Ash, I am so proud of you. I love you more than you will ever fully realize and when I think about you, I am filled with so much happiness that you are living the life you were meant to live. You have come a long way and you are such an amazing mother and sister and friend. I know that there have been times when I have screamed in your face and told you to get your head out of your ass.....every single bit of it is because I wanted you to see the person who you see in the mirror now. She's such a beautiful person. I love you so much, til death. Congratulations and I love you.
Ok....so on with the rest.....
I know that I should be concerned by the things going on in the world like our national deficit and
I have been reading, I have been praying, and I feel really happy right now in this moment. The weather is a factor because when I go outside and feel the fresh (but pollinated) air and see the sunshine, I immediately feel good and smile. I have also been mysteriously sleeping. I have been researching Vitamin D deficiencies and apparently, lacking in Vitamin D can cause insomnia and sleep apnea. Considering that I wake in the middle of the night gasping for air, there's a chance that I have sleep apnea. People have shaken me while I am sleeping because "I'm not breathing." I have been sleeping 6-8 hours since last Friday and I feel amazing.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately, as dumb as that sounds, and I am realizing where I need to make changes so I can be better for everyone else and for myself. I need to take this time in my life to be alone with my kids, figure out what I want, and learn to fight for it and say goodbye to things that aren't good for me. I am realizing random things. Like for example, for someone with such a big mouth, I don't always speak up and say what I want or need. I know that this is probably shocking, but it's true. I fear being demanding or making someone unhappy, so I deal with what I am given. I like making people happy and I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone. If waiting until I blow up can keep me from having to confront someone, I would prefer it that way. But is that right? No. There's a lot that I hide when it comes to my feelings yet I have always considered myself to be so open. Also, I realize that there are a lot of things that have happened throughout my life that I thought I understood when I really didn't. In order to protect myself and not make the same mistakes as people who came before me (sorry, Mom and Dad), I think I made decisions that I had no right to make for myself. In order to avoid certain things, I kept my mouth shut and this has made me feel like a bomb that's just exploded in a million different directions. Now I am trying to figure out what I have been running from my whole life.
One of my friends messaged me a couple of weeks ago, and I have to preface this by saying that this is one of the sweetest souls I have ever encountered. We were talking and he said he felt like I have a dilemma in front of me. He said that because I am so outgoing, I am exposed to a lot of bad people, but I make decisions on how I feel about someone and the good that I see in them, and if people are not good, then I am a goner because I care about the person. He told me to take a personality test. It's called Meyers Briggs and guess what....he was almost exactly right.
Take this test. The link is at the bottom of the page. It will tell you a lot about yourself. And since this is my blog, I am posting my results below. So....I found out that I make decisions based on how I feel. Great. I always thought I was more logical than that. I guess I FELT that I was more logical. haha. I am not suggesting that anyone would want to read it, but here it is, in case you're curious.
Extravert(89%) DAMN!!!
Sensing(12%)
Feeling(50%) DAMN AGAIN!
Judging(11%)
•You have strong preference of Extraversion over Introversion (89%)
•You have slight preference of Sensing over Intuition (12%)
•You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (50%)
•You have slight preference of Judging over Perceiving (11%)
I would say that my judgment and sensing skills are a tad underdeveloped, wouldn't you say???
The Caregiver
As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others. People like to be around ESFJs, because the ESFJ has a special gift of invariably making people feel good about themselves.
The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability, and have a strong focus on the details of life. They see before others do what needs to be done, and do whatever it takes to make sure that it gets done. They enjoy these types of tasks, and are extremely good at them.
ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. ESFJs are such caring individuals, that they sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about.
With Extraverted Feeling dominating their personality, ESFJs are focused on reading other people. They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment.
The ESFJ's value system is defined externally. They usually have very well-formed ideas about the way things should be, and are not shy about expressing these opinions. However, they weigh their values and morals against the world around them, rather than against an internal value system. They may have a strong moral code, but it is defined by the community that they live in, rather than by any strongly felt internal values.
ESFJs who have had the benefit of being raised and surrounded by a strong value system that is ethical and centered around genuine goodness will most likely be the kindest, most generous souls who will gladly give you the shirt off of their back without a second thought. For these individuals, the selfless quality of their personality type is genuine and pure. ESFJs who have not had the advantage of developing their own values by weighing them against a good external value system may develop very questionable values. In such cases, the ESFJ most often genuinely believes in the integrity of their skewed value system. They have no internal understanding of values to set them straight. In weighing their values against our society, they find plenty of support for whatever moral transgression they wish to justify. This type of ESFJ is a dangerous person indeed. Extraverted Feeling drives them to control and manipulate, and their lack of Intuition prevents them from seeing the big picture. They're usually quite popular and good with people, and good at manipulating them. Unlike their ENFJ cousin, they don't have Intuition to help them understand the real consequences of their actions. They are driven to manipulate other to achieve their own ends, yet they believe that they are following a solid moral code of conduct.
All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments. They're not likely to enjoy having to do things which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They do enjoy creating order and structure, and are very good at tasks which require these kinds of skills. ESFJs should be careful about controlling people in their lives who do not wish to be controlled.
ESFJs respect and believe in the laws and rules of authority, and believe that others should do so as well. They're traditional, and prefer to do things in the established way, rather than venturing into unchartered territory. Their need for security drives their ready acceptance and adherence to the policies of the established system. This tendency may cause them to sometimes blindly accept rules without questioning or understanding them.
An ESFJ who has developed in a less than ideal way may be prone to being quite insecure, and focus all of their attention on pleasing others. He or she might also be very controlling, or overly sensitive, imagining bad intentions when there weren't any.
ESFJs incorporate many of the traits that are associated with women in our society. However, male ESFJs will usually not appear feminine at all. On the contrary, ESFJs are typically quite conscious about gender roles and will be most comfortable playing a role that suits their gender in our society. Male ESFJs will be quite masculine (albeit sensitive when you get to know them), and female ESFJs will be very feminine.
ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.
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