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| With my Papaw, 1999 |
I have been blessed in the grandparent department. My other grandpa and I were close too, but he died when I was 17. He was a diabetic and he went in one morning for what seemed like a routine surgery and made it out ok. I will always be thankful for what happened the day he died. I was a junior in high school and I was about to leave. I walked over to my grandpa's guest house that was attached to our house. I hugged him and told him good luck with his surgery and that I loved him. I went to my friend's house after school and I called him at the hospital. He said "Brittany, I just want to tell you, I feel so loved! You came to see me this morning and that meant so much to me." He told me he loved me and he sounded so happy. I told him I loved him and that I would see him later. He died in the middle of the night from a heart attack, but he died knowing people loved him. There isn't anything else I wish I could have done because he knew that. This isn't to say that I was a perfect granddaughter because I wasn't. I was a selfish, spoiled teenager. Thank God I wasn't though that day.
And that's the thing you have to think about every day. What are you doing each day? Is it going to be that day that counts? And if it isn't, well then you will have a long life of wonderful, meaningful days filled with moments that made a difference in someone's life....
I know that this is a horrible thing to say and hopefully I am wrong, but I have always felt like I am going to die young, ever since I was a kid. I don't know if it's from fear that I will or because I seem to have dodged bullets, but I have always felt like I will. I don't live my life feeling doomed and filled with anxiety for the most part, but I really do acknowledge that it could happen at any time and I would hate my last day on earth to suck badly, so I try to live each day to the fullest. I want people to know that I love them, that I have a thirst to live my life well, and that I have no regrets. When I was 17, I lost control of a car and spun in circles crossing the street, hitting a fence and rolling four or five times, finally landing upside down. It was this moment that I believe I changed the first time. I remember thinking "My parents are going to have to bury me. I always wondered how I was going to die and when and this is it. Oh my God, I am about to die. I am dying at 17. This is it. That's the only life I got and it's over." I heard the metal and the glass breaking and I somehow still had time to think about how I was still a virgin, but we won't get into that. I remember all of that like it was yesterday. Once I realized that I could die and that I wasn't invincible, I really think I appreciated the fact that life is precious. After the fire last year, I already knew that I could die any day, and although I have dealt with some panic over the last year, I mainly just felt like I needed to figure out exactly what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I have figured it out.....
These are my goals for my life and they aren't things like getting remarried and jumping out of an airplane and climbing Mount Everest, but they are a blueprint for every day, no matter what I am doing: I want my children to know that they filled my life completely and that I loved them every single moment that I have breathed since they were born. I want my friends and family to know that I loved them intensely and to know how many times they made me laugh and smile and they didn't even know it. I have FUNNY friends. Seriously. They make me laugh every single day. Sometimes I am driving down the road thinking about something one of them said and I smile and giggle. I want to be remembered as a person who really tried to be good, who loved with everything she had, who tried to be giving and forgiving and loving. I want to be remembered for when I was patient but also for those moments where I was just a completely inconsiderate ass, because I wasn't perfect. I want to be remembered for admitting when I am wrong and for trying to correct my behavior and for apologizing. I want to be remembered as silly and happy and smiling. I want to be remembered for being loyal. I want to be remembered as someone who was genuine and trustworthy and honest. I want God to know I did my best and even when I screwed up, He was in my heart and that I love Jesus. These are the only things that matter to me and these are the things I am trying to accomplish here on earth. If I die tomorrow, I hope I have succeeded. I don't care about all of the other crap....you take nothing with you and the only thing you leave that matters are the memories and the way you made people feel.
You never know when your last day here will be, and you never know when the last time you'll see someone will be. Don't go to bed angry, and say goodbye like it's the last time you'll see someone. Love like crazy, play, forgive over and over even if only to find peace for yourself, and decide what you want and go for it. Don't be afraid. Be brave, be bold and dream. Love your life, even when it sucks because it's a gift. Don't just float, but push and go through it with fury. I KNOW I am a handful and I know I am all over the place sometimes, but that's because there is SO much to do in this life. I am so lucky to have so many awesome people to ride through life with. I think my Papaw said it best....work with all the stars above.
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