Signs

It's 5:50.  I've been awake since 2:30. After listening to music and reading a book, I naturally felt like watching a movie. I chose one of my favorites, "Serendipity". 

I was thinking about the whole idea of signs and following them when it comes to finding you "soul mate".  I used to believe in signs differently when I was younger. For example, in the movie, it's the movie poster, the bridal shop, the hairdresser named Sara. I believed they worked like that. I don't anymore.

I think signs work like this...."It didn't work out, you aren't together, therefore that's a sign that you aren't meant to be". If you were meant to be, you would be, right?  Just because it doesn't work out how you wanted it to, doesn't mean it didn't work out.  The whole idea behind the movie though is that they made a terrible mistake and fate doesn't want them to pay for eternity, so they get another chance with each other, which is why it's a great movie. Sometimes you don't get another chance in real life.  I believe that when someone loves you, they'll go to the ends of the earth for you. If they don't do that for you, they don't love you. It's really pretty simple. 

By the way, you see the picture at the top of the page? Jonathan is showing Sara how her freckles are really the constellation, Cassiopeia. You wanna know something? I have Cassiopeia on my right arm too. It's a sign. I am a Goddess. Haha. Unfortunately, there aren't men to point out the constellations on my body parts like in the movies. They're just freckles in real life. 

The Good Wife

I have been divorced for almost a year now and although I have picked myself up and embraced where I am at in my life, I occasionally think about the things I miss about being married because I was and probably still am, a "relationship girl".   Not because I can't be alone, but because I am good at being in a relationship.  I love loving someone because it's the most genuine thing I can do for them, I am incapable of faking it, and so when I do, it's a gift.  My heart is not easily captured romantically.  The guys I've loved in the past probably don't fully understand how deep it is when I say I love them and that they really can have anything they want or need.  I will give it to them. I will do whatever I can to make them happy, and if I can't, I will find what they need somewhere else. 

I feel like I am in purgatory right now.  I genuinely love being by myself and not having to deal with the burdens of a relationship.  I love focusing on myself and not having to deal with someone else's moods and feelings.  Then there is also the part of me that is so burned, fearful, and irritated and deep down I know that's why I snarl at the idea of a relationship.  I have been caught purposely pissing guys off just so they'll hate me and leave me alone.  I have purposely sabotaged friendships that I felt were reaching the "blurred lines" status.  What do I mean?  A guy has done something nice, so naturally, I am mean to him to make myself less appealing to him.  On top of having these childish issues sewn to my ass, it isn't like me to whore around and it's impossible for me to be a serial monogamist.  Why?  Because it's not just anyone I can feel romantic feelings about and I don't have a problem being alone, so why would I just have someone hanging around like a house plant or some kind of accessory? So what does this mean?  I just have to accept the fact that I am a tad bit cynical, love myself a little too much, and I just flat-out don't know what I want, but I know it's not that. I am not at the point where I am willing to share a closet or my cabinet space with someone. 

What do I miss?  I miss having someone to do thoughtful things for.  I miss snuggling. I miss regular sex without games or the fear of catching an STD.  I miss deciding what to have for dinner.  I miss waking in the middle of the night and having a body there when I am scared.  I miss someone to say I Love You to, and meaning it, feeling it in my nerve endings. I miss feeling love in my heart because I see a difference in myself when I don't care about a guy that way.  Anddddd that's pretty much it I guess.  I really like having my own closet and cabinet space. 

I was one of those girls who always wanted to get married and have a lot of kids.  Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified of marriage and wasn't sure I could ever trust someone enough to go through with it, but I still loved the idea of being with someone and building a life together and sitting as an old person with grandchildren and admiring the work we'd accomplished together.  I believed so much in the institution that I was sure I could never do it, because I couldn't ever bear for it to not work out.  I love my parents and they did a lot of good, but the multiple divorces had an effect on me and my siblings.  How did it affect me?  Pretty simple.  I have never seen anything last forever, so I feared my ability to commit for forever.  I feared that I was damaged.  I feared that I would hurt my children.  I have always waited for the bottom to drop out, because it always did.  Every time I thought things were settled, someone else was divorcing and my life was bursting into flames again.  I have a very hard time talking about all of this because, although it has taught me to be resilient, it's also taught me to doubt people and my happiness.  When things are going well, I have to try to not fear that things are about to cave in on me.

My biggest fear was that I couldn't commit.  Actually, it turns out that I can commit, in fact, it's in my nature to be loyal. What I had not counted on is that my commitment to someone I love can outlast my heart, and eventually, like sick hearts do, it stopped beating.  When I said yes, I meant it.  When I walked down the aisle, I didn't drag my feet.  When I said "I do", I felt every word.  I married the exception to my fears, him.  I didn't consider that there exist certain circumstances that could completely null and void the promises I was making, but with wisdom,  I have found that they were there.  

