Just Another Day in Suburbia

I was making cheese and crackers for Logan yesterday and he was telling me about some things that he had heard at school. 

First of all, he said that he heard about some high school kids getting “arrested for smoking weed in the bathroom”.  He said “What is marijuana like?  Is it really bad?  Why did they get arrested?  Are kids the only ones who aren’t allowed to do it?”  I freaked out and said “NO!  No one is allowed!  It’s illegal!”  I also told him that it makes you dumb and lazy and to never try it, even if everyone else is doing it. 

I asked him if they had D.A.R.E. at school and he had no idea what I was referring to.  I told him what it was and he said that he isn’t learning anything about drugs.  I can’t say that I am disappointed because I didn’t even know what drugs were until I took D.A.R.E. and I think it’s entirely too young to inform them about meth and crack. 

Second, he heard that some sixth graders got into trouble for playing with “condolums” on the soccer field.

ME: What’s a condolum? 

I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t want to say it and turn out to be wrong.  THIS IS MY CHILD!!!! 

LOGAN: You know.  It’s those things that you use, to, you know, before you, you know.  You know.  You know. You know, right? 

ME: Yes, yes, yes, I know. I know.  You don’t have to say anything more.  Do you mean condoms?

I almost passed out, but I played it cool. 

LOGAN: Yes!  That’s it. 

ME, internally: OMG!  He knows what it is!  How does he know that?  How do these kids know this?  What else does he know?  What do I say? 

ME: So they were playing with condoms?  How do you play with a condom? 

He shrugged. 

ME, internally: Thank God.  He doesn’t know that he can blow them up like balloons yet.  Ok, Ok, keep talking.

ME: Are you sure you aren’t talking about something else?

LOGAN: Well, they fell asleep in a field and in the morning, they were all over the place.  The cops had to come.  They talked to the sixth graders about not playing with them. 

What the hell am I missing from this story?  Do I really want to know???? 

LOGAN: I wonder how they got them anyway.  Probably from their parents?

ME: I have no idea, but they have to be dorks, right?  I mean, what kind of losers play with those?  Don’t they have anything better to do?

Then I slinked out of the room.  I said that I had to fold some laundry and that I would play Scrabble with him a little later.

Really, I just had to go upstairs and breath.