Angels and Underwear

Since I was a little girl, writing has been the way I deal with things and sort my feelings; it’s how I heal and move on.  It’s really the only true conduit for my emotions because it’s the only way I speak without getting excited and distracted. I feel like people fully understand what’s in my heart by what I put on paper.  Today I have so much to let go of and I have gotten a little sleep, so I am attempting to speak eloquently….it may not happen. 

The first thing that I want everyone to know is how filled with love my heart is.  It’s filled with joy, gratitude, and peace.  God is all around me and has been since the moment I woke up in that house.  I had no idea how many people cared about me and my children.  The phone calls, the messages on Facebook, the sites that were created on my behalf, the visits, the drop-offs…..I am just overwhelmed with love.  It’s unbelievable.  I want everyone to know that I am feeling peace during this very difficult and traumatic time and it is totally due to all of you.  It was a horrible thing that happened, but I can’t take it back and I wouldn’t at this point, because I am changed forever.  Never have I ever felt so blessed.  There isn’t a way for me to repay any of you except to tell you that I am thankful beyond what I can describe and when I get on my feet, I will always pay it forward, every day.  I have at times been a very trusting girl, even when I shouldn't be.  I have struggled to see the bad in people because I love seeing the good.  All I see this week is good.  It's so freaking awesome. 

It wasn't luck, it was God

When I stood outside of the house, the firemen kept asking me what woke me.  I said “Something, but I can’t remember.  There was something but I can’t remember what it was.” All I knew is that not ONE smoke detector went off and it was quiet except for the crackling and banging in the attic.  I remembered later that day what woke me.  I had been sleeping for maybe 30 minutes and a feeling woke me.  Nothing else.  A feeling and a voice within me saying exactly this: Brittany, get up.  Brittany, wake up NOW.  That isn’t the cat, it’s something else.  Wake up now!  I felt this intense fear before I woke up and that feeling is what woke me.  I wish I could describe how scary it was to be half-asleep and to have seen what I saw.  It was terrifying to be so confused and to try to make sense of it.  I realize that maybe I have never been scared in my life, because I have never felt fear like this in my life.  When I was alert, I heard bangs above me in the ceiling. I can’t get the sounds out of my head.  They were so violent.  Now I realize that the noises I heard were the beams falling down above me.  I smelled something, I ran down the hall to find smoke and all I could think was to get to the boys’ room.  I looked to my left and the bathroom door was ajar and I thought the light was on.  I realize now, the house was dark.  The only light I saw in the bathroom was fire and I didn’t realize it.  Sparks were spraying into the hallway between me and the boys’ doorway and I wanted to get through them.  Then I remembered I was alone.  I ran back to my room to the Brinks keypad to hit the fire button, but nothing was lit.  I considered grabbing pants and thought “Screw it.  No pants.  RUN.”  I ran down the stairs and out the front door.  I got out the door and realized that I had forgotten my cell phone. I was going to run back in for it, but I looked up and saw that my room was now lit up.  I realized I didn’t know where the fire was, and that’s when I ran to my neighbor’s house, banging on the door in my underwear and t-shirt.  It probably took 30 seconds to get out of the house.  If I had woken up 30 seconds later, I could have woken up to a completely different scene.  

Some miracles:

1. My kids were not home.  They were supposed to be.
2. I woke up even though there were no smoke detectors.
3. I forgot to pay my gas bill.  I just simply didn’t realize I had one due.  They turned the gas off the day of or the day earlier and I had no idea.  I can thank my ADD for once in my life.  It COULD have been worse, perhaps, had I paid that bill.  I have never had my gas turned off.
4. I have deadbolt locks on the inside of the house.  I hadn’t locked it that night and later when the firemen needed to move my car, the keys were not on the hook where they usually are.  They were somewhere upstairs but I couldn’t remember where.  Imagine if I would've had to run back in to look for my keys, or been locked inside the house. 
5. I got rid of Chipper, my cat, the Monday before because I thought he would be happier somewhere else.