What did I look like married?  I dove headfirst.  I believed that whatever I put into the relationship would carry us. I looked pretty when he got home.  I cooked dinner.  I cleaned the house.  I packed his lunch and put notes in the bags.  I took care of the kids.  I tried not to nag or be demanding.  I gave him space when he got home from work so he wouldn't feel bombarded.  I started the shower for him and woke him up with a sweet voice.  I tried not to force him to do things he didn't want to do.  I supported him and trusted him.  I forgave.  I forgot.  I trusted that the future would be different.  I read books about love and marriage. "The Power of a Praying Wife", "The Five Love Languages", The Bible.  I loved his son as my own and treated him as my own, because I truly loved him as my own.  I tried until my heart stopped beating and I couldn't do it anymore.  I did it until I felt that we were never going to be on the same page.  I truly did.  And I am broken hearted that I am different now.  I feel like I can't give to someone like that again, except my children, of course.  And it isn't fair because in a relationship, I am happy.  I am sweet. I am giving.  I bend. I can't do that anymore. 

If you are married or in a relationship, please understand that no two people are invincible.  You can call each other a name too many times.  You can hurt them one too many times.  Stop thinking that "sorry" makes it ok and change your behavior. Stop telling yourself "sorry" makes it better. A time or two, fine. You are not fine, years later, and you'll end up hating each other.  What is a precious bond can be destroyed.  And if you are the one not actively participating in the relationship, when your significant other leaves, it will be extremely unfair to fault them for doing so. Love each other.  Don't take for granted the bond you share.  There are deal breakers and you probably already know what they are.  Just because you are married doesn't mean you can just check out.  The one who is miserable is usually the one who files, and then the person who files ultimately gets blamed....how fair is that? It isn't.

Life isn't fair. It seems like we're all chasing the wrong person while the right one is chasing us. We leave them in a cloud of dust, while we're left in a cloud of dust. It seems like two people who would actually be of the same caliber are rarely together. I don't know why, and I don't know what the answers are, I just know that it sucks.

I was alone for Thanksgiving because I moved here for my ex and I don't have family here.  I would rather drink poison than to hurt my kids the way my parents hurt me by not living in the same state. I'm also blessed with in-laws and an ex who adore my children and help me raise them.  The truth is, I was ok; I watched "The Godfather" and did stuff around the house. I have a feeling Christmas is going to be brutal though for me this year. I shouldn't be alone because I don't deserve it. Whether I'm ok being alone or not isn't the point. (Why is this font suddenly so small?) 

Happy Thanksgiving!

"God has two dwellings; one in heaven, and the other in a meek and thankful heart." -Izaak Walton

I have so much to thank God for this year, and I do every day.  Today I am thinking about many things. I am thankful for the people who love me, and more than that, for the people I love.  I can't imagine my life without certain people and I pray for them all the time, to stay with me forever. I am thankful for my new house, my job, my family, my true friends, my heart, my compassion and my drive to be better.  I am thankful for the experiences and wisdom and strength I have gained, I am thankful that I have let go of some things and people that I needed to, and I am thankful for my health. I am thankful for the faith I have and the hope I feel.  God loves me and I am thankful for that today.

Be grateful for the people who are placed in your life as teachers, be thankful for the people who love you and don't take them for granted.  One day, they might not be there.  Be thankful for the blessings that God has bestowed on you, and be gracious to God by sharing them and paying it forward.

Top 10-Celebrities Who Make Me Thankful

1. Miley Cyrus makes me thankful for my ass. I had no idea how nice it is until I saw what I could have been born with.

2. I'm thankful for Taylor Swift for being a good role model for my daughter and not twerking on national television. 

3. Kim Kardashian makes me thankful that I'm not rich because I can stuff my face with cheeseburgers and no one will laugh at me. I also don't have to be married to a jerk like Kanye West.

4. Angelina Jolie makes me thankful that I only have 4 kids.

5. Octomom also makes me thankful that I only have 4 kids. 

6. Lady Gaga makes me thankful that I don't have to wear meat for a living.

7. Tiger Woods makes me thankful I'm single. 

8. Natalie Portman makes me thankful that you can be cute, hilarious, sexy and still crazy smart. 

9. Kristin Stewart makes me thankful that I'm not weird. Have you ever seen her interviewed? Bizarre. 

10. Jennifer Aniston makes me thankful that you can look gorgeous in your 40's. I may not look like her in 10 years, I may not look like her now, but knowing it's possible is comforting. 

