Why Can't I Be a Gold-Digger?

Sometimes I think the girls who chase a man for money are so much smarter than I am.  Let me rephrase this....sometimes I think the girls put a man's financial worth in their Top 5, are smarter than me.  It happens to be so low on my list, you just wouldn't believe it.  That whole "I got you, babe" thing, I believe it.  Love won't pay the rent.  So what kind of dumbass am I?

Before I say any of this, clearly, the ideal would be to find a person you're insane about AND who is loaded....but how often does this happen?  It does sometimes, but it's been my experience that the two duel.  I'm not sure why this is the case for me.  It could be that I am actually turned off by money, but how stupid is that?  It could be that I tend to like more of an artistic guy, and artistic fields don't tend to make a lot money.  Or maybe since it isn't important to me and I don't immediately ward off people who don't have money, I put myself in a pool of men that is much larger and I give more people a chance.  Maybe I like the bad boy who doesn't conform, meaning that he does everything wrong.  I don't know.  I have stopped trying to figure it out.

Sometimes I wonder if I would actually be happier if I were more materialistic and less idealistic.  Money doesn't buy happiness, but doesn't it if you are a materialistic person?   The things I chase are SO much harder to obtain than money.  Why do I have to do what I love?  Why do I have to be passionate about the person I'm with?  Why can't liking someone be enough, why do I have to be insanely in love with the person?  Why can't someone just buy me off?  It would be so much easier if I could turn on my blinders and turn off my needs and tell myself that I could be happy in a mediocre existence, a calm and safe place with someone who would treat me correctly, even if I weren't crazy in love with them.  Everything fades eventually, and marriage turns out to be more of a contract than anything else anyway, right?  So tell me....how am I smarter than a gold-digger, or even a better person?  I am stubborn and clinging to my childish dreams about how MY life should be....what if the reality is that it doesn't exist because the stuff I care about doesn't last forever.  Maybe the gold-digger is smarter for accepting reality. We will all get old, fat, boring....maybe security is more important than I give it credit.  To add to my stupidity, it even says in the Bible that a woman's basic need is security.....so what the hell is wrong with me for dismissing it?

I have always said I would rather be madly in love with someone in a shack than to just like or respect someone in a mansion, and you know what?  It's annoying to be this way.  It's annoying to care about such things like personality, a hot body, chemistry, sense of humor, because it's hard to find all of these things in another person.  And if you do find it, you have to work out things like timing and such.   It would be so much easier to settle for someone who could just make my life easier and I could do whatever I want....like get my Master's in Fine Arts and NOT end up under a bridge in five years with all of my kids, because seriously, this would be the most retarded thing I could do on my own....but if I could sell out and settle down, I could.  Will never happen.  I have to do it all myself and be insanely in love.  And probably with someone who has twenty cents in his pocket.  And I don't care.

What's sad is that the guys who have gotten me don't even care that I feel this way.  The fact that there are girls out there who would never even consider them because they don't have enough money doesn't make me any more special to them.  Means nothing to them.  Doesn't it mean something to say "I love you not for what you can give me, but because if everything is gone and we have nothing, I will still be there next to you, beside you, loving you, no matter what?"  Maybe it will to someone.

I am so stupid.  I drive my friends crazy too.  I have said this before and I will say it again, but the Beastie Boys ruined me.  It's all their fault. Check your head is right.  I'm beginning to think that Rob Dyrdek or some other goofy retard is bound to end up my soul mate.  Maybe that's because I myself, am a goofy retard.

The Curious Cat

If you've ever wondered where the Alice thing started with me, it's because there couldn't be a better definition of who I am. Pretty much any time I do anything that requires a little leap or risk, I get called Alice. Even when I cry, I say "Why did I do that?" I've had friends who answer "Because, Alice." Tears don't stop me from seeking another heart splat, but that's because......

Why do people say "Curiosity killed the cat"?  It's a stupid expression.  I realize that maybe sometimes it does kill the cat, ok....so yeah, I get it......but how bored would the cat be plopping on a couch all day, never exploring or hunting or living his life?  Just because he is curious about one bad thing that kills him and took a risk doesn't mean that he died every other time. Just because you might get hurt doesn't mean you should never be curious and live your life.  You have to exercise caution along with curiosity, know the risks, and be able to accept the consequences.  To a curious person, even if the outcome is painful emotions, it's worth it because the curious person is seeking something different than safety and stability......

