Wise Words Going Into 2013 (not my own)

I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I think that they are stupid.  When you know you should be doing something, you should just do it, regardless of the day of the year.  I said this last year, and I say it every year....You set yourself up for failure if you make a to-do list for yourself based on a date, not to mention, it's very negative and not a great way to improve yourself.  Look at the people swarming to the gym every January.  I have been there a long time and I can tell you, the attendance is annoyingly high in January and February and drops off in March.  If you would pick a day in July to start going to the gym, maybe you would have ROOM to work out and actually FIND a machine to use, rather than being like everyone else and going crazy in January and eventually losing interest in March because you haven't noticed a difference because you can't ever get to a machine.  Physical health and fitness is a way of life, it isn't a fad and anyone will fail miserably until they realize this.  Learn to love it, and it will be your way of life.

I may not make resolutions, but I do believe in assessing yourself every year.  Every New Year and every birthday, I reflect on how I am different and what I have learned.  I'm not going to go into that this year because it's too personal.  This is something no one ever seems to hear from me because I am an open book, but this time, it is too personal.  I have been through a lot this year and that's all I will say.  I think that everyone should reflect on themselves once or twice a year because that's how you improve and set goals and discover your dreams. 

I found some quotes yesterday that I think are great for today.  They are from "Eat Pray, Love" and anyone who has ever heard me talk about this book knows that I love the idea of what Liz Gilbert did (she traveled the world in order to find herself and God after a divorce), but they also know that she isn't my favorite person.  Regardless of what I think of her, this is great stuff and I thought I would share:

The Physics of the Quest

In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.

Imagine where you could go with your life if you were always forgiving, open, and brave. 

Transformation:

Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic. It's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.

It sucks, but this is true.  How many times have you admired someone who has been through hell and yet is unwilling to be a victim?  It's our scars that make us stronger and better people...or not, I guess, if you have a crappy attitude.  I was always taught that pain and suffering will lead you to becoming a better person. 

Soul Mates:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

So true.  It's someone you want to be better for and who wants the best for you, without selfish intent.

Why aren't we attracted to some people?  Why are we?  Why can't we explain it?

“One thing I do know about intimacy is that there are certain natural laws which govern the sexual experience of two people, and that these laws cannot be budged any more than gravity can be negotiated with. To feel physically comfortable with someone else's body is not a decision you can make. It has very little to do with how two people think or act or talk or even look. The mysterious magnet is either there, buried somewhere deep behind the sternum, or it is not. When it isn't there (as I have learned in the past, with heartbreaking clarity) you can no more force it to exist than a surgeon can force a patient's body to accept a kidney from the wrong donor. My friend Annie says it all comes down to one simple question: "Do you want your belly pressed against this person's belly forever --or not?”

You know it's frustrating when someone is perfect on paper and yet you wouldn't touch them with a 10-foot pole.  Why is that?  We don't know. Why are you drawn to people with no good explanation?  Why do you click with someone and not another? 


Anyway, I will see you in 2013!  That's crazy.  2013.  I don't know how this happens.

Flashback Friday-Hitch Scene

I already wrote for today but then I realized, IT'S FLASHBACK FRIDAY!

My friend, Ashleigh, and I were watching "Hitch" last night and although we have seen this movie hundreds of times, we just started laughing hysterically.  We hit rewind like 5 times and couldn't stop laughing when Hitch kicks the girl off the jet ski.  It's great.

http://youtu.be/eKKd33QEB3I

Ash said "First of all, WHAT are you DOING kicking your leg that high?" and I was cracking up about how Will Smith leaps into the water!  It's so funny.  Watch it. :)

Have a great weekend!

I Can Write in Chinese! (sort of)

I haven't messed with the design and gadgets on my blog in a while, so I don't know how new this feature is, but it's brand-spankin' new to me and it's freakin' awesome!  Those of you who are emailed nightly will have to go to the site to see what I am talking about, but there is a button called "Translate" and it will take everything I write and convert it to a different language!  This is really cool because I get a lot of hits from other countries, especially Russia and Germany. 

Try it out!  It's so cool! 

Christmas Recap #2

We finished opening presents last night at Don's parents' house.  To highlight the evening..... Grammy and Grandaddy got the big kids flat screen TV's.  Don and I gave them both iPhone 5's, Peyton got a remote control car that goes about 70 mph, and the boys each got a Powerwheels. They didn't understand what the boxes were at first because they still have to be put together, but then Carson said "I want Lulu to drive me" and we knew that they were beginning to understand what was in the box.  Powerwheels are always a little intimidating to little kids at first.  I have to pause right now and say that Carson and Dylan are the best gift-getters.  They are always so appreciative of the things they are given.  They even get excited about the clothes.  And rather than tearing through the presents, they savor every moment.  They are so sweet.  It's amazing for three-year-olds.  I've never seen anything like it.  They are so special. :)

It was a very nice night and the kids were all very happy....so were the adults. 




