We are, in my opinion, a generation of borderline commitment phobes and I say borderline because we aren't sure if we are afraid of commitment or if it's something else that's wrong with us...we can't commit to what the issue is. We are a generation who watched at least half of all marriages end in divorce in the 80's and 90's and maybe by now, we have even been through our own. Add to that, now we are older and we have discovered that we actually kind of like our freedom, our routine, and not having to be around anyone when we are moody....but that doesn't make us afraid of commitment if we are unwilling to give it up, right? Could it be something else?
I have a guy friend who said he's just going to stop dating because nothing ever happens to end it and it's too confusing. He said it isn't like when you're in high school and you say "will you be my girlfriend" and you can easily define the relationship. He said "The conversation about your relationship usually happens 30 minutes before you go out on a Friday night with your friends and one of you clarifies with the other person that you don't want them to hook up with anyone else or vice versa" and this is true. Unless you have that conversation, your life can slowly seem to become a meaningless strand of pointless clusters of text conversations that did nothing but waste your time and amounted to nothing. They just kind of fizzle out and you don't know what happened with this thing that you kind of had going for a minute and what's worse is that you really don't know if you care or not. Were you ever really going to skip the gym to see the person? Were you ever going to actually carve out time to see the person? Probably not. And then you realize something....you weren't going to because you're either afraid of commitment, or they weren't the one.
So again, which is it?
Sure, I would LOVE to believe that love is like When Harry Met Sally and two people who originally don't like each other can fall in love after years of friendship. Harry shows up and says to Sally after like 12 years of friendship and says "I've been doing a lot of thinking and here's the thing, I love you. When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want that to start as soon as possible." Are there actually people who are in love and don't know it? And how can they not commit if they love someone? What if true commitment phobes are afraid of the right ones?
Is your head spinning yet?
I know something about myself and I can't imagine that anyone else is very different. You have all of these hard limits about yourself and what you want. For example, I have been known to say (and they are totally legit; they are not lies) that I am busy. I am scared. I have been hurt. I don't really know if I want a boyfriend right now. I just want to have fun. I am focusing on myself. I am focusing on my kids. I like my routine. I like my life the way it is. But do those all go out the window when it's someone I really like? Yeah, it's been that way for me. What happens when you fall in love? You are thrown off balance, you ignore everything, and you will do anything to be with that person or see the person. Period. All of a sudden, you aren't focusing on yourself, you're late to work because you want to cuddle, and you are willing to watch stupid shows that you wouldn't have watched before. You simply won't do this with someone you aren't into. And why would you?
So then you decide that you don't have a fear of commitment...it's because they aren't the one.
George Clooney should teach you to question the idea of commitment-phobia and here's why...George Clooney probably used every excuse in the book when it came to not committing to his girlfriends. I am sure he said it wasn't the right time, he was focused on work, he was hurt from the girl before, he didn't believe in marriage...I'll bet he said it all and probably meant what he was saying. I also imagine that he didn't have to say much for it to be okay with the girls because come on, he's George Clooney. You take what you can get. But anyway, my point is this....George Clooney was an eternal bachelor. This girl came along and bam. After like 3 months or something crazy like that, he put a ring on it. He didn't grow up. He didn't "realize" he wanted to be married. He threw every rule out the window when he couldn't help himself. So what George Clooney teaches us is not to hold out hope that he will commit, but that he did commit. To someone else.
But then I stop right there. Has it really worked this way for me in the past? To throw "everything out the window" and "lose balance" isn't exactly a good thing. I have been presented with guys who would be a very good decision and my mind starts racing. All of a sudden, I am thinking about how I won't have freedom to do what I want anymore. I think about my space and how I don't like things being messy. Would I be ok with someone's clothes on the floor other than my children's? And what about globs of toothpaste in the sink. That is extremely gross. And I hate little whiskers all over the sink from shaving. I don't know if I really want to share my personal space with someone. And is this going to be the last person I have sex with? I have also been burned before. I have been given promises and been told I am loved and it took a really really long time for me to feel steady by myself. And do I really want to carry someone else's baggage? Lord knows I have my own, but am I ready to be compared to some bitch before me? What if it doesn't end up 50/50 but I end up carrying the relationship? And what about my free time? Are they going to infringe on that? I don't want to really give that up. Can I trust a guy? And if he pressures me, so help me....
This is basically what I'm thinking now....
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