I think that people who think curiosity is bad are boring and very mistaken about who they are.  God created me to be a curious person and I seek HIM the same way that I seek the rest of the world.  He made us all curious. The people who fear this trait are afraid of their own lack of self-control. Humans are curious by nature.  I have an appetite.  I seek information and wisdom because I am curious.  Boredom and a stale existence are like death to me.  I analyze, I feel, and I try to grow and make sense of the world around me....that's what makes me curious, not the fact that I am simply out looking for trouble and ways to mess myself up.  In fact, I love myself, and this is why I want to grow, every day.  I think that people make the mistake of attaching curiosity with self-destructive behavior and that's really not what it's about at all for me.  For example, if you are doing drugs you know will kill you, sleeping around seeking an STD, or breaking what you know happens to be the law.....you aren't being curious because you already know the outcome. Curiosity to me is having an innocent, bright-eyed view of the world with the feeling that you're not going to be as innocent on the way out....it's truth seeking.  You have no idea what's on the other end, but you're open to it.  Curiosity is innocent because it lacks knowledge.  Wisdom is having knowledge, therefore you have grown once you've acquired it, and in turn, being less innocent. Being curious about the world does sometimes leave you thinking I wish I didn't know that because I was more innocent before or My ignorance was blissful.....but at the same time, you have the truth, which is the real reason you chased the rabbit down the hole to begin with. 

If you stay in your safe environments and don't experience new things and explore, how will you ever change?  I exercise self-control when I need to, I become wiser by making mistakes,  and I really do attempt to listen to the wisdom of others.  However,  there is one group of people that I don't take advice from regarding my life.   I don't tend to listen to "wisdom" that has come from someone who hasn't allowed themselves to be curious and who has always played it safe.   What don't you know about love if you're too afraid to fall and get hurt? What don't you know about your potential if you're too afraid to try anything new? What don't you know about growing if you refuse to allow yourself to leave your bubble?  I guess this is where my curiosity kicks in....I don't know about myself until I do, so I do.  When I don't, it's because I am either not curious or I am truly scared and it's stronger than my curiosity. I constantly try to rip down my walls though and I despise when they are there. 

You will fail sometimes, but sometimes you won't.  You will get hurt, but the experience is worth it if you can learn from it.  You will have regrets, but you will also have wisdom and you will appreciate the things you've accomplished. It will be dark going down that rabbit hole, but you'll wind up in Wonderland trying to make sense of yourself and the things around you.  You'll realize that there is a lot more to everything than the confines of your bubble. 

Hide & Seek

This really is a cool song.  It was played during my yoga class on Monday night......

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yURvdDxo9Po

 

Where Are We? What The Hell Is Going On?

The Dust Has Only Just Begun To Fall,

Crop Circles In The Carpet, Sinking, Feeling.

Spin Me 'round Again And Rub My Eyes.

This Can't Be Happening.

When Busy Streets Amass With People

Would Stop To Hold Their Heads Heavy.

Hide And Seek.

Trains And Sewing Machines.

All Those Years They Were Here First.

Oily Marks Appear On Walls

Where Pleasure Moments Hung Before.

The Takeover, The Sweeping Insensitivity Of This Still Life.

Hide And Seek.

Trains And Sewing Machines. (Oh, You Won't Catch Me Around Here)

Blood And Tears,

They Were Here First.

Mmm, What You Say?

Mm, That You Only Meant Well? Well, Of Course You Did.

Mmm, What You Say?

Mm, That It's All For The Best? Of Course It Is.

Mmm, What You Say?

Mm, That It's Just What We Need? And You Decided This.

What You Say?

Mmm, What Did You Say?

Ransom Notes Keep Falling Out Your Mouth.

Mid-Sweet Talk, Newspaper Word Cut-Outs.

Speak No Feeling, No I Don't Believe You.

You Don't Care A Bit. You Don't Care A Bit.

(Hide And Seek)

Ransom Notes Keep Falling Out Your Mouth.

Mid-Sweet Talk, Newspaper Word Cut-Outs.

(Hide And Seek)

Speak No Feeling, No I Don't Believe You.

You Don't Care A Bit. You Don't Care A Bit.

(Hide And Seek)

You Don't Care A Bit.

