There is a lady in my Zumba class whom I have refrained from writing about because it seems cruel, but I can't help it now, so this means that you either get to enjoy hearing me make fun of her or you get to call me a mean bitch.
There is probably no way that I can even begin to describe this person without sounding like I am exaggerating, but I am going to try. She's probably 50, she looks like she injected MSG directly into the skin underneath her eyes, she's of Asian descent, she wears see-through shiny pants (that show her thong) and I swear there's a tramp stamp on her right wrinkled butt cheek. I know I saw it. I looked to others for confirmation, but none of the girls I was standing with wanted to look; they said it was too gross. I was mesmerized. I look at her like she's one of those 6-foot contortionists who can stuff themselves into a glass box. Mesmerizing. I have never seen anyone so bizarre and I wonder how it happened.
Anyway, she stands in front of the class and dances and shouts, but, see, this is where I can't explain it. It's the most painful "dancing" I have ever seen, and what's worse than her spastic gyrations is the fact that she goes up to people and practically humps them. She floats around the room and goes in the opposite direction from the rest of us and to this blonde right here, it makes me confuse my right from my left. She is flat-out distracting and it takes every morsel of strength that I can possibly muster to keep from laughing. I swear to you, if she humps me, I am kicking her in her tramp stamp. I'm guessing it's a butterfly.
So let's talk about Saturday. We do this cute line dance to a song about going to Louisiana. It's similar to the Cupid Shuffle. I work for a Louisiana-style restaurant and I am in charge of the social media, including our Facebook page. I thought "how cute would it be to post this dance on our page? Henry LOVES videos." So I talked to my friends in the class about doing it and one of my friends said "Don't let the weird lady hear you or she'll try to be in it!" Ok, seriously, I am not doing this lady justice. If I posted her, everyone would think that it was a joke and that the restaurant was making fun of her. I'm totally serious. It's that bad. So I walk over to the teacher and try to be discreet. I talked to her and the lady heard me. She was like PUMPED. I mean pumped, man. She was GUNG ho, going Gangnam Style. So what did this mean girl do? (I mean me.) I cut her out. I turned my entire body in front of her, cutting her out of the conversation I was having with the teacher. You know what she did? She called me out! She said "Excuse me! I am in this conversation too!" She wiggled back into the conversation. On one hand, good for her for sticking up for herself, I was really being a bitch. But then again, really? You just invited yourself into this conversation and I wasn't inviting you to be filmed for a video, which was my idea, for MY job. Do you work there? No. Over my lifeless body will you participate. Yes, I was being a mean girl, but she shouldn't assume that I want her to participate. I surely don't want her humping people in the video. I don't think that it would be in good taste. Anyway, I turned to the teacher and said "Never mind. Can I get your number and we'll plan another time to do it?" The teacher said yes and I got her number. One of my friends in the class said she has a plan for if the crazy lady shows up. She said that she's going to say "You have to sign a waiver, and she doesn't have anymore, so sorry."
It's like the 4th grade all over again except we're excluding a crazy old lady who humps people, wears see-through clothing and dances spastically to Pit Bull.
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