This is by far the scariest, most sad thing
that I have ever published. At first I
was venting, but when I told my friend I had written it, she told me to publish
it…without even reading it. To my friend
reading, I love you and I am sorry that you were not supported more and that
you can’t go back in time, but you are a
beam of sunshine regardless. Don’t quit
believing in your wonderful spirit.
One
of my very good male friends called me a few days ago and said that he read my
blog (two blogs ago, about time) and said he liked it but that he was jealous
of my optimism. Although he is right, I am an optimist, I sort of laughed
because it’s not like I smile 24/7 and my optimism does not exist from being
blind like it did when I was a little girl, so there is no reason to be jealous
of it. Being positive no longer prevails
from naiveté, but instead from faith and having witnessed things work out in my
life and others’ when it seemed unlikely that they would. Honestly, I think the
world is a greedy, dirty, violent place and that human beings and their
disgustingness are the only reason it doesn’t look like a Bob Ross painting. That being said, it’s a blessing once you
learn to accept this. Once you stop
being shocked when people are a disgrace, you can focus on when people are not a disgrace, what is good in the
world, those who need help, what is possible, and you start dreaming from a
place that is much more realistic—I think this all starts with your attitude,
your words, and the belief that you are capable of more than you think. You have to tune the world out while at the
same time, acknowledging that it is there.
Even
though it is our forced responsibility to screen incoming negativity, I really
wish people would think first before spewing their negativity and cynicism all
over each other because it really and truly can
be influential. Look at the effects
of being bullied. I’m not sure who
started “Sticks and stones will break my
bones but names will never hurt me” but whoever it was has a lot of
explaining to do. Of course our words and attitudes matter to another
person. We leave imprints on each other;
sorry to disappoint the oblivious ones, but we do. I am going to admit, I am angry and
brokenhearted right now because I was not able to protect someone I care about
from others’ negative input. I am a
person who believes that I go through things so I can help someone else. I wish I could transfer my experience
directly into another’s brain. Literally
being able to do that would be amazing because then when I say “I know how you feel and I promise you’ll be
okay,” they would believe me.
I
want to make very clear that this blog is not about whether abortion is right
or wrong, but instead, it’s about being supportive of the people we love or
“love” and watching what comes out of our mouths, especially toward people who
are feeling weak and scared. I never
talk about abortion and I have avoided writing about it in the past
purposefully for two very specific reasons:
1.
Because I was young when I had my first set of
twins and I don’t want those who have had abortions to take my choice to have Logan
and Lindsey as a judgment on them because I am not judgmental. But seriously, how can I explain why I made
the choice to have them without making them feel like I am judging them,
especially if my reasons are directly related to my moral beliefs? I can’t, no matter how hard I try, so I just don’t.
2.
Because a lot of people (not everyone!!!!) who
are pro-life refuse to accept or even acknowledge that we live in a broken
society that makes it very difficult for a young mother to choose life. People throw around morals because they sound
good and yet they do nothing to show compassion, which would be understanding
that single mothers are THE poorest people in our country—especially
politicians, and that those
children are going to be the most vulnerable to poverty and crime.
Be opinionated, but have a damn solution to the problem or sit down. You simply cannot scream that you appreciate
life when you are cruel to the life in front of you. If you are dense enough to abandon and cast
judgment upon a young, unmarried woman who was brave enough to be judged in
order to save that life, well you and I aren’t ever going to see eye to eye. I think you are a fraud.
To
be blunt, there are a lot of people on both sides of the argument who annoy me,
so I just stay out of the discussion altogether, until now. I know firsthand how you get treated when you
get pregnant at a young age and what you are up against and I probably should
have spoken up long ago.
I
found out I was pregnant during my first month of college. I did not have ONE college credit. I was not married. I had never had a job
before. I had never cooked anything but macaroni
and cheese and hotdogs. I was nowhere
near ready to be a mother. I had been
having severe anxiety attacks for a year, but I said to myself “It isn’t about you anymore, grow up.”
The attacks went away because I told myself I couldn’t have them anymore. (I know, weird.) I told everyone I was
pregnant and that I was going to keep what I thought was one baby at the
time. People automatically started
telling me to have an abortion, to give them away, that I must have meant to
get pregnant (no, I was just immature and thought I was invincible) and I got
angry and silent and prayed for strength.
I found nice ways to tell people to fuck off, but their pressure and
words hurt me and it would have been nice to have support, or just
silence. Silence would have been
sufficient to me while I sorted out the stress.
I cried every night because I felt alone. Then I had an ultrasound and found out there
were two. The people who originally
wanted me to have an abortion then changed their minds to adoption, because you
know, it’s not ok to abort twins, but a singleton, that is your free pass, so
never mind, Britt. Now give them up.
Facepalm. I lived this and didn’t end up in jail.
I
held my kicking tummy at night, let people have their judgment, and decided to
let the cards fall. My revenge was making good grades and being a good mother
and making everyone eat their words. I
clung to those who DID support me, let the deadbeat go without a fight, and now
they are 15. It was not easy and I attribute the strength I had to the fact
that God is indeed with me.
I
recently saw a reflection of myself in someone else and I won’t lie, I am
having a very hard time with the anger and sadness I am feeling because I
couldn’t protect her. I also cannot
write everything out of respect for her.
She is like a little sister, she is young, she was pregnant, and she
wanted to have it but she was also very scared.
It turns out that there weren’t enough words to convey to her that I
knew how she was feeling and that it would be okay when the baby was born. She
told me over the weekend that she had aborted it and she is not okay. I talked to her as much as I could this past
month about her pregnancy. She was scared, she was crying every day, and not
one person supported her when she said she wanted to keep the baby. She was basically told she was not fit. There wasn’t enough optimism surrounding her because
I was literally the ONLY one telling her she could do it on her own and I was
out of state. I am angry that no one listened to her literally crying, her body
language, her hyperventilating on the table when she was about to have the
abortion. I am angry that she was bleeding from having done something she
didn’t really want to do. I am angry
that the people around her told her that they knew what was best for her. It was HER CHOICE, and while she did
ultimately make it, having been there in that dark place and understanding how
horrible that heaping pressure feels on your shoulders and how much doubt there
is to succumb to, I am angry with the people who were in her ear. She
immediately wanted to take it back and she can’t and she said that’s the worst
part. I wish I could have been more comforting.
I wish I could be now. I worry about her emotionally. What will this do to her since she didn't believe in her decision?
We need positive people. We need
optimism. We need people to tell us that things are possible and that we are
capable of doing them. The world sucks, guys.
Don’t succumb to it. Get angry,
stay silent, and believe in yourself and the good things to come.
And when you open your damn mouth, freaking think first. That's all. I am pissed. Stop tearing people down. Be supportive, dammit.
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