First, let’s just be real, admit one thing, and then move on…..While
sex is not PURELY physical because it is also a means for emotional and mental
connectivity, it is about as physical an act as you can imagine. Are you ever closer to someone or more
vulnerable than when you are having sex?
No. It is primitive and you are
stripped down in every sense of the word, so why act like it shouldn’t have to
do anything at all with appearance and attraction? It is completely ridiculous to say that appearances
don’t matter at all during sex, even though I would admit that they aren’t
everything. Sure, you can love someone
and still want to be with them, but you live in La La Land with unicorns and leprechauns
if you adopt the attitude that your appearance doesn’t and shouldn’t matter at
all. Is that what you said on your first
date, or in that job interview? No. So it’s a slap in your significant others’
face to say “Screw you, you should love
me anyway” just like it is for the other person to not get real about why
they are sleeping on the couch or sleeping with someone else. If you shut someone down for trying to be
honest about how they feel, you are at fault just as much as someone who
attacks their spouse for being fat. Both
people have to be open, willing, sweet, and honest with each other or what the hell are
you doing together? What’s the point of
being with someone if you can’t be honest?
Before I go any further down this rabbit hole, a note to the women…..I have a lot
of guy friends and they are pretty open with me. I know one thing….they want the one they are committed to.
They want to have sex with
you. Sex is the means in which men show love...or it isn't if they sleep with a stranger, but it is with their wives and girlfriends. But you have to understand some things about men and these things, you will never change....they are
visual creatures. However, remember that they are NOT AS HARD ON US AS WE ARE ON OURSELVES.
Did you get that? That is important. They don’t need
perfection. They are also
built differently than we are.
Physically, they get wound up and grouchy if they aren’t having sex….they
can’t help it, so it's stupid to put sex at the bottom of your priorities. Lastly, take it as a
compliment when he feels comfortable coming to you with problems or concerns. If you shut him down, you are only doing three
things: telling him you don’t care about how he feels, telling him to go
elsewhere, and telling him that he’s on his own to solve the issue. Is that fair?
No. A note to the men….don’t assume we are different. I’m most certainly not. Or I am a dude. I don't know.
Ok….so most arguments happen because someone is defensive,
so your goal should always be “How can I
approach this person without making them defensive?” If you do this correctly, then it is entirely
on the other person to meet you halfway. Also, this goes without saying, but hopefully you are either practicing what you preach or willing to. What I mean is, if you are overweight and unhealthy, you'd better be talking to yourself too. I will NOT write something to serve as argument support for ANY jerk without a brain to attack their spouse. If you are not an idiot, keep reading.....
I think there are three things you should ask yourself before
approaching your significant other about his/her weight.
- Why does it bother me?
- What are my expectations?
- Am I willing to be positive and encouraging if he/she is open to losing weight?
What are some reasons (other
than physical appearance) that it should bother you?
- Their weight and lack of concern for it makes you feel like they have checked out of your relationship. If they don’t care how they look, or about their health, that can feel like they don’t care about you anymore. No one wants to feel like “Well, we are married. Guess they got me and I am stuck.” That’s a viscous way to trap someone and tie their wrists behind their back. Don't call them shallow just because you can. They may have legitimate concerns. It is good to feel comfortable in your relationship, but not too comfortable and it’s not ok to be lazy. Your spouse isn’t your mother. He/She is your spouse. You have a physical relationship. Notice the difference? If anyone wants to think something negative right now, I will take a bullet because I have felt this way before and I am not shallow. I have always put a lot of effort into my body and my health and if a guy doesn’t, it’s frustrating because I wonder why I am not worth the effort.
- It’s Unhealthy. If you choose a spouse and then they die of a heart attack three years later, I mean, that is most definitely your business. I’ll use myself as an example here….Because I am so active, I will never consider dating someone who doesn’t work out or take care of himself. Not because I am a snob, but because I am into fitness and health. I know for a fact that you feel better and have more energy when you are healthy, and this is true for EVERYONE. It would bother me and has bothered me in the past when I have been with someone who lounges around and doesn’t take care of himself. I don’t want to be a widow, and I don’t have a good time with someone who isn’t active.
- Your sex drive is higher when you are fit. (Which means that it’s lower when you aren’t.) When you feel better about yourself, you are more open to having sex and being naked. Also, your PHYSICAL DRIVE is higher. When a woman works out, she actually has better blood flow down there and ladies, not sure if you know this, but this means more orgasms. Also, the more sex you have, the more sex you want. So I mean, sex it up. Right? I can’t see this being a bad thing. Who regrets an orgasm? No one says “I wish I didn’t just have that. That sucked."
- You are a better parent and have more energy.
- Similar lifestyles promote bonding. How does it work for one person to be active and the other a couch potato? It doesn’t, because you are always doing something different which raises the chances of growing apart. Food choices, attitude about health, energy level….why pretend that this doesn’t affect your daily life and your relationship? It does. Not to mention, your sex life. Did I say that already? Oh. I did.
- Rejection. No one likes to be told no all the time and this really could happen on either side. If I am not feeling attractive, I might turn the guy down. If I am on the flip side and not attracted to the guy, then he is getting rejected. Rejection is really really bad for a relationship. It’s best to avoid this at all costs and just be honest. You could avoid a very large marriage counseling bill and divorce if you just face the issue.
