I feel like I am in purgatory right now. I genuinely love being by myself and not having to deal with the burdens of a relationship. I love focusing on myself and not having to deal with someone else's moods and feelings. Then there is also the part of me that is so burned, fearful, and irritated and deep down I know that's why I snarl at the idea of a relationship. I have been caught purposely pissing guys off just so they'll hate me and leave me alone. I have purposely sabotaged friendships that I felt were reaching the "blurred lines" status. What do I mean? A guy has done something nice, so naturally, I am mean to him to make myself less appealing to him. On top of having these childish issues sewn to my ass, it isn't like me to whore around and it's impossible for me to be a serial monogamist. Why? Because it's not just anyone I can feel romantic feelings about and I don't have a problem being alone, so why would I just have someone hanging around like a house plant or some kind of accessory? So what does this mean? I just have to accept the fact that I am a tad bit cynical, love myself a little too much, and I just flat-out don't know what I want, but I know it's not that. I am not at the point where I am willing to share a closet or my cabinet space with someone.
What do I miss? I miss having someone to do thoughtful things for. I miss snuggling. I miss regular sex without games or the fear of catching an STD. I miss deciding what to have for dinner. I miss waking in the middle of the night and having a body there when I am scared. I miss someone to say I Love You to, and meaning it, feeling it in my nerve endings. I miss feeling love in my heart because I see a difference in myself when I don't care about a guy that way. Anddddd that's pretty much it I guess. I really like having my own closet and cabinet space.
I was one of those girls who always wanted to get married and have a lot of kids. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified of marriage and wasn't sure I could ever trust someone enough to go through with it, but I still loved the idea of being with someone and building a life together and sitting as an old person with grandchildren and admiring the work we'd accomplished together. I believed so much in the institution that I was sure I could never do it, because I couldn't ever bear for it to not work out. I love my parents and they did a lot of good, but the multiple divorces had an effect on me and my siblings. How did it affect me? Pretty simple. I have never seen anything last forever, so I feared my ability to commit for forever. I feared that I was damaged. I feared that I would hurt my children. I have always waited for the bottom to drop out, because it always did. Every time I thought things were settled, someone else was divorcing and my life was bursting into flames again. I have a very hard time talking about all of this because, although it has taught me to be resilient, it's also taught me to doubt people and my happiness. When things are going well, I have to try to not fear that things are about to cave in on me.
My biggest fear was that I couldn't commit. Actually, it turns out that I can commit, in fact, it's in my nature to be loyal. What I had not counted on is that my commitment to someone I love can outlast my heart, and eventually, like sick hearts do, it stopped beating. When I said yes, I meant it. When I walked down the aisle, I didn't drag my feet. When I said "I do", I felt every word. I married the exception to my fears, him. I didn't consider that there exist certain circumstances that could completely null and void the promises I was making, but with wisdom, I have found that they were there.
What did I look like married? I dove headfirst. I believed that whatever I put into the relationship would carry us. I looked pretty when he got home. I cooked dinner. I cleaned the house. I packed his lunch and put notes in the bags. I took care of the kids. I tried not to nag or be demanding. I gave him space when he got home from work so he wouldn't feel bombarded. I started the shower for him and woke him up with a sweet voice. I tried not to force him to do things he didn't want to do. I supported him and trusted him. I forgave. I forgot. I trusted that the future would be different. I read books about love and marriage. "The Power of a Praying Wife", "The Five Love Languages", The Bible. I loved his son as my own and treated him as my own, because I truly loved him as my own. I tried until my heart stopped beating and I couldn't do it anymore. I did it until I felt that we were never going to be on the same page. I truly did. And I am broken hearted that I am different now. I feel like I can't give to someone like that again, except my children, of course. And it isn't fair because in a relationship, I am happy. I am sweet. I am giving. I bend. I can't do that anymore.
If you are married or in a relationship, please understand that no two people are invincible. You can call each other a name too many times. You can hurt them one too many times. Stop thinking that "sorry" makes it ok and change your behavior. Stop telling yourself "sorry" makes it better. A time or two, fine. You are not fine, years later, and you'll end up hating each other. What is a precious bond can be destroyed. And if you are the one not actively participating in the relationship, when your significant other leaves, it will be extremely unfair to fault them for doing so. Love each other. Don't take for granted the bond you share. There are deal breakers and you probably already know what they are. Just because you are married doesn't mean you can just check out. The one who is miserable is usually the one who files, and then the person who files ultimately gets blamed....how fair is that? It isn't.
Life isn't fair. It seems like we're all chasing the wrong person while the right one is chasing us. We leave them in a cloud of dust, while we're left in a cloud of dust. It seems like two people who would actually be of the same caliber are rarely together. I don't know why, and I don't know what the answers are, I just know that it sucks.
I was alone for Thanksgiving because I moved here for my ex and I don't have family here. I would rather drink poison than to hurt my kids the way my parents hurt me by not living in the same state. I'm also blessed with in-laws and an ex who adore my children and help me raise them. The truth is, I was ok; I watched "The Godfather" and did stuff around the house. I have a feeling Christmas is going to be brutal though for me this year. I shouldn't be alone because I don't deserve it. Whether I'm ok being alone or not isn't the point. (Why is this font suddenly so small?)
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