My Epic Fails

"I'm just a dreamer, but I'm hanging on..." The Dreamer, The Tallest Man on Earth

Let's just say that I'm better when I am focusing on complicated projects rather than the things that should be easy. Like walking. I always find myself in trouble when I am sitting in a lower gear. Mundane things like sitting still and pumping gas are apparently problems for me.  I can't sit still during passive television; only certain things can make me sit like a normal person. Anytime someone says "Pay attention, Brittany" I think "Oh ok, because I hadn't thought of that!" It's not like I mean to space out on the "simple" stuff, it just happens. Smart phones have made it way worse for me. The constant distractions have made my condition sometimes painful. I feel like I'm high sometimes when it gets bad. When I say "condition", I mean that I have ADD or ADHD. I'm not sure which but after watching my son grow up, I'm pretty sure I have the latter. I didn't admit it until a couple of years ago, but I definitely do have it.  I have too much energy, I can't sleep, I fidget, caffeine calms me down and can even put me to sleep, and I can't for the life of me tell you why I do things that I do. The only time I feel ok or normal is if I am doing certain things, like reading and writing and becoming engrossed in something.

I was taken to a doctor when I was in 7th grade and he said "she'll grow out of it" and 20 years later I'm still struggling.....thanks, Doc. 

Here are my Epic Fails

1. Driving off after pumping gas with the pump still in the car. Yeah, they fling out and make a loud noise. Everyone looks at you weird while you put the pump back. 

2. Breaking a lightbulb in my mouth when I was 9 because I was bored and it was there. I made tapping beats on my teeth and it shattered. (I reference this moment a lot on here if you're new to my blog. I walked over the the sink after it shattered and picked out the pieces. I didn't tell anyone until I was around 30.)

3. Wearing my clothes backwards and inside out. This actually happens more than you'd think. 

4. Injuring myself. I can do the Wobble on roller skates for 7 hours, but I can't walk without banging my hips into counters, throwing my arms into objects or the best....walking through the front door at night and tripping over a bucket (that I hadn't moved) and riding it like a moped down to the ground. Both of my inner thighs were bruised for 3 weeks. They were black. Oh! And when I was "burning" my hair off with the curling rod a few weeks ago, Kellie was screaming while I laughed and hurried to get the hair out. Turns out it wasn't my hair melting, but the glove that was on my hand. Still....I was disturbed that I laughed about it and didn't scream. What if it had been my hair??? I said "I have a lot of hair. No one would've noticed." That's just not right. 

I kicked a truck and ripped my toenail off. I thought my toe hat looked sad. 

4. When I get pulled over, I say things like "I was hurrying to get to Dunkin Donuts". Although something about it actually works, whether cops really love donuts orrrrrr I have boobs....so I would say this is actually NOT a FAIL. 

5. Revolting in silence. Sometimes I get so angry about such things like parking tickets, I will throw a temper tantrum by simply ignoring the person and pretending they don't exist. It doesn't really work that well when you're ignoring someone in authority. You just get a late fee. I think this is also called "digging your head in the sand". 

6. Moving my To-Do list items over to the next day, for months. Something about a scribble and a rewrite make it tolerable to me, but let's face it....that's not the same thing as crossing it off.  

7. Hitting a mailbox and knocking your mirror off, getting it fixed and then hitting a trash can a month later, knocking it back off. But in my defense, I was on West Paces Ferry and Atlanta roads are too skinny...plus, the trash can was invading my personal pavement space. Also, my car was too big and I could not tell how wide it was on the road. 

8. Making TWO chicken pot pies from scratch and not cooking the chicken before putting in the pie. They came out raw. But in my defense....isn't that what an oven does?? It cooks. And it was Paula Deen's recipe. Apparently she thought everyone should just assume she meant "cooked chicken". Well no, not those of us who don't live for butter.

9. Bringing your boss a chicken sandwich when he asks for a salad with chicken. Sorry, Andrew. You also never have limes for your club soda....but your deposition documents look damn perfect, right? :) 

10. A severe dislike for precision....or I should say anything that includes math in any way, shape or form. Why can't everything be abstract? Like, I hate hanging pictures. I like to eyeball things.  Unfortunately you're not considered to have spatial awareness if you do this.....the proof? The 12,000 holes in the wall. 

I have a lot on my plate. Stress, too much on my mind, screaming kids and having to be so strong all the time probably have a lot to do with it, and then a lot of it is because I am a daydreamer.  FAIL, Brittany. 

Song referenced above: 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nnxPKY7NSoM&feature=kp