That Little Face

There is one thing that happens when you are a parent and no matter how many times I experience it, I never get used to it. My heart breaks every time and I realize that I am complete mush when it comes to my kids. 

I was just at the bus stop waiting with Carson and Dylan and I squatted down to be at their level and hug them and kiss them. (Plus, I like talking to them evenly because I get to see their little noses and eye lashes and look them in their beautiful eyes.) Somehow we were talking about sports and I had to say "Well, it might be too late to play baseball this fall, I'm not sure. Mommy may have missed the sign up date." Carson really wanted to play and Dylan wants to play soccer. Immediately, Carson's face fell. He didn't cry, he didn't whine, he didn't act like a brat, he said he understood, but I could see on his face that he was disappointed. And by the way, because he didn't act bratty, it made it worse for me. I felt like someone may as well have kicked me in the stomach. There is nothing more sad to me than that face. I'll do anything to take it away. 

I told Carson and Dylan that right now, mommy and daddy are so busy working and with the older kids' activities that we will have to figure out a way to make it work. I told them if not this fall, in the spring they can play because my hours at work may allow more time at night. And by the way, until you have a daughter at dance 5 days a week, sometimes until 9, a son at football 5-6 times a week, and a set of twins, you may never say "it takes a village to raise a child" but it does. I stayed busy 100% of the time when I stayed home and now that I work, their dad and grandparents have to help out or they would just not get to do anything. We're all working together and I still don't know how we will squeeze in two more activities for the boys....but I will figure it out, for them. 

Anyway, I also told Carson that I would take him to the store and we would get a bunch of baseball stuff for him and soccer stuff for Dylan. He smiled, Dylan smiled. They got on the bus with their little smiling faces, but I still felt so sad. Why?

Because no matter what I do, they're going to be disappointed at some point. It's part of life. I can't protect them from it, and what's worse is that no matter how much I love them, I will disappoint them. 

I love my kids so much it hurts sometimes.