Vanity Fair-May

If you love Audrey Hepburn, ok, so if you are a GIRL, make sure you pick up May's Vanity Fair.  I have never heard a girl say "I don't see what's so special about Audrey Hepburn" because ummmm there aren't any girls who say that?  Ok, ok, I don't know about that, but I have never met one.  She was adorable in every way. 

The Handyman in Me....there isn't one

What did I do this past weekend?  I busted my butt.  Friday night I took the kids on a picnic and to the park and we all crashed pretty early.  Saturday morning I got up and we went to the gym.  (Logan went hunting and fishing with his uncle.)  As soon as I got home from the gym, I cleaned the house and did laundry all day.  I worked on projects that I'd been ignoring because I had not felt like tackling them while I was job hunting.  So here's what I have to say.....I am not what you would call "handy", like, at all.  My adorable tool kit is purple and my power drill is pink, and the best thing that I can say about me with a tool in my hand is that it probably matches what I am wearing.  I seem to make things worse when I decide to "fix" something.  I was painting the cabinets at one point and this weekend I finally got around to screwing the doors back on.  I broke the head of the screw off, and it turns out, I was using the wrong screw.  That's probably why, I guess?  I don't have the patience, nor the finger strength because my hands just aren't, I don't know.  They just don't work.....this is my excuse and I am sticking to it.  You see, as far as the handywork goes, my boys watched me....this makes me both happy and scared.  First of all, if my kids can watch me attempt to do something that I suck at instead of calling a man to do it for me (when you know that you'll end up owing something to that person and I am not about to roll like that), well then awesome.  At least I tried.  It makes me scared though too because I really don't know what I am doing and MY BOYS are watching me.  Carson and Dylan were handing me tools and saying "What's this?"  And I was making up names that sounded good, like "twirly thing" and "socket wrench" when I am almost positive I don't know what a socket wrench looks like.  Does it look like an arm and shoulder?  If so, I told them correctly.  Except for the hammer and screw driver, I am pretty lost. 

Yesterday I missed church because I woke up around 2:30 in the morning and couldn't sleep until 5:00.  There was a storm, so I assume that's what woke me.  I have actually been sleeping pretty well lately.  Carson woke up too and climbed into bed with me.  We were both trying to go to sleep for a while and I could tell that he wasn't yet asleep, so I said "What are you thinking about all quiet and in the dark, Carson?"  He said "I was thinking about Spiderman."  Ha ha.  I was thinking about how I want to make a creative headboard out of shutters or doors and move my bed to the other side of the room to make it look different. 

By the time I woke back up, it was too late to go to church and I was groggy.  I folded laundry, had some coffee, ran errands in the rain, and cleaned out my car so I can detail it this week.  Later, I watched a really boring movie with the kiddos.  I mean, I was really bored.  I was analyzing my fingerprints while I pretended to know what was going on.  It was called Arthur and the Invisible something or others.  I can't remember.  It may not be a bad movie; I may have just been brain dead.  I think Snoop Dogg was in it.  It can't be that bad.

I hope that everyone had a good weekend and that you all feel rested and well going into the week.  I am sort of happy it rained because it forced me to stay inside and work.  I really love being outside.

By the way, I mowed the grass last week.  UMMMMMM shall I say NOOOO!  Never DO THAT AGAIN???  That was a nightmare.  I don't even want to talk about it, except to say that I was whipped around the yard like a rag doll!  It was pulling me around and every time I tried to turn with it, I was practically airborn!  I never want to cut the grass again.  That sucked.  And I couldn't breathe afterward.  I must be allergic to whatever was in the backyard.

Have a great day!

Kombucha

Since I wrote about healthy food yesterday, I am keeping up the theme.  The picture above is Kombucha.  I have only been brave enough to drink the Cosmic Cranberry because some of them look really weird and gross, and I am telling you, it is so good.  Basically, it's like Organic Gatorade.  Well, that's how I like to think of it. It isn't really like Gatorade at all, but I drink it after hot yoga as if it is.  You are NOT supposed to shake it up.  I repeat.....IF YOU TRY IT, DO NOT SHAKE IT UP!  There's a bacterial process going on and I don't know....all I know is that you aren't supposed to shake it. 

So what is it?  I was going to explain it myself, but here is a great little article about it and I would rather not reinvent the wheel.  Just go out and try Kombucha.

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/36571884/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/t/trendy-fizzy-drink-mushrooming/

Food Rules

I am SO excited.  There's a Whole Foods down the street from my work.  I LOVE Whole Foods.  I wish I had one by my house, but this makes me just as happy.

I can't remember if I have written about the book "Food Rules", but I feel like I have in the past.  You should really consider reading this book if you are curious about what you should or should not be eating.  There's so much confusion about what makes a healthy diet, but when you read this book, you realize that it really isn't confusing.  It's common sense.  Once you get the basics down, you can fine tune your diet and start looking at the more "complicated" issues. 

Side note....I had Zaxby's two days ago because I hadn't eaten all day and I was being impulsive.  I was sick within thirty minutes of eating it.  I felt like I was going to throw up and I stayed nauseated for over 24 hours.  It's just not worth it for me to eat crap.  The only fast food that doesn't seem to make me sick is Chick-fil-a and even then, I feel like I am retaining 20 pounds of water for two or three days after I eat it.  I prefer a clean diet. 

Here's the basic rule that I always remember when it comes to eating and if anyone asks me anything about food, this is what I say: Food is supposed to rot.  You aren't supposed to peel it from a wrapper, and the closer it looks to its original form, the better.  If there are a bunch of ingredients you can't pronounce on the back, choose something else.  This is the easiest thing to remember all day, then you can fine tune after that and it isn't overwhelming.  Another tip, first shop on the outside of the lanes of grocery stores and only go down the middle aisles for extra ingredients that you need for your fresh foods.

I made muffins from scratch for the kids a couple of years ago.  I used the freshest ingredients I could and hid veggies in them.  (The recipe was from Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook).  I should have frozen these muffins because they were rotten within two days.  Normally what happens if you leave baked goods out?  Nothing.  They may get stale in like a week?  Not good.  Freeze fresh food....so much better. 

