I have a memory of sitting under a Weeping Willow tree when I was a little girl and I don't know where it came from. I remember sitting under this beautiful tree on a blanket and having a picnic. The tree's branches all touched the ground and it was so thick that all of the space around the tree was covered; I couldn't see my way out. There was something really cool about no one being able to see me and I felt safe. Just a note....I don't even know if this really happened or if I dreamed it, but I remember an old man coming in and smiling and eating with me after I had been alone for a while. I was laughing and smiling at the man. That's all I remember.
Last week I got really scared because I heard a loud noise. I went downstairs and checked it out, but I was still scared, so I stayed awake, frozen under my covers like I did as a child. Like the stupid blanket would protect me?
Hiding is comforting and fear is debilitating.
As adults, we can mask being scared better than when we were kids, yet we aren't as brave as we were back then. When we are scared as adults we do things like shut people out, engage in self-destructive behavior of whatever kind, and we get depressed or anxious.
Most of the time I fear that I am not strong enough, that I can't handle things, or that I will fail...even worse, I fear failing someone else other than myself. I fear trying things out of my comfort zone, even though I was never like that growing up. Everything I do has an effect on someone I love and this is just flat-out frightening. I have a new theory though....if I am scared, then it's probably most important to go for it. I need to pray and then act. Almost everything that has scared me to death, everything that has terrified me to the point that I almost feel paralyzed, has always turned out to be what's made me better and happier. You can definitely let your mind get in the way of your happiness and you can over think things. Your fear and doubts can be so loud sometimes that you can't hear your soul screaming for attention.
I haven't gone too deeply into what I have experienced this year because I don't feel like it's something I want to be open about on a blog; I will probably never change my mind on that, but I will say that I talked to my uncle and my mom over the weekend and I started to cry. I told them some of the things I have been feeling this year and my uncle warned me about becoming cynical. Being cynical and being practical/cautious are two different things and he said that it's a dark road when you become cynical. Cynicism comes from a broken heart. No one wants their heart to be hard and to sit in a corner being afraid that they'll get hurt again, but that's what happens sometimes. I guess I get scared a lot, but in a lot of ways, I guess I am pretty brave too because I have decided not to become a true cynic. (Even though my sense of humor exhibits otherwise, but that's just because the world and people are stupid sometimes. That's just me being observant, not cynical.)
Eleanor Roosevelt said a couple of really wise things. She said "You must do the things you think you cannot do" and "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along'." She was a very wise woman. We do grow in times of weakness.
Everyone feels safe under their Weeping Willow tree, but what if there is something cool on the other side of its branches that we are missing out on? We shouldn't stay somewhere alone because we're afraid of what will happen when we move in another direction. We need to let people in and help us.
This song is great and it describes a lot of what I am saying and how I feel sometimes. It's called "Fear" by Sarah McLachlan. I know it sounds like she is talking about love, but I read it very differently. I think she's tangled up in an embrace with fear......and maybe it is about a guy. I don't know. I post a lot of Sarah McLachlan because, well, she's awesome.
One last note....Mom, do you remember this tree or who that old man is?
Fear, Sarah McLachlan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_vVmeUf6QU
Morning smiles
Like the face of a newborn child
Innocent unknowing
Winter's end
Promises of a long lost friend
Speaks to me of comfort
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like
Better than to fall
But I fear I have nothing to give
Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
Nothing yields to shelter it
From above
They say temptation will destroy our love
The never ending hunger
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like
Better than to fall
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose...
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