Hundreds of Pieces

This is a poem I wrote about holding it together.  It is really hard being strong for everyone, but the pressures and trials and the people holding you accountable end up making you who you are and making you better.  Sometimes I want to cry because I have too much on my plate, and then I write.....

I look in the mirror, girl holding her own,
Blonde and smiling, together and sewn,
But when the lights all go out, and the chaos settles,
My fears start to flare,
I'm left naked and bare.
The pressure, the worries, the letting people down....
My mind and my heart, only making a sound.
As the sun goes down, there is no illusion.
I am not my own person, I'm nothing but fusion.
Light seeps through the cracks that's known as my skin,
My head's clear, the light's gone and it's finally dim.
I am a hundred little pieces, belonging to them,
I don't own myself, but I do not condemn.

Every day, needing more of me to give, 

I am a hundred little reasons to rise up and live...
All fragments of heartbreak and learning and aching,
My life is not mine that I'm vengefully making.

All fragments of bravery and learning to cope, 

All fragments of love and letdowns and hope.

So I keep getting up, although taking its toll,
Hundreds of pieces are making me whole.
Hundreds of pieces keeping me from shattering,
I fight to stay together, to keep the pieces from scattering.

Ebola, ISIS and Xanax

Why does everyone need to chill the F out? Because you're freaking me out. That's why. 

I have been up since 3:30 Googling the latest news on ISIS and Ebola because I woke up from a nightmare; I won't terrify you with the details but I will tell you that they weren't much different than the details of the other horrific nightmares I've had all week. I thought that digging for facts at 3 am would make me feel better rather than doing what I've been doing, which is digging my head in the sand and unfortunately still seeing crap on Facebook from those who are choosing to be informed. I was wrong. I don't feel better. I feel the same because our government is incompetent and lies to us and whether I choose to be ignorant or informed, it really doesn't matter because they're still incompetent and lie to us. Ignorance is only bliss if you don't know you're ignorant, so this doesn't really work for me because I know that the people leading us are apparently morons.  

And the anxiety is real...

I was at a charity walk on Saturday in Atlanta and I thought "I'm in a large group of people, I hope a bomb doesn't go off."  Then two nights ago, my boys started sneezing and coughing so I panicked yesterday morning because I thought of Enterovirus 68. I kept them home so I could make sure they were okay. After a hot shower and blowing their noses, I turned out to be the overbearing, neurotic mother who checked them in late.  And it's not just that. Every time I sneeze, cough or have a hunger pain, I think "Oh no, I have Ebola".  I will say, the only thing that's good about worrying about Ebola is that it makes ISIS less scary. I've actually been thinking things like "at least your death with ISIS would be quicker than your death from Ebola." 

I'm trying to be logical and manage my anxiety....now that's sad.

Typically I handle my anxiety from the news by letting everyone else worry and panic and by choosing to be a narcissist because it seems easier to worry about the things that are directly affecting me (my job, my bills, my tasks, the kids).  I usually say to myself "when it's your time, it's your time, Brittany, don't stress," but lately it's not working for whatever reason. I am never hungry, I'm not sleeping, and as much as I want to yell "Be cool, my babies, be cool" like Conan, I am not. I had the flu twice last year. Ebola? Awwww hell no! I've told my friends to just shoot me if I contract Ebola.

I've been thinking about exit strategies. I've been considering getting passports for myself and for the kids so that if there is a terrorist attack, we could go somewhere safe, but then my fears of contracting Ebola on the plane on the way there kind of outweigh my ISIS fears. What would we do on an island if we all had Ebola? Maybe staying home and buying a gun and shooting a terrorist would be better? I don't know. I've never fired a gun and I doubt that my alarm system will keep me safe.

So anyway.....

Who could benefit from Xanax and the Serenity prayer?  Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would. 

Flashback Friday-One of the best songs ever....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF9J06CAXm8

Two Girls on Halloween

There are two kinds of girls....Girls who will wear zombie paint on their face and those who won't.  What I am referring to is this past weekend....I walked around at Zombie Fest and my friend Deborah said "Look at that girl! Look at that zombie!" And although I did think they looked cool, I realized that I am unfortunately one of those girls who refuses to look scary or dead on Halloween. I'm not that cool. I realized that I've never been anything scary in my entire life. I've mentally gone back through my lifetime of costumes and I realized that nope. Never. Not once. I've always gone with cute. 

Yes, folks, I fall into the October 31st Slut Category. If my ass isn't hanging out, well then it's not Halloween. 

But let's take a moment to thank all of the Wonderwomen, the Bunny Rabbits, the Slutty Nurses, the Naked Bumblebees, the Disney Tramps, the Horny Umpires, the Naughty Schoolgirls, the Sexy Lion Tamers and the Frisky Felines.....

Without them, it most certainly would be a really freaking scary night. Imagine walking around and seeing swarms of zombies....and then here comes Ginger the Whore Clown coming out of a Quicktrip and you think "Phewww. I almost forgot. It's not real, it's just Halloween." 

On behalf of all of the girls who take advantage of this liberating holiday, I say "You're Welcome." 

Flickering Moments

Sometimes things have to end badly or they would never end. This very fact has made me so scared throughout my life. If you have a feeling that nothing lasts and if you believe everything has to end badly, then you begin to fear the inevitable pain that will follow. 

