Update

I am doing a lot better today. I saw my kids last night, I may have found a house, and my brain seems more on-point today. I have had a hard time at work this week because I am behind from the two days I missed last week, and I have been like “SQUIRREL!” every five seconds. If you have no idea what I am talking about, it’s from the movie “UP”. The dog, Doug, gets distracted every time he’s talking and turns and screams “SQUIRREL!” It’s pretty funny, and I relate to Doug. There is so much to do outside of work, I guess even if I “shut it off”, it seeps through.

I went in the house yesterday for the first time and I was shocked. I knew it was bad, but I can’t describe it. I knew it was bad, but I kept saying “I just want Bo (Dylan’s bear). I just want Bo.” Everyone kept telling me I wouldn’t find it. I didn’t believe them. I thought I could go in and sift through the ceiling, which was on the floor, but I didn’t realize that the mountains of crap had turned into Paper Mache. It was horrible. Not one thing can be salvaged in that room. The stench from and in the house is so bad, I can’t describe it. The only thing that I know to say is that it’s so strong that two nights ago, the neighbors called the fire department again because they swore it had started again. Five fire trucks were once again, in our cul-de-sac checking out my house. It’s a horrific smell.

I am being positive, but I need my kids. I can’t be without them anymore. This sucks. Carson and Dylan swam with me last night and Carson stayed with me. Dylan likes routine and always has, so he wanted to go back to Don’s. Carson though, he just could not get enough of me. He snuggled with me and talked and smiled nonstop….my heart melts around that kid. I am looking at a house and picking him up after I am finished. My goal today or tomorrow is to get back to the gym since I am feeling better. Thatwill be a sign that I am really doing better, when I work out.

As far as normalcy goes, I am sorry. There is none. The things that I usually write or care about are pretty much not there because I am consumed by the things going on and I apologize if you are sick of hearing about it. The process is just grueling: the emotions, the exhaustion, the ups and downs, getting into a house, renting furniture, the inventory of my house, the clean-up, all of it…it’s consuming. My sister should be here tomorrow, so that’s awesome. She is bringing my niece, Amelie. Logan and Lindsey’s birthday is on Friday, so I have to come up with something for them to celebrate turning 12. I am counting my blessings this week and just remaining as chill as possible. This will make me appreciate everything in my life so much more, and I know that. That’s what is getting me through it. And all of the prayers, I am sure.

I am still receiving so many calls and messages and donations and I once again, want to say thank you.