I'm Thankful For My Kids

I don't think there's a person who knows me who doesn't know how thankful I am for my kids. I almost can't put into words how much I love them because all I want to do is smile when I think about them. They make me wanna pull my hair out sometimes but I can't imagine how empty I would feel without them. 

LOGAN

I'm thankful for my child full of life and energy. Logan is my first born. I heard him cry first and instantly became a mom. He shocked me. I was like "omg, it's a baby!" (Remember that I was 20. I knew I was going to the hospital to have a set of twins but I really didn't get how I was going to react or handle it.) The kid kept shocking me. He almost killed himself on a regular basis when he was little because he was like Dennis the Menace, and any grey hairs I will have will all belong to him.  I have many crazy Logan stories that I refuse to talk about because not enough time has gone by for them to be funny.  I'm thankful for this kid because he's hilarious. He's crazy crazy smart. He gets it. I don't know how to explain it, but already at 12, he can see how stupid and childish people are. He's sweet. He wants to please people. When he messes up, he wants to correct it. He's a reader. He's the kind of kid who asked for a book about the Civil War....in 2nd grade. He's thoughtful. He's careless with complete dedication. Lol. He's also the one I have fought with the most. I realize now it's because we are a lot alike. A lot of times I scream at him for being like me. When he gets in trouble at school for talking and disrupting the class, I realize how much he really is like me. He's my wild child and with enough self-discipline and drive, I believe if he's focused, he could do anything. He's a passionate, curious kid. And he drives me nuts. Isn't that funny? 

LINDSEY

I'm thankful for my only baby girl. I've never seen a child that is so driven. When she says she's going to do something, she just does it. And good luck making her do something she isn't interested in. I see it in dance and cheer, and in her tumbling around the house and twirling on her own without someone telling her to practice. She's incredibly smart. She gets good grades, not because she loves school but because she is supposed to. She's always been very obedient. She's beautiful. She's funny, but there's a very deep side that is all business. In fact, I think because I'm like Logan, she gets irritated by us both. She is poised. She loves God. She loves her mommy and daddy. She wants to travel and she's curious about the world. She gets annoyed by her baby brothers, but when she's sweet, it's the most precious thing I have seen out of her. I think if I had to describe Lindsey, the word would be determined. She really is. She's always been that way, and she loves what she loves.  She's articulate and smart, and being determined too, I am really curious to see what she'll be one day. She says a dancer, so probably that. By the way, she's not crazy about reading but she loves math and science, so I'm thrilled about that. She is like me, but I don't know, the older she gets I see how incredibly different she is. She's unique for sure. 

CARSON

I'm thankful for the love that Carson brings into my life. Carson is my monkey. I never left him when he was a baby and he was in my arms at all times. He wouldn't stand for it, and he cried without me. When they brought him to me, he was staring at me. (Usually babies can't stand the bright lights after they're born so they squint.) Not Carson. He locked eyes with me and it's like he said "You're mine, mama." And it's true. He's adorable. People have to earn Carson's affection, but it is the most precious thing I've seen once they have it. He says "I love you, Mama." And "I miss you, Mama." He's always happy and sweet unless he's tired. He always feels bad when he makes a mistake and sometimes he hides. Once, he dropped a carton of eggs on the floor and we found him hiding in the closet. You don't have to get on to him much because he's hard enough on himself when he makes a mistake. He's so sweet. I can't describe it, but people fall in love with him. I had him at the store on Friday night and five people stopped me and told me how adorable he was. He's just precious. 

DYLAN

I'm thankful for my sweet baby, Dylan. He loves to eat sugar because he is made of sugar. Carson and Dylan are very similar in their demeanor and are both sweet hearts, but Dylan has always been "Chillin Dylan". He is totally go with the flow. He is happy, chill, absolutely hilarious and goofy, and when Carson is crying and having a meltdown, he is just cool. He loves his stuffed friends, he attaches to things easily and gets on kicks. He is obsessed with Superman. He likes a routine, he loves to snuggle and if you roll away, he will say in the middle of the night "I wanttttt to snuggggglllle!" You have to roll back over and let your arm fall asleep. Dylan and Carson love each other very much. Dylan though, when I say "Ok, Carson, I'm leaving so you'd better get up and come," Dylan is genuinely concerned. He screams "noooooo! You can't leave Carson!" He's gullible and trusting, which is why his older brother and sister drive me nuts when they trick him. Dylan has always been a walking sweetheart. He just is. He's sooooo smart too. He's curious and always asks a lot of questions. And then he says "But whyyyy, mamaaaaa?" Dylan asks about God and Jesus a lot. He is so sweet. I feel like he's always been a cartoon baby. He's the bigger of the two boys, but he has this little sweet voice that comes out. We used to call him our "genetically engineered baby" because he is that perfect. 

