The Sunday after Carson had surgery I began reading Twilight. Ok, let me back up. I SWORE I would never read these books because, ok, well, I was being snobby and I wasn’t interested in any book filed under the “Teen Paranormal Romance” section at Barnes and Noble. I’ve also never been into werewolves and vampires—I’ve just never understood the fascination. It’s like people being obsessed with Unicorns or something. What’s the point? I don’t tend to jump on a bandwagon just because something’s popular; in fact, I’m usually only dragged like a carcass and kidnapped onto the wagon….where I finally form an opinion. This is what has happened with the Twilight series. I have a daughter who wants to read the books and see the new movie, so I decided to preview them first. I was also flat-out tired of not being able to have an opinion and defend my anti-Twilight-stance with my Twilight-obsessed friends. After reading them, I can say that I am somewhere in the middle of the road.
First of all, my daughter will not be seeing the new movie. It was entirely too gory. When adults are running out of the theatre holding their mouths so the vomit won't spew everywhere, I take that as a sign that my daughter is too young.
Don’t kill me; it’s just my personal experience!
First of all, this will be the shortest review ever because I am only touching on the things floating through my head right this second and I can’t imagine that people will care to read if I elaborate much more.
Stephanie Meyer is obviously a good story-teller. I wouldn’t however call her a good writer because she is very one-dimensional. What you see is what you get and there isn’t much more than the story to chew on and analyze. What I thought the story was, it ended up being. As I expected, she didn’t use metaphors, enough foreshadowing— all of the tricks that make English teachers tingly. The fourth book had a lot of mistakes in it and I was disappointed with the story, but I blame the editors for that. But what do I know? I can only dream of her kind of success!
I will say that I am pleasantly surprised that I allowed myself to see past the vampire and werewolf thing. Edward is the dreamiest, most perfect “man” ever to have been created. Meyer captured exactly what women want. I have always had a serious crush on Rhett Butler, but I have to say—Edward is right up there with him. Edward is exactly what you want in a man, and he makes Bella feel exactly what we as girls want to feel. Too bad it’s called FICTION.
I was entertained through the first book and New Moon, but somewhere in the middle of Eclipse, I lost interest. I didn’t like that Bella was going to become a vampire, and I preferred the star-crossed-lovers thing. The tension, what kept me interested, was lost once I realized that Bella really would live forever with Edward. Who wants to live forever on this planet? Not me! I would prefer to go to Heaven where everything is perfect. And how will she feel when Edward starts doing something obnoxious, like balling up his socks and throwing them into the hamper for her to sort out? She was with him for two years! What does a 17-year-old know about forever? I can’t even picture living for eternity on Earth. Anyway, I wanted to scream “Don’t do it, Bella!!!” I guess I am too much of a realist to see the beauty in living on this Earth with ANYONE forever. Marriage for 70 years, cool. I said "I do" to that. A million years? Uh, I think I may have gotten cold feet. Love you, Don!
Of course, I have a lot more to say about the books, but I promised to keep it brief. If anyone wants to take me out back and beat me with a stick, just call me and we’ll set it up. I realize that I am not making many girlfriends right now. I’m about to make it ten times worse……
Advice to Men based on the Twilight Series
1. Women want Edward, so read up. To be more specific, they want the “bad-ass” who will protect them but still allow them their freedom to have a guy friend, even if it’s a guy who really wants to sleep with them. That’s reasonable, right? Oh, and you aren’t supposed to get mad at us if we kiss that guy friend, because we love you more. (Eclipse.)
2. They want a guy who only has eyes for them, maybe even more than one guy like that. A guy who will live and die for them, that will make every move based on their satisfaction. They want a romantic, old-fashioned, family man—but don’t forget to still be adventurous after a long day of at the office!
3. I read somewhere that married women have been complaining to their marriage counselors that they want their husbands to be more like Edward. You will never be Edward, so I guess you’re all screwed.
What I know about Women from Reading Twilight
1. We want Edward.
2. We will never have Edward; therefore, we will have to keep reading books where a man like this exists.
3. We love the idea of one, perfect, soul mate.
4. We want to be cherished for all of eternity.
5. We want romance every day.
Ladies, based on the above observations, why are there so many men out there claiming that girls only go for guys who treat them like crap? Am I the only one who finds this Twilight phenomenon slightly confusing? What do we want, ladies? I really don't know what to tell my sons. I really don't.
dipsomania \dip-suh-MEY-nee-uh\, noun:
An irresistible, typically periodic craving for alcoholic drink.
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