I am working on a couple pieces that are more in-depth and require a little research, so I am posting a couple of things the next couple of days. Very interesting.....
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/06/women-arent-wired-for-monogamy-and-more-myths.html
Monday, June 30, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Always (a teenage girl at heart)
If you were a teenage girl in the 90's, you either loved this song or you were cooler than we were, oh sorry, I meant lamer. You loved the video and said like I did "I wish it were a movie!" Actually, when I was in the tattoo shop for 4 hours in Charleston with Brea and Josh, Brea and I watched it while we were waiting and said "I wish it were a movie" and we squealed like we were 15 again.
For those of you who can't pull up the video because you are reading via email subscription.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BMwcO6_hyA
Another one we used to play on repeat was this one (Brea, by the way, we are really huge dorks):
It's sooooo gooooooood.
For those of you who can't pull up the video because you are reading via email subscription.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BMwcO6_hyA
Another one we used to play on repeat was this one (Brea, by the way, we are really huge dorks):
It's sooooo gooooooood.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
I'm an ENFP
 |
| It says: "The most incurably romantic and yet the hardest to win." SO TRUE!! |
Since I have been posting so much about relationships lately, I figured I would post this personality quiz for everyone to take. It's unreal how accurate it is. I am an ENFP. Extroverted (energized by social interaction), Intuitive (imaginative, focus on what might happen), Feeling (follow my heart), Prospecting (seek freedom). WELL, there's my problem and why I write about being free and the battle between my heart and my head. Oh, how I wish I could go with my brain. The link to take it is below. I pulled from the dating section of my profile, in case you don't believe me when I say I am impossible....
Dating or being in a relationship with an ENFP can be an eye-opening experience. People with this personality type are very imaginative, flexible, and enthusiastic, always coming up with new plans and ideas. Furthermore, ENFPs are very devoted and reliable partners, willing to do everything they can to make sure that the relationship is strong. That being said, every stick has two ends, and the ENFP personality type is no exception. The main problem that ENFP personalities are likely to encounter when it comes to dating and relationships, is that they may find it quite tricky to remain focused on a clear goal. ENFPs are very spontaneous—careful, long-term planning is naturally difficult for them. This weakness may complicate their dating efforts and long-term romantic relationships as other personality types may see the ENFP as inconsistent or erratic, despite the fact the ENFPs tend to take their responsibilities very seriously. That being said, the ENFPs’ devotedness comes with an important caveat. Most people with this personality type are constantly looking for new ideas and improvements; this is a great trait, but it must be kept in check when it comes to romantic relationships. Otherwise, the ENFP may start fantasizing about a better, different relationship soon after the first date or may keep pushing their long-term partner toward new things and experiments. Less mature ENFPs may constantly seek new experiences as a source of excitement, regardless of their potential consequences. If their partner does not reciprocate (and very few personality types can cope with this), the ENFP may feel unhappy and misunderstood.
ENFPs tend to be passionate and enthusiastic partners, trying really hard to make sure that the other person is happy as they shower them with affection. ENFPs also love hearing compliments, often asking for them indirectly. People with this personality type should keep this trait in check during the dating phase as it is likely to be perceived as neediness by their potential partners.
The ENFP’s partner will appreciate and enjoy the warmth and excitement that this personality type brings into the relationship. ENFPs are mysterious, idealistic, and deeply emotional; these traits not only tend to attract potential dating partners, but also keep the flame of their relationship burning for many years to come. People with the ENFP personality type are willing and able to enliven their romantic relationships in unusual and exciting ways, often surprising even their long-term partners. If an ENFP decides to commit to the relationship, their devotedness will be unshakeable.
As already mentioned, ENFPs are very emotional individuals, and this affects their romantic relationships in many ways. Some of the ENFPs’ emotions run quite close to the surface and are easily noticeable, but some are hidden very deep within their minds. This trait may surprise or even shock their partners, who may have thought they had figured everything out. ENFPs tend to be bewilderingly deep and intense individuals, and that intensity is not always apparent.
This is one of the reasons why ENFPs are often quite careful about opening up and committing to their partners; relationships mean a lot to them, and a failed relationship can hurt the ENFP immensely. They may keep asking themselves why the relationship failed when they had been trying so hard to make their partner happy. Such soul-searching can easily crush the ENFP’s self-esteem and plunge them into depression. It is crucial that the ENFP realizes that the success of the relationship is a shared responsibility and they cannot carry the weight alone.
ENFPs tend to be very imaginative and passionate lovers, always happy to explore and experiment. Traditions and schedules are an anathema to ENFPs—they would much rather do something crazy every day than agree to stick to clearly defined roles and intimacy at regular intervals. Furthermore, they can be quite perfectionistic in this area, believing that sexual interaction is something that both partners should see as a great way to share love and affection. ENFPs also tend to be fairly liberal when it comes to intimacy during the dating phase.
And apparently these are my matches....
Preferred partners: INFJ and INTJ types, as their Introversion (I) and Judging (J) traits counterbalance ENFPs’ Extraversion (E) and Prospecting (P) traits. ENFPs should be aware that it may take a while to draw these types out of their shells during the dating phase. It is quite unlikely that this will happen after one or two dates, even though the connection will probably be instantaneous.
Take it! It's really interesting.
http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
What Nice Guys Need to Consider...
This is going to be a tough blog for me to write because I am not entirely sure how comfortable I am writing about the subject. One reason I am not entirely comfortable is because I will have to divulge a lot of information about myself (as if I don't already do that enough) and the other is because I don't know if I have the answer yet or if there even is one. What I think is that maybe the answer is just a myriad of factors and situations and personality traits and backgrounds and if we just consider them, we will be more conscious of our actions, even if we don't have a definitive answer. So basically, when you read this, understand that it's a lot of hypotheticals and you can analyze them however you want. It's food for thought....
One of my friends from high school commented on a link I had posted on Facebook and said that he feels so confused about women because they seem to care about money or they always choose the jerk. He says that he has taken girls out and spent money on them, and they sometimes later divulge that they have been sleeping with someone else who treats them like crap. There was more to it, but basically, a lot of the feedback I get from the nice guys is "Wtf, you guys say you want this, but you clearly don't because you always choose the jerk." I really cannot deny that this seems to be true and it's definitely something that I have struggled with since the first time I had a boyfriend. I don't know if it's that we want to mother something (I definitely don't now that I have kids), or we want to be the one to change them (people usually don't), if we love the chase, or if we think it's what we deserve, but whatever the reason, I don't deny that it happens too often. However, I know one thing....the nice guys are complaining and the nice girls are complaining. Is there any chance that we are both guilty of the same thing, whatever it may be? Maybe you're taking the wrong girls out, girls who are not available or looking for what you are. Surely, it would make more sense, right? Or maybe it's human nature....the girls want to be conquered and the men want to conquer and it's simply a natural, animalistic trait.
Before I go further, I have to clarify one thing first......not all women care about money and they are not all bitches. I know this because I am one of those girls. I have said this before and I will say it again....I wish I could be bought. That would imply that I am using my head. Doing things that are fiscally smart would be less painful than hanging my heart out there for someone to possibly run all over. I absolutely have to have connection, passion, the THING that is just there, and if it isn't, I am just not going to go any further. I have learned that if it isn't there, it isn't there. I have, actually, given a guy a chance when it wasn't there and it was a disaster because he knew when he looked at me that I didn't love him. That never ends well.
Ok, so now I will let you into my head for a minute even though it's hard. Maybe I am not the only girl who feels this way and it will do some good and maybe guys will start asking questions as to why things are the way they are and start to feel a little better about it (or worse, I guess). I have definitely pondered why I have had so many nice guys come into my life and I haven't dated them and why I am notorious for friend-zoning. The one who commented on my post adored me back in high school and watched me date guys who either hit me or cheated on me. He wasn't the only one; it's a typical story and it's had to be frustrating to watch. After being treated badly over and over, you begin to wonder if it's a coincidence, or if you're the cause, or if you are only capable of feeling that thing with someone you either know you can't have, or someone who you know will not really do anything for you. Then you wonder if BECAUSE you loved, really loved, things changed because they knew you loved them. Then you begin to question your confidence. Maybe you think you don't deserve someone who treats you well. Maybe you fear the responsibility of having someone like that in your life because you will screw it up. Maybe you simply like the chase, (which actually sucks ass in the long run). I wondered all of these things and considered them but then I married someone who didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about me, he fell pretty quickly and he was sweet. I did not choose someone who treated me badly. I have realized in the last couple of years that it wasn't anything I was actively choosing, but I had been walking around with something on my forehead that said it was ok to be crappy to me. Now, I have completely decided that no, I don't like jerks, I do think I deserve better, and I don't like the chase. It's something else.
So what was it that started this pattern for me?
