I have heard and I believe that solitude is a blessing, which is why on my weekends without the kids, I try to spend quite a bit of time alone. It was easy to do so this weekend, since I sprained my ankle on Saturday. I watched movies, took naps, and read books.
It really isn't natural for me to be by myself because I tend to be such a social creature, but maybe that's why it's so important for me to be alone sometimes. Maybe I tolerate noise because I am so noisy. To sit and be quiet with God, that's the moment when you hear him the most, and sometimes it's also when you feel how raw your pain is or you have to sit and deal with crap....you can't find loud enough disturbances to distract you, so you hear your fears and your hopes and what you want and don't want. And aren't these the things you should take to God? I am often driven to distraction and don't like to sit with the uncomfortableness of processing awful feelings. I have had a lot to process this year, and I think I am ready to move on. Plus, you always feel refreshed and focused when you accept this quiet time.
I finally watched "The Perks of Being a Wallflower"; good movie if you haven't seen it. Between that and a few other movies that I watched, I realize that I have found an issue that I am just not sure if I have the answer.....
One of the characters in the movie asks "Why do good people choose the wrong people to love?" And the other character says "People accept the love they think they deserve."
Ok, so I see this. I really do, but part of me wonders if it's a crock of crap. If you believe that you don't deserve any better than a person who treats you like crap, ok, then I guess you won't take anything else better even if it's in front of you. But if that were true, then wouldn't the "crappy" person never wind up with the "good" one? If this statement is true, then who are we talking about? Certainly we aren't calling the wrong people "Bad", right? Doesn't everyone deserve love? If you are with someone who treats you crappy, then are you suppressing the fact that you think you don't really deserve any better? And how do you know? Maybe it's something else.....
Here's where I am confused....I don't love to get things back, and I certainly haven't expected to be in a relationship with a person exactly like me. Isn't that the way it should be? I guess I messed up when I was younger by deciding to love the people who needed love the most. I guess I screwed up when I loved people who maybe really didn't believe that they deserved to be loved. And maybe someone would tell me that I don't think I deserve to be loved. Well, maybe I don't and I am not acknowledging this fact. Or maybe I have felt like the kind of love I have for someone would be best used on someone who, sadly, can't treat me correctly. I am loving and it's not conditional. If it were conditional, I would never have loved the people I have loved, because I don't feel like I have ever been treated how I have deserved to be treated. Jesus taught us to love everyone, so if you fall in love with someone you should because they are just as good as you, then aren't you loving to get back what you give? I don't understand that kind of love I guess. Which is maybe why I always love the wrong people.
I guess there are a lot of people in my life where I could say it was a waste to love them, but I won't, because I don't believe that. It's never a waste to love someone, and when you are hurt, you pick yourself up and move on. I have learned a lesson from every person I have loved, and who cares if you don't get loved back. You loved someone and you learned something about yourself. I won't lie, it would be nice if I could love someone capable of loving me.
Did God make me this way, or did someone break me? I don't know. What I do know is this....it isn't in my nature to be alone, and I really believe that it's because God made me so capable of loving, but I think right now I am supposed to love myself and my kids unconditionally. Solitude is a blessing. And I am listening to God.
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