My Ty Ty

I'm writing about the people/things I'm thankful for the next week. 

Today I'm thankful for my brother, Tyson. My Ty-Ty. He's our one and only brother, owns a huge chunk of my heart, and he is hands down, the BEST guy I know. Period. I love my brother.  I respect him immensely. 

I would describe my feelings about my brother as "concrete" and "protective." Concrete because we don't have to talk very much and we are still close and it won't ever change. I don't see him enough because he lives in Michigan, but he's always close to my heart. Protective, well, Ash and I both are and have always been.....controlling with love. Heehee. We've been pretty bitchy to girlfriends at times and it took us some time to accept that he didn't need us telling him what to do all the time. He's been a man for a while, and a quiet, calm, sweet one, who can't get a word in when we are around. He's probably the most chill guy I've met in my life. 

He is the only boy and he was raised by girls. I have to say, all of our meddling and the sheer fact that he had to live with all girls, has made him the most devoted dad and husband I know. He gets girls, he understands a lot about women that a lot of guys don't. He fears God and devotes himself entirely to what He wishes for his life. On the other hand, I'm sure he's a pro at tuning his wife out because he had to learn to do it with us his whole life. Sorry, Torie. 

Other than the times I used to make my brother be "the dog" when I played house, I think I was a pretty good sister. I remember thinking I saved his life when I was 4. We were playing Peter Pan on the stairs (he was 2) and he started to fall down the staircase. I grabbed his ankle and told him I had him. I don't remember pulling him up or anything, I just remember catching him and thinking he'd be dead if it weren't for me. You're welcome, Tyson. ;)

I remember watching cartoons with him a lot and the two of us raiding the kitchen on Saturday mornings for breakfast while my mom slept. We had a favorite. I haven't been able to find it online and I don't know what it was, but it was a bear who was picking up litter. He sang a little song. "Take a piece 'a paper, put it in the bag, bump bump." For some reason, out of everything we experienced, that's the one thing that stuck and we still sing it to this day. 

When I was 20, I was pregnant and depressed about my life because I hadn't formulated a plan yet. I was curled up on the couch and crying a lot because I realized I was going to be raising my kids alone. It was winter and very cold. I was crying on the couch in the dark with a fire going, and in walks my brother; he got me something. He'd gotten me a CD to cheer me up and I was all emotional and crying because I loved him so much. We sat and talked about it until I felt better. 

My brother has had to keep his mouth shut a lot where I'm concerned, and even when I'm sure he wants to punch someone for mistreating me, he's always focused more on helping me than seeking any kind of revenge. It's probably been hard for him to be our brother sometimes. Although, there have been times where I've found out, sometimes years later, that he hasn't always been able to keep his mouth shut.

Ty, I love being your sister. Thank you for carrying me out of Linneman's that time when I barfed on myself, thank you for always being there for me, and thank you for being you. You're seriously my favorite guy on the planet. 

By the way, my brother is married to his Pre-K girlfriend, Torie. They were three when they met and they have two precious children, Alexander (Xander) and Adaryn. They're adorable. By the way, before Ty and Torie started dating, I said "Why haven't you ever dated Torie? That would be super cute!" He told me later that he thought "Yeah, why haven't I?" Not long after that, they were dating and then they got married. You're welcome, Ty. See? You can thank God for your bossy older sister. 

Really, there are few things I could go absolutely Jerry Springer over, but my siblings and my children? I'm like a hair away from frosted lipstick and a guest appearance on Cops. Nobody hurts them or they answer to me and I'm scary.  My sister passed out once and I told the guy to stop seeing her. He didn't even try to talk to her again. When she asked him why, he said "your sister."  My brother and sisters are very dear to me and I am thankful for them. 

I have some issues with the picture below. First of all, what is wrong with this Santa? Does he really want to be there? It looks like someone roofied him and he just realized he's been kidnapped and placed in the Santa chair. Also, why are we wearing those summery outfits? Mom? Any explanation since we lived in Milwaukee?? Those look like bunnies on Ty and Ash's clothes. 

