Things I Know About You if You Have a Million Bumper Stickers on Your Car

1.      You drive ONE MILE PER HOUR-Seriously.  This morning I got caught behind this lady and by the time I got to 92, I was screaming at her "You'd BETTER be going straight, lady!!!!"  I turned right and thought to myself a million bumper stickers.  Of course.  What did I expect?

2.      You are an a**hole and so are your conceited kids-One or two stickers is fine.  You're proud.  I get it.  But seriously, why do you feel the need to advertise every single thing that your kid does?  Why don't you also add stickers every time your kid uses the toilet and wipes his own butt?  I'm sure if they made them, you'd stick them on the back of your vehicle because you are a huge tool. 

3.      99% of the time, you are a mini-van-This is true.  Oh, and I should add that there isn't an unspoken rule that IF you drive a van, you have to slap on 500 bumper stickers about your kid.  I drive one, I don't have one sticker. My kids know I'm proud.  I don't need to tell anyone else.  There also isn't a rule stating that you have to drive 13 miles per hour everywhere you go.  I drive fast and I drive a mini-van.  You wanna know why?  I have a V6 engine.  I have places to be....get a move on. A van isn't code for slow and stupid.  I may get cheeseburgers thrown at my head and swerve occasionally while reaching for Sippy cups that are sliding back and forth and clanging across the car, but I am not slow and stupid.  The other one percent in this section are hippies in a little tiny car.  Why?  They have a million things to talk about (animal cruelty, dirty air, the desire to coexist, guns are bad, and expressing dolphin love and veganism) and their cars are small, so they take up the whole back easily.  I find it interesting that these people are usually in cars that pollute more than any others and probably haven't passed an emissions test since 1973. 

4.      You are not hot.

5.      You were probably a loser in school and you are living vicariously through your child. 

6.      I wouldn't be friends with you because you are a dork.