Why Cheating Is Worse Than the Uncomfortable Talk

Cheating is bad.  Really bad.  Duh.  But here's my opinion....so are all of the other crappy things you do to break a marriage and I don't think that you should ignore any aspect of your relationship, especially communicating about all of these things that usually happen before the cheating happens. Cheating is usually a side effect that exists because other issues are being neglected (unless you are just a whore or don't have any business "committing" to someone).  You have to talk about everything even if you are afraid you will hurt someone's feelings.  If you cheat on the person, you will hurt the person more than if you tell them you're thinking about it.  Even if you had valid or understandable reasons for straying, well, guess what...they no longer matter.  You cheated, you lose, that's the way people see it. 

Establishing a Trust Tree

I think of Will Ferrell in Old School when he's in the counselor's office after he went streaking up the quad and to the gymnasium.  They are in the "trust tree" and he is talking about not knowing if he should have gotten married.  He says he was wondering what kind of panties the Olive Garden waitress was wearing.  Naturally, his bride is appalled and I am pretty sure he got kicked out for it.  This is funny, but seriously, why can't you be honest?  Now I will admit, it's risky...not everyone is enlightened and not everyone views relationships the same way I do, a path of truth seeking and closeness....so you may cause WW3.  Actually, I am pretty sure I have caused WW3 in the past. I know I definitely came to my exes with serious concerns and sometimes I felt better and sometimes I didn't.  Probably the worst and hardest to swallow, I said to an ex-boyfriend "Do you ever get sad that you'll never get butterflies again or have a first kiss again?  I do."  Eeeek.  I was honest though. It was bothering me.  I was afraid of commitment.  But getting yelled at for it didn't make me feel better.  I just crawled into myself and did some self-loathing. The reason I felt that way is because I wasn't happy and I knew he wasn't the right person for me, and he knew that.  I can remember many, many times in my past relationships where I thought I was in a safe place and said something I thought or felt or my gosh, I remember answering questions truthfully, and I remember getting yelled at for whatever I would respond with.  I never opened up the same again and everything I said in the future, I considered the outcome before I started talking.  You really don't want to isolate people from you.  It's only fair to listen when someone has feelings or even complaints about you or your actions.  It seriously is the WORST thing you can do to your relationship.  You aren't winning by "winning" that argument and telling the person why they are wrong to feel that way about you.  You think you're winning, but you aren't. 

And when you listen, do something about it if you truly care.  I knew a girl who said her boyfriend wasn't as into sex anymore. She straight up asked him if it was because she had gained some weight, he said "that might have something to do with it."  Well, whether or not that's a dick answer, it was honest and I always respected him for it.  At least she knew how to handle it. 

Trust the Trust Tree...and if they kick you out on your ass for being honest, you were going to wind up there anyway.

I think you should always be honest.  If you aren't happy, say so.  If you need more sex, say so.  If you are pulling your weight and you feel alone or like you are dragging someone along, do something about it.  If you don't feel appreciated, say so.  I know it's easier said than done, but is it really?  There's the door. You either open it up now or sneak out the back with your girlfriend or boyfriend when you are so miserable that you start making bad decisions.  If you can't be honest, then what kind of relationship are you in?  If you are being neglected and ignored or getting yelled at for having feelings, then what the hell is the point of being in a relationship to begin with? You may as well be alone.  I'm not suggesting that you behave in an insensitive or illogical or emotional manner...think about your feelings, sit on them for a minute, be articulate and be very clear about what you want and need and what your concerns are.  But be honest. 

By the way, if anyone wonders why I am single, this right here is why.  I am never dealing with filtered bullshit, ever again, but a lot of people don't want that kind of relationship or honesty...at least it seems that way. There are so many games and crap involved in relationships and I'm holding out for something real where I don't have to apologize for who I am. I have a hard time stomaching the idea of being fake with someone, honestly. If I am ever in a relationship again, if a guy is honest,  he will have my heart and my respect.  I am a big girl, I will try to do my best with any piece of painful information he has because I can see the big picture, even if it takes a second.  But if I can't be honest without someone yelling at me or taking my feelings personally when I'm going out of my way to be mindful of their feelings, well, I guess I would rather be alone. I am better off not worrying about upsetting someone. I think when you are in a relationship, you should be best friends and feel comfortable, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation is. If I am ever in a relationship where I feel like I want to cheat, I plan on saying "Hey, I am really confused and thinking about cheating on you. I'm thinking that might mean I'm not happy. Can we do something about this?"  What's so wrong with that?  I mean it sucks, but it's better, right? 

If you let things go, they fester and then you lose your footing....especially where pheromones and lust are concerned. Then you slip, and you're not the only person that will get hurt.