Where Have I Been, Where Am I Going?

I need a tree and some shrubbery, ASAP.

I have had a really rough week.  My baby boys have been sick since Sunday with a terrible stomach virus and I haven't been able to work, BUT I have to say that I am very blessed with a boss who wants me to be with my children when they need me.  I have so much to be thankful for and my job is one of those things.  The virus hit Carson the worst and there were moments when I thought I would wind up in the ER with him.  I was up at 3 am forcing him to drink and I pretty much stayed up while he slept.  He is 32 pounds, which for 5 years old, is very tiny.  He doesn't have the reserves that his brother has.  Dylan recovered quickly in comparison, but he weighs 11 pounds more than Carson.  There is nothing worse than watching your kids throw up over and over and beg you to make it better.  I couldn't do anything but hold them and attempt to hydrate them.


Anyway, I haven't written much for that reason.  Also, I am working on a few slightly larger projects. 

On the horizon:

• How To Become More Childlike in 14 Days-I am climbing trees and crimping my hair....doing all of those things I used to do as a little girl.  Being an adult sucks most of the time, so what will happen if I am intentionally childish?  (As opposed to accidentally, lol.)
• I am doing a study of some sort....how do men treat you when you do this versus this.  This will be my own little field experiment. (Muahahahahaha.)
• The Three Year Rule....One of my guy friends has a theory about relationships around the 3 year mark-I am looking closer into its validity. 
• Are You the Rebound?  This is by request.
• The Cruelest Cut-off....by this I mean sex. (Also by request)
• What I Learned in My Plaid Skirt. What did I learn in my plaid skirt, other than how to bang chalky erasers? 

Moving Thoughts

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.”-Friedrich Nietzsche

I love this quote because it has a couple of different meanings.  It can be taken literally.....Any time I go for a walk or a run (I hate running, by the way), I tend to have the clearest thoughts about my life and come up with the best writing ideas.  With every step, my thoughts are clear and I become more curious.  It can also be taken figuratively......If you are standing in the same place and not moving forward, you are staying the same person with the same routine; you are not exploring your future and your world.  If you don't constantly explore, what great thoughts are you going to have about anything? You have the same thoughts over and over and if you aren't careful, you will become stale, comfortable, and never change.  This isn't how human beings are supposed to be. 

 

I once heard a preacher say that we are finicky because we hate boredom and don't like something to be too easy but then we also tend to complain when something is complicated or difficult. The latter is the better way to be.  By nature, we are supposed to change and push ourselves.  Most of  the time, the most important things are the hardest, the most rewarding are the most challenging and doing exactly what you don't want to do is necessary.  It's true in the gym and throughout your life....no pain no gain. 

 

Just as soon as I master something, I am onto something more challenging.  I feel like it would be less exhausting not to have this appetite to conquer because there is a part of you that wonders as you're doing it if you will ever be happy or feel "settled".  For me, the answer is no.  The only way "feeling settled" is in the cards is just to accept this about myself.  I am always moving.  I am being the way God made me and I will probably change many many times before I die.  The day I die, I will be done growing.  I will be disappointed many more times, I will love many more, I will feel on top of the world, and low as scum. And this is fine with me. I am perfecting myself while fumbling, and it will never stop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flashback Friday-What I Should Have Done in High School

A 34-year-old Texas woman was arrested this week for posing as a high school student for 7 months.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/woman-31-accused-posing-high-school-student-months/story?id=23733214


Authorities aren't sure what Charity Anne Johnson's motive was.  Hmmmm....Haven't the cops ever seen "Never Been Kissed"?  Her experience sucked, so she went back to do it again.

I loved high school.  I had a great time.  However, there are things I would do differently if I could go back.....

• I would've gone out with the right guys.  There are a few guys I should've given a chance and I still should today.   They're probably reading.  Hi, you. :)  I'm sorry I went out with pricks.

• I would've put my cheeks on a diet.  Why did I look like a chipmunk? 

Just turned 18

•  I would have cut off about 3 inches to the waists of my 90's shorts. I mean, wtf.  Really? Those were supposed to be low-rise?  They most certainly were not.  They were disgusting.

• I would have lived in a bathing suit.  I shouldn't have taken it off.  Ever.  I should have worn a bathing suit to school, to football games, to prom.  I never should have taken it off.  What was I bitching about?  I should have graduated in my bikini.