You want to know why nice guys seem to finish last? The assholes move faster. In my experience, the jerks concealed that they were jerks...they were con-artists and I was trusting. Have you ever considered this, nice guys? I think about my relationship history and with the exception of one person, every single time, I was pounced on. I NEVER once chased a guy nor did I decide to talk to them first. I never saw a guy and thought "I want to go out with him" but rather, I ended up with the one who "courted" me or fed me bullcrap. Then I fell in love, and it was too late for me to get out without any damage having been done to me, and since I tend to make decisions based on my heart, I was perfect prey for this type of guy. I was stuck...while the nice guy had been taking time to get to know me, was contemplating whether or not to kiss me, and being sensitive to whatever I was feeling and who I was, the jerk was making moves. The problem with this is that most of us (even the ones who won't admit it) prefer someone who is sexually more aggressive. THIS DOES NOT mean that we want to be abused, obviously, but we want someone who seems to know what to do with us. This starts when we are young because we don't know what the hell we are doing; we are innocent. We later mistake jerks for Alphas and then we get ourselves into trouble and our heads are jacked up. So basically what happens to some of us girls is that we are teenagers, we have one bad experience and really never know that it's not normal. From then on, our whole thought process is skewed, our standards have started out low, and we're comfortable with what is inappropriate. We almost don't know any better and it doesn't matter what people tell us. We don't know why we do what we do. THIS is why dads need guns when they have daughters. I was probably the worst teenage daughter to have because I was so trusting. I was labeled "Most Gullible" in a high school Senior Superlative, actually. I was laid back, happy, energetic and saw the good in people. I was the oldest and didn't have older siblings to talk to, and I genuinely was one of those girls who cared about the guy sitting in front of me. I have had three guys in my life threaten suicide when I have broken up with them, they hit me, and called me names. Yes, it's important to have good men in little girls' lives to counteract this, but what's weird in my situation is that I did. I had a dad who loved me, and I still wound up feeling guilty when I broke up with my boyfriends, even when they totally deserved it. My first boyfriend was perhaps the most influential person in my romantic life because I had already started making excuses for men at 16. I guess my point of divulging this to the guys who just think we are shallow enough to want to be treated like garbage, is to say that you should find out why and think about it. From the time of puberty, girls are told they are fat, they're a piece of ass, they are not good enough, and sometimes the sweetest ones are the ones who suffer the most. When I was in 8th grade, my male teacher whispered in my ear that I looked good in jeans, so trust me when I say that some of us got used to lines being crossed at a very early age. We don't know what to make of it until we are older. It's hardest for the trusting girls to bounce back from everything we are told and every hard hand that's put on them. I can tell you that although I knew it was wrong that my first boyfriend slammed my head into a wall when I was 16, it definitely left an impression on me.
There is hope though and it's this....some of us eventually learn that it sucks. We have children and get divorced and we cry and we're humiliated and tired, and we finally understand that God wants better for us and that no matter what the reason is that we wound up here, we want something different and we decide not to put up with crap anymore. But sometimes, even though we grow up and learn what we deserve, we then have this guard up and it's very hard to crack through...you can imagine why. Heartbreaks are worse for us, loving and losing is excruciating for us, and everything is analyzed and carefully executed, almost to the point that we don't even know how to move. We don't know how to trust guys, we have a hard time attaching, and when we have attached, it's harder to let go because we know it'll suck trying to let someone in because in your head, it's only going to end badly.
Ok, so that was the really hard part that I have never talked about on this blog, but maybe it'll help someone else.
Something else to consider....
I have one guy friend (who is probably the nicest guy I know) and he is always with bitchy girls. Now this could be because the good ones have turned him down (including myself) or it's simply that this is what he is attracted to or maybe they snatch the good ones up. I honestly don't have a clue. But I have seen guys chase the girls who won't give them the time of day. Hell, I have been one of those girls. Which brings me back to, is this simply part of human nature?
I have a friend who is honest, open, and totally available. We have been talking lately about this whole subject and we are convinced that guys like the chase, meaning that the nice guys who are complaining, are just as guilty. I will use myself as an example....I have not really been ready for anything with anyone in the last couple of years. Sure, I have tried, but there are too many reasons I have stayed single. My heart has been elsewhere and my head is trying to get clear and sort and analyze. I think it's pretty evident that I have my own life, a busy one, and clearly by the things I write, I am not fully ready or I go back and forth. If I were not hard to reach, I doubt people would chase me as much. Meanwhile, my girlfriend who is actively dating and open, is getting the blow-off. You're not so innocent, guys. Sorry.
The games we play are only confusing things. Being available shouldn't be a bad thing, but clearly it's not what we want because too many of us are chasing people who are not ready, nor will ever be available to us. We all like a challenge and when we don't and we truly love someone, chances are that they want more of a challenge than you are. Something common in humans is that you want what you can't have, you can't get back what you lost, and you chase the ones who run. Even in marriage, people want to be kept on their toes, and if they aren't, they become unhappy. At work, we like being challenged or we get bored. We like having something to work toward because that's just the way we are. But there comes a point where you have to say "Enough is enough" and start looking for someone who is ready like you are, who challenges you to be a better person (not someone who makes you feel like an idiot), and who cherishes you and treats you well.
A note to the single guys, please consider this when you are dealing with a girl who isn't a blank slate and we will do the same for you: We may still be learning, and yes that's frustrating. Then there are those of us who are trying every day to break bad cycles. And although you got to us when we became wiser, you also got to us when we began protecting ourselves the most. Personally, I have had my heart broken, and now my guard is up. I don't want to get my heart broken again and honestly, it can't even get broken until I am over the last blow and I don't know what the answer is to that except time and God. I have heard "I won't hurt you" before and been lied to, so it's a little difficult not to throw a wall up. I know that when I have taken it down, I have sat there totally available, telling someone I love that I will do anything for them, love them no matter how much money is in their pocket, and that it will never change, and it hasn't mattered. So I don't know. Maybe saying exactly the opposite is the only way for a someone to control their life. AND now I just talked in circles. haha. I know we have all been hurt, but don't assume that girls who keep getting hurt don't want to be with you. They might not know how yet. Being a G ain't no easy thing. Lol, ok, just lifting the mood.
It's only fitting that I quote 2Pac and then leave you with Passenger's song about human nature....
One of my friends from high school commented on a link I had posted on Facebook and said that he feels so confused about women because they seem to care about money or they always choose the jerk. He says that he has taken girls out and spent money on them, and they sometimes later divulge that they have been sleeping with someone else who treats them like crap. There was more to it, but basically, a lot of the feedback I get from the nice guys is "Wtf, you guys say you want this, but you clearly don't because you always choose the jerk." I really cannot deny that this seems to be true and it's definitely something that I have struggled with since the first time I had a boyfriend. I don't know if it's that we want to mother something (I definitely don't now that I have kids), or we want to be the one to change them (people usually don't), if we love the chase, or if we think it's what we deserve, but whatever the reason, I don't deny that it happens too often. However, I know one thing....the nice guys are complaining and the nice girls are complaining. Is there any chance that we are both guilty of the same thing, whatever it may be? Maybe you're taking the wrong girls out, girls who are not available or looking for what you are. Surely, it would make more sense, right? Or maybe it's human nature....the girls want to be conquered and the men want to conquer and it's simply a natural, animalistic trait.
Before I go further, I have to clarify one thing first......not all women care about money and they are not all bitches. I know this because I am one of those girls. I have said this before and I will say it again....I wish I could be bought. That would imply that I am using my head. Doing things that are fiscally smart would be less painful than hanging my heart out there for someone to possibly run all over. I absolutely have to have connection, passion, the THING that is just there, and if it isn't, I am just not going to go any further. I have learned that if it isn't there, it isn't there. I have, actually, given a guy a chance when it wasn't there and it was a disaster because he knew when he looked at me that I didn't love him. That never ends well.
Ok, so now I will let you into my head for a minute even though it's hard. Maybe I am not the only girl who feels this way and it will do some good and maybe guys will start asking questions as to why things are the way they are and start to feel a little better about it (or worse, I guess). I have definitely pondered why I have had so many nice guys come into my life and I haven't dated them and why I am notorious for friend-zoning. The one who commented on my post adored me back in high school and watched me date guys who either hit me or cheated on me. He wasn't the only one; it's a typical story and it's had to be frustrating to watch. After being treated badly over and over, you begin to wonder if it's a coincidence, or if you're the cause, or if you are only capable of feeling that thing with someone you either know you can't have, or someone who you know will not really do anything for you. Then you wonder if BECAUSE you loved, really loved, things changed because they knew you loved them. Then you begin to question your confidence. Maybe you think you don't deserve someone who treats you well. Maybe you fear the responsibility of having someone like that in your life because you will screw it up. Maybe you simply like the chase, (which actually sucks ass in the long run). I wondered all of these things and considered them but then I married someone who didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about me, he fell pretty quickly and he was sweet. I did not choose someone who treated me badly. I have realized in the last couple of years that it wasn't anything I was actively choosing, but I had been walking around with something on my forehead that said it was ok to be crappy to me. Now, I have completely decided that no, I don't like jerks, I do think I deserve better, and I don't like the chase. It's something else.
So what was it that started this pattern for me?