Look at the stockings.  Grammy and Grandaddy have the BIGGEST
stockings ever.  The boys could fit in them.  We love their stockings.




Sweet Carson



Dylan opening a froggy ball and catcher's mit

Lindsey and Logan

Lindsey and Logan are opening their phones, Peyton is opening
his Beats headphones (I think they're for his Playstation 3)

Lindsey realizes what it is

This is one picture out of several I took of her jumping up and down.

See?

Still excited.

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas!  Now on to New Year's!

Christmas Recap #1

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas!  We did, except that I started getting sick on Christmas Eve and didn't feel better until last night.  I slept a lot yesterday and felt like my head was a bowling ball and my body was achy and tired.  I felt like it took effort to lift an arm up. We still have more presents to open tonight when I get off work, so it's not quite over!  I will talk more tomorrow about everything when I am not so groggy and tired.  I will say that the kids were very happy with all of their stuff.  In fact, the boys came down and didn't know what to do, they were so overwhlemed.  Don and I look at each other every year and know that we probably go overboard, but it's the fun thing about being a parent.  You have to yell at your kids and discipline them almost every day for something, so it's nice to spoil them and see them happy.  As far as big gifts so far (they still have a lot of surprises tonight) Lindsey got a Wii U, Logan got a Playstation 3, and the boys got a train table. 

Don and the kids got me a Keurig....it's awesome.  I am in love with it.  They also loaded me up on coffee and I got a couple of storage containers to go with it.  I got a Blu-ray player for downstairs, my eyecream (it's amazing) and a bunch of awesome stuff in my stocking. Logan got me a Georgia State shirt that DOESN'T suck...it's really cute.  I always hated the clothes that Georgia State made because I guess they didn't have a football team and no one cared about the logo and stuff.  Now we have one, so I guess they are making better stuff?  Now I have something that I actually like from the school I graduated from!  Lindsey got me a pretty pair of earrings and a bracelet.

For now, here are a couple of pictures from yesterday.

Carson and the train table

What's up?

Merry Christmas! 

I spent the whole time in these cute Vera Wang slippers....and leg warmers.

I hope that everyone is enjoying their family time! I'll write more later. 


-Britt

Merry (early) Christmas

I'll be chillin' with the kids tomorrow and cooking Christmas morning food.  I got a lot done over the weekend and I am ready to enjoy the kids for the next couple of days!

I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and I will be back on Wednesday with some kind of top 10. Wherever you are, I wish you the best day with the people you love!


-Brittany

Flashback Friday-I Ate a Lightbulb

Since everyone is saying this is the last day we'll be here, I figured I would tell a story that only a few people on the planet know. If we are all still here tomorrow, well then I guess you all get to laugh at me.

I had to sit through a five hour class  yesterday and I noticed that for maybe 20 seconds, I sat still.  I feel like I am crawling out of my skin trying to sit still sometimes. I can't get comfortable, I wiggle, I rub my face, roll my ankles, dig through my purse......I just move. I feel creepy crawly feelings on the inside of my skin.  This is something that I guess I neglect to notice about myself most of the time, but I realize that fidgeting has been a constant problem, pretty much for forever. If there is paper in front of me, I play with it. A pen gets clicked. Whatever is in front of me will be annihilated.  Of course, I didn't notice it myself. Someone has always pointed it out. I know it's annoying to watch TV with me because I constantly move.

So flashback to when I was nine years old. My grandma had a large dining room table that was covered with crap. By crap I mean pretty much everything she owned. Need some scissors?  Look on Grandma Waggoner's table. Christmas lights for the tree? Grandma Waggoner's table. So I remember sitting alone at this table. I don't think I was in time-out, but then again, I can't tell you why I was sitting at a table, alone. Maybe there was no reason. I know I was bored. So I picked up a lightbulb.  I was tapping the glass on my teeth, making beats. What happens, genius, when you tap glass on a hard surface, like teeth? It breaks.....in your mouth.  The entire thing shattered IN my mouth. Well of course, I thought "Oh my gosh! There is glass in my mouth! This is so not right!" But I stayed calm.

