This is by far the scariest, most sad thing that I have ever published. At first I was venting, but when I told my friend I had written it, she told me to publish it…without even reading it. To my friend reading, I love you and I am sorry that you were not supported more and that you can’t go back in time, but you are a beam of sunshine regardless. Don’t quit believing in your wonderful spirit.
One of my very good male friends called me a few days ago and said that he read my blog (two blogs ago, about time) and said he liked it but that he was jealous of my optimism. Although he is right, I am an optimist, I sort of laughed because it’s not like I smile 24/7 and my optimism does not exist from being blind like it did when I was a little girl, so there is no reason to be jealous of it. Being positive no longer prevails from naiveté, but instead from faith and having witnessed things work out in my life and others’ when it seemed unlikely that they would. Honestly, I think the world is a greedy, dirty, violent place and that human beings and their disgustingness are the only reason it doesn’t look like a Bob Ross painting. That being said, it’s a blessing once you learn to accept this. Once you stop being shocked when people are a disgrace, you can focus on when people are not a disgrace, what is good in the world, those who need help, what is possible, and you start dreaming from a place that is much more realistic—I think this all starts with your attitude, your words, and the belief that you are capable of more than you think. You have to tune the world out while at the same time, acknowledging that it is there.
Even though it is our forced responsibility to screen incoming negativity, I really wish people would think first before spewing their negativity and cynicism all over each other because it really and truly can be influential. Look at the effects of being bullied. I’m not sure who started “Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” but whoever it was has a lot of explaining to do. Of course our words and attitudes matter to another person. We leave imprints on each other; sorry to disappoint the oblivious ones, but we do. I am going to admit, I am angry and brokenhearted right now because I was not able to protect someone I care about from others’ negative input. I am a person who believes that I go through things so I can help someone else. I wish I could transfer my experience directly into another’s brain. Literally being able to do that would be amazing because then when I say “I know how you feel and I promise you’ll be okay,” they would believe me.
I want to make very clear that this blog is not about whether abortion is right or wrong, but instead, it’s about being supportive of the people we love or “love” and watching what comes out of our mouths, especially toward people who are feeling weak and scared. I never talk about abortion and I have avoided writing about it in the past purposefully for two very specific reasons:
1. Because I was young when I had my first set of twins and I don’t want those who have had abortions to take my choice to have Logan and Lindsey as a judgment on them because I am not judgmental. But seriously, how can I explain why I made the choice to have them without making them feel like I am judging them, especially if my reasons are directly related to my moral beliefs? I can’t, no matter how hard I try, so I just don’t.
2. Because a lot of people (not everyone!!!!) who are pro-life refuse to accept or even acknowledge that we live in a broken society that makes it very difficult for a young mother to choose life. People throw around morals because they sound good and yet they do nothing to show compassion, which would be understanding that single mothers are THE poorest people in our country—especially politicians, and that those children are going to be the most vulnerable to poverty and crime. Be opinionated, but have a damn solution to the problem or sit down. You simply cannot scream that you appreciate life when you are cruel to the life in front of you. If you are dense enough to abandon and cast judgment upon a young, unmarried woman who was brave enough to be judged in order to save that life, well you and I aren’t ever going to see eye to eye. I think you are a fraud.
To be blunt, there are a lot of people on both sides of the argument who annoy me, so I just stay out of the discussion altogether, until now. I know firsthand how you get treated when you get pregnant at a young age and what you are up against and I probably should have spoken up long ago.
I found out I was pregnant during my first month of college. I did not have ONE college credit. I was not married. I had never had a job before. I had never cooked anything but macaroni and cheese and hotdogs. I was nowhere near ready to be a mother. I had been having severe anxiety attacks for a year, but I said to myself “It isn’t about you anymore, grow up.” The attacks went away because I told myself I couldn’t have them anymore. (I know, weird.) I told everyone I was pregnant and that I was going to keep what I thought was one baby at the time. People automatically started telling me to have an abortion, to give them away, that I must have meant to get pregnant (no, I was just immature and thought I was invincible) and I got angry and silent and prayed for strength. I found nice ways to tell people to fuck off, but their pressure and words hurt me and it would have been nice to have support, or just silence. Silence would have been sufficient to me while I sorted out the stress. I cried every night because I felt alone. Then I had an ultrasound and found out there were two. The people who originally wanted me to have an abortion then changed their minds to adoption, because you know, it’s not ok to abort twins, but a singleton, that is your free pass, so never mind, Britt. Now give them up.
Facepalm. I lived this and didn’t end up in jail.
I held my kicking tummy at night, let people have their judgment, and decided to let the cards fall. My revenge was making good grades and being a good mother and making everyone eat their words. I clung to those who DID support me, let the deadbeat go without a fight, and now they are 15. It was not easy and I attribute the strength I had to the fact that God is indeed with me.
I recently saw a reflection of myself in someone else and I won’t lie, I am having a very hard time with the anger and sadness I am feeling because I couldn’t protect her. I also cannot write everything out of respect for her. She is like a little sister, she is young, she was pregnant, and she wanted to have it but she was also very scared. It turns out that there weren’t enough words to convey to her that I knew how she was feeling and that it would be okay when the baby was born. She told me over the weekend that she had aborted it and she is not okay. I talked to her as much as I could this past month about her pregnancy. She was scared, she was crying every day, and not one person supported her when she said she wanted to keep the baby. She was basically told she was not fit. There wasn’t enough optimism surrounding her because I was literally the ONLY one telling her she could do it on her own and I was out of state. I am angry that no one listened to her literally crying, her body language, her hyperventilating on the table when she was about to have the abortion. I am angry that she was bleeding from having done something she didn’t really want to do. I am angry that the people around her told her that they knew what was best for her. It was HER CHOICE, and while she did ultimately make it, having been there in that dark place and understanding how horrible that heaping pressure feels on your shoulders and how much doubt there is to succumb to, I am angry with the people who were in her ear. She immediately wanted to take it back and she can’t and she said that’s the worst part. I wish I could have been more comforting. I wish I could be now. I worry about her emotionally. What will this do to her since she didn't believe in her decision?
We need positive people. We need optimism. We need people to tell us that things are possible and that we are capable of doing them. The world sucks, guys. Don’t succumb to it. Get angry, stay silent, and believe in yourself and the good things to come.
And when you open your damn mouth, freaking think first. That's all. I am pissed. Stop tearing people down. Be supportive, dammit.