Ms Mr-Hurricane

I love this song. The lyrics are awesome. The video is crazy though. It's amazing how many pictures your brain recognizes....I was almost afraid to watch the thing because I didn't want to be accidentally hypnotized. Haha.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=brJozYDT0Ts&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DbrJozYDT0Ts

Didn’t know what this would be
But I knew I didn’t see
what you thought you saw in me
I jumped the gun
so sure you’d split and run
ready for the worst
before the damage was done

The storm never came
or it never was
didn’t know getting lost in the blue
it meant I wound up losing you

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind
so dark and foul I can’t disguise
can’t disguise
nights like this
I become afraid
of the darkness in my heart
hurricane

What’s wrong with me
why not understand and see
I never saw
what you saw in me
keep my eyes open
my lips sealed
my heart closed
and my ears peeled

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind
so dark and foul I can’t disguise
can’t disguise
nights like this
I become afraid
of the darkness in my heart
hurricane

Make ash and leave the dust behind
Lady Diamond in the sky
wild light
glowing bright
to guide me when I fall
I fall on tragedy

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind
so dark and foul I can’t disguise
can’t disguise
nights like this
I become afraid
of the darkness in my heart
hurricane

Kitchen Notes

I have a blank wall in my kitchen that needs some healthy subliminal messages for dinner time. This is what I chose.....

Flashback Friday-Saved By The Bell

I'm pretty sure I just found the dude version of myself. Read this guy's list of Top 20 things he learned from "Things Saved By The Bell". I cracked up.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/rob-fee/2013/11/20-things-i-learned-from-saved-by-the-bell/

By the way, here is Ashli and the Potatohead earring....

The Prickly Pear

I love my sister, the Prickly Pear, otherwise known as Ashli Nichole.  My mother has called her Prickly Pear her whole life because she is this beautiful, tiny thing but she has had prickles about her ever since she was a little girl. We've always said it's because she was born breech and with crossed eyes. She spent the first year of her life with headaches and it didn't help to have an older sister like me, I'm sure, and a twin brother to share with. I had always been the easiest baby and child for my mother, and I thought everything was funny, probably at Ash's expense.

She didn't like to swing when she was a baby; I'm not sure anyone would if everything was blurry. I walked up to Ash's swing when my mom wasn't looking and I pushed her, giggled and ran off. She'd then scream and my mom would yell "Brittany Elizabeth!!!!" I also used to take Ash and Ty's pacifiers and stick them both in my mouth. But I mean, come on. I was two and then these two babies came along! I'm sure I was upset about that. Anyway, I guess I picked at her. 

Ashli also had OCD. If even one pea rolled into her mashed potatoes, she would take her plate and dump it on the ground.  She couldn't ever play dolls with me because she'd take so long organizing all of her crap and getting everything prepped to play, I would get bored and run off.  The OCD continued as she got older, so when I was around 12 until I was an adult, I used to go into her room and move everything by 1/35th of a centimeter, and she knew!!! I found this remarkable! I mean, how can one be that anal? Of course, I knew she would notice, that's why I did it. I thought it was funny and I used to laugh my ass off. 

As we got older, we didn't change much by nature. I lived with her and shared a room for a little while and it was clear that I was about as easy going as a person could be and Ash still liked everything just so. But rather than move things and try to annoy her, I tried to make her happy as best as I could. We got really close that year. We realized that in some ways we are polar opposites, and yet we are so much alike. Our goofy sense of humor, our outlook on life, our need to always be moving forward and strive to be better, our faith in God, our views on parenting.....the list goes on and on. 

I think all of these quirks are so adorable and they make Ash who she is. She did the "things you don't know about me" on Facebook and I had forgotten that my brother tried to sell her on the playground. This reminded me of 2 of my favorite stories. Sorry, Ash....

1.) Ash wanted a black Cabbage Patch doll, which she named Tia Ria. I love that because it wasn't the norm, which is pretty much my sister. She's always been unique.

2.) She snuck Ms. Potatohead earrings to school and put them on before her kindergarten pictures. My mom got the proofs and couldn't believe it. It's gone down in the Ashli Hall of Fame. I giggle even thinking about that. 

Ash, although I picked at you when you were little, I have simply gotten a kick out of you. You've grown into the funniest, quirkiest girl with a huge heart and I love you!  I will never forget the time I threw a glass of water in your face to get you to shut up, and then how I stood there in disbelief that my arm had acted alone! Our ability to laugh WHILE we are mad at each other is what makes us unbreakable. Your compassion for your patients and others in your life is amazing and I love to watch you in action. You're an amazing sister, friend, and mother and I love you so much! 

Ash's About Me

Top 15 Ways Girls Identify with "Sex and the City"

Obviously I am referring to fans of the show, even more so, the die hard chicks who have seen every episode, like myself. 

1. Every girl picks which character she would be, and then she names all of her friends, to their face or just in her own head. (I always said I'm Charlotte, but I'm not. I'd be more like Carrie because of the writing thing.) 

2. Nobody wants to be Miranda but we still love Miranda. 

3. Telling your friend she's the Samantha doesn't go down too well until you remind her how free and funny and awesome she is. 