But then I grew up a little. I've learned that some people aren't supposed to be there forever. In fact, most won't be. And the only reason that things seem to end badly is because you hang onto them for too long. I've known a lot of people in my life and maybe it was silly of me to think that I would have the privilege of hanging onto them forever, but I wanted to, so I believed that I should and if I fought for them, maybe I would. My expectations have been what's really broken my heart over the years because what I should have done all along is look at the blessing that was having them in my life, if only for a moment. 

If every person has blown into my life with a lesson, I feel like inside, I need to thank them for it. There are people who have taught me about myself, about God, about my weaknesses, about my strengths, about my worth, and about love, who I want to be and what I'm capable of. There are people who have believed in me more than I have believed in myself and there are people who have kicked me in the face while I'm down only to make me stronger....and I'm sure I have taught people the same kinds of things without realizing it. I hope so. 

Thank people for letting you go and let them go. Thank them for breaking your heart and setting you free for something else.  Thank God for the miracles but the really horribly painful experiences too because they're molding you into someone who is incredibly important and someone who is teaching someone else.

Sometimes you just have to let go and realize that longevity and forever isn't always what's meant to be, but instead, what's meant to exist are these flickering shiny moments in your life. And that's freaking beautiful. 

A Note to That Guy....

I finally blocked someone yesterday because I kept getting annoyed by his pathetic advances to flirt. It just got to the point that I was embarrassed for him and I started wondering "How many times do you have to strike out to be that persistent?" My guess is a LOT. Why? Because only someone that persistent doesn't have anything to lose. They're like radical jihadists except they're trying to find a girlfriend. Blowing themselves up in the hopes of getting to see what a vagina looks like for the first time in real life is apparently no big deal. 

I was sitting at Verizon one day getting my replacement phone working, I bought an iPad, and I was there for hours because the guy who worked there also synced my computer and got some viruses off. So while the guy worked on my computer, I was on my blog on my new iPad. There was this guy who kind of congregated with us and he asked about my blog. He started reading my blog and friended me. I accepted. That was a mistake. 

So, I tried being polite but straight forward, even up until yesterday. I tried lying too and saying I had a boyfriend but then when I forgot that I was supposed to have a boyfriend and posted something about being single, I immediately got a message. So then yesterday I said that I had a new boyfriend. He said "Damn. I wanted to flirt.....so can I?" First of all, flirting serves a purpose. It's like a social signal to let someone know that you're interested. You don't ask or what's the damn point? I finally answered "I don't see what the point of flirting is when I'm not interested." Then I blocked him because it was pointless trying to be nice. 

I thought about it and feel that I should just be blunt today. Maybe guys who say they try not to be "that guy" and then no doubt, are "that guy" will benefit from hearing it straight up. Again. And again. And again. But probably not.....

Guys, here's the truth....if we aren't flirting back, please just stop. You have a lot to lose. A lot. DO NOT ask for selfies the first time you talk to us. WTF is wrong with you? When we say we have a boyfriend and you say "Damn. I wanted to flirt." And you proceed to say "So can I?" NO!!!!! My imaginary boyfriend is going to kick your sorry ass if I don't embarrass you first. Don't say things like "I miss talking to you" when the only conversation we ever had was never. I turned you down. That's hardly a conversation.  Stop being creepy, please. There are women who will take your money and have sex with you. Yeah I know it's illegal. So is being a stalker.  Most of all, stop embarrassing yourself. 

I am a mom. There is part of me that thinks about how you are someone's child and how your parents will never have grandchildren because you're so pathetic. And that's sad. But there comes a point where you're just flat out freaking ass creepy. 

Just stop it. 

Why the Thrill of the Chase is Not So Thrilling

I always hear people say that chasing a person is thrilling. Funny. I find it annoying and I always remember how annoying it is once I don't have to do it anymore.

My girlfriend and I were talking about our signs yesterday and whether or not there's any truth to them. She laughed when I said "Well I am definitely a Leo because it's no fun playing with a dead piece of meat, it's only fun playing with something that will play back with you." 

Maybe I always picture this analogy because I'm a Leo, but picture a lion....A lion in the zoo would give anything to not be handed dead meat on a platter because part of him loves the hunt.  But even when he's in the wild chasing something alive, he knows that the end result is that he wants to eat it. If he has to chase and chase something that will exhaust him to the point of starvation, he will become extremely aggravated. When he becomes aggravated, he will then just give up and go kill something else that doesn't make him irritated or feel inferior or hungry.  Lions are proud, so they don't like feeling this way.

I think people are the same way and this is why dating sucks. I talk to my friends about this all the time. Girls are told they're supposed to play hard to get because men are hunters. We say things like "Don't text him back right away!" "Don't say too much!" "Turn him down the first few times!" And men don't have it any better as far as I can see. Men are told they're supposed to play hard to get because that's what girls want. They have come to this conclusion because girls always seem to like assholes.  So before you know it, you have two people intentionally trying to be less available thinking it'll make them more appealing and then there goes the human race.

Why play games? Why not just say "This is what's up. Are you in or are you out? Wanna play?"  And then you play or go find someone more interested. I'm a real person, so I find this whole trying to be elusive when you like someone incredibly annoying. When you're a real person who is honest, you make a better mate. The problem with this is that you can't play the game to begin with, so you end up single because you suck at it and the game players end up ahead of you. 

Is it just me or is the whole thing so dumb?

So I guess my advice to my girlfriends or anyone reading is this....don't chase anyone who isn't turning around and playing back, and it's ok to let them chase you has long as you turn around and attack them again. Playing and dancing with someone is fun. Running marathons is not.