I quietly got up, careful not to move my lips or tongue or anything, and I walked to the sink.  I carefully pulled all of the little pieces of glass out of my mouth, threw them away, and never told a living soul.  I knew it was stupid and I didn't have a good reason for being so dumb.  Luckily, I didn't hurt myself.  I'm pretty sure the doctor would've told my parents that I needed to ride the short bus and to keep sharp objects away from me in case I'd feel the need to eat them.

Yep.  I know.

Let Her Go

This song is so true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA

Here are the lyrics:

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch, oh it dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Top 10-What My Agenda Would Look Like on the Last Day of the World

So apparently this Friday is supposed to be the end of the world. Even though God says no one will know what day that is, everyone thinks they know. Typical human behavior, right? I think it would be more likely to happen on Saturday. I could see us all like "Yay! We made it! We're still here.....oh crap." 

Anyway, I began thinking about what my agenda would look like if I knew it was the end of the world and I didn't have to go to work. I think my list wouldn't look far from the things I already like to do. I would want to make sure that I did the things that make me ME. Here are the things I would write down in my agenda, if I knew it was the last day of the world. 

1.) Hold the kids. Make sure they know you love them more than life itself

2.) Go to yoga to breathe, relax and meditate

3.) Pray and repent. Apologize to everyone you've hurt. Tell everyone how much you love them, especially those who don't know

4.) Have sex on Turner Field

5.) Go to Krispy Kreme

6.) Go skydiving 

7.) Go into a library and yell a profanity 

8.) Dance

9.) Get a tattoo 

10.) Laugh and smile, all day. Be goofy.

One of my friends says he'd go into a china shop and shatter some fine dining dishes and then he'd try to out run the cops. I told him I'd go with him after we steal a bad ass car because I would still be too scared to drive over 90 mph by myself, but that it would be fun.  Actually, I still wouldn't steal a car because I would be afraid I'd go to Hell. I also told him that the cops probably wouldn't chase him because they wouldn't care. They'd be at Krispy Kreme with me.  Then he said after he stole a car, he'd  let all of animals out at the zoo.  That's awesome.  Now, my list would look a lot different if I weren't afraid of Hell.  I would break into Tiffany's.  I would hunt down Channing Tatum and slip him a date rape drug.  But.....I do believe in Hell.

Yeah, my agenda is boring, but I would be doing everything with monkeys and lions running around because Travis let them out.  

Are They for Real?

I can't figure out if this is real or not, but it's awesome.  Someone sent this to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnOyMSEWNTs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Disclaimer: a little depressing

I feel like the sun needs to come out very soon.  It’s dark, wet, cold and gloomy and it’s only enhancing the sadness that I’m feeling.   I really have been avoiding the news altogether because it’s so disturbing, but I watched a little last night and I saw some of the pictures of the kids and heard President Obama speak.  You know, I usually know what to say (even if it’s the wrong thing to say, I still have words) but I really don’t know what to say about all of this.  The only thing I keep thinking about is how the kids were scared when they died and the kids who were lucky to make it out alive will never, ever be the same children again.  It makes me sick that as a parent, you take care of a child for years—you put up baby gates and buy car seats, you make sure to install cabinet locks and baby monitors, you read hundreds of articles and books on parenting and nutritious diets for your child—and in a split second, someone can take everything you love away from you.  Who do you think you are to do that to someone, and to a child?  Those parents must be in absolute hell right now while they think about how they weren’t there to hold their children as they were scared, to protect them, and to be there as they died.  You aren’t supposed to bury your children; it’s against the natural law.  You hear them cry when they are born and you watch them breathe their first breath, but you shouldn’t see their last and you shouldn’t have to live a day without them.  It makes me sick and I can barely talk about it, like I am sure, no one else can. 

 I think about the psychopath rolling up to the school with a gun and a plan and I realize, there really is evil and darkness all around us, and when the Bible talks about a war between good and evil, I mean, I see that almost as a tangible thing.  What a dark, evil day that was.  And people don’t believe in the devil?  I know God was there too.  I know that.  One of my friends told me that the guy heard the police sirens and that’s when he shot himself.  He had enough ammo to kill the whole school.  It could have been so much worse than it was, and we will never know how much God intervenes because we often focus on what actually happens.  How can we not?  It’s painful.  It makes me wonder though, even though God is all powerful and almighty, have I underestimated how much free will we were actually given?  Does he stand back and let us destroy ourselves because that’s what we decided?  The thought makes me feel alone and scared.  I have faith that we aren’t alone and that God is protecting us, but it’s moments like these when you really question why things happen as they do and it makes you realize how vulnerable you are.

