One of my friends from high school commented on a link I had posted on Facebook and said that he feels so confused about women because they seem to care about money or they always choose the jerk. He says that he has taken girls out and spent money on them, and they sometimes later divulge that they have been sleeping with someone else who treats them like crap. There was more to it, but basically, a lot of the feedback I get from the nice guys is "Wtf, you guys say you want this, but you clearly don't because you always choose the jerk." I really cannot deny that this seems to be true and it's definitely something that I have struggled with since the first time I had a boyfriend. I don't know if it's that we want to mother something (I definitely don't now that I have kids), or we want to be the one to change them (people usually don't), if we love the chase, or if we think it's what we deserve, but whatever the reason, I don't deny that it happens too often. However, I know one thing....the nice guys are complaining and the nice girls are complaining. Is there any chance that we are both guilty of the same thing, whatever it may be? Maybe you're taking the wrong girls out, girls who are not available or looking for what you are. Surely, it would make more sense, right? Or maybe it's human nature....the girls want to be conquered and the men want to conquer and it's simply a natural, animalistic trait.
Before I go further, I have to clarify one thing first......not all women care about money and they are not all bitches. I know this because I am one of those girls. I have said this before and I will say it again....I wish I could be bought. That would imply that I am using my head. Doing things that are fiscally smart would be less painful than hanging my heart out there for someone to possibly run all over. I absolutely have to have connection, passion, the THING that is just there, and if it isn't, I am just not going to go any further. I have learned that if it isn't there, it isn't there. I have, actually, given a guy a chance when it wasn't there and it was a disaster because he knew when he looked at me that I didn't love him. That never ends well.
Ok, so now I will let you into my head for a minute even though it's hard. Maybe I am not the only girl who feels this way and it will do some good and maybe guys will start asking questions as to why things are the way they are and start to feel a little better about it (or worse, I guess). I have definitely pondered why I have had so many nice guys come into my life and I haven't dated them and why I am notorious for friend-zoning. The one who commented on my post adored me back in high school and watched me date guys who either hit me or cheated on me. He wasn't the only one; it's a typical story and it's had to be frustrating to watch. After being treated badly over and over, you begin to wonder if it's a coincidence, or if you're the cause, or if you are only capable of feeling that thing with someone you either know you can't have, or someone who you know will not really do anything for you. Then you wonder if BECAUSE you loved, really loved, things changed because they knew you loved them. Then you begin to question your confidence. Maybe you think you don't deserve someone who treats you well. Maybe you fear the responsibility of having someone like that in your life because you will screw it up. Maybe you simply like the chase, (which actually sucks ass in the long run). I wondered all of these things and considered them but then I married someone who didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt about me, he fell pretty quickly and he was sweet. I did not choose someone who treated me badly. I have realized in the last couple of years that it wasn't anything I was actively choosing, but I had been walking around with something on my forehead that said it was ok to be crappy to me. Now, I have completely decided that no, I don't like jerks, I do think I deserve better, and I don't like the chase. It's something else.
So what was it that started this pattern for me?
You want to know why nice guys seem to finish last? The assholes move faster. In my experience, the jerks concealed that they were jerks...they were con-artists and I was trusting. Have you ever considered this, nice guys? I think about my relationship history and with the exception of one person, every single time, I was pounced on. I NEVER once chased a guy nor did I decide to talk to them first. I never saw a guy and thought "I want to go out with him" but rather, I ended up with the one who "courted" me or fed me bullcrap. Then I fell in love, and it was too late for me to get out without any damage having been done to me, and since I tend to make decisions based on my heart, I was perfect prey for this type of guy. I was stuck...while the nice guy had been taking time to get to know me, was contemplating whether or not to kiss me, and being sensitive to whatever I was feeling and who I was, the jerk was making moves. The problem with this is that most of us (even the ones who won't admit it) prefer someone who is sexually more aggressive. THIS DOES NOT mean that we want to be abused, obviously, but we want someone who seems to know what to do with us. This starts when we are young because we don't know what the hell we are doing; we are innocent. We later mistake jerks for Alphas and then we get ourselves into trouble and our heads are jacked up. So basically what happens to some of us girls is that we are teenagers, we have one bad experience and really never know that it's not normal. From then on, our whole thought process is skewed, our standards have started out low, and we're comfortable with what is inappropriate. We almost don't know any better and it doesn't matter what people tell us. We don't know why we do what we do. THIS is why dads need guns when they have daughters. I was probably the worst teenage daughter to have because I was so trusting. I was labeled "Most Gullible" in a high school Senior Superlative, actually. I was laid back, happy, energetic and saw the good in people. I was the oldest and didn't have older siblings to talk to, and I genuinely was one of those girls who cared about the guy sitting in front of me. I have had three guys in my life threaten suicide when I have broken up with them, they hit me, and called me names. Yes, it's important to have good men in little girls' lives to counteract this, but what's weird in my situation is that I did. I had a dad who loved me, and I still wound up feeling guilty when I broke up with my boyfriends, even when they totally deserved it. My first boyfriend was perhaps the most influential person in my romantic life because I had already started making excuses for men at 16. I guess my point of divulging this to the guys who just think we are shallow enough to want to be treated like garbage, is to say that you should find out why and think about it. From the time of puberty, girls are told they are fat, they're a piece of ass, they are not good enough, and sometimes the sweetest ones are the ones who suffer the most. When I was in 8th grade, my male teacher whispered in my ear that I looked good in jeans, so trust me when I say that some of us got used to lines being crossed at a very early age. We don't know what to make of it until we are older. It's hardest for the trusting girls to bounce back from everything we are told and every hard hand that's put on them. I can tell you that although I knew it was wrong that my first boyfriend slammed my head into a wall when I was 16, it definitely left an impression on me.
