Top 6-Things Facebook Should Probably Stop Doing

1. Letting us know every time someone comments on something. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I have noticed that rather than seeing ORIGINAL posts in my feed, all I see all day is "Susie (or whoever) commented on this".  

Not only does no one care what I comment on all day long, but I also don't care what Joe Schmoe said 47 lines down in a strand about some football game that I purposely didn't comment on when it was originally posted.  I mean, EVERY time I comment on something, someone has to know about it?  No one cares. What's even worse....Facebook announces when someone comments on their own status?  Go figure!  No way!  What a coincidence that someone may eventually comment on their own status!  I MUST know what that person said!!!  No.  I don't want to know what they said.  What's changed since the FIRST time I didn't care, Facebook, and what will now make me want to start conversing on this strand?  You aren't cool anymore, Facebook.  Our grandmas have you.  Most of us don't want our activity strewn all over our friends' feeds because then it's obvious that we are in fact, tools, and don't have anything better to do....like be productive members of society.  You're a rat, Facebook. 

2. Recommending Friends. 
 

We know where to find each other.  It's not like we don't know what "networking" is.  Some people have thousands of friends by now.  If I have ignored a recommendation for two years, there's probably a reason for it.  Did you also know, Facebook, that the guy you keep recommending was also a prick and used to snap my bra and whisper perverted nothings into my ear in 9th grade Biology?  Get over it. It's never gonna happen.  We're never going to be friends.  It isn't in the stars.

3. Telling Us What Our Friends Like.  

Most of the time, we really don't give a crap.  Most of us like pages that our friends ask us to like, or we just "like" pages that pertain to us or we have an interest in; we don't like the pages you ask us to like. Facebook, you're like that annoying guy on the side of the road begging us to take one of his stupid cards that will only wind up on our floorboard because we didn't want it in the first place. By trying to get me to "like pages", the only thing you've been successful in doing is sucking the 25 seconds that my opposable thumbs had in which to quickly scan to make sure my friends and family are alive and well.  Thanks for that, Facebook.

4. Leaving out some of our friends. Who made you the party planner?  Didn't you learn after Instagram that people are looking for a way to go party somewhere else?  If I want to remove someone from my feed, I will do it myself.  I don't need your computer quantitatively removing important people (like MY SISTERS) from my feed just because they don't post often and I therefore have less contact with them than someone else. Are you our dad, Facebook?  No, back the hell up. When we selected this person as a friend, did you ever take a hint that maybe we want to know when they have something to say? 

5. Asking us questions. We don't want to give you our blood type, sexual orientation and relationship status every time we sign on.  You know, if someone is a lesbian, it's probably not changing between sign-ins.  If we do something like get a divorce, we will go in and make it known that we are on the market if that is what we want to do.  We don't need you to remind us that our status may have changed.  We know whether or not we have a boyfriend or got a new job.  We didn't just forget last Thursday and we definitely don't need you to remind us.

6. Stop being the rich douchebag who inherited the crown of Social Media. How are we supposed to spy on our mischievous, lying teenagers if they refuse to associate with you, Facebook?  You'd better do something to prove yourself or you'll soon wind up a has-been.  Like the Snap Bracelet.