When Things Go Missing

I think that aliens must come down to Earth while we are sleeping and steal our stuff.  Forget about them implanting stuff into your brain….they are hijacking your dryer instead.  They probably have an entire museum full of our stuff just for their viewing pleasure. They either marvel at our inventions or they laugh at them.  We all joke about the missing sock.  You know, the one that gets washed and vanishes into thin air when you pull your clothes out of the dryer?  Where is that sock?  It’s in the Sock Hall of Fame on Planet Mooogasakiii, a hundred thousand light years away.  Why, you ask?  Maybe they don’t have feet and they laugh at our socks because they are stupid looking.  Maybe they find them intriguing because they have stumps where our feet are.  Maybe they don’t have silver, so they marvel at anything metal that we used to own—like the screw you just dropped and can’t find.  I mean, how can things go missing with absolutely no viable and scientific explanation?  Where are the 7 pairs of scissors that no one in the house seems to have used?  They are in a case next to our socks.

I speak of this today because we have a mystery in our house.  I am not kidding at all anymore; we really do have a mystery.  We have a missing fish.  I mean it.  Lindsey’s fish is actually missing.  She got a tank for Christmas and two fish, Mickey and Pluto.  One died within the first month, so the other fish has been hanging out by himself.  Lindsey went to feed the loner fish the other day and it was gone.  I mean GONE.  I blamed the cat at first, but I remembered Robert Di Niro saying in Meet the Parents that cats lack opposable thumbs, so I guess that’s out of the question.  The cat would have had to have lifted the entire black top OFF of the tank, set it down, and remove the fish.  Then the cat would have had to put it back.  We moved around the “props” in the tank and the fish wasn’t hiding behind them.  He also wasn't dead and dangling from them.  We looked in the filter because we thought that maybe it got sucked up, but it wasn’t there.  (As if that is even possible, like in Finding Nemo.)  Now I am starting to wonder if fish can disintegrate or somehow fuse with the rocks.  I mean, how ridiculous is that that I am even suggesting something like that?

Here is a picture of the tank.  Explain this:

The Crime Scene

Explain this.....

When I was in high school I had a turtle that I kept in a bowl.  There was absolutely no way that he could get out of the bowl, and even if he could, he was like ten feet off the ground because the bowl was kept on the top of my entertainment center, so you would think that escaping would be impossible.  Well, I came home to feed it one day and it was gone.  I was puzzled.  No one had been home, so I couldn’t blame my family.  I looked everywhere and eventually found him under my bed.  When he saw me, he started running and sliding across the wood floor.  I grabbed him and put him back into the bowl.  I was so confused.  First of all, how the hell did he get out of the bowl???  Secondly, assuming that the suicidal turtle jumped, that means that he survived a ten foot fall. How can that be?   I still have no explanation as to how my turtle escaped and survived.  I should have renamed him Shawshank because that little turtle was an escape artist. He really hated me.  

So back to the fish…..could the fish have escaped?  Fused with the rocks or props?  The only other thing that could have possibly happened is that Logan did something to the fish, but then that means that I have a psychopath on my hands.   I really hope that he isn’t to blame.  He swears that he didn’t touch the fish and I believe him.  Any ideas?

Poor Lindsey.  Her fish probably resides next to my missing scissors, light years away.