I had a really good breakfast yesterday because I wasn't very hungry.  I had about a cup and a half of plain Greek yogurt, honey, a tiny bit of granola, and a few almonds and cranberries.  I would normally need something else to eat, but like I said, I was still sick from the Zaxby's and not very hungry. 

Get this book....awesome.  It's short and sweet. 


http://michaelpollan.com/books/food-rules/

Flashback Friday-Things I'll Never Say

Ashli and Lauren, this one is for you....remember that summer when we played this on repeat?  I miss you guys.  I highlighted the lyrics for you.  Remember?  Haha, sneaky Avril. She was like 15, it's ok. 


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPl5kL_Uha0


"Things I'll Never Say"

I’m tugging at my hair
I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I’m staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head

I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it
Yeah

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... awayBe with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If it ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care

What’s wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I’ve got nothing to say

Guess I’m wishing my life away with these things I’ll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...awayBe with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
These things I’ll never say

If Children Live With.....

First of all, Happy Birthday to my sweet little niece, Amelie!  She turns five today!  Auntie Brinty loves her Amie.  :)  Hug her and kiss her for me, Ash and Matt!  I wish I could be there today.

Any time there's violence in the world, like the recent attack in Boston, I begin thinking "What are we doing wrong?"  Then I realize that it's been like this since the beginning of time.  There is evil in the world and that's just the way it is. 

I saw a picture on Facebook yesterday that I don't even want to post because it's so annoying, but I will still mention it because it bothered me.  It was a group of Syrian teens holding a sign that said something like "Your attack in Boston is what happens every day in Syria, do not accept our condolences."  At first I was angry because it was rude and evil.  I thought Ok, you little punks, I already thought about all of you around the world and how horrible it is that these things happen to you every day, so don't assume that we don't care.  And I did truly think that, but I was angry with these kids when I saw this.  Then I realized, all politics aside, all Syrian-US crap aside, these are kids and they are angry and want to point a finger.  They don't care who's to blame, they are just pissed that it's happened to them and seeing it happen somewhere else is strangely comforting.  It doesn't make it right, but still, I think that's why they held this sign.  These angry kids will become angry adults, which leads them to violence.  This is how an extremist is bred.  Imagine the things that these children have seen.  It's so sad.  These kids could be good people, but no one is there to teach them about peace because they live in all of this bullcrap.
If only we all knew this and followed it:

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Real Beauty Sketches

I haven't been doing a Top 10 on Wednesdays because I keep forgetting.  I'll do it next week.

This little video made me sad because it's so true.  I think that most girls pick at themselves in one way or another.  It's so sad. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

Remind Me To Write In The Morning.....

Today was my second day of training and for the most part, I feel good about everything I'm learning.  My brain is tired from retaining so much information, but I am really excited about it and I know I am going to like it.  I am really interested in the cases and the legal process.  After work I went to the gym for leg day, got shaky because I had gone too long without eating, so I hurried up and ate dinner, picked the kids up, and now we are home.  Lindsey had cheerleading clinic after school and then immediately went to dance; I pick her up at 9:00. The boys are watching "Toy Story" while I write. They are exhausted and pretty cranky, so they're happy just chillin' on the couch.

Sorry this is boring, but my brain is apparently boring and dull right now. I will tell you this though...I love the sunshine.  I love the sun, I love the warmth, I love everything blossoming....it makes me a really happy girl. 

Speaking of sunshine......whoaaaa let it shine. 

http://vimeo.com/45581243

Weekend Wrap-Up

I am training on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday of this week, which means I have a day to hang out with the kids.  I had a very active weekend and was outside most of the time...it was awesome. :)  I thought I would be sorer, but I'm not any more than if I had lifted weights.  I climbed Kennesaw Mountain with a couple of girlfriends on Saturday morning and yesterday we went rock climbing.  I have pictures of us upside down on the boulders (it was a fake cave) and you are not harnessed.  You have all of your body weight pulling you down, so it's very difficult to climb.  I didn't trust my one arm to hang on when I moved my other, and I shouldn't have because it wasn't strong enough.  I fell.  I am really not afraid of heights at all, which surprises me. I climbed a wall without being harnessed, granted it wasn't very high, but still.  And on the really high ones I was harnessed, but I made it a point to look down and see if I got scared or dizzy...not one bit.  I love it.  I feel like a Spider Monkey.  I was starving the entire weekend because all I did was move. We all had a good time together. 

Last night before I got the kids back, I went hiking with my neighbor, Tammy, on these trails in my neighborhood.  I have heard about them, but I've never walked them because I liked to push the boys in their stroller on a smooth surface (when I used to take walks).  Anyway, these trails are gorgeous!  At the end of the trail, there's a really nice playground!  So the boys and I are leaving in a minute to go on our Adventure. 

I was telling Tammy that I would never go alone on these trails because there could be a psycho back there waiting to kill you.  And then I thought about it.  I said to Tammy "Can you imagine how boring it would be to hide in the woods for that long?  Just waiting on someone to come so you can kill them?"  Tammy said "Yeah, killers clearly don't have ADD!"  Ok, it's a morbid thought, I admit, but seriously.  How boring would it be to lurk or stalk someone?  Ain't nobody got time for that!

Have a great Monday!  And please say a prayer for Lindsey; she has cheerleading tryouts this week.  7^th grade is the most competitive because the girls all saw last year that it was the cool thing to do, so now they are all trying out.  She’s cheered for I don’t know, five years I guess?  Still.  You never know…you can have a bad tryout.  Cheerleading season is insane for us because she still dances.  OMG.  THIS GIRL KILLS ME!  ALL of us.  She’d better appreciate it one day!  She has no idea how much money and time has gone into her.  She's amazing, and I love doing it, but when she's mean to me it really makes me mad.

Flashback Friday-The Weepies

I totally forgot about The Weepies...I downloaded some of my old iTunes and was like "OMG!  Score!" They're sad, but really sweet.


World Spins Madly On-My MOST favoritest.  ;) If you only listen to one, listen to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApInErMBGbA

Gotta Have You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozIBG_dQYJA

Keep It There

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-NGpevyXrg


Have a great weekend. 