When I first hear about tragedies like this, I don’t say anything.  Then I get angry and say a lot of stupid things and try to blame something or someone.  Then I get sad.  Then I think about it more rationally.  I really am glad that I believe in God because I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t.  Because to tell you the truth, I have a hard time with this stuff and sometimes I feel like this place, Earth, really is hell.  I have a hard time with the fact that people say “I was blessed and spared on 911, thankfully my alarm clock didn’t go off and I overslept” but what is that saying about the person who wasn’t supposed to be in the building and died?  That they weren’t?   Was that person watched over less?  No.  I don’t believe that.  I don’t understand it.  When does God intervene and how does he decide?  Or are we floating around and lucky and unlucky?  I have never believed that, but I wonder sometimes.

I had a friend from church, her name was Stephanie Saint.  She was so sweet, almost saint-like, so her name was fitting.  She was in Africa serving as a missionary and she had just flown back to the states.  That afternoon, she was playing with her cousins and she complained of a headache.  That same night, she had an aneurism and died.  We were 19 years old.  I cried about it and couldn’t understand why she had died so young because she was so good, yet rapists and murderers live until they’re 80.  I didn’t go to the funeral because I was out of state, but I heard through the grapevine that her mother said “She wasn’t happy here anyway”.  Apparently, she was so pure of heart, that she had a hard time dealing with things that happened here on Earth.  Maybe God spared her from seeing evil things.  That’s what I have always thought anyway.  She wasn’t meant to be here.  Maybe there’s something to that song “Only the Good Die Young”….of course, that’s a song about a guy trying to get into a girl’s panties, but you get what I am saying.

I hate goodbyes, I hate endings, I hate letting people go.  Is this life?  Is this going to continue to happen my whole life?  Yes.  It is.  When I was a child, I always had to say goodbye to people because everyone was divorcing.  Everything always seemed to break and collapse, so I just thought it was best to put up a wall and not get attached because it’s definitely going to end badly.  The problem is that I am not like that and my heart never listens to my head….I love people.  So pretty much, life is going to hurt.  Everything ends eventually, and it's going to hurt like hell.  Sorry this is depressing, but this is how I feel.

I went to a funeral yesterday; Don and Brea’s uncle died of cancer.  He was one of the sweetest men I have ever met.  He was given six weeks to six months, and two days later he passed away. It was an uplifting funeral and it really was a celebration of his life, which is the best kind of funeral, if you have to say goodbye to someone.  They’re always sad though.  About a month ago, my cousin committed suicide, he was 27.  600 people came to pay their respects; he was a cute guy and everyone loved him.  I mean, what is going on? 

Honestly, I am just really freaking sad about stuff lately.  I’m afraid to turn around and see what else is coming. 

I'll talk about the weekend now…..

Saturday morning I went to Zumba and then I took the boys to my restaurant and then we went to see Santa.  Lindsey wasn’t there because she went to her friend, Victoria’s house, and they went to a Christmas party.  According to Tori’s mom, they were dancing all night.  They are in dance together, they cheered together, and they are doing the talent show together.  They have choreographed a dance, it’s pretty cute.  Saturday night, Brea and Audrey came in from Ohio for the funeral.  It was nice to see them and the kids had a blast.

Dylan and Ashleigh, at Henry's

Me and my boys....my heart.

Logan and the little ones.



Carson found handcuffs and cuffed himself to Audrey



Dylan, Carson and Audrey.  Cousins, but don't
they look like they could be triplets?

Lindsey and Santa





Last night, after the funeral, the kids played and watched a movie and Brea and I had a bottle of wine.  She likes to choose her wine based on the label and when I said that I am a red wine drinker, she got me this wine.

Lip Gloss....it isn't just me.

This is so funny.  I talked about my lip glosses, I looked, on NOVEMBER 14th.  Someone asked me if I had seen Jenna Marbles' video on "Girls I don't understand about girls" and I hadn't. Today, I finally got around to watching her video.  I checked the date.....she posted this on November 12th and I HAD NOT SEEN IT!  I swear!  So funny....I had never seen it.  I am always saying how me and Jenna would get along....so true.  Watch this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1usT9C04Foc

By the way, she is so right about what girls are afraid of.  I won't watch scary movies because I am too scared.  I am terrified of going to the attic and when I do, I get through it so quickly that I have almost fallen. I have literally almost fallen out of the attic, that is, out of the ceiling, because I am scared.  I am scared of my mom's basement.  I am scared of having my leg dangling off the bed in the dark because a hand might grab it.  I hide under my covers to keep me safe.  But yeah, REALLY scary things are walk in the park.  She's right. I talk to strangers, weirdos, park in darkened lots, get money out of an ATM alone in the dark.....

