Dick Pic Etiquette

Today I would like to discuss this phenomenon of men texting women unsolicited pictures of their penises, aka “dick pics”.  Now I should state for the record that I have never received an unsolicited dick pic because I am a bitch and I have a blog.  In fact, I have said “NO!  Do not send me that, it won’t cheer me up!” and apparently that’s all it takes.  However, my single friends receive dick pics constantly and this leaves me perplexed.

When I was 7 years old, I was flashed.  I hadn’t ever seen a penis until some creep in a Bronco drove down the street, saw me on my bike, and whipped it out.  Thanks for that, asshole.  Then when I was in high school, I was flashed by a boy on my bus.  We got off the bus, I said “Merry Christmas”,  he said “Happy New Year” and I turned around and there it was.  He whipped it out and played with it while I stood there with my jaw pretty much wide open.  I’ve thought about this moment in my older age…did he think I was impressed by the size and grandeur of his penis rather than realizing that I was actually shocked and wanting to erase from my mind what I had seen?  Did I confuse him in this moment with my lack of speech and bug eyes?  His name was Matt, but then I told everyone what he did and then he was called “Mattsturbator” until graduation.  That would never catch on nowadays because people were still shocked by things in the 90’s.  

I guess the thing that makes me laugh about unsolicited dick pics is that penises to a woman are a lot like newborn babies are to people who aren’t the child’s parents.  You know how someone can have a baby and it’s hairy and its eyes are squinty and its head is shaped funny like a cone?  The mother of that baby really thinks her baby is perfect and wants to stare at it all day, but a stranger might think to herself “I hope his head goes back to normal”.  It’s the same way when it’s your man’s penis versus some rando’s.   When we have no emotional connection to you, possibly no attraction, and we haven’t asked to see your penis, you’re running a risk…..we may look at it like it’s someone else’s ugly newborn baby. 

On the other hand, you know how motherly and loving we are to our own babies.  Maybe get to know us, date us, respect us before showing us your junk…..just an idea, guys.