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

By now I have probably let you all know that I got a job as a legal assistant at a law firm, but just in case, I want to mention it.  YAY!  Thank you to all of my family and friends who have been praying for me and keeping me positive.  Mostly, thank you to God.  I hit a low point earlier this week and got really scared.  I prayed and begged like I never have before and that day I got an email asking me to come in for an interview.  I learned something about God....he'll never forsake you.


When I left Henry's, I really took some time to consider what I am interested in and where I can best use my skills while making decent money.  I looked at the market and where there's room to grow, and there is a need for paralegals.  Plus, I loved law in undergrad and had it been the right time in my life, or if I wouldn't have had children and been married, I probably would have chosen to go to law school...I liked it that much.  So anyway, when I was job hunting, I looked at everything in my field (writing, public relations, etc), but my main objective was to find a law firm.  I found one by chance and I really like the firm and the attorneys.  So long story short, I begin training tomorrow morning!  I feel a weight off my shoulders and I am so excited to do something new and show them what I can do.  My first class at Kennesaw, if I start school as soon as possible, starts the first week in June.  I kinda want to learn everything I need to know, and I think a combination of school and being in the right environment is a good way to learn.  Plus, those of you who know me know that I am a TOTAL NERD and love school.  If I could get paid to go to school the rest of my life, I so would.  I love studying. 

My family and friends are the best....thanks, guys. I love you.

By the way, I saw this quote the other day and it said "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  Apparently God thinks I'm a total bad-ass."  I laughed.....and thought about how I have two sets of twins....just sayin'. 


-Britt

What Do Guys Do When They Go Camping? Really. What?

My junior year, my friend, Angela, and I were really curious about what guys did when they were all together.  We decided to spy on them one night. This house was huge, and I mean huge.  There was a guest house that was big enough to house a small family and tennis courts along the side of the pool.  We pulled down the road that led to the house and hid the car.  We ran to the side of the guest house and I climbed up on a lawn chair, which Angela held the bottom of to make sure I didn't fall.  I was looking into the window, which was very high on the building, and saw the huge group of guys watching sports and not really doing much else.  Then the chair buckled and I fell down, making a huge noise.  We looked at each other and panicked because they heard us.  They ran outside to see what the noise was and we scurried to hide.  We were crawling on our hands and knees along the brick wall by the tennis courts when they jumped out and scared us.  Long story short, this started a war.  They all TP'd my house, then Angela's house, and when my friends and I tried to retaliate, we realized that we couldn't even get the toilet paper into a tree...well, except for one strand.  We lost that war.

So back up a year to when I was a sophomore.  My friends and I were making a movie for TV class at a cabin.  We had so much fun, but there was this kid who was really nerdy and had a crush on me and a couple of the other girls.  He got a hard-on while we were all in the water swimming and all of the other guys were making fun of him and being mean.  I felt sorry for him, actually, all of the girls did.  We told them to stop making fun of him, regardless of his hard-on...oh, but they didn't stop.  One night, the girls were all together in our cabin—we had JUST been talking about this poor kid and I said "I'll bet they're being really terrible and shaving his legs."  All of a sudden, and I mean right then, we get a knock on the door.  We open it up and two guys were standing there and one said "Do you have any Nair???"  We yelled at them once again and told them to leave him alone.  So the next morning, the kid's eyebrows were shaved like Vanilla Ice, he had wet the bed because they stuck his hand in warm water (or however you do that, I don't even know), and they had shaved his legs.  I felt SOOOO sorry for him.  All of the girls were so angry.  I mean, right????  HOW TERRIBLE!  And this is pre-Columbine, so I cut them SOME slack, but really???  So mean.  How humiliating.

So I guess between that and the drunk pictures I have seen over the years of guys snuggling with bananas, being completely wrapped in Saran Wrap, having blue icing smeared all over their ears and face—you know, those kinds of pictures, I have been a little curious about what grown men do when they're all together……

Which brings me to why I am writing about this. 

There is a group of guys around here going on a camping trip for a few days.  I'm talking around 25 grown men.  I am friends with one of the guys and I had a little conversation by text last night....ok, I was being nosey. Here's the conversation.  Girls, please...don't you imagine something similar? (By the way, I told him I was writing this.  He said "ok” and "You’re retarded.”)

Me: Are you going on this camping trip?
Guy: Yeah. 
Me: I wish I could be a fly on a wall.
Guy: Why?  It's just a bunch of drunks acting like idiots.
Me: Well what do you guys do?  I'm curious.
Guy: I just told you.  Drunk people f****** with each other.  That's it.
Me: But how do you f*** with each other?
Me: Do you make S'mores?
Guy: Idk.  Just talk sh** and make fun of people.  It's really nothing.  It's just guys getting stupid drunk.  We usually have the stuff to make them.
Me:I wish I could see it.  I'm curious.
Me: Do you guys pee on each other and leave bugs and animals on each other?  Do you guys get your own tents?
Guy: Whatever u have in your mind, it's not it.
Me: Do u guys talk about girls?
Guy: Most everyone there has their own tent.  Why the f*** would we pee on each other?  No.  We don't talk about girls.  I've told you everything that happens.  There is a corn hole tournament.
Me: Corn hole tournament? Dorks. Really?  No juicy gossip?  No seeing whose pee can go further?  Ya'll are boring!
Guy: You're retarded.
Me: I figured you shaved each other or made each other pee the bed or put spiders in each other's sleeping bags or something.  Or talk about girls or sex.  Nothing juicy about corn hole. 
Guy: About 80% of the guys are married and go camping to get away from talking and girls.  They just want to get drunk, eat, and have fun. 
Me: Lol.  Get away from talking and girls.  Haha
Guy: It's the truth.  We mostly just nod and grunt at each other. 

I'm sure they go to escape conversations much like the one that he just had with me.  Ha ha.

So when I told him that I wanted to write about this, he said it was fine, but then I dug deeper and found out that last year one of the guys got drunk, passed out, and everyone decorated him with paper plates and took pictures.