• I would have spent more time with my family.  It is never the same after you graduate.  I remember waking up on Saturday mornings and finding that my dad had already been to the office, grabbed a paper and a box of donuts for all of us.  It was comforting.  I would walk into the kitchen and he'd say "Well good morning, Beatle" or "Hey, Princess".  I would have cherished all of the moments where I was just someone's little girl.

• I would have treated Ms. Stewart like a human being. I was such an a-hole to my Algebra 2 teacher.  I hated her because she taught math and I hated math.  I told her it was stupid and if she couldn't even tell me why I would need it, then I didn't see what the purpose of learning it was.  Then I remember being absolutely desperate for the credit because I couldn't graduate without my last math credit. I asked her to help me after school and she graciously said yes regardless of how I had acted.  I remember her sitting down with me after I had been such a bitch and she gave me cookies while I worked. I am pretty sure she still had to fail me and I ended up in remedial math before graduation, but it wasn't her fault.  I was hopeless. 

• I wouldn't have dropped Honors. I should have pushed myself more.  If I would have had a plan, I wouldn't have been so unhappy after I graduated.

• I would've found the shyest girl possible and made her be my friend. I understand now that as outgoing as I have always been, I could've been better about making sure no one felt left out.

Drugs for Distraction

"You're entirely bonkers.  But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."

I went to the doctor yesterday for a diagnosis and possible medication for something I have known I have had for years.  That's right, I went for ADD.  My mother says I always had focus problems unless I was reading or writing, and my dad said that the principal of my school in 7th grade had him take me to get tested for it.  That doctor told him that I was a teenage girl and I would grow out of it.  I guess I didn't because I went to the doctor for it again yesterday.

Yesterday, the doctor told me that my scores were "overwhelming" and that although I don't have an issue functioning in some ways, my attention to small details seems to be a struggle.  I agreed.  She also said it seems that I have to be stimulated AT ALL TIMES or I have a problem.  Also true.   If I am not into something that requires a lot of thought, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't focus and I mess up.

How it feels: If I am writing, reading, painting, drawing, analyzing, putting together a puzzle, listening to an interesting lecture, editing, playing piano, I used to play violin by ear.....bombs could go off around me and I wouldn't move.   I am happy, content, and calm.  No one bothers me because they don't exist.  When I snap out of that, whether forced or not, I feel high.  I feel like I am in a daze or a fog and I can't get out of it.  That transition between the two is always the worst.  It feels like I can't change gears, so going in and out of that is nearly impossible.  When I try to focus amongst a million outside stimuli, I feel like they are bombarding me and I get very tired and frustrated.  That's not usually a problem though because most of the time I don't really focus because the stimuli typically grabs my attention and I bounce around like a pin ball machine and my thoughts take over and then I don't notice how freaking chaotic everything is around me because I am a part of it.  I may appear to be zoning out while pumping gas, the kids are yelling, the music is blaring, the trucks are honking, the light is shining in my eyes.....but I am not.  I am thinking about how the truck across from me has two guys in it who look like they came out of "The Hills Have Eyes" and then that thought leads to another thought which leads to another thought which leads to an idea for a story I am going to write......and that's why I forget to pull the pump out of the car before I drive away. True story.  So in a sense, I am zoning out, but I never notice it because I am always thinking.  I don't know how else to explain it. 

I was late to my appointment for ADD yesterday and after I was done there, I received a call saying that I had missed a different appointment.  I said "I am sorry I missed that appointment.  I was at another appointment discussing my ADD." The lady laughed.  I laugh at myself too because what the hell are you going to do?  But the truth is, I feel like a mess and as much as I accomplish, there are things that slip and I am so exhausted just trying to maintain that sometimes I crawl into a hole and try to avoid it all.  I am overwhelmed.

I posted something goofy about it on Facebook yesterday because I just tend to make fun of myself and I have received a lot of messages and phone calls saying "No!  Don't do it!"  The truth is, I worry too.  What if I trade in things people love about me for something else?  I don't like the idea that people are all supposed to be the same and that if you don't operate "like you are supposed to" then you have a disorder.  Artists are all insane, musicians are crazy, drama students are flamboyant, and writers imagine. People are creative and curious and maybe we aren't living how we are supposed to, so we all have disorders.  Socially Anxious, Bipolar, ADD, OCD, Hyperactive, Depressed, Anxious....I am not saying that disorders aren't real, clearly, because I went for help yesterday.....but what if they only exist because the world happens to be F'd up?  If you expect human beings to be robots, then yes, we are all insane because you can't program us.