There is hope though and it's this....some of us eventually learn that it sucks. We have children and get divorced and we cry and we're humiliated and tired, and we finally understand that God wants better for us and that no matter what the reason is that we wound up here, we want something different and we decide not to put up with crap anymore. But sometimes, even though we grow up and learn what we deserve, we then have this guard up and it's very hard to crack through...you can imagine why. Heartbreaks are worse for us, loving and losing is excruciating for us, and everything is analyzed and carefully executed, almost to the point that we don't even know how to move. We don't know how to trust guys, we have a hard time attaching, and when we have attached, it's harder to let go because we know it'll suck trying to let someone in because in your head, it's only going to end badly.
Ok, so that was the really hard part that I have never talked about on this blog, but maybe it'll help someone else.
Something else to consider....
I have one guy friend (who is probably the nicest guy I know) and he is always with bitchy girls. Now this could be because the good ones have turned him down (including myself) or it's simply that this is what he is attracted to or maybe they snatch the good ones up. I honestly don't have a clue. But I have seen guys chase the girls who won't give them the time of day. Hell, I have been one of those girls. Which brings me back to, is this simply part of human nature?
I have a friend who is honest, open, and totally available. We have been talking lately about this whole subject and we are convinced that guys like the chase, meaning that the nice guys who are complaining, are just as guilty. I will use myself as an example....I have not really been ready for anything with anyone in the last couple of years. Sure, I have tried, but there are too many reasons I have stayed single. My heart has been elsewhere and my head is trying to get clear and sort and analyze. I think it's pretty evident that I have my own life, a busy one, and clearly by the things I write, I am not fully ready or I go back and forth. If I were not hard to reach, I doubt people would chase me as much. Meanwhile, my girlfriend who is actively dating and open, is getting the blow-off. You're not so innocent, guys. Sorry.
The games we play are only confusing things. Being available shouldn't be a bad thing, but clearly it's not what we want because too many of us are chasing people who are not ready, nor will ever be available to us. We all like a challenge and when we don't and we truly love someone, chances are that they want more of a challenge than you are. Something common in humans is that you want what you can't have, you can't get back what you lost, and you chase the ones who run. Even in marriage, people want to be kept on their toes, and if they aren't, they become unhappy. At work, we like being challenged or we get bored. We like having something to work toward because that's just the way we are. But there comes a point where you have to say "Enough is enough" and start looking for someone who is ready like you are, who challenges you to be a better person (not someone who makes you feel like an idiot), and who cherishes you and treats you well.
A note to the single guys, please consider this when you are dealing with a girl who isn't a blank slate and we will do the same for you: We may still be learning, and yes that's frustrating. Then there are those of us who are trying every day to break bad cycles. And although you got to us when we became wiser, you also got to us when we began protecting ourselves the most. Personally, I have had my heart broken, and now my guard is up. I don't want to get my heart broken again and honestly, it can't even get broken until I am over the last blow and I don't know what the answer is to that except time and God. I have heard "I won't hurt you" before and been lied to, so it's a little difficult not to throw a wall up. I know that when I have taken it down, I have sat there totally available, telling someone I love that I will do anything for them, love them no matter how much money is in their pocket, and that it will never change, and it hasn't mattered. So I don't know. Maybe saying exactly the opposite is the only way for a someone to control their life. AND now I just talked in circles. haha. I know we have all been hurt, but don't assume that girls who keep getting hurt don't want to be with you. They might not know how yet. Being a G ain't no easy thing. Lol, ok, just lifting the mood.
It's only fitting that I quote 2Pac and then leave you with Passenger's song about human nature....
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