I mean, HELLO!  Duh!!  THAT is what I was envisioning in the first place!  (Ok, and peeing on each other.)

To be a fly on a wall.......

Speaking of the Universe....

My heart goes out to everyone in Boston.  I am so sad about the world today.  I am working on a blog that is sure to make a lot of people angry, but I think there are some things that need to be said.  There are some debates that I want to look at...guns, violence, the media, the US being nosey....I am working on it.  Sad day yesterday.   My prayers go out...

I have gotten a lot of feedback from Saturday's blog, Just Like Heaven.  In fact, never have I ever written a blog and gotten as much feedback as this one.  The strange thing is that I almost didn't post it.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to be so transparent in my feelings and was hesitant that I would appear to be crazy.  BUT, it hit a nerve with my girlfriends and made them all literally cry and even a few of my guy friends said they felt a tug at their emotions.  In the last few days, I have been told that I need to write seriously for a living (I wish) and that this is my gift from God.  I have been told that Just Like Heaven made them not feel so alone in the world.  And this is why I write; so we won't be.  I write because it's a release and it's like oxygen for me, but it's even more rewarding when it touches someone.  If I can communicate something with someone and it has an impact on them, then I have done my job, even if it isn't my day job.  Even if I am not getting paid for this blog, it makes me feel so happy that I am doing it.  I'm not doing anything special like curing cancer, and there are a lot of writers out there, so I am not really unique, but I do feel peace when someone tells me that my words touched them.  It's equally, if not more rewarding for me, because I realize that I am not alone either if someone identifies with what I am saying. 

It was also really interesting to see how people interpreted what I was saying.  Some people thought of people who have died, some people thought about their ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends...either way, it resonated.

I have been hammering away at the job boards, which is exhausting and I don't even want to go into why this is so frustrating...but I will.  If you have ever looked for a job ONLINE and know how many different times you have to log in, set up accounts, alter your resume to enhance one skill specifically, and then have a cover letter for each kind of position...you know.  There's something inhumane about this process.  It takes forever and makes you feel like the World's Biggest Loser.  Let's see, shall we?  I have two sets of twins because I have over-active-ovaries (which I am thankful for, don't get the wrong idea) and if I so much as get sneezed on too closely, I wind up pregnant.  So anyway, I got sneezed on, enter Logan and Lindsey.  I scratched and clawed my way through school with one set of twins, made almost straight A's and followed my heart, leading me into a degree that made me happy, but maybe forever poor.  Then I got sneezed on again, had another set of twins, and stayed home with them because I felt that's what GOD wanted me to do.  I know that's what I was supposed to do.  Have you MET my boys?  They are pieces of Heaven.  But now I have a gap in my unemployment history that should be acceptable, but since I am a just piece of paper and not a human being, it is not.  My skills aren't looked at as valuable in this society where the science and math people are, and...you know what?  No.  I am stopping because I am done whining about it.  It does no good. 

Anyway, these thoughts led me into a moment of panic and frustration and tears, so I emailed a friend and she prayed with me.  She wrote a beautiful prayer and it made me stop and breathe.  I went outside, swung on my porch swing that's covered in pollen and looked at the weeds that have overtaken my backyard (because I don't even know how to START the mower in the garage) and felt a nudge.  I don't know where it came from. 

I picked up my phone without really thinking; I was just reacting to this random thought.  I opened up a text to send to my friend whom I haven't talked to in a long time.  I said "I want you to read something, take this with you, young one...." and I typed in the link.  Now understand, I never send specific links to my blog.  I maybe have once or twice, but really, I rarely do that.  I barely post my blog on Facebook and I certainly don't believe that people want to be harassed to read it.  I appreciate every single person who does read it and I love them and leave it at that.  However, in this moment, I felt a reason to send Just Like Heaven to a friend of mine and I have no clue as to why.....this friend wrote back and said "Wow.  I am sitting in the vet's office waiting to put my dog down and you send that to me."

I went back inside, emailed my friend who I had just been praying with (the friend who also said my destiny is to write) and I told her what had just happened.  She said "Wow.  It's a sign." 

Whether it is a sign or not, I really couldn't believe that I had fired out this signal and it was delivered the way it was delivered.  Remember what I said?  It's tangible and it gets delivered, so send it out.  You never know what happens when you do something with that energy. 

Just weird. 

Blurry, Puddle of Mudd

Ash and Me.
This was my Universal Drunk Face. 
I think it still might be.  I think that this
was taken on my 23rd birthday. I look like I
have Tootsie Rolls in my cheeks. 
What's with the squirrel cheeks?

My sister, Ashli, and I were talking about this song the other day and how weird it is that it actually takes us back to a time when we were so sad.  She heard it a couple of days ago and felt sadness.  It's been a long time!  We were both going through breakups when this song came out and we used to sit on the porch and cry.  Well, she cried.  I was happy about my breakup.  Not happy about it, but actually ecstatic.  Although, I was still broken and kind of spiraling out of control for a minute because my life was different and that just seems to be what happens after a breakup.  I didn't miss him though, that's for sure.  I cried for different reasons. 

Summer 2003

I had never stepped into a bar at 22 and Ash and I definitely had a good summer together, even if sprung from pain and the end of relationships.  We had fun partying at night, but in the day, I used to sit with her while she cried.   

This really is such a sad song.

