Haphazard Daily: Through the Looking-Glass

I’m not sure what has prompted me to think about this, but I suppose it’s some of the conversations that I have been having with my friends about the reality of life—lately I have begun to wonder if creative people have a harder time living on this planet. On one hand, I feel like as long as they have an outlet, they are very healthy. On the other hand, I can see how having a creative mind can create a struggle.

When you are a creative, you tend to be a passionate person and you see life through a looking-glass and expect more than is possible….out of people, yourself, the world, etc. For me, growing up was difficult. I don’t mean growing up like “being a grown-up”. I had twins at 20. Trust me; I became a grown-up a long time ago. What I mean is, letting go of the way that I thought things were and becoming more logical and realistic...it was hard for me.

Creative people pull from the world around them constantly for inspiration, and yet they are supposed to stay firmly on the ground. Unless I am in the moment with my family, my mind is always analyzing, thinking, and daydreaming. I am curious most of the time. The bad thing about this is that it’s distracting, and sometimes the lines can blur. I am very logical about relationships, marriage, raising kids…..but all it takes is for me to watch a stupid-ass chick flick to get sad about reality. (This isn't to say that I am not happy with my life....I am, extremely. But, there isn't some grand ending where the clouds part and God tells you why everything happens the way it does.) When I was little, I didn’t realize that everything was so hard, everything was a trade-off, and every action has a consequence. I think that if you are always logical about the how the world works, you are less heartbroken the older you get. But how can a fluttery child, like me, not grow up thinking that the world is something else? 90% of the time, I was tapping into my creativity. I played violin for years, I was into acting, writing, reading, listening to music…..where is the reality in these things?

I have been thinking about my writing a lot lately. A professor once told me that I was going to “write things that would scare the s*** out of me, but to let it out.” It bothered me when he said this because I realized that to be the type of writer that I wanted to be and knew that I could be, I would probably have to be brilliant and moody like him. I would have to have a beautiful, tortured soul, and willing to surrender to my creative impulses. Well, I have worked really hard to be more realistic and to kick that part out of me. And come on now.....I'm a sunny person. I'm not moody. I am happy almost every day of my life.

I was the little girl who would have chased the rabbit down the hole and licked the mushroom to see if I would grow. My mind was always in the clouds and I was happy that way. I think that I struggled in school as I grew older because I was always daydreaming about things that weren’t going on. One of the reasons that I did well in English and reading is that I loved it and I could float off into the clouds without someone yelling at me. My mom called me her “ball of passion” because I threw myself completely into what I liked, and if I wasn’t passionate, I showed absolutely no enthusiasm. Part of this is being a child, but the problem that I had was that I wasn’t growing out of it like everyone else.

I entered relationships that I shouldn’t have entered because I was passionate and words flung me off my feet. I was swept away and distracted too easily as a teenager and although I was a pretty good kid…..this is due to God, my friends, and the fact that I was smarter than I realized. I had a lot of anchors holding me to planet Earth even when I hadn’t developed my own.

When I had Logan and Lindsey, I changed. I had to become more logical out of sheer necessity. I no longer wanted people to hurt me due to the fact that I wore rose-colored glasses. Life isn’t a movie; it doesn’t end with a bang like a book…..it flat-out sucks sometimes. It’s been hard for me to accept that and become more realistic, because it isn’t in my nature to be logical. I am happy to say that I have become a very grounded person….with effort.

I have almost become too cynical, especially for my craft. I know where I can let my mind go and what I can write, but I can’t let myself do it. I have pretty much decided that if I am supposed to write, I am not going to write the type of stuff that I respect and read myself. Just saying “Screw it. I am going to delve into this daydreaming and not come out until I am done” isn’t fair, responsible, or possible for me to do at this juncture in my life. Plus, I got yelled at so much for being in La-La Land, I suppose I am afraid to let myself go back. How do we keep reality from eroding our creativity? How do we remain grounded when creativity always sweeps us away with the wind? How many people think I have ADD? :) Seriously. This entry should be in a text book.