You want to know why nice guys seem to finish last? The assholes move faster. In my experience, the jerks concealed that they were jerks...they were con-artists and I was trusting. Have you ever considered this, nice guys? I think about my relationship history and with the exception of one person, every single time, I was pounced on. I NEVER once chased a guy nor did I decide to talk to them first. I never saw a guy and thought "I want to go out with him" but rather, I ended up with the one who "courted" me or fed me bullcrap. Then I fell in love, and it was too late for me to get out without any damage having been done to me, and since I tend to make decisions based on my heart, I was perfect prey for this type of guy. I was stuck...while the nice guy had been taking time to get to know me, was contemplating whether or not to kiss me, and being sensitive to whatever I was feeling and who I was, the jerk was making moves. The problem with this is that most of us (even the ones who won't admit it) prefer someone who is sexually more aggressive. THIS DOES NOT mean that we want to be abused, obviously, but we want someone who seems to know what to do with us. This starts when we are young because we don't know what the hell we are doing; we are innocent. We later mistake jerks for Alphas and then we get ourselves into trouble and our heads are jacked up. So basically what happens to some of us girls is that we are teenagers, we have one bad experience and really never know that it's not normal. From then on, our whole thought process is skewed, our standards have started out low, and we're comfortable with what is inappropriate. We almost don't know any better and it doesn't matter what people tell us. We don't know why we do what we do. THIS is why dads need guns when they have daughters. I was probably the worst teenage daughter to have because I was so trusting. I was labeled "Most Gullible" in a high school Senior Superlative, actually. I was laid back, happy, energetic and saw the good in people. I was the oldest and didn't have older siblings to talk to, and I genuinely was one of those girls who cared about the guy sitting in front of me. I have had three guys in my life threaten suicide when I have broken up with them, they hit me, and called me names. Yes, it's important to have good men in little girls' lives to counteract this, but what's weird in my situation is that I did. I had a dad who loved me, and I still wound up feeling guilty when I broke up with my boyfriends, even when they totally deserved it. My first boyfriend was perhaps the most influential person in my romantic life because I had already started making excuses for men at 16. I guess my point of divulging this to the guys who just think we are shallow enough to want to be treated like garbage, is to say that you should find out why and think about it. From the time of puberty, girls are told they are fat, they're a piece of ass, they are not good enough, and sometimes the sweetest ones are the ones who suffer the most. When I was in 8th grade, my male teacher whispered in my ear that I looked good in jeans, so trust me when I say that some of us got used to lines being crossed at a very early age. We don't know what to make of it until we are older. It's hardest for the trusting girls to bounce back from everything we are told and every hard hand that's put on them. I can tell you that although I knew it was wrong that my first boyfriend slammed my head into a wall when I was 16, it definitely left an impression on me.
There is hope though and it's this....some of us eventually learn that it sucks. We have children and get divorced and we cry and we're humiliated and tired, and we finally understand that God wants better for us and that no matter what the reason is that we wound up here, we want something different and we decide not to put up with crap anymore. But sometimes, even though we grow up and learn what we deserve, we then have this guard up and it's very hard to crack through...you can imagine why. Heartbreaks are worse for us, loving and losing is excruciating for us, and everything is analyzed and carefully executed, almost to the point that we don't even know how to move. We don't know how to trust guys, we have a hard time attaching, and when we have attached, it's harder to let go because we know it'll suck trying to let someone in because in your head, it's only going to end badly.
Ok, so that was the really hard part that I have never talked about on this blog, but maybe it'll help someone else.
Something else to consider....
I have one guy friend (who is probably the nicest guy I know) and he is always with bitchy girls. Now this could be because the good ones have turned him down (including myself) or it's simply that this is what he is attracted to or maybe they snatch the good ones up. I honestly don't have a clue. But I have seen guys chase the girls who won't give them the time of day. Hell, I have been one of those girls. Which brings me back to, is this simply part of human nature?
I have a friend who is honest, open, and totally available. We have been talking lately about this whole subject and we are convinced that guys like the chase, meaning that the nice guys who are complaining, are just as guilty. I will use myself as an example....I have not really been ready for anything with anyone in the last couple of years. Sure, I have tried, but there are too many reasons I have stayed single. My heart has been elsewhere and my head is trying to get clear and sort and analyze. I think it's pretty evident that I have my own life, a busy one, and clearly by the things I write, I am not fully ready or I go back and forth. If I were not hard to reach, I doubt people would chase me as much. Meanwhile, my girlfriend who is actively dating and open, is getting the blow-off. You're not so innocent, guys. Sorry.
The games we play are only confusing things. Being available shouldn't be a bad thing, but clearly it's not what we want because too many of us are chasing people who are not ready, nor will ever be available to us. We all like a challenge and when we don't and we truly love someone, chances are that they want more of a challenge than you are. Something common in humans is that you want what you can't have, you can't get back what you lost, and you chase the ones who run. Even in marriage, people want to be kept on their toes, and if they aren't, they become unhappy. At work, we like being challenged or we get bored. We like having something to work toward because that's just the way we are. But there comes a point where you have to say "Enough is enough" and start looking for someone who is ready like you are, who challenges you to be a better person (not someone who makes you feel like an idiot), and who cherishes you and treats you well.
A note to the single guys, please consider this when you are dealing with a girl who isn't a blank slate and we will do the same for you: We may still be learning, and yes that's frustrating. Then there are those of us who are trying every day to break bad cycles. And although you got to us when we became wiser, you also got to us when we began protecting ourselves the most. Personally, I have had my heart broken, and now my guard is up. I don't want to get my heart broken again and honestly, it can't even get broken until I am over the last blow and I don't know what the answer is to that except time and God. I have heard "I won't hurt you" before and been lied to, so it's a little difficult not to throw a wall up. I know that when I have taken it down, I have sat there totally available, telling someone I love that I will do anything for them, love them no matter how much money is in their pocket, and that it will never change, and it hasn't mattered. So I don't know. Maybe saying exactly the opposite is the only way for a someone to control their life. AND now I just talked in circles. haha. I know we have all been hurt, but don't assume that girls who keep getting hurt don't want to be with you. They might not know how yet. Being a G ain't no easy thing. Lol, ok, just lifting the mood.
It's only fitting that I quote 2Pac and then leave you with Passenger's song about human nature....
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
11 Things That a Girl Should Master (According to Guys)
Since I wrote "11 Things a Guy Should Master" last week, I decided to be fair and write one for the women. However, I am a girl, so I asked around on this one. After the dust from all of the sexual jokes settled, I finally got real feedback, and yes, some of them are still about sex. You're welcome, guys. I relayed your message. Sex is important.
- Cooking. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach". It's really simple. It's a basic need and they tend to not be as complicated as we are. They feel hunger pains, they want food, you give it to them, done. You made their life better momentarily. Go you. My boys are already like this. They always want to know when they are eating and what they're having. Before I even finish a meal, it seems they're thinking about the next one. Carson and Dylan gave me cards for Mother's Day and they said their favorite thing about me is that I make them food and I act silly. Men feel nurtured and loved when we cook for them.
- Using your brain. They appreciate a girl who can hold a conversation because it makes her more interesting and capable of being independent. They really don't want someone who thinks and acts like an imbecile. It's not a good look.
- Being polite/having manners. Also in this category, being a sweet person and having a heart and positive attitude. Even if they love you, if you're a nasty person, they will eventually get tired of it as the rest of the world does. I sometimes wonder why guys seem to love bitches, but then I remember that they end up resenting them down the road. It's not the way to go.
- Being Independent. A lot of guys say this, but in my opinion, this one is tricky. They want you to be independent, but they also want to feel needed. Well, unfortunately, with independence, you gain the ability to survive on your own. Instead of needing to feel needed, perhaps they should appreciate the fact that an independent person CHOSE them because they wanted them, not because they needed them, but I don't know. I think what this means is that they don't want you up their ass all the time, but they still like feeling important when they want to. I have asked guys and what they all say is that they love when you are independent, but don't be like "I can do it myself!" and then push them away when they try to help. I really don't know how to do a lot of "man" stuff, so I guess I could probably bank on this fact. I don't know how to change a tire, put oil in my car, I hate snaking a drain and would probably do some pretty sick stuff to get out of it, but some girls are like total bad asses and really can change a tire and mow the lawn.
- Being classy. Being classy....this can be anything from taking the high road to the way you dress. It also goes hand-in-hand with #6. They want a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. They don't want someone out acting like trash and embarrassing them, and they certainly don't want to worry about you banging their friends and getting into trouble. I am sure that some will cringe if I say this, but you're kind of representing your man when you're out. You know? And men appreciate that. I am all about being your own person and being independent, but if you are out acting like a whore, expect a guy to be embarrassed. If you are causing drama and being an ass, that's also embarrassing. Guys want to know that you can hold your own and that you are his girl. It's not sexist, it's common sense.