"Blurry"

http://www.vevo.com/watch/puddle-of-mudd/blurry/USIV20110056#/watch/puddle-of-mudd/blurry/USIV20110056

Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Preoccupied without you I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing? Imagine where you are?
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl
And you could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what your doing? I wonder where you are?
There's oceans in between us But that's not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
This pain you gave to me

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you when to run away
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to run away

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
This pain you gave to me
No this pain you gave to me
This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away
Explain again to me
You take it all away
Explain again to me
Take it all away
Explain again Explain again Explain again

Dylan's Cross

Dylan is my baby.  He may only be one minute younger than Carson, but he fills the "baby of the family" role perfectly.  You see, Dylan has the sweetest, gentlest heart and spirit I have ever encountered.  Carson is sweet, but he came out smaller and starving in comparison to his brother.  He was choosy about who held him, and this made him a little spunkier I like to say.  Carson only wanted me for a long time because the sound of my voice soothed him.  They brought him to me and his eyes were wide open, staring at me. Usually babies squint their eyes because it's shockingly bright....not Carson.  Carson was alert.  Carson had surgery three times on his leg, so he’s tough and doesn’t complain about pain. Carson can be feisty, he is so smart, and he is by far the sassiest one of the two.  You have to earn Carson's attention and affection.  Dylan on the other hand is Chillin’ Dylan and loves everyone.  He is very intelligent without asking you to notice, he has become a clown, a comedian, yet he is super easy going and chill.  Dylan is hilarious and even his laugh is so adorable that you can't help but perk up when you're down.  He doesn’t have to have all of the attention and he doesn’t usually fight for the spotlight.  He lets Carson act crazy by sitting quietly; he waits his turn to freak out about something.  Like I said, he has the most gentle and sweet heart and spirit.  I could go on and on and tell everyone the amazing things that he has already done by the age of 4, but I choose to show you with a picture.

If you remember from last year, Dylan is Bo's owner.  Bo is the bear that he became attached to at age 1.  Bo became a part of the family.  He then adopted Joe, also a bear.  Bo and Joe are friends, but Bo is definitely the most special.  And then Dylan found Baby Panna, his panda that he chose on his 3rd birthday at the zoo.  These are the three things that Dylan loves the most; along with a couple of cars he calls "Finn McMissle" and "Blue car".  One thing is for certain...that there is always something in Dylan's hand; he never walks this earth alone.  I think he loves others too much to be alone, including his stuffed friends and toys.

Below is a picture of the latest thing he's attached himself to.  It is a porcelain cross with Baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph.  My mom sent it to him for Christmas and he loved it.  He called it his "present" at first and now he calls it his cross.  He can tell you who the baby is and says "Jesus loves Dylan and everybody." 

When he first got this cross, he shook the box and broke it into about 8 pieces before he even opened it.  He was so sad.  Grammy glued it back together and now he carries it everywhere.  It made me nervous for a while, giving my child a piece of glass to carry around, but I figure God is protecting him.  Also, Dylan knows not to drop it because he already had to have it fixed. 

Is this not the sweetest thing?  Mom, if you’re reading, he knows everything everyone gets him and he can tell you that this cross his from Nonna. 

Add caption

Just Like Heaven

I have a theory about something and I want to share it.  I know that it could sound crazy, but I swear there's something to it. 

I have often wondered why you cry when you are upset.  How does your body react physically in such a strong way?  Some people don't cry, but it doesn't mean that they don't feel.  Is this why some peoples' feelings come out in other ways, maybe even self-destructively?  Some people can't contain their emotions and it results in tears.  The scientific explanation as to why you cry is that your body physically becomes overwhelmed and it releases the emotions, quite tangibly, with tears.

The reason that I believe emotions come out in tangible ways, such as tears, is because I believe that emotions are tangible to begin with.  I could focus on all emotions here and swear that you can see hate and jealousy and any other emotion, because you can, but I am just going to focus on the best emotion known to man, the most important thing on the planet, and that is LOVE.  Love is just like Heaven. 

Love is most definitely a tangible thing.  You can see love; you can feel it and you can watch it grow, much like anything else alive.  Love can die just as it has a birth and when it's gone, it's hard to revive just like a person or a plant.  When love ends, you can see its reincarnation when you begin to love another—we have the ability to love again if we’ll allow ourselves.  You can see love in the way someone looks at you and feel it on your face when you look at them. You can see love in physical ways like affection, a card from your mother, or a moment with your child when you think you might die because your heart could explode.  If you love something intensely, you can physically feel it swelling in your body and the words "I love you" burst from your lips.  Not only do you say the words, but you react physically with hugs, kisses, and other displays.  Love is most definitely a tangible thing.

If love is a tangible thing and your body is the temple that houses it, what happens to that love that can't come out or that is in some way rejected and sent back to you?  Well I can tell you personally that it starts to swell within you and you cry.  You may miss someone or you may love them so much that you feel like you'll explode if you can't get rid of it. You can't move on, because it's sitting there like stagnant water.  You can't give it away to someone else or sell it like an old bicycle; this doesn't work because it's too valuable to you.  But you have to get rid of it to live your life.  So how?  I have found a way and you should try it. 

When I feel like I love or miss someone that isn't there, I take that tangible love and energy and send it out into the Universe to be delivered in whatever way it chooses.  I say a prayer for the person, whether it's hoping that the person has a good day or feels love pour over them.  Even if they have no idea where it's coming from, I just let it out and hope that it gets there.  I feel a release and feel somewhat in control of the energy in my body, and it really does help.  Plus, what if it gets delivered?  What if you say a prayer every moment that you are feeling sad about them and they are overcome with happiness, and of course, they don't know why they feel happy, but does that matter?  No.  What if you say a prayer for that person to have a good day and something really great happens to them?  Awesome.  It's a win-win scenario.  It doesn't matter whether or not they know it's from your prayer, because what you want for someone you love is to be happy even if you aren't there.  That's how love works.  It’s selfless.
  
I just finished a book called "Carry on Warrior, Thoughts on Life Unarmed" and the author, Glennon Doyle Melton, talks about the time when she explained Heaven to her little boy.  His fish died and he was upset.  She told him that she thinks Heaven is the place where we love each other perfectly.  On Earth, we are not capable of this, but we should try anyway.  The little boy says "Why does God put people and animals in our lives if he knows we're just going to lose them eventually?"  She responds, "We don't love people and animals because we will have them forever; we love them because loving them changes us, makes us better, healthier, kinder, realer.  Loving people and animals makes us stronger in the right ways and weaker in the right ways.  Even if people and animals leave, even if they die, they leave us better.  So we keep loving, even though we might lose, because loving them teaches us and changes us."  Well said.