ADD on ROIDS.

To anyone who knows what displacement feels like, you know that you don't function correctly.  Everything that I usually struggle with is 50 times harder and I am just hanging in there and taking one day at a time.  I have a hard time focusing and being everywhere I need to be normally, so my ADD is really kicking my butt right now.  I feel like I am on sensory overload and it takes me so much longer to process a simple thought right now.  I even have a kidney infection because drinking water is pretty much impossible for me to remember to do.  If it weren't for my family, friends and community, I would just curl up into a ball and shake.   I went to work today which was very difficult.  I wasn't exactly thinking about anything, but my brain didn't feel connected to what I was doing either.  I am confused and slow and although I laugh and smile once in a while, I am also jumpy and emotionally drained.  I have little rashes under my eyes from the salt in my tears, if that tells you how much I have cried.  I am afraid to fall asleep and when I do, I have nightmares about fire.  The lack of sleep, I am sure, is making me on edge.  Today when my phone shorted out, that was enough to send me over.  Tears welled up as I stared at my phone and I wanted to punch something and scream.  I thought "Like I need this right now?"  I am not able to really see my kids right now and we miss each other.  That's the worst part about all of this.  I love them more than anything and yet, my attention has to be on everything else right now.  I went to bed one night and my life was one way and now I feel as if I have been catapulted from a cannon and into the unknown.  It will all be ok, but the process is going to be rough.  There's no way around it. 

What DO you really need?  You need underwear.

In the end, stuff is just stuff.  That's all it is.  I have told everyone close to me that when you die, you die with your tombstone.  On mine it will say "Mother, daughter, friend, sister" and that's all that counts.  You don't take your stuff with you.  I have never been materialistic, so I am alright.  However, it's weird to feel that way and then at the same time realize that you take underwear and your toothbrush and socks for granted on a daily basis.  It's strange to realize that you both do and don't need and it's even stranger to have to take a mental inventory of what goes on those two lists, all within a few days and with no warning.  I think the Beatles had it right when they said "All you need is love" except I would add "and underwear".   

All I have talked about missing (other than Dylan's bear, Bo) is my underwear.  I am obsessed with my undergarments.  And you would be too if you lost yours!  The whole thing is entertaining to my family and friends.  You see, when I was a little girl, I had a babysitter named Jennifer.  She said “Brittany, don’t ever wear ugly underwear.  I was electrocuted as a child and all I could think about when the paramedics cut my clothes off was that my underwear were embarrassingly patriotic.  They were red, white and blue.”  I have never ever forgotten that story and I took it to heart. I never wear ugly underwear.  So once I calmed down after the fire had been put out, I thought “If I had to be running around down my street in my underwear, at least they were cute!”  And they were adorable. Ha ha.  Actually, once 911 had been called, I finally my asked my neighbor for pants.  Patrick took forever to get me pants, so I kept yelling "Please!  Pants!!!"  Later, he said he thought I was yelling "Pots and pans!"  I guess he thought I was going to put out the roof with water from pots and pans. 

Where Do We Go From Here?

I am looking for temporary housing in my school district.  We will be there for about six months while my house is being rebuilt.  I am in a hotel right now while the kids stay at Don's; more stability.  My goal right now is to find a house to rent because the sooner I do that, the sooner I have my kids and can work toward normalcy.  I have to do inventory on my house and turn it into insurance, which I have heard will be the most grueling of the process.  They will then gut my house and rebuild....but I am not even thinking about that yet because I am just thinking about tomorrow.

Again.....

 Please, please, PLEASE understand how thankful I am to all of you.  With every single call, text, Facebook message, and "like", I feel support.  You have all been generous with your time, your donations and money and I will never be the same person.  From old friends to new friends to people I have never met, to local businesses, even my yoga class...I can't believe everyone who has been there for me.  Thank you. 

There really are angels among me.  Don't forget that.