You Don't Care A Bit.

You Don't Care A Bit.

(Hide And Seek)

You Don't Care A Bit.

You Don't Care A Bit.

Top 10 Distractions in Yoga

One of the ideas behind yoga is learning how to be centered and unshakable, and that's why I seek it out as much as I do.  Sure, it's about stretching, releasing toxins, breathing, relaxing......but it's about learning to ignore the outside influences and distractions and instead, listening to your body and calming yourself.  I have had people screaming in my face and I can just stand there, motionless and feeling nothing, not reacting at all.....this is probably because of yoga, well, and the fact that it takes a lot to make me angry anyway.  Sure, I look crazy when I just stand there, but I'm not going psycho and reacting, so whatever.  You can only control yourself and your actions; you cannot control others and their actions and you'll go insane trying to. 

Just because you practice yoga in a quiet room doesn't mean you aren't getting tested and distracted.  These are always the things that throw me off if I am not in my zone.......

1. The Gumby Man. Sometimes I see a man so flexible that I cock my head and imagine the ways in which it may benefit me, or a girl in general.  It seriously throws off my Warrior III.
2. My Flexibility. Sometimes I applaud myself for how flexible I am and I imagine the ways it may benefit me.
3. The 300 pound man in front of me in black tightie whities.....is a problem for me.  I could barely get through class last week.  It threw me off the whole time. It was like staring at the sun. 
4. Back Bends.  I realize how much stress I carry in my back because when I am in a back bend, I sometimes get very angry and pissed off.  It is very hard to breathe through that....but so goes the practice.
5. The Moaner.  I think of sex.  I just want to tell them to contain themselves....because it makes me think of sex.
6. The Talker.  I hate this person.  STOP WHISPERING IN SHAVASANA!  Then I remember that it's just another reason to be focusing on my practice.
7. Tattoos.  I find myself admiring the tramp stamps and back tats, then I wonder why I'm such a wimp and won't commit to one. 
8. Sweat. It took me a really long time in hot yoga to learn to ignore the sweat.  I always wanted to wipe it off and frankly, it grossed me out.  It rolls into your eyes and burns them, you slip in it.....seriously.  You want to see how tough you are?  Practice yoga for an hour and a half in 120 degrees.
9. My Toes. If I need a pedicure, I take notice and then they bother me.
10. My Clothes. You aren't supposed to readjust your clothes, but I find them really annoying and have to refrain from pulling and fixing them in between poses.  However, I am not sure I am ready for naked hot yoga. Like ever.

I am never smiling when I am in this pose.

Creative by Nature

Have you ever paid attention to God's creations?  Look at the zebra.  It's like he made a horse and then said "Oh look at what I am about to do right now!"  Look at the way that some animals have sex.  Look at us.  We are a masterpiece, even when we are flawed.  Everything about the world is creative and if you really pay attention, it is art. It's as if God was playing with clay and coloring with a box of crayons.  He made the birds chirp, making music, and created the need for verbal and nonverbal communication and expression. Then he created us.

If we are made in God's image, wouldn't you think that we by nature, are creative beings? I believe we all are. We are today, and we have been since the beginning.  Even people from the paleolithic and neolithic times expressed themselves on their cave walls. The ability to be creative makes us human, and sets us apart from the animals.

Any time I am frustrated, sad, happy....basically any time I feel anything at all, I am inspired to write it all down.  I was upset and crying once and my friend who was with me said "Britt, write.  Write right now.  I'll get your laptop."  I said "No.  I have nothing to say," knowing I was basically playing hard to get with my feelings and my computer.  She got really sad and said "But that's what you do, Britt, you write."  I told her to grab my laptop and I went at it.  I was immediately better. When I don't write, it's because I am sulking, because really, I cannot live without it.  My creative outlet is like a drug.  Albert Einstein said, "Creativity is intelligence having fun" and I am not saying drugs are fun, but you know they have the reputation for being fun, so really, this all makes sense.

I believe that as long as you respect the PROCESS of creating art, you can speak to other artists that you have nothing in common with.  Art inspires other art, and that is so crazy and beautiful.  For example, when I was younger I completely ignored the Modern Art wing at the museum because I didn't understand it.  Now, I love it.  I understand that what happens to me when I write, or when I learn a song on the piano (I play by ear), is the same process for the artist.  There is nothing like feeling inspired, and the creatives understand that.