I have taken yoga for a while and I really and truly believe that we are all balls of energy that God created.  Some of us are negative energy and some of us are positive energy; sometimes we have been both.  Some people make us feel drained, some people make us feel euphoric—there has to be something to that.  Namaste means "the divine spirit within me sees the divine spirit within you."  It means that you bow and respect the soul in front of you, and they do the same toward yours.  You are seeing someone's spirit and energy more than the physical body that is in front of you when you say "Namaste".  How beautiful is that?  Have you ever really been seen?  It’s a good feeling.  Have you ever been loved or loved yourself?  There’s nothing like loving another soul…the kind of love that is completely independent of any outside factors, like their physical body.

That saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved" is annoying, but true.  It makes us better, and love sent out into the Universe is a tangible thing that we all want a piece of.  So let's set it free for each other. 

You know this had to be on here.....I didn't plan it this way, it just worked out....like magic.  The Cure, ahhhh.  Love. 


http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1yfvj_cure-just-like-heaven_music

Flashback Friday-Gerg

This Flashback Friday is about my awesome, amazing, wonderful stepdad whom I love very much. 

Gerg and the Girls...Ash is a hottie in this picture.  By the way,
when I say that I am the tallest girl in my family of pixies, this is what I mean.
I really and truly am a giant in comparison.  And I am 5'3.

Before I get started, I call Greg "Gerg".  He calls me "Bert" as retaliation.  We like it this way.  I call him GERG because one time, many years ago, he made the mistake of telling me a story.  He was working at a gas station as a teenager and they printed his shirt wrong and he didn't say anything about the mishap.  He rocked it.  It said "GERG" instead of GREG, and he is still rockin' the name every time I say it.  Big mistake to ever tell me anything like that; I will never forget. 

When my brother, my sister and I were little, we used to set up lemonade and art stands outside of our house.  We lived on the Eastside of Milwaukee on Prospect near Downer avenue, where we would walk to Lixx for ice-cream (actually I think it was custard or frozen yogurt) and to what we called "the candy store", which was not a candy store but an old-fashioned pharmacy that sold candy.  My mom never let us have sugar, so we used to earn our own money and haul ass to get some sugar when she wasn't home.  hehe. 

Gerg lived a couple of blocks away for years while we were growing up....of course we never knew that.  One day, he strolled down Prospect and saw these cute little entrepreneurs selling artwork.  They had a clothesline with pictures clipped to it, an easel, a little Fisher Price cash register, the whole shebang.  He bought one of these pictures.  I think it was Ashli's picture and I don't blame him for not buying mine.  Ash and Ty were the artists.  He had the picture hanging on his fridge for years. 

A few years later when I was 13, I went to my mom's friend's annual New Year's Eve party where I hung out by myself on the 4th floor and watched Dick Clark and the ball drop.  (Only the ball dropped, not Dick Clark.  Horrible sentence.)  Greg doesn't drink and he didn't back then either, so when everyone was popping open champagne, he decided to wander up and hang out with the one child at the party.  I remember a nice man coming up to talk to me, but I never knew it was him.  I remember thinking he was pretty cool. 

So fast forward a few years…..Gerg and my mom were introduced to each other by their NYE party friend.  It was then that we started to put the pieces together.  We realized that he had actually met all of us at different stages of our lives, and now he was the man who was making my mom the happiest she had ever been. 

Gerg is the best.  He is smart, witty, and he's one of the most interesting people on the planet.  He has a book collection the size of Rwanda that I will inherit one day because I am the only one who reads like he does.  Back off, Ash and Ty!  Don’t get any ideas!  They're mine!  And some of my favorite times have been laughing hysterically with him.  We are in our own little world sometimes and it's a fun place to be. 

Meyers Briggs Personality Test

Before I get started, today marks a year for an important day.  Last year, my sister, Ashli, had a very scary moment and decided to change her life by never taking another drink of alcohol.  I asked her if I could post this and she said yes.  She has seen so many changes and has searched for herself and God this year and it's been a miracle to watch her transform.

Ash, I am so proud of you.  I love you more than you will ever fully realize and when I think about you, I am filled with so much happiness that you are living the life you were meant to live.  You have come a long way and you are such an amazing mother and sister and friend.  I know that there have been times when I have screamed in your face and told you to get your head out of your ass.....every single bit of it is because I wanted you to see the person who you see in the mirror now.  She's such a beautiful person.  I love you so much, til death.  Congratulations and I love you. 

Ok....so on with the rest.....

I know that I should be concerned by the things going on in the world like our national deficit and North Korea trying to nuke us, but I am just not concerned.  I am not going to be the one to fix the economy nor do I worry about where my children and I are going if the crazy man with a little man complex blows us to smithereens, so what's the point?  I don't mean that I don't care, and I don't mean to sound narcissistic, but it isn't my job to worry about these things.  I would rather touch those around me and make a difference than to sit and worry about crap that I can't control. The world is messed up and it will continue to be messed up.  The best thing that I can do is be a ray of sunshine to the ones around me and pray that I make use of my life.  Now I am not saying I have been a ray of sunshine, in fact, I have been a drain on natural resources because I have had a hard time lately....but I am trying to get back to a whole person.  Or maybe become a whole person for the first time ever.

I have been reading, I have been praying, and I feel really happy right now in this moment.  The weather is a factor because when I go outside and feel the fresh (but pollinated) air and see the sunshine, I immediately feel good and smile.  I have also been mysteriously sleeping.  I have been researching Vitamin D deficiencies and apparently, lacking in Vitamin D can cause insomnia and sleep apnea.  Considering that I wake in the middle of the night gasping for air, there's a chance that I have sleep apnea.  People have shaken me while I am sleeping because "I'm not breathing."  I have been sleeping 6-8 hours since last Friday and I feel amazing.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately, as dumb as that sounds, and I am realizing where I need to make changes so I can be better for everyone else and for myself.  I need to take this time in my life to be alone with my kids, figure out what I want, and learn to fight for it and say goodbye to things that aren't good for me.  I am realizing random things.  Like for example, for someone with such a big mouth, I don't always speak up and say what I want or need.  I know that this is probably shocking, but it's true.  I fear being demanding or making someone unhappy, so I deal with what I am given.   I like making people happy and I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone.  If waiting until I blow up can keep me from having to confront someone, I would prefer it that way.  But is that right?  No.  There's a lot that I hide when it comes to my feelings yet I have always considered myself to be so open.  Also, I realize that there are a lot of things that have happened throughout my life that I thought I understood when I really didn't.  In order to protect myself and not make the same mistakes as people who came before me (sorry, Mom and Dad), I think I made decisions that I had no right to make for myself.  In order to avoid certain things, I kept my mouth shut and this has made me feel like a bomb that's just exploded in a million different directions.  Now I am trying to figure out what I have been running from my whole life.

