Before You Leave That Relationship......

I am in my 30’s and at this age, there are A LOT of married people, both men and women, who tell me that they are miserable and want out of their marriages.    I really try to stay neutral and listen most of the time.  By no means do I support divorce frivolously, but I also don’t disregard or judge those who are unhappy.  I try to tell people what it is like on the other side and what you should prepare for since people typically tend to think that their issues will all go away if they get divorced.  Some do, sometimes it is worth it, but new issues also pop up and those are the things I try to inform people about.  Divorce is not something to take lightly and it should be a last resort.  Sometimes, yes, divorce is necessary and the situation is bad.  And then other times, I think people are just bored and thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. 

My advice is really very simple and I am sorry that I have to be so curt.  #sorrynotsorry

To the women: Be prepared to be ALONE and do it ON YOUR OWN, or don’t do it.  Don’t expect to find a perfect guy who will fix your issues and don’t let that be your plan; that is a recipe for disaster.  Look at being single as a growing experience for yourself because if you are expecting Prince Charming to come along, you will more than likely be disappointed.  Also, be prepared, you will be attacked by an enormous amount of penis that you more than likely won’t be interested in.  And then when you are semi-interested, you weigh your interest against other factors—STD’s, liars, cheaters, Commitment-phobes and Stage 5 Clingers.   When you weigh these factors against your love for Netflix and your comforter, that’s when you go home alone.  I assure you, I am only happy and enjoying my life as a single person because I am alone.  I am not saying it’s impossible to find the right person, but you’d better have yourself straight first so you know what you want and don’t repeat mistakes and fall into bad situations.  Also, real heartbreak comes in the form of seriously and truly loving someone for all the right reasons.  And then guess what!  That sucks too!  Why?  Because even that has its problems.  Bottom line, learn to be happy with yourself.  If not, you will more than likely wind up miserable.  One more thing….if you are one of these married women complaining about your fat, bald husband who bores the shit out of you, well, just a tip….single men are also often bald and fat.  

To the men: True story: I was out and a married man was hitting on me.  After I was a bitch to him because I am not a home wrecker, I was nicer and thought I would help the guy out….I told him to go pay attention to his wife because he will not be getting laid on the reg like he is imagining.  Another guy wanted advice and I gave it again.  It was the last time I heard from him about the issue because I was too honest….I said “Look, you are middle aged.  You have a lot of baggage.  You aren’t 20 years old anymore and you are not going to be slappin’ ass every weekend like you think you are.”  Guys, all I am saying is that you might want to consider the fact that your wife has been picking up your socks and washing your underwear for 15 years.  You might not be as awesome as you think.  I am always a little skeptical when a man says his wife is such a bitch and he was perfect….right.  I always wonder what his wife would say.

A note for both sexes: Some of you are crazy, so you should take into consideration that you have already found someone who puts up with you.  Don’t assume there are tons of fish in the sea that will tolerate your excessive gas and messiness and weird idiosyncrasies that may drive someone else nuts.  My point is, consider the fact that someone else loves you and you might not be so perfect.

Love is a gift, not an obligation. 

Consider the Market

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Arm the Women

A 27-year-old woman was beaten to death by a mob of men on Sunday in Kabul for allegedly burning the Quran.  After Farkhunda was beaten, she was thrown off a roof, run over with a car, set on fire and thrown into a river.  Afghan women began to protest.  Good for them.  There was no evidence that this woman did anything wrong, and even if she had, the idea that these men think it’s ok is unfathomable.   

I realize that this is nothing new.  I wish I could pretend that women weren’t abused and murdered every day around the world.  But I can’t and I am not sure why we aren’t attacking this at a different angle. 

I mean no disrespect to the male species as a whole, after all, I have three sons and their importance to this world is just as much as my daughter’s.  However, I do think it may be women’s turn to lead and present more ideas as to how to change the world.  I have always worried about forcing Western civilization on another country, but I don’t believe that raping and killing women and children is part of a culture and it’s time that we arm the right people.  Why are we willing to arm another country of men on a border but we aren’t willing to consider an entire gender; a weak, vulnerable, abused gender?

If you have a bottle of black water and you put it under the faucet, it takes time to flush the black water out until the water is pure and clear.  By no means will any of the world’s issues be solved over night, but I believe that we are fighting the wrong way.  Any mother who has been beaten, raped, watched her children be raped, is going to feel a lot more empowered with an assault weapon and an education.

Every time we kill a group of terrorists, another group pops up.  Why don’t we think outside the box?  For example, why don’t we arm the women, teach them and empower them, educate them, educate their children and see what happens in the next 30 years?  Do you know what most mothers would do with a book, a little bit of money and a gun?  Do you know what I would do if I were trained to shoot a gun and someone came after MY child?  If I were an Afghan woman and I lived with an animal who believed that I was nothing and that it was okay to beat me or my children, if he so much as touched a hair on my head or my child’s head, I would blow his reproductive organs off.  Then if that weren’t enough, I would shoot him in the head.  One less for American’s to find, right? 