I believe that everyone has a creative fiber in their body, but some don't tap into it. I have noticed that children and adults who have found a creative outlet are calmer and can express themselves better than those who have not found one.  Those who don't create anything don't have that outlet for expression.  What is expression?  It is a result of your thoughts and emotions.  So without an outlet, they are stuck inside.  Eventually, the person who has no means of expressing themselves often blow up.

Since I respect the creative process, I can say this.....your creative outlet could anywhere from really listening to music and paying attention to the lyrics, to refinishing old furniture, to just truly appreciating art and watching others create.  You don't have to be classically trained on an instrument or be able to write well or paint or act to be considered a creative person, because you are. 

Being creative is in our nature.

Madness in Love

 

"There is always some madness in love.  But there is always some reason in madness."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

 

 

This idea is so perplexing to me.  When you imagine madness, you think of chaos.  Madness is without rhyme or reason, clarity or answers at the end of the day. 

mad·ness /ˈmædnɪs/ Show Spelled 

noun

1.

the state of being mad; insanity.

2.

senseless folly: It is sheer madness to speak as you do.

3.

frenzy; rage.

4.

intense excitement or enthusiasm.

 

 

Reason is exactly the opposite of madness. 

 

rea·son

/ˈrizən/ Show Spelled 

noun

1.

a basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event, etc.: the reason for declaring war.

2.

a statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.

3.

the mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences.

4.

sound judgment; good sense.

5.

normal or sound powers of mind; sanity.

 

 

Nietzsche says that there is always some madness in love and that is first of all, because love itself is often without reason.  Even if you can describe why or how you love someone, usually, the feeling is there or it isn't.  Love leaves you doing things that to a reasonable person, seem insane, and you can rarely reason with your heart.  Secondly, chaos is just chaos. Chaos theory is as real as any force or theory in the universe; it just exists, like gravity.  Scientists actually study its randomness, it's also called "The Butterfly Effect". 

 

love

/lʌv/ Show Spelled 

noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.

(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

 

 

One of the hardest things I have had to do is write on a piece of paper the pros and cons of staying and leaving a relationship, because essentially, I had to force my feelings, which are absolutely without reason, into categories that could make sense to my brain.  There is always a battle between your heart and your head, and that I guess, is due to chaos.

 

 

I will tell you where I have grown the most.  It's since I realized and accepted this.....

 

Love is a lesson. 

 

Sometimes you just have to accept the love you feel, regardless of what sense it makes or doesn't make.  You cannot control it, just like you can't control the weather.  Stay in it, walk away from it, but don't think you can wrap your mind around why it doesn't make sense.....it just doesn't and honestly, you can learn more from accepting it in the form it came in rather than forcing it to be something it is not.  Sometimes you have to walk away rather than to try and make it fit into the circumstances that are not. Sometimes you have to  just let love take you in the direction in which it is blowing you and realize that resisting it is the real insanity.  Sometimes you have to accept its madness. 

 

I have actually learned to do this, and if anything, I am proud of myself for just accepting the circumstances where I learned to love regardless of the fact that everything was beyond my control and even more so, knowing that it will come again one day. 

 

 

  

 

Muse, Madness

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek0SgwWmF9w&feature=kp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Mafia Movies Taught Me

"Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut." -Jimmy Conway, Good Fellas. This really is great advice.  If you don't agree with your friend, take it up with them, but your job as a friend is to keep your mouth shut and be there for them.  You don't backstab them by running your mouth to others about their business.  If I have learned anything about what a friend's role is, it is to be supportive and to provide a safe haven.  There are other people to fill the judgmental roles, like priests and moms.

"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."-Don Corleone, The Godfather.  This is so true.  Period. 

"Never let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking."-The Godfather, Don Corleone. I really didn't talk about my marriage with anyone in my family, nor my friends, because I knew that the second I did, it would not be mendable.  I always knew the second that I did, that it was over in my heart and that's because I protect my relationships and I am loyal to the person I am with.  You have to make sure that you know what the hell you're doing before listening to others' opinions about your life, and if you don't know and you really need the support of others, be prepared to use all of your brainpower deciphering between the information while not being influenced and trying to hear your inner-voice.  You're very vulnerable and weak, and sometimes the wrong people can sense it and pounce on you. It's best to think before opening your mouth.