- Sex. No one likes feeling like they are having sex with someone who got their drink spiked with Rufinol....well, unless you're a date rapist. I mean, duh. They want you to master sex. Ground breaking. Rule #1, don't be a dead fish. Rule #2, DON'T read those stupid articles in fashion magazines written by a girl who just graduated from college and thinks she's a pro because she did too many keg stands at too many Frat parties and "the guys really liked it". You want to know the truth and get the best feedback, ask a guy.
- Blow Jobs. This blog post is slowly becoming a list of crap that we already know. This is the easiest way to make a guy happy, but you have to have a heart about it. What I mean is this...you know how you want a guy to want to do something? You don't want to have to ask him or nag him to do the dishes. You want him to want to do it because he loves you. This is no different. Want to do it, and don't stop once you get married and you've sealed the deal. That's like the ultimate betrayal to a man and one reason that guys fear committing. It gives us a bad name too. It's evil trickery.
- Look good, but be willing to get dirty. I can be pretty girly. I admit it. I like everything to match, I like even my ponytail to look good, and I love dresses. I like make-up and pink and my toes are always painted. BUT, if you are like this, don't be a pain in the ass when you are dirty. If you go camping, shut up. Everyone is dirty. You're not unique. If you get rained on, big freaking deal. You have to dry your hair because it got wet...that's what water does to hair. Divas are really obnoxious.
- Know when to shut the hell up. I have to agree with this one. Sometimes we keep talking because that's what we do and we really could just drop it and diffuse the situation, or at least give them a minute to process and assess how they feel. We are better communicators, or worse, depending on which way you look at it. Plus, I think their brains are so different than ours and they process information very methodically. I hope I'm not being condescending to men right now, but when we talk about feelings, that's intangible and they may not have ever had that emotion. So in my mind, it would be like if someone said to me "I saw a dillythumper and its color was prenuficent and then I jabberwalked it" not knowing what any of those things were, I would need a second to catch up and clarify before processing what had just happened. I think men process what we say the same way. You have to slow down, be concise, and shut up. Let them process the information or you're just a chihuahua or like one of those parents on Charlie Brown. Whuuuum whuuuum whuuuum whuuuum. You also hang yourself when you talk too much.
- Back rubs. This is totally unfair, by the way. A guy can give me a back rub and the square footage is smaller and his hands are bigger and stronger than mine, so I will never be as good at it. I am working with flimsy little appendages and like you know, 3 times as much square footage. They get tired faster and a man's back is harder. I would probably be better at a back rub if I were to walk on you.
I published this and realized I only listed 10 things. Oops. I should learn to count, that would probably be hotter. TEN things that girls should master....
Monday, June 23, 2014
Dear Single Dudes...
I posted this on Facebook, but I think that this is so good, I am posting it here as well.
Unfortunately, this article is about what my friend (Ashleigh) and I call "The Modern Day Relationship". When I read it, I thought ."Wow, I swear I have been saying the same thing in recent posts". I am posting the link, but I am also posting what he says below.
http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/06/19/dear-single-men-time-man-figure/
Unfortunately, this article is about what my friend (Ashleigh) and I call "The Modern Day Relationship". When I read it, I thought ."Wow, I swear I have been saying the same thing in recent posts". I am posting the link, but I am also posting what he says below.
http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/06/19/dear-single-men-time-man-figure/
Dear single dudes: it’s time to man up
Dear single men,
I was having a conversation with a friend recently. He’s about my age, he’s single, and he is, I can attest, an all around good dude. I hadn’t seen him in a while, so I asked about the status of his love life. He told me that he’s currently ‘hanging out’ with someone.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, we’ve hung out a few times. She’s great.”
“OK, so are you guys going out? Is she your girlfriend?”
“No. I don’t think so. But we’re hanging out. We’re talking.”
“Well, of course you’re speaking to each other. Do you talk to her on the phone? Do you see her a lot?”
“No, we mostly text. I’ve seen her a few times since we started hanging out.”
“So you only recently met her?”
“No, I’ve known her for a while, but we’ve only hung out a few times.”
“You never hung out with her before?”
“I did. But, I mean, since we started… Since we, you know, whatever.”
I left that conversation confused, because confusion is the name of the game these days. Everyone is confused. Being single means being confused. Everyone is so confused that they don’t even know what words to use when describing their relationships. USA Today did a survey of singles a while back, and they discovered something that’s been apparent for years: nobody has any idea what’s going on in their own love lives. Close to 70 percent don’t know if they’re on a date when they go on a date.
I guess that’s because most of you are too busy “hanging out.” What is that, guys? How old are we? It went from courting, to dating, to hanging out. Sometimes even hanging out reeks of too much commitment, in which case ‘talking’ can be used. And if talking sounds too serious, maybe we’ll start hearing ‘vicinitizing.’ That’s a word I just made up, and it means that you and your female friend are often in the same vicinity, but it doesn’t get all intense by insinuating that you’re actually in that general location together on purpose.
When did men become so afraid to make a commitment, to take the lead, to say what they want, to make long term plans, to set goals, to pursue, to talk about the future?
We are devolving into primates, losing the ability to even discuss our own behavior using words and sentences. The average single American man is now relegated to grunts and shrugs and ‘whatevers’ and ‘you knows’ when pressed to have a conversation about his dating habits. Or his vicinity habits. Or his whatever habits, because whatever, you know?
‘Hanging out’ is how we describe what we do with our buddies. Is that what you want? Do you want that beautiful woman to be your buddy? Or would you ideally prefer it if you could distinguish between your relationship with her and your relationship with your friend Steve?
I know you might tell me you can decipher between the two based on who you’re hooking up with, but I think that’s a problem. And, speaking of which, let’s chill with the ‘hooking up’ thing.
That phrase makes you sound like a teenager. Grown men relying on the vague, timid code words of high school freshmen. It’s embarrassing.
Time to end the nonsense, gentlemen. It’s time to be grown ups. It’s time to be men. I know this term really offends a lot of people nowadays, but truly, fellas, let’s man up.
Trust me, I’m not innocent. I’m married now, but I was once a part of this hazy, undefined dating-but-not-dating scene. I never liked it, because nobody does. I never found any happiness in it, because nobody does. But I was a part of the problem. I was a wimpy manchild, afraid of meaningful commitments, afraid of being alone, afraid of rejection, afraid of the future, afraid of being betrayed, afraid of being loved. Just afraid, really. Afraid of everything.
Then, one day, I met Alissa. She was looking for a grown man, and I was sick of playing games. We were both exhausted. So do you know what we did very early in our relationship?
We defined our terms.
We made our goals clear.
We were open with each other.
We spoke about the future.
We used words like ‘marriage.’
We were clear and convicted and purpose driven. I had ambitions for our relationship. Ambitions. I, like, had an idea about what I was doing and why I was doing it. Can you believe it? I was in it for a reason. I wanted it to become something.
See, I’d been floating like aimless debris through an ocean of cloudy intentions and half-heartedness, until I grew up and realized that romance isn’t a game, and most women aren’t frivolous bimbos. They want men who know what they want and aren’t afraid to verbalize it. And if they don’t want that, then they aren’t worth your energy. Get out now. If she still wants to pretend she’s in tenth grade, let her live that fantasy with someone else.
With Alissa, things were pretty clear from the get-go. We had a relationship. A real, live relationship. A few months into it, I proposed. Some people wait longer, which is fine. We’re all on our own schedule. But I promise you, despite popular sentiments, it doesn’t take a decade and a half to figure things out.
I had several failed dating ‘situations’ before I got married. Some collapsed within months, others took considerably longer. But all of them were eventually destroyed by problems that were clearly evident in the first, I don’t know, five minutes or so.
And, yes, I get it. Our disastrous modern approach to dating (or whatever) isn’t all the fault of men. But there’s no point in parceling out the blame. All you can do, single dudes, is get your own selves together. Take the lead.
Here’s some brutal honesty for you: if you ‘aren’t ready for something serious,’ then you need to go get yourself ready and leave these ladies alone until you do. You can’t go out and have sex (I mean, ‘hook up,’ as the middle schoolers at the lunch table might call it) and then claim that you ‘aren’t ready for something serious.’ It’s too late, friend. Sex is something serious.
Can you imagine if an airline pilot pulled that kind of stunt?
“Attention passengers. This is your captain speaking. I just want to tell you that, like, I don’t want things to get weird or whatever, but I’m not really into being a captain right now. I mean, yeah, I chose to take a plane full of souls up 32 thousand feet into the air at a cruising speed of 600 miles per hour, but I don’t want you think that this is, like, official, you know? I’ve got your lives in my hands, but I don’t want this to get serious. In fact, actually, look, I’m just gonna bail now. I’ve got my parachute. You don’t but that’s your problem. I got what I wanted out of this. So, uh, yeah. Bye. Enjoy your fiery demise!”
Only, for this analogy to work, the captain would send that in a text message, because he lacks even the fortitude to verbalize it.
I was having a conversation with a friend recently. He’s about my age, he’s single, and he is, I can attest, an all around good dude. I hadn’t seen him in a while, so I asked about the status of his love life. He told me that he’s currently ‘hanging out’ with someone.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, we’ve hung out a few times. She’s great.”
