Ok, so I'm Back

There is something to be said for expressing your feelings.  On Tuesday, I could have just disappeared from my blog like I have done when I am busy, but I didn't.  I did what I always do....I think, I feel, I write honestly and I post.  Writing is a part of me and it's just what I do.  It's kind of ironic that I was expressing how I was feeling....stale and uninspired, which is actually a feeling, but I thought that it wasn't. The truth is, I don't WANT to be a drag and I don't want people to read crappy, uninspired entries that I don't care about.  I am not going to post something just to post.  You can tell how I am feeling even if I don't say it by what I post.  I love this blog, even if other people don't, because it's a piece of me and I always put myself out there.  You can totally get to know me by reading it and I don't want to post something that I am not passionate about.  Now I am not saying that people won't read it and hate me, but oh well.  I am honest.  When I wrote on Tuesday, I really did think it would be a couple of weeks before I felt like writing again.

Anyway, since writing that, my friends have been pulling me out of this hole.  I got a text from one girlfriend saying that she loves me, that a lot of people do and that I will feel better about everything soon.  I got a phone call from another friend (she calls me every day) and while I talked about how I feel dead, I cried. Crying is not dead.  We talked about how I should be thankful that I have always been a happy person, even when things are hard.  The difference this time is that it's taken a toll on me and I am probably feeling how I should.  I don't sleep much, I am stressed out, I am emotional.  I should be thankful for my usual happy disposition because it's a gift.  There are people who can't even function, they are so depressed, and the truth is, I am still at the gym and doing things every day in my dark place.  I am lucky.  It can always be worse.  Anyway, I walked out to my mailbox yesterday (my friend told me to because she knows I never check the mail) and in it was a book and a really sweet note.  Another friend texted me "That's not the Alice I know....you'll find inspiration soon; you're like a magnet for it."  Another friend sent me something funny that she observed at work and asked me to write about it.  I will.  It's hilarious.

So I guess my point is, I am glad I wrote that post and didn't just slink off and curl into a ball.  I did what I always do and I write what's on my mind....even though I am very sorry to the people reading it.  If you are still reading, thank you.  I was just being honest, and I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have so many people in my life and no one is going to let me be alone when I am happy OR sad.  I actually feel like a brat for feeling depressed at all because there are people starving around the world, who are being physically harmed, who have never been loved by their parents, who have no one cheering them on, there are people who are dying from horrendous diseases....actually, I am a little embarrassed that I am so honest about my feelings on here.  I feel like a brat.  I feel guilty for being unhappy.  I always have.  There's always someone worse off than you and I know that.  That said, I shouldn't expect myself to be happy every day of my life and I shouldn't beat myself up when I am not.

The truth is, I know that we grow from these seasons in our lives.  It feels like a roller coaster sometimes and it's so frustrating, but we do come out stronger because of them.  It's hard any time you go through change. I have also been praying a lot lately and telling God that I will allow him to guide me, so maybe what I am feeling is the sadness of letting go of things I have tried keeping in my life.

By the way, I finally slept for 6 hours two nights ago and then again last night.  I have been functioning on 3 hours every night, pretty much for the past month.  I have been walking around and people are saying "Did you just wake up?  You look really tired."  I am.  I know that this sleep problem I have doesn't help anything.  And by the way, what they are really saying is "YOU look like CRAPPPPP!" 

To the people I am talking about today, thank you.  You know who you are.  I am so lucky to have you. I have always thanked God for the people in my life because they are amazing.  I don't know why I am so blessed, but I really am.  I pray to God I don't ever end up stranded on an island somewhere.  I would go crazier than Tom Hanks with his Smiley Face Volleyball, Wilson.  Gosh, I love people.  I would seriously go insane without socialization and people. 

Wilson.