Brothers protect their sisters. (Sonny and Connie.)  I am so glad I have a brother.  I remember one night I went to this All-Star game VIP party.  It was in 2003 I think.  Anyway, the game was in Milwaukee and Ashli and I were on the guest list.  We met Derek Jeter and A-Rod and Alfonzo Soriano, some other people that I had no idea existed.  We went to an after party, so we weren't home by the time my brother and our boyfriends thought we would be.  When we got home at 3 am, all three of them were sleeping on the porch; they had been waiting for us.  My brother had driven up to where the party was to check the list and see if we were there.  He was worried.  There have been many instances where my brother has had to restrain himself from being crazy like Sonny and I feel bad about it.  Between me and my sister.....he didn't exactly get wallflowers, which means he's had to be that much more protective. The funny thing is that I never know that he has done anything on my behalf until years later.

"When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point?"-Ace Rothstein, Casino. Very true.

You can't make a coked-up whore a housewife. (Casino.) I always feel so bad for Robert DeNiro in this movie.  He loved this tramp so much and he went against his gut.  Kind of a bad idea, but love makes you nuts.

There isn't anything to learn from Scarface except that you can buy guns and coke and say the F word a lot with some money.  Oh, and a tiger and Michelle Pfeiffer.

 

Leave the gun, take the cannoli. -The Godfather. I don't know when I will ever be in a situation where this advice will be useful, but hey, you never know.  Maybe one day I'll shoot guns and eat pastries.

That people will claw and scratch to save their own asses if they have to.  I love "The Departed" but every time I watch it, I nibble my nails the whole time and cringe.  It actually stresses me out, but it's so good.  AND, Frank Costello is one of the funniest characters there is...."One of us had to die. With me, it tends to be the other guy." Ha. 

That I can say "What, funny like how, like a clown?  I'm here to amuse you?" and it never really gets old.

Atlanta Ballet's Romeo & Juliet

I bought a t-shirt and on the back is this

 

I have been trying to think of the right words to describe what I saw at the ballet on Friday night, but I don't think I can describe the beauty that I witnessed.  I have never seen such an amazing ballet in my life, and the only way that I can describe it is this....the dancers articulated every emotion even down to their fingertips.  I got goose bumps and tears in my eyes, it was so powerful.  Kasie and I didn't even know what to say to each other, but we smiled and just said "WOW".  The set, the choreography, the music....my gosh, the orchestra was amazing. 

Kasie was making little notes on her program because she was feeling inspired; she is in college for fashion, and I was making mental notes because I was feeling inspired as well.  I have this theory that art inspires other art and as long as you have an appreciation for the creative process, as artists, you can speak the same language.  I am actually going to write an entire entry about this tomorrow.  It's human nature to create and to be curious, and I will delve into that tomorrow.  

Kasie, so glad to have you in my life, Mini-Me! 

Grace On Repeat

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from, these evil deeds
Before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings
The consequence at hand, but I keep livin' this day like
The next will never come-Fiona Apple, Criminal

Ever notice that the crap you struggle with keeps popping up throughout your life as if it's on repeat?   If I didn't believe in grace, I would wonder if it's because we are wired a certain way, and I am sure to a certain extent, we are.  But more than that, I think it's because we keep looking back and we think we are looking forward.  We look into our reflection with our face forward, but all we can see is behind us or who we were in the past because it's how we see ourselves.  Our past sins are like vultures, flying over us, waiting for us to drop dead at any moment so they can ravage us and we fear it.  At this point, we become a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Some people see themselves better than they really are, and for those people....I am sorry.  It must suck to never think you are wrong or sin because you will never improve yourself.  You don't see vultures, but instead, invisible rainbows and a smile.  But for the rest of us....those who have sinned and are aware of it, those who time after time ask for forgiveness from God and ourselves and never quite feel redeemed, it's sometimes a struggle to live in our own skin.  To these people, and I have to remind myself all the time, grace is what will save you, but you have to accept it. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

The Greek philosopher, Epictetus, said that it isn't events in our lives that hurt us, but it's our view of them that can.  He says that things and people do not hinder or hurt us.  It is completely our attitude and reaction that gives us trouble....so shouldn't we include ourselves as a person and give ourselves the same respect that we give everyone else?  We are essentially taking people off the hook for what they have done if we decide that they have no power, right?  Our will is always within our power....even God gave us free reign over our will, so why would we forfeit and hand it over to someone or something that hurt us?  Obviously, events and people can knock us down and hurt us temporarily, but it's up to us to get up and move forward, and you cannot do that while looking back at past events and holding grudges.....even the ones you hold against yourself.

