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| Me and my fish, Sushi |
The reason I decided to write about children and excuses is because of the link below and I hope the correlation translates. This article is interesting to me on so many levels. The article says that people who are ADHD are novelty-seeking, their reward circuits are dulled, and that many people with ADHD grow out of it. I have often said that I have learned to manage my ADD without medication and sometimes I feel like I have grown out of it....that is, until I am doing something that I really hate or I get too overwhelmed.
Sometimes excuses really aren't excuses....
I always hated when authority figures said "stop making excuses" to me whenever I was explaining my side of something when I was a kid. In my mind, if I had a reason for not wanting to do something or for not having done it, etc, it was just that....a reason, not an excuse.
I think there were two problems:
1. I believed I was participating in more of a democracy than a dictatorship.
2. I really did not understand why I wasn't allowed to have a reason for doing something or not doing something because it seemed only logical that any result required an action of some kind first. Why and how would that immediately become an excuse? Just because I was a kid and I wasn't allowed to think and have an opinion?
An excuse implies that you're not sorry, that you're trying to get out of something, and that you respect someone's authority only as far as they can be manipulated. The truth is, it used to aggravate me when my parents and teachers called my reasons "excuses" because what I was attempting to do was to tell them why I had failed to give a shit, not give them an excuse. I know it sounds funny, but to me, there was a distinct difference....I actually cared that I hadn't given a shit. I was trying to tell them that my screw-up had either been well thought out or completely accidental, but either way, I wasn't sure why I did what I did. I thought they wanted to understand where I was coming from because I'd assumed they cared about me, but most of all, deep down I was hoping they could shed some light about why I either didn't care about what they thought I should care about or why I'd screwed up. I felt like such a bad kid by the time I was in middle school. I wanted to be good in school and I wanted to know what my problem was and why I was bored and couldn't just shut up and do what I was supposed to do. When authority figures continued saying "stop with the excuses", I only felt like more of a failure. Eventually I just shut up and didn't bother explaining why I felt like a loser. By high school, I coasted by and only exceeded in classes I liked and I just thought I was stupid and lazy the rest of the time. The authority in my life got so angry with me because they thought I could do anything, if I would just set my mind to it....I thought "Great. How?"
Now, of course, I understand what the problem was...I couldn't set my mind to anything that didn't completely consume or stimulate me. I got into trouble for talking and goofing off every day of my life and I absolutely couldn't stay still. I either hyperfocused on something I loved or I completely checked out. I liked to work independently and didn't want someone telling me what to read and what to do and if they did, I felt like it was a drag. I liked having choices. I hated sitting for long amounts of time at someone else's mercy. I loved anything creative, I was curious, and I loved to read and write and research and work on reports (but only on topics I was curious about, of course.) I hated math. I didn't understand it, and it turns out that I was right all along....I don't need it. Why would I go into a career that required math if I hated it to begin with? I know it sounds like I was an ass, but I hated when I didn't care about something. I tried to care, but the reward for doing something I didn't like just didn't end up winning.
I grew (mostly) out of this, but these characteristics are still pretty defining in my personality. I learned what fits me and I'm finally in the perfect position and at the most perfect place I could imagine for my skills and interests. I have a great boss who believes in me and sees my abilities and even has a sense of humor regarding my tendency to be an ass. He recognizes when I need to be challenged even before I do. I'm given direction, I'm not made to feel stupid when I ask a question, and I'm pushed to my potential....potential that I can't even see most of the time and never have. I am guided but not micromanaged and I'm trusted and not treated like a child. I'm given the freedom to analyze and do what I love.
My point of writing about this is:
Pay attention to these kids who seem to flippantly disregard you. Not every child learns the same way and these kids often feel bad about themselves eventually. They may feel frustrated inside and they can't tell you, but they may be trying. An excuse is bullcrap to shut someone up, but a reason could very well be a conversation starter. Sometimes kids can look disrespectful and rude, but sometimes they are inadvertently needing something from you and don't know how to ask you for it.
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