Before reading this, understand that I am not referring to my marriage and divorce here in this post. Marriage and divorce are so much more complicated and going through a divorce no matter which side you are on just straight up sucks and the grieving process is not like a break-up when you are never married. The death of a marriage is worse than you can imagine, even if you are polite about it.
So now that I said this, I have to say something less than flattering about myself, but it is the truth and I may or may not be unique....not a single time that I ever broke up with anyone did I ever cry or feel an emotion of any kind except relief and the desire to celebrate my freedom. I realize that it's because when I get to the point when I am done, what it really means is that I have been done for a while and I just didn't break up with the person until I was past the point that I cared anymore...but still, I felt nothing in what I guess was a delicate situation. I would say a situation where a guy is crying and begging and pleading for you to love him again is delicate, right? I have felt nothing when this has happened....not anger, not resentment, not guilt, not love, not sadness, not mercy, just absolute indifference. I didn't even feel the urge to say "You should've listened to me" because even that would have taken too much effort or thought for a person who just simply didn't matter to me anymore. My attitude was that they treated me badly, so oh well, they made their bed and they have to lay in it and watch me live my life, which will be more awesome without them in it. I didn't ever feel like I should have to explain again why I was done because I had already said it 4,000 times during the relationship. I couldn't understand why they seemed so surprised that I didn't love them anymore since I had warned them every time they hurt me that one day I would feel nothing and I would walk out with no expression on my face. And for how sweet I can be, I have to admit, that is creepy.
The bad thing about indifference is that you come off as cold (but you aren't even that warm, honestly) and when you end something with someone, you need to be compassionate even if you really don't care. Why? Because they still do. I broke up with one guy on the phone. He sent me flowers with a bear in it, which I ended up running over with a car while my friends and I laughed. I broke up with one person by walking over to a payphone and telling someone to pick me up....he didn't even get the two words he deserved. In fact, the only thing he got was a U-Haul out front and getting dragged across the floor as he clung to my ankles, begging me to forgive him. I never said one word and the only noise that was made over his crying was the door slamming behind my ass.
Why am I writing this? For two reasons....
1.) It really doesn't matter who is at fault because in the end, we should all try to empathize and be more compassionate.
and
2.) To warn people to take care of the people they are in relationships with. Love is a gift and you don't want to push someone to the point of indifference. They can't help it when they go ignored that long.
The truth is, I never understood how it felt to be on the losing end of a break-up. I had never been left, broken up with and I had never had my heart broken. Once I finally experienced my heart being broken, I finally understood how my ex-boyfriends felt, regardless of whether they deserved me leaving them or not. What I told myself when I broke up with someone is "Why is he angry? He is the one who screwed up. Why should I have to deal with his anger, after everything else???" Now I understand that anger comes from the frustration that you love someone who refuses to love you back or who is incapable. I told myself "He should have listened. I warned him." Yes, but people aren't perfect and unfortunately, knowing that they screwed up only makes them feel crappier because they realize that they could have stopped it from happening. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. I told myself "He doesn't love me, if he did, he never would have treated me badly." This is true and yes, I totally deserved better, but now I feel compassion for people who don't know how to love rather than completely disregarding the effed-up feelings they do have. I am thankful that I know what love is and that I know how to love wholeheartedly. How horrible would it be to be self-destructive and to destroy things you love?
What I have learned is that the heart is delicate and I will forever be careful when I have one in my hands. If I don't feel the same way, I will never let it go far. If I need to end things, I will never do it over the phone, by text or by post-it. (Sex and the City reference, lol.) I will always try to understand that regardless of my beliefs or reasons for ending something, another person is hurting, that it is a delicate situation, and that it really does hurt like hell to be heart broken.
If you have been given the blessing of love, treat it with care. Don't assume that it will always be there. Once a person becomes indifferent, they can't come back to you even if they wish they could. Trust me. I love with everything I have, and I have been there....cold, expressionless, without even the desire to say "Screw you."
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