I would like to understand these things about myself too.

Three Lies About Girls

I make blanket statements on this blog a lot, mainly because making generalizations are funny and sometimes true.  However, I have a bone to pick about a couple.  These generalizations are lies and I just have to jot them down.  Now keep in mind, I am NOT knocking men.  I am defending myself, even though no one is attacking me.  My friends and I have talked about this over and over and I just feel the need to say something about it.

1. Women are complicated, Men are not-This is not true!  I just do not understand this.  Who said this and why did it stick?  It is a lie!  If I feel something; I say it.  I tell you exactly what is wrong with me when I am upset, I tell you exactly what I like, what I don't like, what I feel, what I want, why I am pissed, why I am crying, and if I am not sure why I am acting crazy and illogical and crying, I then admit it's because of hormones.  I ADMIT it and I say "Just ignore me, I am crying because I am about to get my damn period."  How does saying exactly what's up make you complicated?  Is it because I am not retarded and you are?  I just don't get it.  It's a lie.  If men do something, they can't even give you a reason why they did it!  How does this make any sense?  You can ask them a question and they either dodge it and say "I'm done talking" or they give you some stupid answer that makes you dumber.  (Sometimes....remember, I am not making blanket statements.)

This must represent IQ points or something. 
I just don't understand this.

2. Women turn men down for sex constantly-This is not true.  Another lie.  Who are these women?  This is not what's happening.  Women, actually, seem to be more into it and it seems like a lot of men don't keep up.  I am so confused about where this lie came from.  Our grandmas?  Please explain this to me. 

3. Men are logical, Women are not-I will admit that this is sometimes true.  I only know this because I think girls are dumb sometimes and that they play games and they can be really immature even as old ladies.  However, it is not all of us.  I feel like there are a lot of logical girls who really make an attempt to stop and think before they feel and react from emotion.  I have heard "girls play games" but I don't really understand that.  It seems to me that men play a lot of games....the difference?  They don't know why they are doing it and girls do.  (Or so it seems.)

This is why generalizations are bad.  We aren't all the same.  It is frustrating to be one of these girls and to do exactly the opposite of what a guy expects.  What happens a lot is that these girls intimidate men....they don't know what to do with you because I don't know, you make too much sense?  It must be a trick if you are being upfront!  Haha.   Thinking back on all of my relationships, I was very clear about everything I ever felt, wanted, and thought.....it does no good if the receiving end doesn't care or listen. That doesn't make me complicated. 

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the victims of today's shooting. 

I just don't get it.  Babies.  We should drop off all the freaks on an island where they can all whine together about their problems.  And you know what?  We'll find out the same crap we always do.....someone saw something.  HOW ABOUT getting your PSYCHO KID HELP!!!!!??????  Do something about it!!!!

It's like Pinterest, but Way Cooler

I know that this is supposed to Flashback Friday, but I have too much to say in the present, plus, my memory sucks today and I am drawing a blank! 

So a couple of things.....


THE CHIVE-I'm addicted.

I shouldn't say this because it will only come out dumber the second time and especially written down, but that doesn't seem to stop me......like ever.  I was talking with a guy from work yesterday and I picked up a glass of water and I said "Isn't water weird?  If you look at a label, it says ZERO all the way down the label.  There aren't calories, salt, nothing...it's just nothing.  It's clear, like air, but it's there and you can see it, but it's nothing, but it's something." He laughed and said that I need to get on Chive. 

The Chive is full of random crap and pictures and quotes that they try to categorize with titles like "Douchebags", "Hot chicks", "Cars", "Animals", "Art", "Why bras haven't been burned" and my personal favorite, "Randomness".  It's like Pinterest for crap that you REALLY don't need, but that make life better.  I was giggling so hard last night I had tears streaming down my face.  Once I was driving through the mall parking lot and my sister and I saw a guy bending over in pink bike shorts and he was sagging down to his knees, if you know what I mean.  His bike shorts were see-through right on his crack.  It was so gross, but funny because there wasn't an explanation.  I wish I could find this picture....oh yeah, we took a picture.  We drove back around and took a picture because we couldn't believe it.  Chive would be a perfect place for this picture. 


Here are some things I have found......

I love the note.

Hahahahahahaha!