“OK, so are you guys going out? Is she your girlfriend?”
“No. I don’t think so. But we’re hanging out. We’re talking.”
“Well, of course you’re speaking to each other. Do you talk to her on the phone? Do you see her a lot?”
“No, we mostly text. I’ve seen her a few times since we started hanging out.”
“So you only recently met her?”
“No, I’ve known her for a while, but we’ve only hung out a few times.”
“You never hung out with her before?”
“I did. But, I mean, since we started… Since we, you know, whatever.”
I left that conversation confused, because confusion is the name of the game these days. Everyone is confused. Being single means being confused. Everyone is so confused that they don’t even know what words to use when describing their relationships. USA Today did a survey of singles a while back, and they discovered something that’s been apparent for years: nobody has any idea what’s going on in their own love lives. Close to 70 percent don’t know if they’re on a date when they go on a date.
I guess that’s because most of you are too busy “hanging out.” What is that, guys? How old are we? It went from courting, to dating, to hanging out. Sometimes even hanging out reeks of too much commitment, in which case ‘talking’ can be used. And if talking sounds too serious, maybe we’ll start hearing ‘vicinitizing.’ That’s a word I just made up, and it means that you and your female friend are often in the same vicinity, but it doesn’t get all intense by insinuating that you’re actually in that general location together on purpose.
When did men become so afraid to make a commitment, to take the lead, to say what they want, to make long term plans, to set goals, to pursue, to talk about the future?
We are devolving into primates, losing the ability to even discuss our own behavior using words and sentences. The average single American man is now relegated to grunts and shrugs and ‘whatevers’ and ‘you knows’ when pressed to have a conversation about his dating habits. Or his vicinity habits. Or his whatever habits, because whatever, you know?
‘Hanging out’ is how we describe what we do with our buddies. Is that what you want? Do you want that beautiful woman to be your buddy? Or would you ideally prefer it if you could distinguish between your relationship with her and your relationship with your friend Steve?
I know you might tell me you can decipher between the two based on who you’re hooking up with, but I think that’s a problem. And, speaking of which, let’s chill with the ‘hooking up’ thing.
That phrase makes you sound like a teenager. Grown men relying on the vague, timid code words of high school freshmen. It’s embarrassing.
Time to end the nonsense, gentlemen. It’s time to be grown ups. It’s time to be men. I know this term really offends a lot of people nowadays, but truly, fellas, let’s man up.
Trust me, I’m not innocent. I’m married now, but I was once a part of this hazy, undefined dating-but-not-dating scene. I never liked it, because nobody does. I never found any happiness in it, because nobody does. But I was a part of the problem. I was a wimpy manchild, afraid of meaningful commitments, afraid of being alone, afraid of rejection, afraid of the future, afraid of being betrayed, afraid of being loved. Just afraid, really. Afraid of everything.
Then, one day, I met Alissa. She was looking for a grown man, and I was sick of playing games. We were both exhausted. So do you know what we did very early in our relationship?
We defined our terms.
We made our goals clear.
We were open with each other.
We spoke about the future.
We used words like ‘marriage.’
We were clear and convicted and purpose driven. I had ambitions for our relationship. Ambitions. I, like, had an idea about what I was doing and why I was doing it. Can you believe it? I was in it for a reason. I wanted it to become something.
See, I’d been floating like aimless debris through an ocean of cloudy intentions and half-heartedness, until I grew up and realized that romance isn’t a game, and most women aren’t frivolous bimbos. They want men who know what they want and aren’t afraid to verbalize it. And if they don’t want that, then they aren’t worth your energy. Get out now. If she still wants to pretend she’s in tenth grade, let her live that fantasy with someone else.
With Alissa, things were pretty clear from the get-go. We had a relationship. A real, live relationship. A few months into it, I proposed. Some people wait longer, which is fine. We’re all on our own schedule. But I promise you, despite popular sentiments, it doesn’t take a decade and a half to figure things out.
I had several failed dating ‘situations’ before I got married. Some collapsed within months, others took considerably longer. But all of them were eventually destroyed by problems that were clearly evident in the first, I don’t know, five minutes or so.
And, yes, I get it. Our disastrous modern approach to dating (or whatever) isn’t all the fault of men. But there’s no point in parceling out the blame. All you can do, single dudes, is get your own selves together. Take the lead.
Here’s some brutal honesty for you: if you ‘aren’t ready for something serious,’ then you need to go get yourself ready and leave these ladies alone until you do. You can’t go out and have sex (I mean, ‘hook up,’ as the middle schoolers at the lunch table might call it) and then claim that you ‘aren’t ready for something serious.’ It’s too late, friend. Sex is something serious.
Can you imagine if an airline pilot pulled that kind of stunt?
“Attention passengers. This is your captain speaking. I just want to tell you that, like, I don’t want things to get weird or whatever, but I’m not really into being a captain right now. I mean, yeah, I chose to take a plane full of souls up 32 thousand feet into the air at a cruising speed of 600 miles per hour, but I don’t want you think that this is, like, official, you know? I’ve got your lives in my hands, but I don’t want this to get serious. In fact, actually, look, I’m just gonna bail now. I’ve got my parachute. You don’t but that’s your problem. I got what I wanted out of this. So, uh, yeah. Bye. Enjoy your fiery demise!”
Only, for this analogy to work, the captain would send that in a text message, because he lacks even the fortitude to verbalize it.
If you’re a grown man, get serious.
What are you waiting for? You’re an adult now. It’s go time. Recess is
over. If you still aren’t ready to be serious about love, that’s OK, but
just stay out of it entirely in the meantime.
No matter what anyone does, or says, or thinks; no matter what we tell ourselves; no matter what society insists, romantic relationships are always serious business. Call it what you want — hanging out, talking, dating — there’s a woman’s heart involved in it. That means you have a responsibility, alright? You have a duty as a human being, as an adult, as a man.
She’s making herself vulnerable to you. You need to honor that, protect it. And if you aren’t looking for anything but cheap sex and another trophy of sexual conquest to hang on the wall in your studio apartment, then you need to protect her from yourself, because you’ll be bringing nothing but disappointment and chaos into her life.
Listen, there’s a lot of joy and love you’re missing out on when you spend years tumbling like a ball of weeds from one opaque hang out session to another. I know this from experience.
If you’re hanging out with a woman and you feel like you might be into her, tell her. Call her on the phone. Take her out on a date. Say the words: “I’d like to take you out.” No ambiguity. Plan the date yourself. Women want you to be decisive. Lose the whole “so waddaya wanna do tonight?” schtick. Take charge. Pick her up at 7. Pay for the meal. Have a conversation with her. Go mini golfing or something. Go somewhere. Open the door for her. Put your phone away. Open up to her. Share your ideas, your dreams, your fears. Get to know her. Pursue her. Pursue her. Invest yourself in the process, as scary and unsure as it may seem. Take a risk, gentlemen. Go out on a limb for once. Be purposeful. Be desirable. Be a man.
You wouldn’t go into a job interview and tell the interviewer that you aren’t sure if you want the job, and you don’t want to even talk about the job because it freaks you out and gives you a tummy ache, would you? So don’t do that to the women you’re dating, or hanging out with, or talking to, or whatever.
In the old days, they called it courting. It was a lot like dating, but with more of a point and less confusion. Maybe we should get back to that strategy.
Enough with hanging out and hooking up. We’re grown men. They’re grown women. They deserve more, and so do you.
No matter what anyone does, or says, or thinks; no matter what we tell ourselves; no matter what society insists, romantic relationships are always serious business. Call it what you want — hanging out, talking, dating — there’s a woman’s heart involved in it. That means you have a responsibility, alright? You have a duty as a human being, as an adult, as a man.
She’s making herself vulnerable to you. You need to honor that, protect it. And if you aren’t looking for anything but cheap sex and another trophy of sexual conquest to hang on the wall in your studio apartment, then you need to protect her from yourself, because you’ll be bringing nothing but disappointment and chaos into her life.
Listen, there’s a lot of joy and love you’re missing out on when you spend years tumbling like a ball of weeds from one opaque hang out session to another. I know this from experience.
If you’re hanging out with a woman and you feel like you might be into her, tell her. Call her on the phone. Take her out on a date. Say the words: “I’d like to take you out.” No ambiguity. Plan the date yourself. Women want you to be decisive. Lose the whole “so waddaya wanna do tonight?” schtick. Take charge. Pick her up at 7. Pay for the meal. Have a conversation with her. Go mini golfing or something. Go somewhere. Open the door for her. Put your phone away. Open up to her. Share your ideas, your dreams, your fears. Get to know her. Pursue her. Pursue her. Invest yourself in the process, as scary and unsure as it may seem. Take a risk, gentlemen. Go out on a limb for once. Be purposeful. Be desirable. Be a man.
You wouldn’t go into a job interview and tell the interviewer that you aren’t sure if you want the job, and you don’t want to even talk about the job because it freaks you out and gives you a tummy ache, would you? So don’t do that to the women you’re dating, or hanging out with, or talking to, or whatever.
