What Is Falling In Love, Really?

Falling in love....never has there ever been something so amazing and sucky at the same time.  Falling in love is like being high and it's also full of the worst most painful hangovers ever.  What the hell is going on with our bodies when we fall in love and why do we seem to have no control once we've fallen? Why does it physically hurt us when our hearts break?

It is true that the first kiss usually tells you everything you need to know about the relationship.  I overlooked a bad first kiss once and it was the dumbest thing I ever did because the relationship sucked.  If you aren't feeling it during the first kiss, don't kid yourself because you're never going to feel it.  The bad kiss that I talk about?  I used to close my eyes and pretend that he was Ben Affleck.  It was the 90's and it was right after Armageddon came out, so shoot me. What is happening when you kiss someone?  All of your senses are engaged.  You can smell and touch the person, but there are so many things happening that you can't sense.  For example, did you know that women take in a man's testosterone through his saliva when she is kissing him?   Women make a man's testosterone higher, and in turn, he behaves differently, so the testosterone kind of feeds off both parties.  Testosterone is the lust drug for both men and women and it's a trigger for all that happens after....

Your brain then releases dopamine when you're falling in love and after you have sex.  This is the feeling that we wish we could bottle.  You know that feeling when you can't stop thinking about someone, you don't need sleep because you're up all night talking, your thoughts are completely consumed by the person, and your stomach is full of butterflies?  This is the chemical that is to blame.  It makes you giddy and euphoric.  It's also addictive and what keeps you coming back for more.  It's like being on cocaine. Plus, having sex makes you want to have more sex, so at this point in a relationship, it's kind of a crazy frenzy.  Unfortunately, if this lasted forever, no one would work or sleep or remember to eat.  People would neglect their responsibilities, get fired, and the world would probably collapse.  I think it would probably look like "The Wolf of Wallstreet" but no one would need ludes because they would be high on love.

A scientist named Helen Fisher used MRI's to look at the brains of those who were in love.  She had the subjects look at two pictures-one of the person they were in love with and an acquaintance.  Her team saw activity in the ventral tegmental area.  This is where dopamine is made. They also saw activity in a completely different part of the brain....this part of the brain takes many factors from our past experiences, mixes them with our present environment, and when combined with dopamine, a new experience is produced.  This part of the brain is used when you crave or want something very badly.  Interestingly, this part of the brain is associated with longer lasting love.   So if you have had to work for someone, you have to try to be with the person, this part of the brain is active.  She tested people who had been in long relationships and they still showed brain activity on the MRI, so this is comforting because it suggests that love CAN last with time.

Fisher says that there are three parts of falling in love: there is lust, attraction (the early stage, intense romantic love), and attachment.  Attachment is deep feelings of union with a long term partner. Fisher says that love can start with any of the three and in any order.  This to me, is comforting.  That means that you can fall in love with friends who maybe you weren't attracted to before, and it means that not every experience is going to be the same.  Intense romantic love is when the person takes on "special meaning".  You focus intensely on him or her, and even though you see flaws, you don't mind.  (This is the kiss of death, in my opinion!!! This is where your brain SHOULD kick in and it doesn't because you're already a goner!!!)

How do you know you're falling in love?  Fisher says you can experience energy, elation, mood swings, emotional dependence, separation anxiety, possessiveness, physical reactions such as a pounding heart and shortness of breath, and craving and obsessive thinking.  She says it's as if someone is "camping in your head". 
 

Since falling in love and having sex is so tightly woven with the brain, it's no surprise that antidepressants can dull these feelings. Fisher says that they can change your feelings of love for another person, also changing your sex drive.  I read an article about a "falling out of love" drug a few weeks ago and it said that the reason that this type of pill is scary is that although it will help the broken hearted move on and fall out of love with the person they are attached to, it also dulls feelings for everyone else as well.  So really, there's no way around heartbreak except time and to stop the release of dopamine I guess, maybe to move on with someone else.....unless you want to dull your feelings for everyone else and take antidepressants.  This is the hangover part and it sucks.

So what is being "in love"?  It is infatuation and lust in the beginning, the attraction that separates the person from other people, and then it's a decision to carry on and continue to bond with them or not.