I want to meet the person who did this.

Top 10-Fun Ways to Mess With a Telemarketer

1. Tell them they just called a crime scene for a murder and that they're the lead suspect.
2. Ask them if they have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior.....chances are they'll do what we all do when we see Jehovah's witnesses.....they'll hide, as in hang up the phone. 
3. If it's a guy, ask him what his name is and tell him you just found out he's the father of your child. (You can do this even if you're a guy because it'll be even scarier coming from you.)
4. Hand your phone to your kid, even if it's a baby.  Kids love talking on the phone and they have all the time in the world. 
5. Try speaking in your own tribal language.
6. Fake an orgasm.  (Girls, you got this. lol)
7. Tell them you're an Amway representative and you'd like to meet with them about powerful earning potential. 
8. Say "What?" like Lil John, over and over and over and over and over and over, until they get tired of repeating themselves.  You can throw in some "YEAH's" and "OKAAAAAY's" if you get bored.
9. Act like you're interested and totally going to give them a sale, get them pumped up and excited and once you're bored, say "Yeah, not interested....." and hang up.  Yes, you are a tease and you can rest assured that you just gave them blue balls.
10. If it's a girl, tell her all of your freaky fetishes.  Tell her you're working on a suit of skin and ask her if she wants to contribute.   

12.12.12

I read a couple of days ago that more people are getting married today than any other day this year.  I guess that's really good for the guys.  Now they never have an excuse for forgetting their anniversary because it's super easy to remember.

I am in love with this song. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivyb3VIl-6o

"Love You"

Though I left you there sleeping
No I dare not say a word
Silently weeping
Knowing what I heard
What can I say
I was never good with words
My tongue always got it wrong
Hoping that you knew all along
I love you, I love you

Hell I've done all I can
How else can I get this through
I know you're someone else's
And I'm sure he needs you
When I'm laying in my bed
I can say what's on my mind
Let my actions be my words
I'm sure that you heard
I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you

Damn You, Sticker Families

I have blogged about sex, politics, religion, gay marriage and what did I get the biggest backlash for?  Bumper stickers.  I made a comment about those stick figure families on the back of cars and WW3 broke out on Facebook.  HA!  Proving my theory and moving right along......

Mandatory Science Fair.....hahahaha!!!

Enough Said

Things I Know About You if You Have a Million Bumper Stickers on Your Car

1.      You drive ONE MILE PER HOUR-Seriously.  This morning I got caught behind this lady and by the time I got to 92, I was screaming at her "You'd BETTER be going straight, lady!!!!"  I turned right and thought to myself a million bumper stickers.  Of course.  What did I expect?

2.      You are an a**hole and so are your conceited kids-One or two stickers is fine.  You're proud.  I get it.  But seriously, why do you feel the need to advertise every single thing that your kid does?  Why don't you also add stickers every time your kid uses the toilet and wipes his own butt?  I'm sure if they made them, you'd stick them on the back of your vehicle because you are a huge tool. 

3.      99% of the time, you are a mini-van-This is true.  Oh, and I should add that there isn't an unspoken rule that IF you drive a van, you have to slap on 500 bumper stickers about your kid.  I drive one, I don't have one sticker. My kids know I'm proud.  I don't need to tell anyone else.  There also isn't a rule stating that you have to drive 13 miles per hour everywhere you go.  I drive fast and I drive a mini-van.  You wanna know why?  I have a V6 engine.  I have places to be....get a move on. A van isn't code for slow and stupid.  I may get cheeseburgers thrown at my head and swerve occasionally while reaching for Sippy cups that are sliding back and forth and clanging across the car, but I am not slow and stupid.  The other one percent in this section are hippies in a little tiny car.  Why?  They have a million things to talk about (animal cruelty, dirty air, the desire to coexist, guns are bad, and expressing dolphin love and veganism) and their cars are small, so they take up the whole back easily.  I find it interesting that these people are usually in cars that pollute more than any others and probably haven't passed an emissions test since 1973. 

4.      You are not hot.

5.      You were probably a loser in school and you are living vicariously through your child. 

6.      I wouldn't be friends with you because you are a dork. 

The Blonde Joke

Daughters

You know that John Mayer song, "Daughters"?  The words make me want to cry because they're so true.  It all starts with the dad in the family.  Dads are so important in a family. 


My dad sent this to me last week.
I do usually call him Dad.