Sinking in Skin

"My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep;

the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."

-Juliet, Romeo and Juliet-Shakespeare

I am going to see Atlanta Ballet's "Romeo and Juliet" tonight.  I can't wait.  I am taking my friend, Kasie.  Just a few words about "Romeo and Juliet".....clearly beautiful, obviously tragic, understandably a classic, and not far-fetched....at least in my opinion.  When I hear the expression "young love", I don't think YOUNG as having anything to do with your age, but the feeling that you get when you are in love, no matter how old you are.  I am 33 years old, but I will lose my head in love.  I will play and wrestle like a teenager I will get butterflies, and I will do anything to make the other person happy....because that's what falling in love does to you. 

Then there's what happens when it develops into real love.....

Bush's opening lyrics to "Glycerine" are "It must be your skin that I'm sinking in, it must be for real 'cause now I can feel".  Have you ever loved someone so much that you feel like you can't get close enough to them?  And I mean, you're CLOSE, if you know what I mean.  It's physically impossible to be any closer, and it's still not enough. When you love someone this much, you feel like you were dead before you loved them and the thought of not having them in your life is unbearable. If you've never felt love like this, you haven't lived. Sinking in another's skin.....Star-crossed or not, it's beautiful. It's a bond that I don't understand. It's so innocent. You never expect it and can't explain it. 

Forget a Valentine's Day meal and forced V-Day sex.  Forget anniversaries even.  You want to know what I find romantic?

I find this romantic....the feeling that you would do anything for another person, proving it, and having that person feel the same way.  When there is bad weather, you think about that person's safety and they think about yours.  When you are feeling awful about something in your life and when you are as happy as you've ever been....you want to tell that person first and they want to hear it.  When you are exposed and comfortable enough for a person to see everything good and bad about you, that's real romance.  When you have a friendship so strong that nothing seems to ruin it and yet you just happen to want to sink in each other's skin?  That's where it's at.  Give me that.  I don't want chocolates.

I won't settle for anything less than this feeling. 

Why Valentine's Day Sucks

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  I write a blog every year about why I absolutely HATE canned love holidays, or, well, I guess just Valentine's Day because it's the only one.  Keep reading....it isn't because I am single.  I have always hated it. I don't need a day to justify myself, and if you are single, don't buy into that....it's stupid. 

Why?

What it boils down to is this: I don't like the idea of someone being forced to send me flowers or take me to a crowded restaurant where we both have to eat heart-shaped steaks and pink desserts just so he won't be considered a jerk and I won't feel unloved.  I would rather him take me out randomly on a weekday because he feels like it.  I hate waiting in silence at a restaurant for hours on Valentine's Day night...you're in silence because your blood sugar is so low that you could eat your own limb. By the time you sit down to eat, you're so grouchy, you don't' even want to talk to the other person.  Then after stuffing yourself, you HAVE to go home and have forced Valentine's Day sex because it says something about your relationship if you don't.  Not that I hate sex, quite the opposite, but I hate someone telling me I have to be lovey and mushy because it's a day on a calendar.  How about I watch TV just to spite Hallmark?  I don't like rose petals on a bed because it's cheesy, I just.....ick.  I don't know.  That stuff freaks me out.  I would settle for a grilled cheese and snuggling on the couch, and no rose petals.  What is that anyway?   I don't like anything that feels forced.  I am not seduced by gimmicks.  I wish I were because then maybe a guy would have a clue as to what to do with me, but honestly, there isn't a way for me to describe it except this....when I want a person, I just do and I just want the dude to want me back.  I just want to feel something and say I love you and hear the same thing.  That's it. 

Now don't think this means I am low-maintenance. I am actually a pain in the ass. I require attention and conversation the whole year.  I come off easy because I don't give a rat's ass about presents and dinners and chocolates and flowers.  Trust me.  Most guys would probably rather send flowers and be done with it than to be with me.  BUT, I am truly passionate and things like conversation and time together is pretty much all I care about.  Oh how I wish I could be bought with a bag or a box of chocolates. Maybe the idea is that you are supposed to get both?  I don't know.  