4. All a girl has to say is "He's my Big" and the rest of us say "ohhhhhhh" because we know what that means.

5. Because we all have a Big. 

6. We realize that the Bigs never work out, we realize they're bad for us, but it doesn't change the fact that we love them and they could most likely walk in and screw up our Aidens.

7. We all want a Stanford if we don't have one. 

8. We can relate most life situations or problems back to an episode of "Sex and the City" much like men do with "The Godfather". 

9. We realize that most men, especially ones who haven't watched the show, think it's bad for us. 

10. We don't really care what men think because they've gotten years of porn. 

11. We like to watch the show in marathons, probably as many hours as it takes to watch all three Godfather movies.

12. We like to watch it when we're on our periods because it makes us laugh. We also like to watch it with wine.

13.  A lot of us thought the second movie sucked, but we really didn't want to admit it. We watch it over and over anyway. 

14. We get depressed in the 2nd movie because Carrie cheats on Big with Aiden, making us wonder if we will ever be happy. Then we realize that it's just a movie to make ourselves feel better. 

15. We don't want to be Samantha at 50 years old. 

And most of all, we miss it. 

Clumsy

Two days ago, I was pushing a shopping cart and I somehow hit my leg on the bottom bar and wound up with a bruise. A profanity may or may not have been shouted because it hurt like a bitch. 

So last night, I topped that clumsiness. I got home from work and it was pitch black when I walked through the door. The alarm was going off and all I could see were the lights from the keypad. I started walking toward it and I ran into a big construction bucket filled with some kind of plaster. Actually that isn't a clear enough picture. I hit the bucket so hard, I ended up straddling the bucket while pretty much airborne and sliding across the floor, out of my heels, and catching my body with my arms. It immediately hurt, but I couldn't help but laugh. I knocked myself out of my heels!!! I know I'm going to have two gigantic bruises on the inside of both my legs because they're already sore.  I was on the phone and the person on the other end heard me scream "ahhhh!" And then I hit END on the way down. When I called the person back, I was laughing so hard, I could barely describe what I'd done. That bucket took my ass for a ride. 

What My Dreams Tell Me

I had a dream last night that I met this guy. He was the best guy I could have imagined (in a 2 minute dream). The guy kissed me, and not until after the kiss did I realize that he was missing his front tooth. Deal breaker. 

I think it might be safe to say that I fear a man's flaws because seriously, what's up with some of my dreams? And toothless? That implies I should've seen it sooner.  I know that every person has flaws, I certainly have them. I know they're there, in fact, I've always been accepting of a person's imperfections. Sometimes I've even sacrificed things I care about to accept a person, and ultimately, their flaws. I think it's the flaws I don't know about that scare me the most, or the ones I'll miss. And what's even scarier is that I don't think I have to accept them anymore. I think "Why bother? I'm better off alone than dealing with that!" 

And I mean it. 

Promise me, if I'm ever making out with a toothless man, someone, any one of you, will tell me. 

While I Was Out

I won't say much about how tired I was last night, because I don't need to. All I need to say is this: I went to an (awesome) antique store, IKEA, Bed Bath & Beyond, and a kitchen store.....with three boys. They were well behaved, so I topped the day off by taking them to Chuck E. Cheese. 

My reason for going to the antique store (Kudzu off of Roswell Road) was to find an old trunk. I wanted one for my coffee table. I found one. 

It's an old costume trunk. It opens up and has hangers and drawers and pockets. Inside one of the pockets was an envelope. 

It's a stamped envelope from 1927 with an Atlanta address! It could've belonged to an actress or a circus performer! At least, I like to wonder. I love antiques because my imagination goes crazy.

I also found this dresser for Logan's room.

I bought a mini table for the boys since I haven't found a dining room table yet. I got it at IKEA and my hands hurt from putting it together. 

I also got these coasters at the antique store because the boys loved them. They are pieces of stone with cork on the bottom and pictures of famous Atlanta spots on them. I mean, a coaster with the Big Chicken on it? How could I tell them no?

I also got this little key chain. It's a B from a Georgia license plate. 

I Feel You, Depeche Mode

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pPhbT73ZG2Q&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DpPhbT73ZG2Q

Have I mentioned I freaking love Depeche Mode? This has to be the hottest song ever. 

