5 Love Languages

Yesterday's blog sparked me to write this today because it's along the same lines.  I read a book about a year ago called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  Today I will explain the theory to you.  Everyone should read this book.

I didn't realize until I read it that there are love languages and we all speak love differently.  Your primary language is always the same from the time you are born.  Although different situations could make it look like it changes, it really doesn't.  Before I get into it, I will tell you what the five are:

1. Acts of Service
2. Gifts
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

First of all, it's important to point out that everyone likes all of these.  They are all nice.  No one says "Why did you get me a gift, you stupid bastard" if their language is Words of Affirmation, and no one says "Oh, yeah, thanks for telling me I look pretty, you pervert!  Where's my Quality Time?"  We all like all of them, but the idea is that we all have ONE basic NEED and that one is the one that absolutely has to be met. Your partner could be doing 4 of the 5, and if your basic need is not met, you are going to feel unfulfilled....worse, probably not know why.  You might be with a person who is really great at giving gifts, but your language is physical touch.  If you aren't getting the physical touch, (it sounds really lame, so go ahead and laugh because I did), your "love tank" is empty.  Your partner could be showing you that he/she loves you, but it sort of goes unnoticed because you are not getting what you need. 

So the idea behind this book is to fill each other's tanks by finding out what your language is, what your partner's language is, and learning to speak them for each other.  If you both have the same love language, that's awesome.  But even if you don't, you can learn to do what works for your partner and both be fulfilled.

The easiest way to figure out what your love language is is to observe the way you give love.  There is a quiz at the end of the book and I knew what mine were before taking it....I said were because I guess I am high maintenance.  I am what the book calls "bilingual".  I am Quality Time and Physical Touch (Physical Touch was one point more than Quality Time).  For me, they go hand in hand and I pretty much have to have both.  I guess this sucks for whoever is with me, but it is kind of good for me because that's a 2 in 5 chance that I will get something right with the person I am with. 

So let me use myself to explain how this works.  You could tell me all day long that I look pretty, but if you aren't physically showing me you love me (and it isn't just sex, it's hugs and everything else), I think "That's nice, but I am still not happy."  You could get me something really cool and I will love it and appreciate it, but if I am not getting hugged and loved on, I am unhappy. You could wash my car, cut the grass, get the kids to bed, but if you sleep on the couch or don't spend any time with me, I think "Wow, this sucks."  What's worse is that I would think "Why am I not happy?  He just did all of this." And the person I am with, I am sure, would think "I am trying.  Why is she so ungrateful?"

If I were with someone who really likes getting gifts but I put all of my energy into touching and spending time with them.....that person is going to feel unfulfilled and I am going to say "But I hug you and kiss you and plan things to do with you constantly!"  I actually scored a ZERO on the receiving gifts category, by the way....guess I will never be a gold digger!

I think you get the point now. 

This theory also carries over to your children.  There is a book on how to find out what your child's love language is.  I'm not sure if I have figured out what my kids' are yet, but here again, I am the best snuggler and LOVE hugging on my kids.  Logan is not snuggly; he never has been.  We have always fought the most.  If I can figure out what makes him feel loved, it will probably get better.  Lindsey, she's just tough because she's a girl and she's so damn complicated.  She's probably like me and has to have two needs met.  My boys are definitely physical touch (at least I think at this point) because they are sooooo snuggly and loving.  Dylan puts his hand on my cheek and immediately falls asleep.  Carson is the same way.  Carson had to be held 24/7 when he was a baby. 

Here is a link to the quiz:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

I took it again.  Again, I got physical touch.  I was thinking about something though....I get very weird about people touching me sometimes and I can't figure out whether or not that's strange if my language is touch.  Like if I don't know you or like you and you touch me, I get very weirded out.  I am not touchy with just anyone.  I have to know and truly love you.  I guess that makes sense?  There's a guy at the gym and he's always trying to hug me.  I always feel very strange.  If I am ever out dancing, I am very bitchy if someone touches me.  You'd think if my language was touch, I would be like "Hell yeah!"  Haha.  I don't know.  It's creepy if I don't like you.  If I am hugging on you, I must love you in one way or another. 

This is what my description said at the end of the quiz:

Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.