In the old days, they called it courting. It was a lot like dating, but with more of a point and less confusion. Maybe we should get back to that strategy.
Enough with hanging out and hooking up. We’re grown men. They’re grown women. They deserve more, and so do you.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Flashback Friday-Creepiest 80's Dolls
I played with dolls nonstop when I was a kid. It's no surprise to my mother that I have as many kids as I do because I always wanted a lot of kids. God just did me a favor and gave them to me in two's.
As much as I loved dolls, there were some that freaked me out and I will never forget begging my mother to take my Cricket doll out to the dumpster in the middle of the night because I swore she was going to come to life like Chuckie and kill me. Below is a list of dolls from the 80's, and yes, I had them all......
This is a Water Baby, for those of us who wanted the flesh to feel real. It's like a boob job, but it's a baby.
Who remembers Cricket? She looks like she's going to grow up to be a Stage 5 Clinger. I find you!
Who remembers My Buddy? My buddy, my buddy, my buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, HEEE goes........
My Buddy the Albino, possibly even creepier than the Chuckie version above.
Kid Sister....
This baby grew. You cranked her back, you know, because that's not creepy at all, and she grew.
Many babies, like this one, you fed and gave water until black mold started growing in her mouth and insides! Of course, our parents weren't concerned with seat belts and asbestos such. It was the 80's, before car accidents and mold.
As much as I loved dolls, there were some that freaked me out and I will never forget begging my mother to take my Cricket doll out to the dumpster in the middle of the night because I swore she was going to come to life like Chuckie and kill me. Below is a list of dolls from the 80's, and yes, I had them all......
This is a Water Baby, for those of us who wanted the flesh to feel real. It's like a boob job, but it's a baby.
Who remembers Cricket? She looks like she's going to grow up to be a Stage 5 Clinger. I find you!
Who remembers My Buddy? My buddy, my buddy, my buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, HEEE goes........
My Buddy the Albino, possibly even creepier than the Chuckie version above.
Kid Sister....
This baby grew. You cranked her back, you know, because that's not creepy at all, and she grew.
 | ||||
| Baby Grows a Lot (or something like that) |
Many babies, like this one, you fed and gave water until black mold started growing in her mouth and insides! Of course, our parents weren't concerned with seat belts and asbestos such. It was the 80's, before car accidents and mold.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
11 Things Guys Should Master
This is a list of things that immediately make a man hotter. I think what I describe here is a true Alpha Male, not a boy pretending to be an Alpha Male. And yes, I realize that some are silly...but it's true anyway.
- Driving. A man should know how to drive a car. I am no one's backseat driver, especially a man's. I don’t want to ride with a grandpa, but I want to ride with a guy who can get me where I am going, quickly yet safely. Plus, it’s fun when a guy drives like a race car driver because I sure as hell can’t without dying. If a man can handle a car, he can handle a woman….at least that’s the way I see it (as ridiculous as it sounds). When a guy is a bad driver, it’s a turn-off. A man should also know how to drive a stick shift as well because what if it’s the end of the world and zombies attack us and the only car we can steal is a stick shift? I know how to drive a stick shift, but I am nowhere near a good enough driver to get away from zombies. You know, because that could happen. And then we die because he never learned.
- Dancing (to some degree). I don’t mean that I want one of those dancers on Dancing with the Stars, but someone rocking behind me without freaking me out would be nice. I once danced with a guy who was not attractive at all at a salsa club. He moved so well though, he was totally playing Jedi mind tricks on me. I was so confused. I was like “What’s going on here?” Then I ran away because I was scared.
- How to be sexy and boyish at the same time. This is why we love Ashton Kutcher. I know that it may be annoying to be called adorable if you are a guy, in fact it's probably the equivalent of being called "thick" if you're a girl, but adorable is a good thing. It means you want to curl up in his chest and squeeze him and also get it on.
- Being protective without making us hate you. This is huge. I can handle things myself and I don't want someone meddling and going over my head if I don’t need him to, but it's hot when you know you're with a guy who will protect you and stand up for you when you need it. I hate fighting, but it's hot when the guy isn't just being an idiot hothead. We aren't property, but we want to be defended and feel safe. I have two examples….when I was 17, I broke up with my boyfriend and one night, I was out with another guy. He kept calling me and calling me to the point that the guy I was with got angry and picked it up. He said “Leave her alone, she is with me and doesn’t want to talk to you.” Before I knew it, I was crying in a truck on our way to a parking lot because they were going to fight. I then had to watch two guys fight, which made me sick, and I was embarrassed in front of a bunch of people for “creating drama” that I never wanted to happen. Not cool. I was mad. It was ridiculous. Then when I comforted the guy I had been with, my ex was screaming “Go take care of him, Britt. Go ahead. You’re dead to me!” Ugh. It was the worst. One of my guy friends said “Yeah, but isn’t it flattering that they’re fighting over you?” No, it wasn’t. It made me feel like a piece of meat and it pissed me off. On the other hand, one time I was at Mako's in Buckhead and I was dancing. This guy kept touching me and bugging me, I kept leaving the dance floor. Every time I came back (this happened three times), he would grab me again, so I finally pushed him off of me and I pushed him hard. He kind of tripped backwards and he got angry. So naturally, he spit on me. A man saw that and walked over to the bouncer and they threw his ass out. Someone could have punched him in his face and I would have been fine with it because the guy deserved it. It was awesome when the guy intervened because I really was upset and I had tried to handle it myself and wasn’t having any luck. He spit on me. Who does that? By the way, my girlfriends and sister ALSO went to the bouncer. I stood there, staring at my arm, which was covered in spit, not doing anything because I was so shocked.
- Being a good kisser. If you can’t kiss, we assume you can’t do anything else and there is like NO way I am going to bother finding out.
- Being confident. There is nothing hotter than a confident guy because he does everything better, from kissing to having a conversation. We assume he can handle when we correct him, tell him to do things differently, etc., without getting ass hurt. It’s sexy. And by the way, confidence is NOT cocky. In fact, the cocky guys usually suck at everything. They talk a lot, but there’s only one reason why…they don’t know what the hell they’re doing. The guy chillin’ with his friends looking at you and smiling is the one who usually ends up worth a damn.
- Being Thoughtful. I was at work one day and a guy came up to my office and had his arms behind his back and told me to pick a hand. I picked one. In that hand, he had breakfast and in the other, was a CD he'd made me. If I wasn't already freaking out because it was so adorable and cute, I then put the CD in and every song was tailored for me. The first song was Sail by Awolnation, which says "Blame it on my ADD, baby" and we all know that's me. It was him too. He was a creative guy with total ADD. I honestly couldn't believe how perfect this CD was. My girlfriends freaked out and love him to this day. He was one of the cutest guys I have ever seen in my life.
- Being adventurous. If you’re down for anything, I mean, anything goes. That’s hot. Being entertaining means we’ll never get bored of you and things won’t get old. You also probably have a love for life, which overall makes you more interesting. You probably work out, take care of yourself and have a better attitude than someone who is into vanilla everything. I hated the movie Groundhog Day for a reason….the same crap over and over is boring.
- How to dress/Take care of your body. Be you…but only if that means that you don’t look like an idiot. And I have to say, different girls like different things. Me, I like a guy who can be adorable in jeans and a hoody and still look sharp when dressed up. I love baseball caps, but then ties too. And a good body is always a good thing, so that’s like duh, why did I bother saying it?
- Friendship. It’s a bad sign when a guy doesn’t have friends because we assume you’re a douche bag. Guys really aren’t difficult to get along with, so if you can’t get along with other guys, that’s immediately a sign for me to run. Plus, I have friends. I don’t want to hang out with you all the time, and if you have no friends, you won’t have anyone to hang out with when I am gone and then you’ll get mad and it’ll be weird and yeah, that just won’t work out very well. I know that there are girls who hate sharing their man with his friends….I am not one of them.
- Taking Initiative. If you are confident and strong enough to take initiative, we feel safer, more important, and not to mention....we prefer this in the bedroom too. We don't really want to do everything. Although the Women's Movement may have confused you, understand that what it really means is that we want to be treated with respect, we want to be treated fairly....it does NOT mean we want to decide everything. It actually sucks. I make decisions every single day and I get so tired, I can barely order a salad. Step up. I'll give you an example of how important this is to me, although you would never know it because I am so independent....I went to Whole Foods with a guy over the weekend. I was having a really bad ADD moment and he could see on my face that I wasn't ok. I said four times that I needed nuts (haha, I mean real nuts), but then I would get distracted and forget and go somewhere else. I got overwhelmed by everything I wanted to buy and I stubbed my toe on the cart (twice and I cut it and it was bleeding), and my phone was ringing off the hook and I just wanted to crawl out of my skin because I was having an attack of some kind. He looked at me and said "What kind of nuts do you need?" I said pistachios. He left and got a bag for me and came back. Then he helped me remember the rest of the stuff because I kept forgetting. That really helped me. Something small like that made an impression on me.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
When the Bubble Pops
I got a lot of feedback about the blog yesterday. A lot of people (male and female) said it resonated with them, and then I got this question over and over.....But what do you do when you do your part and nothing gets better? Cheat? Have an open marriage? Deal with it? End it? Obviously, I'm not a doctor, and if you're at the point that you are thinking this, one would assume you've discussed it and tried counseling first. I say this because you should. But sometimes it doesn't work for whatever reason or someone doesn't want to go. If that's the case, these are the inevitable scenarios that get weighed and here are my personal opinions on each of those things, and that is all they are...my personal opinions.