I feel you
Your sun it shines
I feel you
Within my mind
You take me there
You take me where
The kingdom comes
You take me to
And lead me through
Babylon

This is the morning of our love
It's just the dawning of our love

I feel you
Your heart it sings
I feel you
The joy it brings
Where heaven waits
Those golden gates
And back again
You take me to
And lead me through
Oblivion

This is the morning of our love
It's just the dawning of our love

I feel you
Your precious soul
And I am whole
I feel you
Your rising sun
My kingdom comes

I feel you
Each move you make
I feel you
Each breath you take
Where angels sing
And spread their wings
My love's on high
You take me home
To glory's throne
By and by

This is the morning of our love
It's just the dawning of our love

Flashback Friday-The Lather Effect

There's an absolutely great low-budget movie called "The Lather Effect"; I found it a few years ago on Netflix. Basically, a group of friends (who all graduated high school in the '80s) gets together for one last party at one of the character's parents' house before the new owners move in. I think it's such a great little movie; great soundtrack, pretty great writing, and I love the fact that the characters are suffering from a suffocating case of nostalgia. 

There is something in life that I find remarkable for many reasons, and that is perception and memory, which often results in nostalgia. Nostalgia is great, but nostalgia is often a liar and sometimes it makes us do stupid things in the present. It's our unicorn....we will never catch it once we have left it, the faded but glitter-laced flicker of time that once was.  The people, the time, the feelings, the circumstances....once it's gone, you can't ever get it back exactly the way it was. We are then forced to chase its tracks in the mud....a song, a show, a letter, a picture, a feeling in our gut. 

The idea of constantly being thrust into the past, not being able to move forward, is unsettling because it means you aren't living fully your present. The main character in the movie never really gets over her high school boyfriend, he has never gotten over her, and 20 years later, they are faced with a bunch of What-If's and also, the opportunity to experience their past in their future. Or are they? 

The title, "The Lather Effect", refers to the idea that when you wash your hair, rinse, and then repeat the process again, you get twice as many bubbles. If you experience your past again, will it result in twice as many bubbles, more feelings, more lessons, etc, or is the memory of the experience more than what it would be in reality? In the present, would the attempt to create the past fall flat, like over-conditioned hair? 

Take a past experience with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes you only remember the good things, the good feelings. As time goes on, you've changed. On top of that, you've also forgotten the bad. So here you are, cycling your legs against the heavy current that will always force you forward. 

Have you ever had a hard time getting over someone and then you realize it isn't the person you're mourning, but rather the feeling you had about them in the past? Wash, rinse, and repeat with that person, but it's a good chance your hair was clean the first time and you're just wasting soap.  It's a shame to ruin your future because you're chasing your past. 

This song was in the movie, and it's great. Sorry about the link. I'm using the Blogger app and it doesn't always do things the way I want.....

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pekhxxngQ3s

Thank You!!

It has been so weird not writing, but it's been the most complicated move ever because I've had to order and shop so much.  I now have cable and Internet, I have a desk (which I have been craving for months because I can't keep anything in my life straight), and I have things like dishes and a trash can. Yess. She is on her way!!  It feels so good to be home. The kids are happy, I'm happy, and they did a great job on the project. I've been sleeping wonderfully and just, ahhhhh. I feel peace. 

I have to say this before I say anything else on this blog: THANK YOU.

Thank you to everyone. Thank you to the people who donated their time, their money, and every single item that came my way. There literally isn't a way for me to thank every single person. It actually bothers me a lot that I can't sufficiently thank people, but I know that's how this works. I will pay it forward forever.  Thank you for your prayers and kind words. There has been something carrying me for 6 months, and I know without a doubt, it's been God, the people in my life, and the prayers sent up on my behalf.  I was driving on Saturday and all of a sudden I started crying. I was happy, but mostly, it was a release. I have tried holding everything together without snapping for so long, I finally realized it, I felt it and finally let it out. Thank you to every single person who loved me and my children. Thank you for your kind words, which continue to come my way. I'm only as strong as the people holding me up. 

I'll be getting settled for a bit, but the major stuff is finished, so rather than continue to talk about which task I completed, I'll move back on to topics like "Top 10 Dumbest Things I've Ever Said" and "Why Men are like Light Switches". 

By the way, I really did say something quite puzzling to my friend, Brandi, at the gym yesterday. We were talking about relationships and I said "I know what I want. I want a friend with benefits that is my boyfriend." And she laughed and cocked her head. I think it's genius. 

Still Moving

I'm still moving today. I am so exhausted and I did something to my hip before I slept on the floor, so now it's in excruciating pain. I spent 45 minutes trying to stretch it out last night, but it still hurts.  I have too much to do though; gotta push through it. 