What are your
expectations?
Make sure they are realistic, but don’t settle for the crap
our parents told us about getting old and fat.
We all go through changes and we all need to recognize this. However, I
will not be the girl who says that you should just give up and agree to be old
and fat. That isn’t true and if you buy
into it, you are missing out on a better body.
Men, you don’t have to have a beer belly just because you are in your 30’s
and girls, you don’t have to have that extra baby weight. You may never be the size you were pre-baby, but that's okay. He really doesn't expect that, unless he's an idiot, but he stopped reading back when I told him to. Haha. My point is, you don’t have to look like crap and feel
like garbage. You can be the best
version of yourself. Push yourself and
see where that is! Women, I think as
long as a man sees you trying, he’s going to appreciate it. Men, we are fixers. We LOVE to help. Promise.
We will help you if you are willing.
If anyone, man or woman throws
up a white flag, that’s pretty depressing. And I am also going to be that “bitch” who
says this: There is time to work out. I
have two sets of twins, I am single, I work full time. Sorry….you can do it. Make it a priority for yourself AND your
marriage. The kind of relationship I want
has nothing to do with two recliners, Diabetes and grandchildren that I am too
sick to pick up….
Be encouraging.
I would hope that anyone, man or woman, would first of all
consider how it would feel to be attacked, belittled or ridiculed. A relationship is a team, so be encouraging
and positive. I think the FIRST thing
you say when having this discussion is “I
only want you. I don’t want anyone else”.
I think if the person hears that, they are automatically going to be more
open to you because you aren’t trying to leave them.
So here we go, what we have all waited for….how do you
actually do it?
Meet Brittany.
Brittany is in a
relationship with Dude. Brittany, who at
one point could not get enough of Dude, is going to sleep early, pretending to
have migraines, and has pretty much stopped shaving her legs. She has been in denial about the way she
feels about Dude but finally acknowledges that his 50 extra pounds is really
bothering her. She finally decides that
she will grow a pair and approach Dude. “But
how?” She thinks. “I really don’t want to hurt him and make him
insecure. I really do love him.”
Brittany sits down with
Dude and holds his hand in her lap and looks him in the eyes. She says:
“Baby, I love you so
much, but lately I have really been worried about your health. If I lost you, I don’t know what I would do.
I worry about your diet and lack of exercise because it will eventually kill
you. Also, I am feeling really disconnected from you. We aren’t hanging out enough and not having
enough sex. (I would probably insert
some comments about how much I love him and miss having sex with him.) I don’t want anyone else. Lately though, I have been thinking that we
both need to be healthier. I just feel
like we would be so much closer if we did this together.”
Brittany then LISTENS
to his response.
Now assuming you have done this correctly, your significant
other shouldn’t freak out, but crazier things have happened. If he or she freaks out, say “I don’t think you heard what I said. Why don’t we regroup later” and save it
for when he or she isn’t emotional. If you can't ever regroup, then you have a problem, and it isn’t you. I would probably seek some professional help
if you can’t get through when you are no doubt, being positive and sweet. If you get a positive response, AWESOME!
Listen to his or her reaction and go from there.
Dude listens to
Brittany and therefore, she lays out a list of ideas, which let's be real....is the easy part. Once you get this far, you're pretty much in the clear.....
- She suggests that they both set a goal.
- She suggests that they join a gym, or choose some kind of means to weight loss. (Maybe you buy bikes and ride trails together? Maybe you get a trainer?)
- She suggests that they cook together and plan healthy meals. Maybe take some cooking classes?
- She shows him this website:http://lifehacker.com/go-f-king-do-it-tracks-your-goals-charges-you-real-mo-1569597336?utm_campaign=socialflow_lifehacker_facebook&utm_source=lifehacker_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow
- She tells him that their insurance rates will go down.
- She tells him that healthier bodies make more interesting sex.
- She has sex with him to thank him for listening to her. (Or maybe makes him a sandwich or something.) Sorry, am I simplifying men? ;) Do something to thank him or her for being perceptive and caring about your relationship.
Then Brittany eats
well and works out with him, encouraging him the whole way. She understands that change doesn't happen overnight and she commits to it just as she is asking him to. She shows him that he isn’t alone, but with
her. She also encourages good behavior with positive attention and when he
fails, tries to be even more encouraging.
I think that the most important thing to state is this: It
takes two people to make a relationship work and you are in the end, only able
to control yourself. To the person on
the receiving end of any discussion, know this: It is a gift for someone to
give their life, body, heart and time to you. It is not a
right. Marriage and its promises are
all-encompassing; you don’t just exclude what you want. You don’t get to get married, give up, and
blame the other person when they are wandering around feeling alone and vulnerable with plenty of other single people who would appreciate them. You also don't get to just demand a perfect body from someone. Sex is important, health is important, relationships shouldn't be a lonely death sentence. Find a healthy balance that works for you both. And although I said that sex is as PHYSICAL of an act as you can engage in, there is a lot more to it. It's how a couple emotionally, spiritually and mentally connects. If you aren't connecting and spending time together, you will grow apart. It's as simple as that.
Respect your relationship by respecting your body and respect your partner's feelings on this sensitive matter.
Respect your relationship by respecting your body and respect your partner's feelings on this sensitive matter.