- Cheating is never a good idea-not only is it wrong because it's a lie, but because you compromise yourself. If you end a relationship in which you gave your all, you deserve to know you did everything you could to make it work. Even if you think the other person deserves it, it's still not the answer. I don't believe in being in relationships and having one foot in and one foot out. First of all, it doesn't work. Secondly, it's stupid because it completely contradicts what a relationship is. If you really have tried and you're getting no response, do you really think it's fair to be made out to be the bad guy because you did something that was inevitable? Especially if you have children. If you have been abandoned, then you ride out being you and they have to deal with the fact that they didn't step up to the plate.
- Open marriages, while they seem like they're sparing everyone from the pain of a divorce, in my opinion, are not the answer either. I don't believe that marriage should be open because that's not what a marriage is. In fact, it's the opposite of what marriage is. Plus, it doesn't even work. Here's why....people get knocked up, pass on STD's, and fall in love...then they get divorced. So why not stop being a poser and get a divorce? While some women may think "Well, I don't want to lose my family and house and life, but I just have no interest in sex anymore, so I will just let him do his thing," they miss the fact that men don't (as much as we think they do) just think with their penis. They have emotions too and they could easily fall in love with someone. If the roles were reversed, which is probably less likely statistically, I think the risks would be the same. Plus, watch Fatal Attraction. What if the girlfriend or boyfriend ends up crazy? In my mind, if you are supposed to be in a safe bubble, an open marriage is like setting off a bomb within your bubble. Catastrophic. I just don't get the point of living a lie. Being honest and divorced seems a lot better to me than making a mockery of your life. You should always be true to yourself.
- Deal with it. This sucks. I couldn't do it, but like I have said over and over, a relationship is a partnership and you're a team and it isn't fair to have to just deal with it. Why be in a relationship if you're ignored? I guess you hang in there for the kids, but are you teaching the kids that you're supposed to be cold and distant? I think this all depends on how much having a connection with your spouse means to you. Some people are fine with just being roommates, but I am not, and there is no way I could handle this because the idea of a relationship and marriage means so much to me. You can't grow as a person while being miserable every day.
- Divorce. I think it should be avoided at all costs but people are stupid if they don't think you can be pushed to the decision to part ways, especially today when it's easier to do so. My parents are divorced and I have been against it for years and years because I had to go through a lot as a child. But there comes a point sometimes where you're standing there with your hands tied behind your back, not only as a spouse or a parent, but as a human being, saying "Really? Really? What the hell am I supposed to do?" There are religious things to consider, if you are religious, and then you can be straight up logical about it. What would be logical is this: If a person checks out of the relationship but you're married on paper, well then you were abandoned long before and the paper is just a technicality and what's left of what's really there....nothing. What does the paper mean if there's no substance? I believe that God is more merciful than that and we're not fooling him by just walking around with a piece of paper. What are you supposed to do when you're backed into a corner? Love, sex, and affection are needs just like food and water. What do people do when they're starving? They steal. They are compromised and do things they wouldn't normally do. In my eyes, divorce can be the same thing. BUT like I said, it's a last resort.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
The Bubble
Over time, this subject has come up in conversations and people have told me I should write about it. Still, my fingers are dragging across the keyboard writing this because it 's going to be hard to cover without pissing a few people off. Why, I don't know...because it's about sex I guess. However, I try to be sensitive and this topic is no different. Dad, you can skip this one if you want because, well, it's just weird if you read it.
Sex is so important in a relationship, otherwise you are just roommates. Yeah, I know, it isn't everything, but if you are minimizing it, I can almost guarantee you that your partner isn't. When you are not close physically, then you open yourself up to all kinds of things. This is the way I see it...when you are in a relationship, you should picture a big plastic bubble around you. When you poke holes in the bubble, you are leaving space open for outside influences to get into a space where only the two of you should be. When you don't spend time together and talk and have sex, you are poking little holes into your bubble. Sex is a physical and emotional need, and while it isn't everything, it is everything if someone is unhappy. If you are a person who happens to be more sexual or needs to snuggle and touch, you will be miserable without it.
If I piss people off, I guess it will be in the next paragraph...but first, before anyone thinks I am just taking one side and not considering the other, have you treated your significant other with respect? Are you trying? Or do you think it's just a right and they suck because you aren't getting any? When you are talking about someone's body, it isn't property, and just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean you just have a right to it. You have to be connected and working on the relationship too. There are two sides to this. And just to clarify, I am not only talking about women. Men do the same thing and women complain about it. This is not a gender specific angle because some women need more sex than men, true, even if it's not always the norm. Boys, if you were a fly on a wall, what you would learn about girls...ok, anyway.....
Do I condone cheating? No. Absolutely not. I never have and never will cheat. I am too stubborn, honestly, to live a lie and fake it. It's wrong and not fair and I don't understand the point of it. BUT, I think it's equally bad and wrong to cut a person off and alienate them from affection. If you aren't sleeping together, chances are, the rest of your relationship is off and it's just a symptom, and all of that needs to be addressed. When you cut someone off and say "Tough. What are you going to do about it? I win, because if you cheat, you'll be the bastard and everyone will take my side", that's really wrong. You're setting someone up to fail and in my opinion, you'll have no one to blame but yourself when it happens. In fact, the other person, once they get over what they did, will know that you set them up (intentionally or unintentionally) and blame you too. A relationship is made of two people and checking out is not ok. Whatever the reason may be, you have to fix it. You can't just ignore it. Cutting someone off from an essential part of life, to me, is so unfair. Yes, sex is an essential part of life. Honestly, why lie about any of it? If I were no longer attracted to a guy because his personality turned me off or he put on 100 pounds, I would be honest about it at this point in my life. Lying gets no one anywhere. We just get touchy because it's a sensitive subject and fear that talking about it will hurt egos. Well, egos are already hurt. You aren't fooling anyone by faking headaches and sleeping on the couch. I once read a book called "The Power of a Praying Wife" and she talks about this. She says that even if you're tired or don't feel like having sex, you'll thank yourself later when you do. I totally agree.
To be cut off sucks, especially if you are trying and putting 100% into your relationship and it makes no difference and you see no results or effort. How does it feel to be cut off emotionally and sexually? You feel abandoned, frustrated, unloved, lonely, trapped, confused, tempted, dead, uninspired, and not to mention, you physically feel like crap. You can get grouchy and irritated, foggy, and I mean, do I need to mention horny? Yeah, I didn't think so. Men are apparently worse than women, thinking about sex like every 8 seconds, but I am not convinced that women aren't sometimes just as bad as men and I have said that before. Women get cranky and irritated too. The most important statement I can make is this....when you are cut off, you start to resent the person who did it to you, and then you naturally start to care less and less, and eventually what happens is that when the person finally offers it again, you don't even want it anymore. The person who did the cutting off is screwed at this point because the bubble has popped. Dangling the bait in their face won't matter anymore...
The ideal situation is for both people to care and start taping up the holes, one by one, every day, before it pops.
Sex is so important in a relationship, otherwise you are just roommates. Yeah, I know, it isn't everything, but if you are minimizing it, I can almost guarantee you that your partner isn't. When you are not close physically, then you open yourself up to all kinds of things. This is the way I see it...when you are in a relationship, you should picture a big plastic bubble around you. When you poke holes in the bubble, you are leaving space open for outside influences to get into a space where only the two of you should be. When you don't spend time together and talk and have sex, you are poking little holes into your bubble. Sex is a physical and emotional need, and while it isn't everything, it is everything if someone is unhappy. If you are a person who happens to be more sexual or needs to snuggle and touch, you will be miserable without it.
If I piss people off, I guess it will be in the next paragraph...but first, before anyone thinks I am just taking one side and not considering the other, have you treated your significant other with respect? Are you trying? Or do you think it's just a right and they suck because you aren't getting any? When you are talking about someone's body, it isn't property, and just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean you just have a right to it. You have to be connected and working on the relationship too. There are two sides to this. And just to clarify, I am not only talking about women. Men do the same thing and women complain about it. This is not a gender specific angle because some women need more sex than men, true, even if it's not always the norm. Boys, if you were a fly on a wall, what you would learn about girls...ok, anyway.....
