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Why I Want to Murder My Cell Phone

Sometimes I feel like throwing out the cell phone and getting a landline with an answering machine.  I have had one, surprisingly within the last 10 years, which was basically just a dumping ground for all of the messages from people attempting to talk to me after I hadn't answered my cell phone.  The only way a landline and answering machine could work is if you actually got rid of your cell phone.

Never gonna happen.....

Why do I feel like throwing out the cell phone?  It owns my ass and so does everyone else on the other end.  It's not just a constant distraction for me, it is a guilt trip.  My phone is like a nagging bitch who won't shut the hell up.  Who needs a spouse?  We could marry our phones and it would be the same thing.  No wonder we are all overwhelmed. 

Heaven forbid I don't answer my phone or a text message.  I am either an asshole or I am dead.  Those are the only two explanations.  I actually respect someone who doesn't immediately answer me back....that means that they have a life like me, or they are overwhelmed like me and understand how I feel most of my life.  I just want to disappear sometimes.

Sometimes I have fantasies about what I would do to my cell phone if I could get away with it.  I imagine driving down the road and throwing it out the window, preferably into a body of water.  I imagine placing it under my tire and backing over it.  I imagine throwing it into the air and shooting it, and this one is far-fetched because I have never shot a gun and I would never have that kind of aim.  I imagine answering the phone with a Russian accent and telling them that Brittany changed her number.  I imagine throwing it into a brick wall until it shatters into a million pieces, and especially after someone has irritated me.   I imagine what it would be like to walk through the door, hang up my coat, put my keys on the hook and hit the "Messages" button and hearing everything I missed that day....it wouldn't matter because I would have accomplished what I needed to and wasn't everyone's bitch. 

Then I realize that if I did any of these things, I would cease to have human interaction and my life would fall apart.  I need a pen, a journal, a shady tree to sit underneath, and to have been born in a different era.  I hate technology and I hate being forced to adapt to this society.   I wonder if this is why I lose my phone and break it constantly.

Happy 5th Birthday, Carson and Dylan!

Dylan and Carson, March 25, 2009

About 5 years later

I can't lie.  I am struggling to write this today.  I am looking at these old pictures and I am crying.  Five years ago today changed my life and completed my family.  From the moment I found out I was having another set of twins to the moment I found out they were boys to the moment they were safely in my arms, I have loved them in a way that I cannot describe.

Carson and Dylan, you have brought Mommy so much happiness and laughter since your birth.  I couldn't ask for a sweeter and cuter pair of baby boys and I never expected you to be so perfect because I didn't think it was possible.  You are truly little gifts from God with your angel faces, your sweet dispositions and pure hearts.  No one can ever believe how easy and sweet you are. I hope you always know how much I have loved being your mommy.

Carson William, you were born my little monkey and I will always love how you have clung to me since the moment of your birth at 5 pounds, 9 ounces.  We've got a tight bond, buddy, and I have loved every moment with you. You're a tough little dude with a smile that melts me and a little heart of gold.  I am so proud of you and I won't ever forget how wonderful the past five years has been with you. You're a good little brother, a good son, an obedient child with a loud conscience, and a very sweet, sweet boy.  You turn me to mush and I know you always will.

Dylan Matthew, Chillin' Dylan, Dylie Bear.....you are my creature of habit and my little ball of passion.  I will never forget how beautiful you were, all 6 pounds, 14 ounces.....and SWEET.  You couldn't have been a more agreeable baby and you've remained easy and happy.  You have developed a hilarious sense of humor and an adorable voice...everyone falls in love with you because you have a cheerfulness about you that I hope always stays.  I remember you getting attached to Bo, then Lightening Q'eeeeen, your cross, your Panna.....now Superman.  You are all about having buddies and it's so adorable. I love your passion and imagination, baby boy. You're so clever and creative, I eat it up every day. You love to snuggle like your brother and I am not sure I have seen a more affectionate pair.

I know you won't always be babies, but you will always be MY babies, forever.  Mama loves you!  I can't believe you're five.  I am happy and sad at the same time.  I love you so much.

What Age Five Means to a Mother

My boys are turning five tomorrow.  I am happy because I couldn't ask for better boys, but I can't lie...my heart is breaking.  In the time that they were born to now, is the time that Lindsey and Logan will be gone, and I feel like I just had these babies.  When I had them, I sucked every second I could out of them because I knew it would fly by, and contrary to what I wanted to do, which is freeze time, it's flown by.

Five means more independence, and to a mother who loves to nurture and love on babies, it's kinda rough to accept that they are growing up and don't need me for everything.  Plus, I won't be doing this again....they are my last.