Daughters-John Mayer

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Flashback Friday-My First Memory

I don't have many memories before the age of five.  I probably have 5 total.  I don't remember my parents ever being in the same room together except two times, which is very bizarre if you ask me.  They divorced when I was five, almost six I guess, and I remember absolutely nothing.  One of the times I remember them being together was when I was riding my bike.  I went in the house to get something and heard them fighting, so I went back outside without what I had gone in for and I continued to ride my bike.  I remember it being dark in the house, almost all brown or something.  I remember really dark cabinets and a ramp outside that I used to ride my bike on.  That's it.  That's pretty much the only thing I remember of the two of them. I watch videos and think "Why don't I remember anything about this time?"  I remember nothing. 

Memories are strange.  Most of the time you are wrong about what happened in some way because they are subjective.  Something that was important to me may not have been to someone else, and vice versa.  I saw a lady on Oprah once who remembered every day of her life and she said it was horrible.  I'll bet!!! 

Anyway, I know what my earliest memory is.  I remember it so vividly that I had always assumed I was a lot older than I was....then I saw a picture of myself.  I remember sitting on my grandma's bathroom sink; it was a 60's countertop with gold sparkles.  I was wearing a bunny costume and my mom was painting whiskers on my face.  That's it.  That's what I remember.  It may not be a big memory, but I remember it like I was ten years old. So guess how old I was.  It was Halloween after my first birthday, which meant that I was 14 months old. That's crazy.  I can't remember my parents in the same room at five years old, but I remember getting whiskers painted on my face when I wore diapers.

What was your first memory? 

Dreams

I used to remember my dreams better than I do now, I guess because I used to sleep more.  I did remember my dream a couple of nights ago and thought it was really weird.  I dreamed that my vitamins had black mold on them and I had been taking them without noticing it; very strange.  I have very strange dreams.

Once, I dreamed that someone I knew had a third nostril and I didn't want to say anything because I would hurt his feelings.  I remember thinking "Why did I not notice this third nostril before?"  I thought that maybe he hadn't noticed either, so I just didn't ask about it. 

I have dreams about my teeth falling out or crumbling, but I also grind my teeth while I sleep.  Not too long ago, I had a dream that there were snakes in my bed.  I looked that up as well.  Snakes have a lot of meanings. 

Mold
To see mold in your dream indicates that something in your life has been ignored or is no longer of any use. It may also represent transformation and new growth.

Deformities
To dream that you or someone is deformed represents undeveloped aspects of yourself that you may have ignored. Your refusal to acknowledge these characteristics may be affecting your performance and creative flow.

Teeth

To dream that you your teeth have fallen out and you try to refit them back into the mouth signifies a lack of self-confidence and embarrassment. You are afraid that others will know of your short-comings. If you acted calmly in your dream, then it may point to how can make the best out of any situation. You are able to rise above unfavorable circumstances.

Note: If your teeth fell out, wouldn't you feel embarrassed or afraid people would see your short-comings, or LACK OF TEETH???  Honestly, I think I am just afraid that I am going to grind them until they crumble and break.  My dentist told me to wear a mouth guard, but I don't.

Snakes

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. Alternatively, the snake may be seen as phallic and thus symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. In particular, to see a snake on your bed suggests that you are feeling sexually overpowered or sexually threatened. You may be inexperienced, nervous or just unable to keep up. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive change.

I end with this:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xrdmz_the-cranberries-dreams_music

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if I Ruled It (Or if Girls did in General)

1.)    There Wouldn't Be Wars-Girls fight differently.  We would all sit down together, talk it all out, and decide that if someone is not cooperating, we would just shut them out of the World’s circle and not trade with them.  “OMG, China, did you hear what Venezuela did?? Don’t talk to them until they stop.”  We are really good at remembering our enemies and everything that they have done and we’re sort of like the Mafia in that we're killers who come with smiles.  (Thank you, Henry Hill from Good Fellas.)  We would just shut them out, simple as that.  If you don’t want to participate in a positive conversation and if you don't want to behave, then I guess you’ll be all alone at recess.  No one likes you!

2.)    We would not only have a Take Your Daughter to Work Day, but one for Sons-In general, I think that this Male vs. Female thing isn’t working.  We don’t need to forget about boys all together.  Men are wonderful and bring a lot of good qualities that women don’t have.  We need to teach them not to behave as gorillas, to respect women, and a way to do that is to teach EQUALITY to both sexes.  How can you preach equality to women while bashing men?  It’s so stupid.  I love my boys and they are awesome in ways that I have never been.  And really, does anyone like a woman who hates men?  NO!  They’re bitter old hags who have a million cats and eat frosting directly from the container.

