I took a psychology class in college that presented a couple of different theories about music and your mood. One of them suggested that music changes your mood; the other stated that you seek music based on your mood you are already in. I think that both are true. I know that I tend to listen to Coldplay when I am sad, supporting the idea that you seek melancholy music when you are melancholy. I have been listening to Coldplay today and it’s definitely because I am sad. I keep tearing up about things.
Let me first say some things about the way that I am…..if I don’t like you and you suck, it takes me a long time to figure it out because I usually like everyone right away. Unless you are pure evil and you give off major devil-vibes, I like you. I think that there is something beautiful and likeable about everyone in the world and I always look for it and see it. There are faults and ugliness in all of us, so why concentrate on others’ faults right away? But even if I like you and you don’t suck, if you keep hurting me or someone I care about and I get to the point where I am done, I am done. There’s no looking back, I feel nothing, you are completely dead to me and you can never fix it. Maybe this is wrong and I should be more forgiving, but I can’t help it because when I get to that point, there’s usually been so much abuse, it’s ridiculous and an ending is long overdue. I know that it’s probably an extreme way to be, but I’m extreme on the other hand, too. When I love and care about someone, I will do everything that I can for them and defend them no matter how messy it gets— sometimes it gets me into trouble and causes stress, but that’s the way that I am. I’m sure that there are people who don’t like me because of it, but I don’t care. My sister went out with a guy that I didn’t like. He was scary and I knew that he would eventually hurt her. She got drunk, passed out, and I made sure that I had a talk with him while she was unconscious....one that would result in him never calling her again. She wasn’t mad because she knew that I was right, and I am sure that he hated me….I didn’t care. He was evil. I take it on if I love you and I don’t hesitate. Now that I have said all of this, I can explain what I’m feeling lately.
I am sick of watching my loved ones being hurt by others, and sometimes watching them hurt themselves. I want to let my fists fly at my pillows; I want to scream at someone, I want to let the profanities fly—bad stuff. There’s been so much going on with so many of my friends and my family lately and I just want to pick up the phone and scream at the people causing them pain. My cousin has three kids with a man who I am convinced is the most crazy and selfish person on the planet. Then last week I talked to one of my best friends in the world and someone who has already tried to ruin her life is trying to cause her more unnecessary pain—I was sick to my stomach after I heard how he was acting. After she finished the story I took a deep breath and realized that I had basically been panting the whole time she was talking because I was so angry. I have become much more aware of my breathing since I have been taking yoga religiously.
There’s some stuff going on with another one of my friends that really upset me yesterday and I feel like it just finally hit me today that I am just flat-out sad. At first I am always angry and running my mouth when something happens and that’s the easier way to be, but then I realize that there isn’t anything I can do about it and that there are horrible people in the world and that bad things happen and I get upset. I guess all I can do is be there and support them and pray.
I was thinking about why I tend to not stick up for myself but I always stand up for my friends and family….I realized that it is because I have never had to. I have always had someone there defending and helping me—my whole life. I have had people there to punch my boyfriends in the face, run their mouths when someone is disrespecting me, support me in every way imaginable……I’m a lucky girl.
I am not perfect and I realize that by saying "Don't ever talk to me again", maybe it looks like I think I am, but I really don't. I live with my faults every day, so I don't need you knocking me and the people I love into the ground too. And I know it’s probably wrong that I don’t forgive people at a certain point, and I am thankful that others are willing to forgive me. I thank God every day that people love me, flaws and all. I can be a handful, a pain in the butt, opinionated, mean, selfish, a jabber-jaw, a hyper and crazy chick, I never shut up……but for some reason God blessed me with the best friends and family on Earth.
I am also sad because Carson has surgery tomorrow morning and I hate seeing him in pain. I have avoided thinking about it, but it’s hard to do now, being that it’s tomorrow. I’m dreading it. I am not very hungry, I have knots in my stomach, and then everything else that’s making me sad is making it worse. I went to the gym this morning and it made me feel a little better. I listened to Lil John on my iPod. His goofy “Yeaaah!” always cheers me up. I wish I had an alarm clock that said “WHAT? Yeaaaaah! OKAAAAY!” I’d wake up giggling every day.
There was also a huge dork at the gym that made me chuckle this morning. He was such a tool. His shorts were way too short, he was grunting and making crazy faces because he was lifting entirely too much weight for his body, and he had a big water bottle with a pink drink. Guys just don’t get it sometimes. If you are swinging a weight and throwing your back out, you look like an idiot. Go for a lighter weight and stop looking like such a d-bag! See? I'm mean. Thank God my friends and family see past it.
I think that ending with this link is just perfect. Ryan Tedder says it best.
http://youtu.be/lBzZwh3BG0g
I think that ending with this link is just perfect. Ryan Tedder says it best.
http://youtu.be/lBzZwh3BG0g
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