Either way, I will be going to dinner with my friend and I will be going to a ballet. And it'll be glorious! Heehee

The Problem With Emojis

Even the hottest guy can lose a girl from the overuse of Emojis.  Using them too much implies that you don't know how to get your point across without some stupid cartoon face saying whatever you're afraid to say, for you.  You aren't a 15-year-old girl doodling on your notebook during science class. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're appropriate, but I have met guys who pretty much only speak fluent in Emoji and it's.....a turnoff. The way things are going, eventually, no one will communicate with words.  We'll be like cavemen again and grunt something when we see an apple....not the word apple, but this:

Or should I say this:

NOTE: I am NOT only talking to APPLE USERS.  Emojis are everywhere, Google Folk. 

You really can start to lose a girl with one of these:

Until Apple makes dirty Emojis, I don't see how guys can use them as much as girls without coming off as annoyingly boring.  And it doesn't make any sense as to why they haven't made dirty Emojis because you can paint some pretty sick and politically incorrect pictures through the use of them.  And yes, I took the time to make these because Atlanta sucks right now and we are snowed in. 

Here are some things that don't make sense about Emojis.

Please use Emojis with caution. My eyes hurt from all of this:

I'm glad Apple gave me 20 monkey Emojis and a banana so I can say this when I try to communicate what I think your IQ is....

Yay, Brittany!!!! 

14 Anti-Valentine Songs for the 14th

1. Self Esteem, The Offspring
....the only relationship you're in is with your own loathing.
http://slack-time.com/music-video-73-the-offspring-self-esteem

2. You Make Me Feel Like a Whore, Everclear
Not cool....unless it's role play.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9VKfeSplCU

3. The Policy of Truth, Depeche Mode
When karma is a bitch. 
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=policy+of+truth&FORM=VIRE1#view=detail&mid=4CAF77661995D33D0A1F4CAF77661995D33D0A1F

4. I'm Gonna Find Another You, John Mayer
Haha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EZWzq6kXVc

5. Lit, My Own Worst Enemy
Ooops.
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=lit+videos&FORM=VIRE3#view=detail&mid=EF864F8E84C7EE5300C7EF864F8E84C7EE5300C7

6. Your Woman, White Town
No matter how complicated your love life may be, take comfort in the fact that it can always be worse. You could be in love with someone who can't decide which team he/she plays for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIQWt3oMids

7. R.I.P., Young Jeezy (feat. 2 Chainz)
R.I.P., relationship.  Time to kill the club.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmcZTJUOBUc

8. Love the Way You Lie, Eminem
What happens when a tornado meets a volcano....and Megan Fox is really hot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U

 9. Me So Horny, 2 Live CrewNothing screams romance like this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6VTj7LhCtE


 10. Sweet Nothing, Calvin Harris (feat. Florence Welch)
Sweet nothings....or Jedi Mind Tricks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17ozSeGw-fY

11. Happy Pills, Norah Jones
"Tryin' to make it so that I never see your face again...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9s0DCQJq4I

12. Roses, Outkast
Because she sucked anyway. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWju37TZfo0

13. Free Bird, Lynyrd Skynyrd
You ever wonder if you could actually get away with saying these words to someone?  Or would they more than likely be angry?  "If I stay here with you girl, things just couldn't be the same.  I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot change" hmmmmmm.....probably not.  It's more like "Peace out, ho! Had fun!"
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=free+bird&FORM=HDRSC3#view=detail&mid=800C138D378CD412ADAB800C138D378CD412ADAB

14. Get Lucky, Daft Punk (feat. Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers)
We're up all night to the sun, we're up all night to get some, we're up all for good fun, we're up all night to get lucky.......because we killed the club.
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=get+lucky+daft+punk&qs=VI&form=QBVR&pq=get+luc&sc=8-7&sp=1&sk=#view=detail&mid=47B6221FF0DAA2F7B0AE47B6221FF0DAA2F7B0AE

My Epic Fails

"I'm just a dreamer, but I'm hanging on..." The Dreamer, The Tallest Man on Earth

