1. Our hair gets stuck in our lip gloss when the wind blows. This is beyond irritating. Lip gloss is pretty, but this is annoying.
2. Leg Hair. A smooth leg is something we even enjoy. Prickly legs are disgusting. But did you know that when we get cold, we get Goosebumps, and then we have to shave again? The worst is when you get out of the shower and freeze your ass off after you JUST shaved. FAIL.
3. Headband Headaches. Headbands are much like a hat is for a guy; it's sort of a commitment. Once you wear a hat, you will have hat hair if you take it off, right? It's the same thing for girls with headbands, except that they give us migraines on top of bad hair, so it's worse. Also, you can't wear sunglasses if you commit to a headband because they literally won't both go on at the same time. So if you wear a headband, your choice is this: You have committed to an entire day of squinting, and you will get a headache that if you try to relieve, will result in the funkiest hair ever. Good thing I have one on....oweeeee.
4. Pantylines. You know, it's not that big of a deal when you're my age; I know how to handle this. I'm a big girl. Thongs really are the best solution. In fact, I wish I had invented the thong. However, at one point in our lives, we had to make a choice to get used to a permanent wedgie. You guys just don't know the little things that we decide to do, in order to be pretty for you. Ok, and for other girls, and yes, for ourselves. We have to make a million decisions in the morning, just to get dressed. I hope you appreciate it.
5. Five lbs of Water Weight. One week out of every month, we get to feel fat no matter what we do. The crappiest part about this is that when this wonderful thing called our period goes away, we're old, and we really will be fat. Good thing we're bitches this entire week. You guys deserve it for getting out of this one.
6. If we act like men, we're bitches. Now I want to use Hillary Clinton as an example of this because I am trying to paint a picture. Bear with me. I know she really does seem like a bitch, but here's the thing.....Imagine this little girl, Hillary. Hillary is swinging on a tire swing, gazing up at the branches and thinking about who she's going to become one day. She has big dreams; she wants to be powerful and she wants to make a difference in the world. Then little Hillary grows up and finds out that if she accomplishes what she wants to, people will call her a "bitch". OR, she can be nice, she could be a whore, and sleep her way to the top. So she marries Bill, becomes First Lady, and then Monica Lewinski proves her theory to be right. We call Little Hillary a bitch, but meanwhile, Monica gave a blow job and got her own line of handbags. I mean, are you seeing this clearly, at least in this moment? I'd be pissed off if I were Hillary, not because my husband cheated on me, but because I was the "bitch" who forgave him. When she forgave him, she proved to be just a girl, one who is just as sentimental as the rest of us girls. And her theory about sleeping to the top? It was TRUE! Monica, you SUCK! Still! Like 15 years later and I still think you suck. Hillary, bitch on. At least you aren't a tramp.
7. Dressing Rooms Make Us Sick. It doesn't matter how good you look or how tiny you are, every girl usually despises a dressing room, unless it's Hollister because it's dark. (Which doesn't make any sense, by the way, because the clothes at Hollister are tiny and they're for young people who don't have any flaws at all.) Stores should hang a disclaimer outside fitting rooms saying that the lighting and mirrors add 25 pounds to your body, even if it's a lie, because some girls pretty much become anorexic for an entire week after trying on clothes. I was pretty much dieting over the weekend and I just bought 0's and 2's on Friday. Seriously. Messed up. Someone needs to fix this. It jacks my head up.
8. Other Girls. You know that song "99 problems but a bitch ain't one?" Well, maybe that's true for you, but for us, there's usually some girl making us unhappy. If a girl isn't making you unhappy, you're probably the bitch and you just don't know it.
9. We Worry SO Much. We are definitely "controllers of our environment". We need security in all kinds of ways. Every girl I talk to, when I really listen, what I hear is her need to feel secure. We worry so much as a result of this. All we want is to know someone loves us, that everything will be ok, and that someone understands. It's a powerful thing, guys, if you know this about us. Next time your girl is upset, think "What's she feeling insecure about?" I swear, it will probably help you out.
10. We love YOU. Obviously, right now, I am talking about heterosexual girls....we love you, men. And you break our hearts. This is not always your fault; sometimes we break our own hearts. But we love you no matter what. We give you so many excuses to be little boys, and what we really want is to be loved and we want you to care, and to show us that you care. I have no doubt that that's what you guys want too, but you should allow us to love you then. We really are pretty smart. If you have a girl who loves you, don't take it for granted. Love her, because you may regret it when she's gone.
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