I ordered the kids' furniture and some other stuff yesterday to be delivered tomorrow, and I also bought some necessities like towels and dishes and a shower curtain for the kids' bathroom. I realized yesterday, I didn't own one towel, a trash can....stuff you don't think about. I ordered everything from a company called Cort after the fire, which was a relief because the last thing I wanted to do is shop, spend money on crap I had already had, and let's not forget, I didn't have the time. Anyway, now I get to do that because the rental stuff is going back and this time it's fun.

I took a shower in my new shower yesterday. Oh. My. Gosh.  I'm going to be the cleanest person on the planet because it was unbelievable. I really didn't expect it to be that awesome. It's heaven. I wish everyone could try it out, but that would be weird. 

First Night Back

I was so excited to sleep at the new, well, old new house tonight, that I slept on the floor. I'm not sleeping very well because the floor really isn't very comfortable! Imagine that! 

There are lots of new noises because the house is settling and I have had all new units put in. I'll get used to it I'm sure. I keep reaching for old light switches and I even ran into a wall that didn't used to be there. Lol. Seriously. 

I'm so happy to be back home. I know it will take a minute to get settled but I can do that, gladly. I have so much to be thankful this year. 

This is kinda funny....I was eating with my two contractors this morning and when it was my turn to order, I had a hard time deciding whether I really wanted chicken sausage or whether or not I'd rather have fruit. They watched, and then laughed at me. It dawned on me that all they've done for 6 months is watch me make decisions, well, and run away and NOT make decisions. Ahem. Avoidance. I guess I was mistaken about one thing....I thought I made them quickly and I was low-maintenance about the whole thing. I told them that. They laughed. So I said "Am I the worst kind? High-maintenance who thinks I'm low-maintenance?" Lee said "Getting warmer."  Ha.  I mean, in my defense, every day I had to make decisions, so sometimes I would say "I don't know. Let me call you back." And then sometimes I would change my mind after deciding. The important thing is that I ended up deciding! I do like to weigh and analyze everything before committing to something that I'll be stuck with. It never seems fast enough for everyone else. 

My bed for the night....

They warned me that my chandelier wasn't bright enough, and it kinda isn't, but that's what lamps are for. Look at the pretty shadows on my ceiling! 

YAHOOOOOOOOOOO

My house will officially be finished tomorrow; we passed inspections today and I will be able to move back home on Saturday!

I AM SO EXCITED!!! And it's beautiful.  I'll post pictures tomorrow. 

5 Hearts

I've been really busy this week, which I realize isn't different from any other week, except that I'm extra busy this week. I may be able to move into my house this weekend!!!! Yay! This means that I'm busy doing last minute things for my contractor. 

I love having twins. I know that they're a lot of work, and I know that people get scared thinking about how much of a handful twins must be, but they're really such a blessing and the bond between them is amazing to watch.  My boys are the most precious, most delightful people on the planet. I couldn't imagine sweeter beings. Everyone falls in love with them because they truly are such sweethearts. They're amazing. I can't believe I had such perfect little boys. 

I ran out of the room to put a load of laundry in before school this morning and I had just told Carson and Dylan that they needed to brush their teeth; I meant when I came back so I could help them.  I came back to find this.....

They always say "Give me a boost!" And then they act like a step stool for each other. 

Next up....

Carson's first stick person, which I think is SO good!!! I love how children always draw the arms out of the head. 

I love being a mommy. It's like I have four hearts, other than my own. 

Food Cravings

Thought this was interesting. :)

Dreams of Superheroes....and Time Machines

I had the weirdest dream I've had in a while. I had a dream that the company I work for invented a time-traveling machine. You sat in it in the middle of a field and it opened up a rabbit hole with big gold coil looking things above you. You were then shot into the air and thrust into a different time period, but the risk was that you might blow up. In the midst of us testing our machine, our shop was in the ghetto (and also in a field, right??) and it was like Boys in the Hood for a while. I was scared because I had never seen a drive-by shooting before, but I did in my dream. And worst part is that I saw who did it, so I had to decide whether to bring the guys down or plead the fifth. So I'm ducking from stray bullets and yet I'm on a farm??  Dreams are so weird. Must have been all the sugar I ate last night. 

Speaking of dreams.....

Dylan asked me last night when he'll get to be te REAL Superman. He asked if he will get to be Superman when he "grows up and gets really big and strong". He asked if Superman was real and I said yes. Every little boy needs to believe in Superheroes. And Dylan believes in Superman like Santa. I'm not kidding, the kid is absolutely obsessed with Superman. It's so adorable. He told me Lindsey said he isn't real; I said she didn't know what she is taking about. I do wish I had a time machine because one day I'm going to miss these moments. 

Logan and his friends broke off from us. And look at his half-ass costume......

Thank you, Pre-K teachers for Pajama Day, strategically placed the morning after Halloween! 

Good morning!!!!