Why don’t we trust that most mothers around the world would do the same?  On top of this, have we really underestimated the power of a mother’s touch, the love a child has for his mother, and the influence she has on his character?  She raises her children.  The problem is that these men aren’t giving her a chance.  They are taking these children and teaching them at a young age to hate Western civilization and women in general. 

What we are doing isn’t working.  Arm the women. 

What Happened to the Hunters?

Pretty much. 

A couple of weeks ago, Logan was a finalist in a speech competition at his school and he won 1^st place; yesterday he competed at the county level.  He didn’t win, but I assured him that I was proud of him regardless, for lots of reasons.  Children from three counties read their speeches for about two and a half hours and in between, I fidgeted and messed around on my phone. 

It was finally Logan’s turn.  He had been told all week and understood that he MUST announce the title of his speech before he started speaking or they would take off points.  He walked up to the stage and completely forgot.  I am not disappointed in him.  I only feel for him because it is something I would have done.  I used to be the kid who would get an A on a test, forget to write my name at the top and lose points as a result.  I was texting a friend and I told him what I just told you.  This friend said he once read an article about how people who are “ADD” or “ADHD” are not suffering from a disorder, but are simply the descendants of hunters.  This was immediately humorous to me because I have written in the past about how I feel like a lion in life, hunting and pursuing and becoming restless when I am not on the prowl.  I have to be moving, learning, pushing myself, and in pursuit of something.   He sparked my interest and while I was supposed to be paying attention, of course, I immersed myself into this topic on my phone.  I was sitting all the way in the back by myself, so don’t worry; no one saw me. 

Fascinating. 

Before I explain the theory, I have to apologize if you have already heard what I am about to say. I have new readers who have not heard this before and I want to explain my journey with “ADD.” 

When I was a little girl, I read books.  I would read 2 or 3 books in a day, never moving from the grey chair in the living room.  Bombs could have gone off, my siblings could be as loud as they wanted, fires could be around me….I wouldn’t move.  Reading and playing the violin are the only things I did other than play with dolls.  My mother doesn’t remember me being hyperactive or having a hard time paying attention because she was awesome at keeping me intrigued, but I can assure you, I had issues sitting still.  For example, I once broke a light bulb in my mouth when left to fidget…that’s another story.  I had always been a good student, but around 4^th grade, something happened to me.  Call it boredom or whatever, but all I know is that I started talking in class, passing notes, I got my name put on the board with checks to follow, I had to see the principal (Sister Mary Francis, who I was terrified of) from time to time.  I resorted to taping my mouth shut to control myself and even this didn’t work because I couldn’t control myself not to peel it off.  In 7^th grade, my teachers recommended that my dad take me to the doctor.  I complained about feeling “out of it” and I had anxiety about the sensations I was feeling.  I couldn’t explain what I felt, but I can now and I will later in this post.  My dad took me to have brain scans of some kind because I couldn’t explain what I was feeling and they couldn’t find anything wrong with me.  I was impulsive, spacey, blurted things out, hyper…textbook.  When I did go for ADD in 1994, the doctor said I didn’t have it.  He said that I was a teenage girl and I would grow out of it.  I didn’t.  In fact, it got worse.  I did enough to get by in high school and I said I no longer cared because I just figured I was stupid.  I cared.  When I told people I might have ADD, they said “No you don’t because you can read a book and pay attention.” Oh ok, so I am lazy and I am choosing this.  Ok.  That felt worse.  Years passed.  I figured my brain out in college, I learned to manage myself in my 20’s and I understand it in my 30’s.  And thank God for Logan, I do. 

The sensation I was trying to explain to people when I was younger is hyperfocusing and having to snap in and out of it.  It feels like you are high when you come out of it.  You are in a daze and then it takes a lot of effort to get back into it.  I had two gears when I was younger: airhead who didn’t care and completely consumed girl, and productive and intelligent.  That’s it.  Now there are different gears and I can manage them on my own. 

A couple of weeks ago, I told everyone who was attempting to talk to me that I couldn’t talk until later because I was freaking out.  I was having a bad day.  On a bad day, every sign on the road, every car, every noise, every cloud, every text, every alert feels louder than usual and I want to scream.  It feels like everything is aimed and flying at you.  The only way to cope with that feeling is to completely block everything out and then what happens when you do that is that you don’t know how fast you are driving, you forget your coffee on the car or drive off with the gas pump attached. You become overwhelmed, you feel anxious and irritable.  On a good day, because I pay attention to and notice every single thing around me, I can bounce from thing to thing and accomplish 20 things at once.  On a bad day, I just want everyone to leave me alone and I write or read.  I have never taken medication; I choose exercise, a clean diet, sleep and routine.

About two years ago, I started working for someone who understood how my brain worked; only I didn’t know it yet.  For those of you who don’t know, I am a paralegal and work for a firm that specializes in labor and employment law.  My boss started throwing me thousands of documents shortly after starting and my ADD magically disappeared at work.  Not only did it “go away” but I retained everything I read, I analyzed it and reported back, picking up details that weren’t picked up previously. My job is a creative process for me because I analyze and make sense of messes all day and when I find some kind of bombshell, it feels like a successful hunt. All of my senses seem to focus on hundreds of things all in one place…a piece of paper.

