Stairmaster Showdown

I have thought about how I am going to write this for about 24 hours now and I still don't know if I can truly describe what went down on the Stairmasters at the gym yesterday morning. I was afraid to take a video because I knew it would be wrong, and I would probably get caught, so you are just going to have to try and visualize it to the best of your ability.  This is not an exaggeration of any kind, except I realize that I am probably always seeing things about a situation that others don't, because my imagination tends to thrive in situations like this.

First of all, the Stairmasters that I am referring to are the very tall ones with complete revolving stairs.  There are three in the corner downstairs and in front of it, is a big set of mirrors.  People can see you, yet you're kind of tucked in a corner. 

So, you can go up the stairs plainly like you would any set of stairs, or you can get creative with it. I get creative....at least I thought I did until yesterday morning.  I walk up sideways, which gets your inner thigh and butt cheek, and then I switch sides.  Also, as I take steps, I like to extend my leg like a leg lift, before stepping back down on the stair.  It makes it more difficult, and you are not only doing cardio but concentrating on toning too.  You can also do it facing forward. 

Yesterday morning, there was one lady on one, I was on the one on the other side, and that left the middle machine free.  I'd been on for maybe 15 minutes when this very toned woman with her nipples completely poking out through her tank, stepped on the one in the middle.  She had a very nice body.  She was a little bigger than I would want to be, but she had a very nice and toned body.  She has ankle weights strapped to her ankles and I thought Hmmmm, there's an idea.  Look at her ass, too.  Bet it works.  So I am going sideways, kicking out my legs, the other lady on the other side is walking plain Vanilla as fast as she can, and Nips is in the middle.  All of a sudden, and I don't know when exactly this happened, it looked like we were in a Stairmaster contest.  We looked like circus freaks, or a Saturday Night Live skit.

So I had "Blurred Lines" playing through my headphones when this was going on, and it just so happened that we all looked synchronized, which was immediately entertaining to me.  So Nips starts dancing on the Stairmaster.  She is throwing her arms up, she is sliding down the banister and working her booty at the bottom, and then she does little steps at the top.  Plain Vanilla sees me walking sideways and kicking my legs out and Nips in the middle, so she decides to step up her game.  She starts doing what I am doing.  So none of us are walking straight, forward, and Nips is just going to town.  Nips is doing high leg, or knee kicks, and then little feet tricks when she lands the stairs, and then.....wait for this....she does this move at the top where she lifts her leg, and pulls it out to the side, like she is about to straddle a chair (or a guy) but over and over, switching legs.  AND she's smiling at herself in the mirror.  I'm not going to lie.  I wanted to ask her for her real name, not her stripper name, but I thought that would be rude.  (So would making it rain on her.) 

It looked like a dance off on the Stairmaster.  Nips definitely would have won, I would have come in 2nd place, and Plain Vanilla forfeited.  She gave up and got off. 

I wish I had a video.

By the way....this drives me nuts about some people who use the Stairmaster:  They bend down and put all of their weight on the machine and just move their feet.  They do nothing for themselves.  Go slower if you have to, but stand upright.  It makes me crazy.  I want to look over and say "Hey, you see those calories being counted on the machine?  Yeah, they don't mean you.  Stand up and use your freaking spine!"

I have a new obsession at Ember.  Sunday nights they have this "jam session" which is basically a group of people who get together and do acrobatic tricks.  Remember playing "airplane" with your parents?  Well, that's what this is like, but you are spun and put upside down and lifted and stretched.  I was flipped like pizza dough by one guy.  SO much fun.  I am going to get into Aerial Silk Acrobatics.  It looks like so much fun.  They have it at the place I rock climb. I also want to say I want to take pole dancing lessons, but that sounds bad and it wouldn't be at all what you think.  Actually, I will post some videos another time. 

Anyway, here are a few pictures.  They aren't the coolest things I did, but you'll get an idea of what it's about.  You have to trust the person tossing you around and you have to put your weight places where it feels unsafe.