It's a blessing; I have been blessed.  But it's bittersweet when your baby isn't a baby anymore.

Buzz Feed Quizzes

Lately everyone loves to take these Buzz Feed quizzes and post their results on Facebook; I will admit that I have been guilty of taking a few myself. I've seen the following: "Which Female Comedian Would You Be",  "Which Old Hollywood Celebrity Would You Be",  ""What Is Your Dream Career", "Who Would Play You In a Film", "Which State Should You Really Live In", "Which Rock Star Should You Hook Up With", "Who Is Your Perfect Match".....and they're cute. They really are.  But they are getting a little out of hand.  I saw one called "Which Disneyland Roller Coaster Would You Be".  What's next?  Which STD Would You Be?  Which brand of Toilet Bowl cleaner?  Which Kind of Road Kill?

Come on now.  I know we feel the need to spend all day every day identifying, labeling and branding ourselves on social media, but some of these are just ridiculous.

The one I wish I wouldn't have taken, and I even KNEW I shouldn't have taken, was "Which Biblical Heroine Would You Be?"  I was crossing my fingers thinking "Please don't get Mary Magdalene.  Please don't get Mary Magdalene."  No.  I didn't get Mary Magdalene.  I got the other whore, Rahab.  I knew I would get something bad too.  Naturally, you don't get Mary when you pick Snow White for your Disney movie and "Flirt" for your characteristic.  That gets you Rahab.

Here...take it. Hope you get Mary!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ellievhall/which-bible-heroine-are-you




 

White Flag

sur·ren·der (v)

to give up, abandon, or relinquish

Look at the word SURRENDER.  I don't think that there is another word that carries a more stark contrast of emotions for me.  At first, the idea of surrendering makes me turn my nose up.  Then I think about what it can mean, and I change my mind.  

I see a lot of thrashing when I think of the word SURRENDER, which is pretty interesting.  In my mind, surrendering seems like  you're having to do something you don't want to do. To surrender, you have to relinquish power somehow. There have been times when I have released the reins from my cold, bloodless fingers out of necessity and I have felt as if my insides are violently clanging around the whole time. They are reluctant as I hold my grip and I am pissed as my fingers are pried without my consent. Or is that just being conquered?

I see something beautiful when I think of the word SURRENDER. I see someone believing in God and forfeiting his will for God's will.  I see someone knowing what's best for him or his child and letting go of desires or selfishness. I see someone trading in his wants and needs in for the people he loves.  I see someone sacrificing himself for the greater good.  I see a person letting go of baggage and becoming free and a new person because he surrenders to something better. 

Finally, I see sadness when I see the word SURRENDER.  To exhaust all of your energy and resources while fighting for something or someone you loved or cared about because hope has evaporated....is there anything more sad?  Not to me.  Giving up on something you fought for is gut-wrenching.  Becoming so drained physically, emotionally and mentally that you no longer can fight, is sad.  


When I get to the point where I am lifeless on the ground, my fingers are so flaccid that someone can just walk over and take the reins without a fight, that is truly the saddest moment in my life. First of all, because I am the type of person who fights to the death.  Secondly, because I realize there was never hope to begin with.  I was never going to win, I was never going to succeed.  Worst of all, whoever or whatever I was fighting for no longer has me as a protector and soldier because I have given up. To go even further, what if the person doesn't even care that you have given up?  Then it proves that every battle was fought in vain and you are on the ground, having wasted your energy on something that didn't matter and wasn't ever going to.

Brittany's Inferno

Have you ever wondered what your own personal Hell would look like?  I have and it would go something like this:

• I'd be forced to sit in front of a huge screen and watch a slideshow of all of the Selfies that didn't quite turn out.

• Pitbull would play on repeat....like for eternity.  Let that sink in for a moment.

• I would be strapped to a chair with my eyes pinned open like in A Clockwork Orange and have to watch every moment that I hurt someone in my life. Their sad faces and emotions would be there for me to see.

• I would have orgasm-less sex with guys who look like this: 

• The only plant in existence would be a Lotus Pod. I get itchy just thinking about that.Do you know what hell I went through just Googling and posting this???

• First I would have to get a really fat ass.  Then I would be forced to do naked squats in front of the mirror.

• Someone who I don't like on Earth would ask me the same question over and over and over and over again.

• My only company would be belligerent idiots with the IQ's of monkeys.

• I would be stinky and hairy.

• The only food would be McDonald's. 

