You know how Seinfeld talked about “the close talker”? You know, the people who are like one inch away from your face when they are talking to you? You can inch away, begging for personal space while trying not to be being rude, but they end up following you as you back up because they don’t take social cues. Well, I would like to talk about the The Close Dancer.
The Close Dancer is a woman who shows up late to Zumba class, ignores the fact that there are empty spaces available in the room, and decides to be all up in your PERSONAL DANCE SPACE just because she is inconsiderate and socially retarded. The Close Dancer is essentially just a lobotomized brain walking around on a pair of uncoordinated legs. She is usually wearing some retarded outfit to class, like jeans (seriously), and has no idea that when the teacher goes left, that means her too. You step on The Close Dancer and slap her in the face and instead of laughing, you feel like taking her by the jean’s pocket and flinging her across the room.
Last night I got to class ten minutes early; in fact, I usually do arrive early to grab a spot, no matter which class I am in. Class started, we’re all warmed up and in our spaces, when this single-celled amoeba walks in and starts flapping her arms while standing less than a foot away from me. There are tons of spaces and she is like RIGHT THERE! I thought “Are you kidding me, lady? Seriously? We aren’t doing the Macarena for an hour. BACK OFF!” I was already close to the back and to the wall, the reason being that it’s everyone’s least favorite place to be because you can’t see the instructor as well. It doesn’t bother me, so I go to the back where I can have some room. Anyway, after almost stepping on this lady while doing a grapevine to the right, I got irritated and scooted back, ALL THE WAY TO THE GLASS! It irritated me that I had to do that, so I jumped in front of her and demanded my space back. It is so irritating! I just don’t get it! The leech probably didn’t even notice.
I know that the world is overpopulated, but come on, man! There is more space on the planet and in the gym; you don’t have to climb on my shoulders in order to take a Zumba class. The planet is filled with molecules and atoms and cells, and guess what else…..SPACE!
You know, it isn’t just in Zumba where you find Space Hoggers. There are people that will come into a yoga or Pilates class and your mat is the only one on the ground. They will nuzzle it up RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS like they want to spoon with you. I just don’t get it! I used to ignore it, but now I make a point to move my mat because I am hoping that they will feel stupid….because it is stupid. These same people are the ones who observe an open parking lot and they choose the one spot next to your car. They park over the line while they are at it.
People at the gym really irritate me. We have to Close Dancers, the Mat Smotherers, the Rubber Neckers on the machines (these are the people who spy to see your weight and how hard you’re pushing it. Get a life.) We have the dirty old men who compliment you on your stretching skills, we have the people who sweat all over the machines and don’t wash them off, and then we have the douche bags who don’t know how to clear their weights or are too rushed to clear them....they have to get to the tanning bed. If you are going to put 200 pounds on a barbell, do you think that you could like actually put the weights back where they go? Not everyone is on roids, and not everyone has the time to clean up your messes. I am smaller than you are and I am not your mom. Clean your messes.
Did I miss anyone? Who else at the gym sucks?
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