Dylan, My Hero. :)

3.)    I look at all children as if they were my own.-I’m not saying that men don’t care about the children of the world, but I will tell you something….if I were president, I would not be able to bomb someplace where a child is laying there, sleeping, totally innocent and sweet.  The thought of taking a mother’s child from them and taking a child’s life makes me sick.  I would stick to bombing the people who actually enter the military….but I wouldn’t need to bomb anyone, because the women leaders would use the silent treatment and lack of trade as weapons. 

4.)    I Value Education for Girls-Obviously, we are empathetic to girls because we ARE girls.  We have walked in each others’ shoes and if we haven’t, we have the ability to imagine it.  We understand why we need support to become successful, and we understand why education helps us to have better lives, and as a result, we can offer better lives to our children.  Studies show that if you educate women, men’s lives are also better.  There is less crime, less poverty, less violence, and more production.  My dad wanted me to be smart and successful, but not all men are like that because they are about one DNA strand short from being a Gorilla, pounding their chests and grunting.  If we could just lock these men up, we would be better off.  They’re morons and they hurt people.  As soon as we are sexual objects and forced to become hookers (this happens to 12-year-olds around the world every day), our lives are over.  American girls are so lucky.  We need to help other girls, simple as that. We need to be empathetic, since the gorillas are not.

5.)    I am not power hungry-It’s important for me to state right now that I am making generalizations; obviously, I don’t mean all of this across the board.  So now that I have said this, have you ever noticed how men have a natural instinct to rule and conquer?  It’s not a coincidence that there are always more men in office; it's because they have a desire to be powerful.  It’s scientific.  It’s normal.  Men want to be powerful in their jobs, in their household, and in their bedrooms.  We are not instinctually like that.  So maybe the world needs girls who want to MAKE A DIFFERENCE and are not seeking power and respect.   Need proof of this?  Ever heard of penis envy? Napoleon complex?  Do we have vagina envy?  No.  No one is jealous of someone’s big vagina….in fact, I doubt that we think much about how different they can be.  I certainly don’t.  Therefore, this could not be brought into politics.  Next time you hear a huge truck, burning fossil fuels, look in the window, look at the driver, and just know that there is something that guy is compensating for….I know you already do.  Right?  Or is it just me?

6.)    Mothers are great negotiators-We have the ability to break up fights and come up with solutions that everyone can be happy with.  I think that we try to be fair.  Period.  We problem solve in order to make everyone happy. 

7.)    The deficit may get worse-Since I am making a lot of generalizations here for humor’s sake, I will do it again and say that girls like shoes.  This MAY be a problem when it comes to spending the World’s money.  We would definitely be in trouble if I were in charge.  We’d starve for sure.  I would not pay attention to this aspect, BUT Warren Buffett would be my Chief Financial Advisor.

8.)    Capital Punishment would be more humane, yet more creative-I know a lot of moms who when their kids fight, come up with the most creative punishments.  One mother I know gave the kids wipes and sent them to clean baseboards.  She said “When you meet in the middle, you can stop.”  I have done that.  I would be humane to criminals, but they would not be sitting there like lumps of crap, working out and eating on the tax-payer’s dollar.  I would put them to work.  I would also educate them so that when they got out, they would have a different way of making a living and understand that there is a better life out there for them.  Also, I would educate people BEFORE they are in a bad situation.  I am all about prevention.  BUT there is something I would do that is not humane.  And I mean it with all of my heart.  I would do it myself if someone touched my child…..If you use your penis as a weapon on a child, or on a woman, guess what….you lose it. BYE BYE!  Hope it was worth it because NOW you don’t have a penis.  If you use your hand to molest a child….GUESS WHAT!  Your violin-playing days are over.  Oh, and you will rot in prison forever.  Forever.  No parole.  You’re sick, you’re beyond help, and I will let you sit there until God spares you and decides your fate.  Absolutely disgusting and I have no heart for people like this.

9.)    I would reward people for doing good deeds-So much of the world is backwards.  I think you should practice positive reinforcement whenever you can and stop making it easy for the lazy while making it tough for those trying to do well for themselves.  A little tough love goes a long way and rewarding good deeds just makes sense.

10.) People wouldn’t starve-Why are people starving to death?  I don’t get it.  Get those a-hole men apes out of office and bring some food to their people.  It’s ridiculous.  We have enough food.  It’s not right.  It makes me sick. 

I have posted this before, but I am doing it again......it's powerful. 


http://youtu.be/1e8xgF0JtVg