Metaphorically Dreaming

I just woke up from a nightmare.  I was walking and all of a sudden, everything started crashing down around me.....only me. When the glass finally stopped shattering, I found myself standing in the middle of a huge pool of glass, inches deep, feet wide, completely surrounding me.  Everyone was screaming at me not to move because it would spray everywhere if I even tried, so I was stranded. No matter what I did, I was going to get cut.  I looked up and the person I thought would come get me, didn't.  As soon as I saw that, a dog unknowingly jumped in and started spraying the glass everywhere. It started hitting and cutting me. Then I woke up sweating. 

Talk about dreaming in metaphors, right? I am most certainly a writer. In reality, it's silly. Metaphorically, I'd say it's a significant dream.  

Weekend Recap

I had such a busy weekend.  I really didn't get anything accomplished.  But I took pictures!


Lindsey's Dance Competition, GROOVE, in Jonesboro.......

St. Patrick's Day celebration at Donavan's.......oh, and I was wearing a white tank because my heels were green.  Today I have a shirt on. :)

My shirt today has hidden words in it. I love it! I think it's so cute. 

Flashback Friday-Girl Talk

I have mentioned this before, but I used to babysit for the Violent Femmes drummer's kids.  I was 12.  I remember their mother being awesome and the kids were adorable.  The oldest boy was on my brother's soccer team; his name is Mal.  He is in the band Langhorne Slim now.  They are awesome, if you haven't checked them out yet.

Anyway, I remember babysitting them and being paid in TOYS!  Ms. DeLorenzo took me to
Toys "R" Us and this is what I remember picking.....

Is this not the MOST ridiculous and awful game you have ever seen in your life for a young girl?  I remember setting up a pink tent made of sheets in my room and playing this with my girlfriend, Katie.  Look at the plastic pieces in the second picture. I think you plugged those plastic pieces into a machine like playing cards? I don't remember exactly. Look at them closely.....there are nerds, hot guys, hot chicks, etc., and look at their interests!!!!  Stephanie like jewelry and shopping...pretty sure I wanted to be her.  The nerdy looking girl named Gert likes Latin and Algebra.  I remember liking Brad, who likes surfing and James Dean, he was probably also an idiot.  The game had a phone and you called people. It talked back to you. Is it just me who thinks this is extremely creepy?  Talk about teaching a child about stereotypes.  Nerds go with nerds, popular people don't mix with nerds.....

Terrible GAME!!!!

They actually put "Just For Girls" on the box.  Ummmm I hope so.

WTF?

A Note to My Girlfriends...I love you!

These are the types of notes I get from MY girlfriends. How could I say I don't like girls?

Women who hate other women are missing out.  While it is true that I have a lot of guy friends, I also have a lot of really awesome girlfriends, and most, I have had since I was a child or teenager.  I would take a bullet for them and there isn’t anything they wouldn’t do for me. My friendships look a lot like Band of Brothers, but instead of grenades and blood, there are like coffee shops and pedicures and sushi and martinis and lots of laughing in my series.  Part of the reason I have good female relationships is because I am not friends with little girls who are catty and jealous, but women, who lift me up and love me no matter what I do or how badly I fail.  I do the same for them.  I love them unconditionally.   So I guess in a sense, I don’t like “Girls” but I prefer “Women” who grew up and understand the importance of having other women in their lives.

A few weeks ago, I was in Tampa with my friend, Kellie, and I said something to her.  I said "You know what I just realized?  You guys (my girlfriends) are the only things I have never questioned leaving or changing in my life" and it's true.   I don't know why I am so blessed with such amazing women, but really for me, I don't experience a lot of crappy, catty girls, but I am blessed with wonderful women.

Women shouldn't be competing, but loving each other.  You can't love someone else if you secretly hope that the other gets fat or trips on her heels.  Women like that will always be bitter and alone.  I don't really know people like that and if I see one, I run.

To all of my AMAZING female friends, I just wanted to take today to say THANK YOU! I will always be there for you as you're always there for me.

-Britt

Writer's Block

It is so bizarre to me that I have nothing to say right now and haven't for a few days.  There are things that I could talk about that are somewhat on my mind, but I am not sure that I want to share them, and that's even more bizarre.  For me to want to stay quiet and hoard my thoughts and feelings is rare.  There isn't anything wrong, I am not feeling overly passionate about anything, and I am not even upset about being kind of stale and stagnant right now. I am smiling, content, and not really about anything in particular.  For someone who rides highs and lows nearly every week, this is an odd feeling.  I feel like I could sit down with someone and not say a word.  I would actually not have anything to say this week, except the following....

Where the hell is that Malaysian plane and how can one hour from a time change make me so tired?

I don't have answers to either. I guess it's consuming me.

Pictures! Saturday With the Boys

Mama, don't take my Kodachrome away.