When you become a parent, you are the one who is supposed to
have all of the answers. I like to think that my perspective is pretty
sufficient for my teenagers because I have already gone through what they are
going through, naturally, and I have learned a lot in life thus far. But occasionally, my children show me
something and they have no idea that they have done it. My 14-year-old son, Logan, is starting to
deal with an issue that I am only now starting to understand and work through
in my 30’s and I am a little mind blown by the perspective that he gave me on
Friday night. One minute I am a parent
being protective of my child, and then the next, I am just a girl again
thinking about the flip-side of what he is saying and hoping it’s not my fault
that he’s going through it.
Parenthood has me really thinking that the Friend Zone is bullshit, as odd as that sounds.
When I was 15, I became the teenage girl who only dated
assholes who made her unhappy. Eventually,
a pattern emerged. I became an adult who
was doing the same thing and it was clear that I was a habitual offender; I was
always devoted to the wrong guy and wouldn’t walk away until I was so depleted
and exhausted that I had nothing left to give and I didn’t care anymore. I was angry that I was treated badly, but I
was used to it, so my relationships always ended with me leaving and wondering
what I was doing wrong. Long story
short, after a lot of pondering and some therapy, I finally figured out what
the pattern was about and I only partially blame the guys I have been in
relationships with because I had no idea I was with them to fill a void in the
first place. I am not letting anyone off the hook here for treating me badly,
but I am saying that had I taken the time to understand my childhood and myself,
none of my relationships would have gotten as dark and scary as they did. I can’t fix anyone else, they can’t fix me,
and the desire for that to happen can lead to very dysfunctional
situations. I am happy to say that I
have figured all of this crap out. I can also say that I have many, many guy friends who never would have treated me badly. And it's sort of bullshit. (Watch how many times I say that word in this post.)
Throughout my life, starting from the age of 14 years of age
to now, I have always had male friends telling me I am better than the assholes
I have chosen. I would basically nod,
say thank you, love you, and go back to what I was doing because whatever they
said never really resonated.
My son is very open with me.
He is deep, sweet, intelligent, and cares about people. He told me about one of his girlfriends who
is in a bad situation with a guy. I got
all of the information about the girl because it’s my job as an adult to make
sure I don’t need to get involved, but I also just listened to him and tried to
give him advice. He described the girl
as innocent, different from the other girls, said she reminds him of me (big
red flag for me that we pass this crap onto our kids) and he is upset that she
is putting herself in a stupid situation.
They are obviously very close because he wouldn’t even tell me who she
was in order to protect her. He is
trying to be there for her but she won’t listen. He is mad at the guy and can’t say
anything. He is frustrated that he is
taking the time to give her advice and then he has to watch her ignore it and
continue to hurt herself. It dawned on
me that my son is “the good guy,” the one that this girl may never learn to
appreciate, the one who gets “friend zoned” while she continues to date
assholes, the one who will have to repeat the same advice to these girls, over
and over and over, unless I can explain to him that it’s the girls’ issue, not
his. As a mother, I would rather him be
the good guy than the asshole and I am proud of him, but I also don’t want him
to attempt to save every broken girl because I know how that ends. As a mother, I want him to put his time into a
girl who is capable of loving him back and not get hung up on the ones who will
make him crazy. As a mother, I know he
deserves a girl who knows herself. I
don’t want my sons to love girls who love assholes.
I have a lot of guy friends; I always have since I was in
middle school. (Some, most, all, none)
of them want to sleep with me. I don’t
know. I am sure that it varies just like
the depth of every relationship. But
whether or not they are romantically interested in me or have been at any
point, I realize now that I have probably really upset them from time to time
because some of my stories have been upsetting.
Women often talk to their male friends about their relationships to gain
a perspective that they can’t get from their girlfriends and although I have
always heard my male friends say “You deserve better than that,” I never thought
about how I made them feel every time I ignored their advice. Women can be protective; I am very protective
of my friends, but it is inherent for a (good) man to want to protect a
woman. My son is 14. He is protective of me, he is protective of
his sister (even when he can’t stand her) and he is already displaying concern
for girls his own age. What I haven’t
considered when I talk to my male friends about how another “man” is behaving
is that maybe I can’t talk to them as
if I am talking to my girlfriends. When
I listened to Logan, I realized how upsetting it could be. First of all, if they are good guys, they
will never be okay with an asshole.
Secondly, they sometimes feel like taking action and when you don’t let
them do anything and then go back to the situation, it’s very frustrating. What if their need to protect me has actually
upset them more so than it would one of my girlfriends and by treating them the
same, I have made a big mistake? I once
told one of my guy friends over the phone what a boyfriend had done after I
broke up with him and it got quiet. He
had put the phone down in order to punch something. He came back and I
apologized. I don’t want a girl
upsetting my son like that. It's bullshit that I was with the assholes.
Every single one of the good guys in my life has a mother and
if I were that mother, I would have told them not to be as patient as they have
been with me in the past, but as a girl, I am so grateful for the men in my
life who have told me I am a catch, that someone will treat me well, and that I
deserve a guy who will give me the world.
I think about the patience they have had with me over the years and I am
beyond grateful, but I am also very sorry that they have had to watch me
suffer.
Women make a lot of jokes about how men don’t listen, how
they aren’t empathetic, how they only think with their penises…but it’s not
always true. And it is also not always true that being this way gets you friend zoned...but it seems true sometimes.
I just want to give a shout
out to all of my male friends who have loved me so much, who have listened to
my bullshit, over and over and over and over and over on repeat, like a broken
record and not really gotten the same in return all the time. Thank you for being awesome men and not
little boys. Thanks for telling me over
the years that I deserve a good guy....like you.
I usually have some end paragraph that ties together
everything I have said, but I just don’t.
I think I am just curious as to what the men have to say about
this.