So, onto the theory.

There were two types of people in nomadic communities.  All acting as cogs of a machine, some were hunters and some were gatherers or farmers.  The hunters went out knowing an animal could maul them but the danger was what excited them in the first place. Picture this: You are in the woods.  You are quiet and able to contain yourself from movement even though in every other situation, you may show excessive energy.  You are hearing every crackle amongst the trees, you see every leaf sway, every cloud roll by, your senses are all working together to accomplish one thing….to hunt.  You realize you may have to get creative and find a way to trap your prey.  Then after you kill that animal, you drag it home and feel accomplished.  You recover from that adrenaline rush by feeling immediate euphoria and as soon as you settle into a normal person, you are ready to go out again.  Stability isn’t what a hunter craves.  It is the process of hunting something down that he craves.

The gatherers of the community were practical.  They knew how much to ration among the people, how soon the food would spoil, how long it would last and they were necessary in the community because practicality is necessary. Historically what happened is that over time, people learned that staying in one place made more sense.  Farming was more efficient than hunting and producing food because they pulled nutrients from the soil.  It was a more stable way to live for many reasons.  Today, only the very remote places of the world do you find hunters other than those who hunt recreationally.  They are not a necessity in western society anymore.  People who are inherently hunters have had to find other ways to use their gifts in society and when they don’t realize this, there are issues. 

People with ADD or ADHD tend to be passionate, impulsive, creative and not very practical.  In fact, they resent conforming, sitting still, and being controlled.  They are not typically good planners, they are forgetful, they procrastinate, and they’re habitually late.  There are even studies showing that substance abuse, divorce, and refusal to settle down, are all more common among this group.  They tend to be highly intelligent, creative, spontaneous, active individuals.  There is also a high population of ADD and ADHD among men in the military.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.   Now put a child like this in a chair and tell them to sit still and do what they are told.  Tell me he won’t become resentful as he gazes out the window at the clouds and trees.  Not only does this child become resentful, but his confidence takes a hit over and over and over again and eventually, he checks out.  He is told he has a disorder and is given medication. 

My grandpa definitely has ADHD.  In fact, so does my mother and so does my son, Logan (the one who was in the speech contest.)  That’s four generations of the same genetics. My grandpa almost killed himself every day on the farm he lived on, but no one had a problem with it because he went to school and did his work.  He got his energy out on the farm.  My mom was in trouble for being impulsive her whole life.  I broke a light bulb in my mouth because I fidgeted, I jumped off a cliff when I was 17, I was in 3 car accidents before I was 18 and my teacher literally threw me and my backpack out of his class my senior year.  My son started a fire in the backyard a month ago, he can barely remember to put on his pants in the morning, but he is getting straight A’s in his AP classes.  I’ll add just for fun too that every single one of us is a writer.  Our absent-minded, idiotic tendencies seem to me to be genetic.  Sorry, Logan. 

Another thing to think about when considering this theory is gender.  I was diagnosed with ADD and I am among the minority.  More boys are diagnosed than girls.  And more boys were hunters than girls.  More soldiers are men than women.  Would I have been a gatherer simply because I was a girl?  Or would I have been more useful as a hunter?  Would I have been allowed to go off with the guys and hunt?  Probably not.  So if hunting was predominately a male role, was it because they were better at it or they were just chivalrous and more interested in keeping the women and children safe?  My guess is the latter but let’s say hypothetically that it is not.  Let’s say that men are genetically more prone to being hunters and I am just an Alpha Female with a bad case of ADD.  Then it is safe to assume that men struggle in society nowadays?

We need to be very careful diagnosing boys with behavioral disorders and telling them that something is wrong with them.  If boys are genetically more active, is it fair to tell them they have to be more like girls?  Is it really a good idea to gender neutralize everyone?  Of course not.  It’s stupid.  Whoever started doing this was a complete idiot. Boys are naturally more rambunctious, more aggressive, they are adrenaline seekers, they hunt, and they want a challenge.  They also need time to diffuse with other men, call it male bonding or whatever, but they need it.  Hunters appreciated their time with other men because they simply just got to be men without women mothering and nitpicking at them, I am sure of it. Today men work in offices, commute, sit in a cubicle, go home to their wife and children and feel that any tendency to be stereotypically male is offensive and unacceptable.  I disagree and it is this that contributes to women not knowing what they want, wanting the bad boy, or just simply not knowing what a man is or should look like. 

I think we need to be careful with these drugs and assuming everything is a disorder.  My “disorder” is only a disorder when I am in the wrong place.  My boss saw that about me.  He is fully aware that if he has me do anything administrative, I will most likely suck at it.  It is like farming.  He can tell when I am bored, unhappy, and not focusing anymore.  He doesn’t micromanage me, in fact, he knows I loathe that, but he gives me guidance when I need it and ask for it.  He throws me more challenges when I need it and I cannot thank him enough for giving me a place in the world where I am not a nuisance to someone else, but instead, I can “hunt.”  I may not be in the woods, but I am allowed to be creative, analyze, and bring him something I have killed at the end of the day. 

I knew there was a reason why I have to have fake plants.  Now I can sleep at night.