One of my friends messaged me a couple of weeks ago, and I have to preface this by saying that this is one of the sweetest souls I have ever encountered.  We were talking and he said he felt like I have a dilemma in front of me.  He said that because I am so outgoing, I am exposed to a lot of bad people, but I make decisions on how I feel about someone and the good that I see in them, and if people are not good, then I am a goner because I care about the person.  He told me to take a personality test.  It's called Meyers Briggs and guess what....he was almost exactly right.   

Take this test.  The link is at the bottom of the page.  It will tell you a lot about yourself.  And since this is my blog, I am posting my results below.  So....I found out that I make decisions based on how I feel.  Great.  I always thought I was more logical than that.  I guess I FELT that I was more logical.  haha.  I am not suggesting that anyone would want to read it, but here it is, in case you're curious. 



Extravert(89%) DAMN!!!
Sensing(12%)
Feeling(50%) DAMN AGAIN!
Judging(11%)
•You have strong preference of Extraversion over Introversion (89%)
•You have slight preference of Sensing over Intuition (12%)
•You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (50%)
•You have slight preference of Judging over Perceiving (11%)

I would say that my judgment and sensing skills are a tad underdeveloped, wouldn't you say???

The Caregiver

As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others. People like to be around ESFJs, because the ESFJ has a special gift of invariably making people feel good about themselves.
The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability, and have a strong focus on the details of life. They see before others do what needs to be done, and do whatever it takes to make sure that it gets done. They enjoy these types of tasks, and are extremely good at them.
ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. ESFJs are such caring individuals, that they sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about.
With Extraverted Feeling dominating their personality, ESFJs are focused on reading other people. They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment.
The ESFJ's value system is defined externally. They usually have very well-formed ideas about the way things should be, and are not shy about expressing these opinions. However, they weigh their values and morals against the world around them, rather than against an internal value system. They may have a strong moral code, but it is defined by the community that they live in, rather than by any strongly felt internal values.
ESFJs who have had the benefit of being raised and surrounded by a strong value system that is ethical and centered around genuine goodness will most likely be the kindest, most generous souls who will gladly give you the shirt off of their back without a second thought. For these individuals, the selfless quality of their personality type is genuine and pure. ESFJs who have not had the advantage of developing their own values by weighing them against a good external value system may develop very questionable values. In such cases, the ESFJ most often genuinely believes in the integrity of their skewed value system. They have no internal understanding of values to set them straight. In weighing their values against our society, they find plenty of support for whatever moral transgression they wish to justify. This type of ESFJ is a dangerous person indeed. Extraverted Feeling drives them to control and manipulate, and their lack of Intuition prevents them from seeing the big picture. They're usually quite popular and good with people, and good at manipulating them. Unlike their ENFJ cousin, they don't have Intuition to help them understand the real consequences of their actions. They are driven to manipulate other to achieve their own ends, yet they believe that they are following a solid moral code of conduct.
All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments. They're not likely to enjoy having to do things which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They do enjoy creating order and structure, and are very good at tasks which require these kinds of skills. ESFJs should be careful about controlling people in their lives who do not wish to be controlled.
ESFJs respect and believe in the laws and rules of authority, and believe that others should do so as well. They're traditional, and prefer to do things in the established way, rather than venturing into unchartered territory. Their need for security drives their ready acceptance and adherence to the policies of the established system. This tendency may cause them to sometimes blindly accept rules without questioning or understanding them.
An ESFJ who has developed in a less than ideal way may be prone to being quite insecure, and focus all of their attention on pleasing others. He or she might also be very controlling, or overly sensitive, imagining bad intentions when there weren't any.
ESFJs incorporate many of the traits that are associated with women in our society. However, male ESFJs will usually not appear feminine at all. On the contrary, ESFJs are typically quite conscious about gender roles and will be most comfortable playing a role that suits their gender in our society. Male ESFJs will be quite masculine (albeit sensitive when you get to know them), and female ESFJs will be very feminine.
ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

What Girls Do

Men, have you ever noticed that women are all about planning?  Sometimes we enjoy planning even more than what we're planning....this, not so good, but that's besides the point.  Even the girls who "aren't planners" are really planners.  Some of us take a natural approach to planning because life requires us to do so, and then some of us take a somewhat unnatural, even OCD approach to planning how everything should go.  It makes us feel safe, it makes us feel we're in control in a world full of chaos, and let's face it, since you guys tend to be the kind of species who wakes up and says "Hey, I have no boxers, guess I'm going commando today", I have to believe that we are fundamentally different.  I have never woken up and said "Damn.  No underwear." First of all, because I like to shop for underwear because they're cute, and secondly, I don't let my laundry pile up so high that I could bungee jump from the top. I plan laundry time before it's too late.  The truth is, if you have woken up without clean boxers, that's probably because your girl is either mad at you and or you don't have one.  Oh.  I'm sorry.  Am I stereotyping?  Noted and moving right along....

In the midst of our planning process, we have developed what we like to call "The Dress Rehearsal".  We have dress rehearsals for weddings, we have dress rehearsals in our mirrors with our friends before we go out or before we buy something, and we have dress rehearsals for our hair...that's right.  Our hair.  Did you know that?  We go to the salon weeks before our wedding day and have our hair done with our veil to see what it will look like on the big day.  When you look surprised as we stroll down the aisle toward you, glowing with perfect hair, we aren’t surprised.  We saw ourselves a month ago. 

