Up In Flames

Have you ever been consumed by a feeling and then one day something happens and it's just gone and you can't explain what happened?  How does a feeling that has been so powerful and consuming for an extended period of time just go up in flames and disappear?  How does something so powerful that it's brought you to tears turn into a complete lack of feeling?  You feel nothing, almost to the point that you don't even feel like talking about it because you're so tired and bored of the topic.  I can say that this is almost always how I get over things...over night, well, sort of over night.  The process is so grueling and draining and then for no apparent reason different than any other reason I could have chosen throughout the process, I am just done. It's almost like this: I am standing in a field being swarmed by bees.  I am crying and freaking out and swatting at them but I refuse to run away, and then all of a sudden, with no warning, I stand there, not phased or feeling anything.  It's crazy.  It's like, I am the most passionate person about a subject and then I become completely numb and unaffected.  My white flag goes up and I just don't care anymore.  I guess I always come to realize that God is the only one in control and life just isn't fair.  Sometimes you can love, and it isn't enough.  Sometimes you can fear, and things will still happen.  Sometimes you can do everything right, and you aren't right.  Sometimes you can hold onto something, and then it lets go of you.  And thankfully it does because I feel like I would always be sad if I kept caring about things that don't care back. 

I remember talking to someone about this a year ago.  He was recalling the moment he knew he had completely checked out of his relationship.  His wife was screaming at him and he actually reached down and picked something up off of the carpet and looked at it and threw it away.  And that was it.  He had become apathetic.  No amount of screaming, name calling, begging, I love you's, I hate you's,  mattered or would have changed the outcome.  The outcome?  He was gone. 

I have always said this and it's 100% true.... I have the longest fuse in the world but when I am done, I am done.  Of course, no one has believed me yet.  I find this disturbing about myself.  I am passionate beyond belief.  If I love you, there's nothing I won't do for you.  And when I don't love you anymore, you can't even get me to yell at you.  I care that little.  One of the most fearful moments in my life has always been when explaining to a person that they are going to lose me because I know that it'll be beyond my control.  I can't fake my heart and I refuse to try. 

Maybe we're all like this and no one admits it.  Otherwise how would any of us heal?  We wouldn't end things to begin with, much less start something new. 

There's a Coldplay song called "Up In Flames" and at the end he says "Can we out some water on it?"  And too many times, I have heard the answer....No.