I want to tell you a story, and this is 100% true. My friends who woke up to me crying last March can attest to it.
Last March I was looking for a job, and I did, every day. It was hard because I have a degree and experience in one field, really, and I knew how much money I needed to make. I have a mortgage, bills, four kids....lots of pressure. Well, I sat at my computer all day looking, sending off resumes, and I began to get depressed and stressed and panicked. I've always been a positive person and I would never ever kill myself, ever. But one morning I woke in a suffocating panic. I think I'd had a bad dream and I woke up kind of delirious and thought "I'd be better off dead." This scared me, because I'd never thought anything remotely close to this. I immediately called Brea and cried and told her that I was terrified that I'd thought that. She calmed me down and I began to pray. I begged God for help, and I told him that although I was strong, I couldn't possibly take anything else. I told him my reasoning was this: if I didn't have a job, I would lose the house and then where would the kids and I go? I began thinking "what would I do? I can't move, and I can't let the kids live with Don while I fix everything. I have to be with them." I begged God to help me.
That afternoon, I got a job. And it was a temporary fix until I got the job I have now, which is the best job I've ever had, in every way. I'm glad I didn't get this job back in March, because I still had a lot to go through and I would've been distracted and could have possibly screwed it up. I got my current job at the perfect time too, but I won't go into why that is. Just trust me when I say that it was also perfect timing.
My biggest fear was not having my house, so much that I thought "if I can't be with my kids every day, I'd be better off dead". Irrational, yes, but a valid feeling in a moment of panic? Probably.
My house burned down two months later. I had no reason to wake up. Not one alarm went off, and the ceiling caved where I had been sleeping after I ran out of the house. In my underwear. Let us never forget THAT fact.
I feel like God alleviated my initial fears, and then taught me a hard lesson. Like a parent, he said "Ok, I'm going to do this for you, but you're about to grow up." What I've learned is that you really can't fear anything when you're walking with God. I wish I could explain to you how much I've learned in the last six months, and how much tougher I am. I wish I could explain to you how much peace I feel knowing that God loves me as much as he does, to take the time to not only teach me about who I am, but mold me into what he wants me to become. The fact that he basically said "Ok, so your worst fear came true. You just lost your house, and I saved your life. Now what, Britt? What truly matters and what are you afraid of? Get up and stop crying." Wow.
I've not only learned about God, but I've learned who my friends are. I've learned that people are selfish, and they're also giving. I've learned that I'm also both selfish and giving. I've learned that it's ok to tend to yourself sometimes and tell people no. I've also learned that it's important to push through for others and help out, even when it's hard. I've learned that I'm a baby about paperwork and numbers and math and insurance....it's all a pain in the butt and I hate it. I've learned that I need to document things better, to be more disciplined that way. I don't really like doing things that don't interest me....grow up, Britt. If you want to be completely independent and self-sufficient, you have to.
God is always there. And he loves all of us. I hope that by sharing this, you'll look more closely at your life and start seeing the lessons God is trying to teach you and that you'll have faith and a positive outlook. We're all here for the same reason, and even though our situations are different, we're all learning.
The picture below was taken last week. It's the bible verse I'd taped to Lindsey's bathroom. I'd say love always perseveres. Right? Especially God's love.
:-)
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