What Do Guys Do When They Go Camping? Really. What?

My junior year, my friend, Angela, and I were really curious about what guys did when they were all together.  We decided to spy on them one night. This house was huge, and I mean huge.  There was a guest house that was big enough to house a small family and tennis courts along the side of the pool.  We pulled down the road that led to the house and hid the car.  We ran to the side of the guest house and I climbed up on a lawn chair, which Angela held the bottom of to make sure I didn't fall.  I was looking into the window, which was very high on the building, and saw the huge group of guys watching sports and not really doing much else.  Then the chair buckled and I fell down, making a huge noise.  We looked at each other and panicked because they heard us.  They ran outside to see what the noise was and we scurried to hide.  We were crawling on our hands and knees along the brick wall by the tennis courts when they jumped out and scared us.  Long story short, this started a war.  They all TP'd my house, then Angela's house, and when my friends and I tried to retaliate, we realized that we couldn't even get the toilet paper into a tree...well, except for one strand.  We lost that war.

So back up a year to when I was a sophomore.  My friends and I were making a movie for TV class at a cabin.  We had so much fun, but there was this kid who was really nerdy and had a crush on me and a couple of the other girls.  He got a hard-on while we were all in the water swimming and all of the other guys were making fun of him and being mean.  I felt sorry for him, actually, all of the girls did.  We told them to stop making fun of him, regardless of his hard-on...oh, but they didn't stop.  One night, the girls were all together in our cabin—we had JUST been talking about this poor kid and I said "I'll bet they're being really terrible and shaving his legs."  All of a sudden, and I mean right then, we get a knock on the door.  We open it up and two guys were standing there and one said "Do you have any Nair???"  We yelled at them once again and told them to leave him alone.  So the next morning, the kid's eyebrows were shaved like Vanilla Ice, he had wet the bed because they stuck his hand in warm water (or however you do that, I don't even know), and they had shaved his legs.  I felt SOOOO sorry for him.  All of the girls were so angry.  I mean, right????  HOW TERRIBLE!  And this is pre-Columbine, so I cut them SOME slack, but really???  So mean.  How humiliating.

So I guess between that and the drunk pictures I have seen over the years of guys snuggling with bananas, being completely wrapped in Saran Wrap, having blue icing smeared all over their ears and face—you know, those kinds of pictures, I have been a little curious about what grown men do when they're all together……

Which brings me to why I am writing about this. 

There is a group of guys around here going on a camping trip for a few days.  I'm talking around 25 grown men.  I am friends with one of the guys and I had a little conversation by text last night....ok, I was being nosey. Here's the conversation.  Girls, please...don't you imagine something similar? (By the way, I told him I was writing this.  He said "ok” and "You’re retarded.”)

Me: Are you going on this camping trip?
Guy: Yeah. 
Me: I wish I could be a fly on a wall.
Guy: Why?  It's just a bunch of drunks acting like idiots.
Me: Well what do you guys do?  I'm curious.
Guy: I just told you.  Drunk people f****** with each other.  That's it.
Me: But how do you f*** with each other?
Me: Do you make S'mores?
Guy: Idk.  Just talk sh** and make fun of people.  It's really nothing.  It's just guys getting stupid drunk.  We usually have the stuff to make them.
Me:I wish I could see it.  I'm curious.
Me: Do you guys pee on each other and leave bugs and animals on each other?  Do you guys get your own tents?
Guy: Whatever u have in your mind, it's not it.
Me: Do u guys talk about girls?
Guy: Most everyone there has their own tent.  Why the f*** would we pee on each other?  No.  We don't talk about girls.  I've told you everything that happens.  There is a corn hole tournament.
Me: Corn hole tournament? Dorks. Really?  No juicy gossip?  No seeing whose pee can go further?  Ya'll are boring!
Guy: You're retarded.
Me: I figured you shaved each other or made each other pee the bed or put spiders in each other's sleeping bags or something.  Or talk about girls or sex.  Nothing juicy about corn hole. 
Guy: About 80% of the guys are married and go camping to get away from talking and girls.  They just want to get drunk, eat, and have fun. 
Me: Lol.  Get away from talking and girls.  Haha
Guy: It's the truth.  We mostly just nod and grunt at each other. 

I'm sure they go to escape conversations much like the one that he just had with me.  Ha ha.

So when I told him that I wanted to write about this, he said it was fine, but then I dug deeper and found out that last year one of the guys got drunk, passed out, and everyone decorated him with paper plates and took pictures.

I mean, HELLO!  Duh!!  THAT is what I was envisioning in the first place!  (Ok, and peeing on each other.)

To be a fly on a wall.......