Do I condone cheating? No. Absolutely not. I never have and never will cheat. I am too stubborn, honestly, to live a lie and fake it. It's wrong and not fair and I don't understand the point of it. BUT, I think it's equally bad and wrong to cut a person off and alienate them from affection. If you aren't sleeping together, chances are, the rest of your relationship is off and it's just a symptom, and all of that needs to be addressed. When you cut someone off and say "Tough. What are you going to do about it? I win, because if you cheat, you'll be the bastard and everyone will take my side", that's really wrong. You're setting someone up to fail and in my opinion, you'll have no one to blame but yourself when it happens. In fact, the other person, once they get over what they did, will know that you set them up (intentionally or unintentionally) and blame you too. A relationship is made of two people and checking out is not ok. Whatever the reason may be, you have to fix it. You can't just ignore it. Cutting someone off from an essential part of life, to me, is so unfair. Yes, sex is an essential part of life. Honestly, why lie about any of it? If I were no longer attracted to a guy because his personality turned me off or he put on 100 pounds, I would be honest about it at this point in my life. Lying gets no one anywhere. We just get touchy because it's a sensitive subject and fear that talking about it will hurt egos. Well, egos are already hurt. You aren't fooling anyone by faking headaches and sleeping on the couch. I once read a book called "The Power of a Praying Wife" and she talks about this. She says that even if you're tired or don't feel like having sex, you'll thank yourself later when you do. I totally agree.
To be cut off sucks, especially if you are trying and putting 100% into your relationship and it makes no difference and you see no results or effort. How does it feel to be cut off emotionally and sexually? You feel abandoned, frustrated, unloved, lonely, trapped, confused, tempted, dead, uninspired, and not to mention, you physically feel like crap. You can get grouchy and irritated, foggy, and I mean, do I need to mention horny? Yeah, I didn't think so. Men are apparently worse than women, thinking about sex like every 8 seconds, but I am not convinced that women aren't sometimes just as bad as men and I have said that before. Women get cranky and irritated too. The most important statement I can make is this....when you are cut off, you start to resent the person who did it to you, and then you naturally start to care less and less, and eventually what happens is that when the person finally offers it again, you don't even want it anymore. The person who did the cutting off is screwed at this point because the bubble has popped. Dangling the bait in their face won't matter anymore...
The ideal situation is for both people to care and start taping up the holes, one by one, every day, before it pops.
- Talk about it, whichever side you're on.
- Keep track of how long it's been, whichever side you're on. If you are married and have kids, it's very easy for a week or two to go by in life, and if you're actually paying attention, you might think "Wow. It's been two weeks, that's depressing". Maybe your partner didn't even notice, which sucks, I know, but keep track of when you do it so you can show that it's an issue. I heard about this couple who had sex every single day for a year. They were in trouble in their relationship and they decided to do it every day for 365 days. Well, even if that seems like a lot, I think the important thing, in my opinion, is that they made it a priority. Things always get better if you make it a priority and I'll bet they were closer after that year.
- This sounds silly because it's so obvious, but shave your legs and take a shower. Who wants to have sex when your legs are spiky? If you do it every day, then you're always ready and don't have an excuse. I am talking to the girls, obviously. Get dressed. Look cute. Treat your lingerie as clothes too because they are, actually. Match them. Look cute. And that's for you too, because you'll be more confident.
- Move. Exercise. The better you feel about yourself, the better your relationship will be.
- Get creative. Play. No one said anything about having to be on a mattress where sex is concerned, so if you're bored, move around. Do things that you would have done when you were dating or when you were a (bad, sinful) teenager. lol. But seriously. You have a trampoline? Go have sex on it. Go outside, hide in a closet, the car in the garage....just do something different.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Top 5 Reasons You Stay Single
I was talking with a guy last night about being single. He said he hates being single. I said I don't prefer it because I am actually really good at being in a relationship, but I do prefer it to an unhappy relationship and being that I don't see a lot of happy relationships, I guess I just don't know if I care either way now because I know it's a dice roll. I also told him that I feel like there is something really wrong with the way things are nowadays. There is a disconnect somewhere. I feel like it's partially me and it's partially society and the way things are now. I have a hard time bonding with people now and I don't think I'm the only one out there who feels this way.
Here are the Top 5 reasons I believe people stay single nowadays.
On top of that, then you've got the MIA Douchebag Serial Killer to worry about too! My oh my, have things changed since I was 23 and got married......
Here are the Top 5 reasons I believe people stay single nowadays.
- AGE. I am a relationship girl by nature, however, I was married for a long time. I had the wedding and bought the house and picked out paint, had the kids, did the whole thing. I have now learned what kind of relationship I want, what I deserve, and where I made my mistakes and won't again. I have analyzed everything. Everything is thought out now. There isn't anything I do without knowing first what I think about it. I am independent and I don't mind being alone if I can't have what I want, because then what's the point if you're happier by yourself? When you have been through a lot, the bar for bull crap is a lot lower than it used to be and any guy who knocks his head on that bar and screws up, well, it's easier for me to be like "Meh, yeah, I didn't like that. Bye!" An amazing thing happens when you get stronger and when you realize that you don't have to deal with a nuisance....you just don't. So that makes me realize that had I always felt this way in my younger years, I would probably never have been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year or so because relationships are hard.
- BEING BUSY. I'm not high-maintenance, but I kind of am I guess. I like my life the way I like it. I get up, work out, pack my food, take my vitamins, run errands, I go to work, pay bills, take care of the house, I play the music I like, I hold the remote control, and I don't have to have things like football on when I am reading a book. Add to that the fact that I have four children and friends to pay attention to and take care of, including people who live in other states that I have to call all the time to stay connected, there isn't a lot of me left. By the time I DO get some time alone, I realize that I haven't really carved out much time for anyone new to bond with. How can you get to know someone when you're squeezing them in between hot yoga and talking to your mother? I mean, I totally see why people live together and get married...because if you live alone and like it, you'll never see the person because you're always busy.
- BLURRED LINES. Everything is blurry now. There aren't definitive boundaries for anything anymore. No one knows their roles because anything goes and no one knows what the hell they're doing. I'll give you some examples. Women are generally more independent in pretty much every way, which is awesome for us, but it has completely taken away any identity a man THOUGHT he had. Where they used to be allowed and where they were definitely genetically predisposed to do things like hunt and protect and treat us like ladies, they aren't allowed to do so without kind of testing the waters to see what kind of woman we are and whether or not we will be offended. However, it isn't exactly our fault that we're like this. For me, I used to let guys do stuff and I was very traditional, but then I learned that you end up giving away your power and often wind up defenseless, so now, I would rather just do things myself rather than risk tying my hands behind my back. I'd also rather do it myself because I can do it when I want, not wait 4 years for a guy to finally decide to do it. (Sorry.) Men say that they like independent girls, but I am not sold on that. I think everyone likes to feel needed and if I come off like "I got this", well, I am going to scare men...and do. Another way things are blurry....no one likes labels because we are a generation of commitment phobes, generally speaking. And why the hell wouldn't we be? Look at the divorce rate and look at what the 80's and 90's did to us. I went through so many divorces as a child, it's a miracle that I ever got married. I know I am not the only one out there. So when you live in a society where it is socially acceptable not to have a label, that's what happens because it's a lot easier to do so. When someone says "Is that your boyfriend" and you say "I don't know", that's kind of a problem. No one dates anymore, they just hang out. People sleep together and blur the lines and say things like "I'm not allowed to be jealous because I don't know what the hell we are"......this is also a problem. Label-less relationships are cool in theory because you get to design your life how you want it....however, it's like looking at a cat and saying it's a dog.
- OPTIONS. It is perfectly acceptable to pretty much do what you want. You want to be single, have a Friend with Benefits, get married....you can do whatever the hell you want. Quite honestly, I think there are so many options and layers and everything is so blurry that when I do try to date, it confuses me so much that I end up thinking "I don't know what the hell I want." And the fact that others can do whatever THEY want, it only complicates it, even if you're one of those lucky ones and know what you want. Not only that, but you have Facebook, Match, Tinder.....there are so many outlets for meeting people you won't know what to do with when you find them, that you do just that....you don't know what the hell to do with any of them. Do you talk to them, catch feelings, sleep with them, don't, make them take you on a date? (What's that?) And how can I bond with one guy when my phone is blowing up every five minutes from 14? Someone pisses me off, there's just another there waiting....not that I will know what the hell to do with him. I posted a picture the other night of me and a friend and he started laughing because my phone had a seizure. Guys were like "What are you doing, where are you? Who is that?" Well the fact that the world is this way now doesn't exactly make it hard to walk away if the person you're with pisses you off or irritates you. So many options...
- TEXTING. Everything is impersonal. Pick up the damn phone. Of course, #2 complicates that statement because I rarely pick UP my phone. It's the same damn banter, all the damn time, and you end up just being like "Meh" because your fingers are sore from texting and you're getting 10 at a time and you have ADD and you end up dull because you're spreading yourself too thin having too many conversations, meanwhile, not being able to bond with one person who may be right for you. How would you notice, the way things are nowadays?
On top of that, then you've got the MIA Douchebag Serial Killer to worry about too! My oh my, have things changed since I was 23 and got married......
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