Let's just say that I'm better when I am focusing on complicated projects rather than the things that should be easy. Like walking. I always find myself in trouble when I am sitting in a lower gear. Mundane things like sitting still and pumping gas are apparently problems for me.  I can't sit still during passive television; only certain things can make me sit like a normal person. Anytime someone says "Pay attention, Brittany" I think "Oh ok, because I hadn't thought of that!" It's not like I mean to space out on the "simple" stuff, it just happens. Smart phones have made it way worse for me. The constant distractions have made my condition sometimes painful. I feel like I'm high sometimes when it gets bad. When I say "condition", I mean that I have ADD or ADHD. I'm not sure which but after watching my son grow up, I'm pretty sure I have the latter. I didn't admit it until a couple of years ago, but I definitely do have it.  I have too much energy, I can't sleep, I fidget, caffeine calms me down and can even put me to sleep, and I can't for the life of me tell you why I do things that I do. The only time I feel ok or normal is if I am doing certain things, like reading and writing and becoming engrossed in something.

I was taken to a doctor when I was in 7th grade and he said "she'll grow out of it" and 20 years later I'm still struggling.....thanks, Doc. 

Here are my Epic Fails

1. Driving off after pumping gas with the pump still in the car. Yeah, they fling out and make a loud noise. Everyone looks at you weird while you put the pump back. 

2. Breaking a lightbulb in my mouth when I was 9 because I was bored and it was there. I made tapping beats on my teeth and it shattered. (I reference this moment a lot on here if you're new to my blog. I walked over the the sink after it shattered and picked out the pieces. I didn't tell anyone until I was around 30.)

3. Wearing my clothes backwards and inside out. This actually happens more than you'd think. 

4. Injuring myself. I can do the Wobble on roller skates for 7 hours, but I can't walk without banging my hips into counters, throwing my arms into objects or the best....walking through the front door at night and tripping over a bucket (that I hadn't moved) and riding it like a moped down to the ground. Both of my inner thighs were bruised for 3 weeks. They were black. Oh! And when I was "burning" my hair off with the curling rod a few weeks ago, Kellie was screaming while I laughed and hurried to get the hair out. Turns out it wasn't my hair melting, but the glove that was on my hand. Still....I was disturbed that I laughed about it and didn't scream. What if it had been my hair??? I said "I have a lot of hair. No one would've noticed." That's just not right. 

I kicked a truck and ripped my toenail off. I thought my toe hat looked sad. 

4. When I get pulled over, I say things like "I was hurrying to get to Dunkin Donuts". Although something about it actually works, whether cops really love donuts orrrrrr I have boobs....so I would say this is actually NOT a FAIL. 

5. Revolting in silence. Sometimes I get so angry about such things like parking tickets, I will throw a temper tantrum by simply ignoring the person and pretending they don't exist. It doesn't really work that well when you're ignoring someone in authority. You just get a late fee. I think this is also called "digging your head in the sand". 

6. Moving my To-Do list items over to the next day, for months. Something about a scribble and a rewrite make it tolerable to me, but let's face it....that's not the same thing as crossing it off.  

7. Hitting a mailbox and knocking your mirror off, getting it fixed and then hitting a trash can a month later, knocking it back off. But in my defense, I was on West Paces Ferry and Atlanta roads are too skinny...plus, the trash can was invading my personal pavement space. Also, my car was too big and I could not tell how wide it was on the road. 

8. Making TWO chicken pot pies from scratch and not cooking the chicken before putting in the pie. They came out raw. But in my defense....isn't that what an oven does?? It cooks. And it was Paula Deen's recipe. Apparently she thought everyone should just assume she meant "cooked chicken". Well no, not those of us who don't live for butter.

9. Bringing your boss a chicken sandwich when he asks for a salad with chicken. Sorry, Andrew. You also never have limes for your club soda....but your deposition documents look damn perfect, right? :) 

10. A severe dislike for precision....or I should say anything that includes math in any way, shape or form. Why can't everything be abstract? Like, I hate hanging pictures. I like to eyeball things.  Unfortunately you're not considered to have spatial awareness if you do this.....the proof? The 12,000 holes in the wall. 

I have a lot on my plate. Stress, too much on my mind, screaming kids and having to be so strong all the time probably have a lot to do with it, and then a lot of it is because I am a daydreamer.  FAIL, Brittany. 

Song referenced above: 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nnxPKY7NSoM&feature=kp