My friend told me last week that she heard a group of girls talking in the break room.  These girls are going camping with their husbands and they have decided to have a trial run camping trip.  That's right.  These geniuses are PITCHING tents and CAMPING in their backyards as a DRESS REHEARSAL for the real camping trip with the guys.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  Remarkable!  I can just see them giggling while they attempt to put the tent together and then later going inside because there are too many bugs and they want to sleep in their beds.  I wanted to say that it was ridiculous idea, this whole faux-camping trip, but I laughed too hard and remembered that long ago, my friend, Kerri, and I were planning a dress rehearsal of our own.  We decided that we were going to secretly practice playing Madden while our husbands were at work.  Our original idea was that we would secretly get good at it and then BOOM!  They wouldn't know what hit them and we could play with them.  But have you tried to play Madden?  I would feel more comfortable pulling a MacGyver and unarming a nuclear weapon to my chest. What happened to the controller?  There are like 10,000 buttons and what's worse, there are a million different outcomes depending on the combination of buttons that you push.  There's no way that I could do this strategically.  Where's Duck Hunt?

Sometimes the things we plan turn out to be the biggest flops, but it's important, guys, to remember that the process is what makes us happy.  Right, girls?

The Paperman

If you haven't watched this, please do. It's short and so sweet. I heard it in the background about a hundred times whenever I put "Wreck it Ralph" on for the kids, but I hadn't actually paid attention until last week. I know it was nominated for an Oscar, but I don't know if it won.  Maybe you can have a Monday like this. Quit your job to see about a girl.....Yeah, don't do that. It's only cute in a cartoon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjtGTJW-0sY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Ok, so I'm Back

There is something to be said for expressing your feelings.  On Tuesday, I could have just disappeared from my blog like I have done when I am busy, but I didn't.  I did what I always do....I think, I feel, I write honestly and I post.  Writing is a part of me and it's just what I do.  It's kind of ironic that I was expressing how I was feeling....stale and uninspired, which is actually a feeling, but I thought that it wasn't. The truth is, I don't WANT to be a drag and I don't want people to read crappy, uninspired entries that I don't care about.  I am not going to post something just to post.  You can tell how I am feeling even if I don't say it by what I post.  I love this blog, even if other people don't, because it's a piece of me and I always put myself out there.  You can totally get to know me by reading it and I don't want to post something that I am not passionate about.  Now I am not saying that people won't read it and hate me, but oh well.  I am honest.  When I wrote on Tuesday, I really did think it would be a couple of weeks before I felt like writing again.

Anyway, since writing that, my friends have been pulling me out of this hole.  I got a text from one girlfriend saying that she loves me, that a lot of people do and that I will feel better about everything soon.  I got a phone call from another friend (she calls me every day) and while I talked about how I feel dead, I cried. Crying is not dead.  We talked about how I should be thankful that I have always been a happy person, even when things are hard.  The difference this time is that it's taken a toll on me and I am probably feeling how I should.  I don't sleep much, I am stressed out, I am emotional.  I should be thankful for my usual happy disposition because it's a gift.  There are people who can't even function, they are so depressed, and the truth is, I am still at the gym and doing things every day in my dark place.  I am lucky.  It can always be worse.  Anyway, I walked out to my mailbox yesterday (my friend told me to because she knows I never check the mail) and in it was a book and a really sweet note.  Another friend texted me "That's not the Alice I know....you'll find inspiration soon; you're like a magnet for it."  Another friend sent me something funny that she observed at work and asked me to write about it.  I will.  It's hilarious.

So I guess my point is, I am glad I wrote that post and didn't just slink off and curl into a ball.  I did what I always do and I write what's on my mind....even though I am very sorry to the people reading it.  If you are still reading, thank you.  I was just being honest, and I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have so many people in my life and no one is going to let me be alone when I am happy OR sad.  I actually feel like a brat for feeling depressed at all because there are people starving around the world, who are being physically harmed, who have never been loved by their parents, who have no one cheering them on, there are people who are dying from horrendous diseases....actually, I am a little embarrassed that I am so honest about my feelings on here.  I feel like a brat.  I feel guilty for being unhappy.  I always have.  There's always someone worse off than you and I know that.  That said, I shouldn't expect myself to be happy every day of my life and I shouldn't beat myself up when I am not.

The truth is, I know that we grow from these seasons in our lives.  It feels like a roller coaster sometimes and it's so frustrating, but we do come out stronger because of them.  It's hard any time you go through change. I have also been praying a lot lately and telling God that I will allow him to guide me, so maybe what I am feeling is the sadness of letting go of things I have tried keeping in my life.

By the way, I finally slept for 6 hours two nights ago and then again last night.  I have been functioning on 3 hours every night, pretty much for the past month.  I have been walking around and people are saying "Did you just wake up?  You look really tired."  I am.  I know that this sleep problem I have doesn't help anything.  And by the way, what they are really saying is "YOU look like CRAPPPPP!" 

To the people I am talking about today, thank you.  You know who you are.  I am so lucky to have you. I have always thanked God for the people in my life because they are amazing.  I don't know why I am so blessed, but I really am.  I pray to God I don't ever end up stranded on an island somewhere.  I would go crazier than Tom Hanks with his Smiley Face Volleyball, Wilson.  Gosh, I love people.  I would seriously go insane without socialization and people. 

Wilson.

Hiatus

I have never said this or felt the need to do this, ever.  But I think I am going to have to take a little break from writing.  I don't know if it'll be a day, four, a week, a few weeks....I hope not long.  It isn't that I have run out of words....trust me, I am still talking, but I guess I just feel stale.

Have you ever been so passionate about something or everything, you feel everything and it's so much that you end up with an emotional hangover?  That's pretty much what has happened to me.  I feel numb, stale, and I need some kind of inspiration.  I'm just blah.  I don't care about stuff like I usually do and I am going in search of something that doesn't bore the crap out of me.  I'm going outside to get some vitamin D and maybe something that doesn't hurt like hell will snap me out of this.  I am really just sick of being frustrated, happy, then sad, and feeling like I am getting knocked down over and over, so I am staying in one place right now. 

I feel sedated.  This is why I have never medicated my ADD.  I don't want to feel dead.

Watch me be gone for two days.  Ha ha.