Or can you?

Pharmaceutical companies are a business.  We may not be Communists or Socialists, but we are VOLUNTARILY going to the doctor to sedate ourselves in some way so we are all the same and normal.  It makes them rich while we are possibly, in some cases, taking crap that we don't need.  I AM NOT SAYING MENTAL ILLNESS DOESN'T EXIST.  Please don't take it that way.



Here are my issues with medicating myself, or my concerns, rather:

• What if creative people just work this way?  If you read about ADD, a good majority of people who struggle with it are highly intelligent and creative.  So what if your brain just functions like this?  If I medicate myself for the mundane crap that unfortunately ruins my life, my self-confidence, and totally exhausts me, well then what happens to the rest of me?  The dreamer, the analyzer, the creative? Is it worth trading in the positive process in which your brain functions just so you won't get into trouble for doing something "careless" because you "don't care"?  I'll be honest....I used to be bored in school.  I did well, but I was bored.  I was distracting and completely oblivious to the fact that other children wanted to listen.  It completely went over my head.  I physically taped my mouth shut but I would peel it back to talk, so that didn't work.  My desk was the messiest by far, I was always forgetful, and I never heard the teacher call my name.  My name was always on the board with checks beside it.  Looking back, I didn't want to sit and listen to a bunch of crap I had already read the night before and retained.  So what did I do?  Stimulated myself because they couldn't.  Why is that the child's fault?  Why should I be expected to sit for 8 hours a day with 30 minutes of recess when I am a child who needs to exercise because I am full of youth?  Why should I be expected to work out a math problem a way that makes no sense to me but if I get the answer correctly on my own, it's marked for wrong because I didn't do it the "right way".  Maybe the system sucks for some of us. Then again, I was the kid who scored a hundred on the test and got points taken off for not writing her name on it.  Story of my life to forget the easiest part.  As I got older, I began to believe I was a problem, stupid, an airhead and so on, and it caused me anxiety, depression and I made some impulsive decisions because of that.  It wasn't until college that I learned that I actually wasn't a bad kid, an idiot, an airhead, and stupid and lazy.

• What if ADD isn't real, but it's more of a result of this stupid world and how we "are supposed to function"?  If I lived on a farm, would I have issues?  Maybe not.  But the fact that I have to drive in traffic with four children, pay my bills, answer my stupid ass phone, answer texts, work full time, do the laundry, eat, sleep, grocery shop, remember cupcakes for the kids' birthday at school, change the batteries to the remote, remember my vitamins, water the flowers, work out.....I mean WTF.  WE aren't ROBOTS!!!!   What if we are just living in a crazy world where we feel like hamsters on a wheel? I do.  I feel like that. 
• Is neutralizing emotions really something we should be doing? Now I haven't taken anything for focus, but I have known enough people who have said that when you take something for these disorders, you end up neutralizing your emotions.  To a person who is creative and finds inspiration from highs and lows and feelings, that's a scary thing to curb.  Have you ever seen "The Stepford Wives"?  I picture something like that.  This imperfect woman who fumbles sometimes also does something amazing.....and then the men turn her into a robot where she has no emotions.  She's just Blah.  That is so freaking scary to me.  
• Side Effects. I am not going to have issues with sex drive, mood, weight....or I won't take it.  HELL no. I might rather drive away pulling a gas pump behind my car and get speeding tickets than to not have a sex drive and never want to eat.  Just kill me. I have never taken a Xanax, I have never taken a sleeping pill....this is a very serious issue to me.

On the other hand, maybe if I medicate myself, I will stop using all of my energy concentrating so hard on stuff that I can't and therefore, I will be better. I don't know.  I am truly on the fence about this.  I don't know what I am going to do, but like everything else, I will do my research and analyze the crap out of it and UNLIKE Alice this time, I will not just eat it and see if I grow.  

The 10 Most Annoying Things Kids Do

1.) Leave all of the cabinets, drawers and doors open. There is a scene in The Sixth Sense...remember when the ghost opens every single cabinet? I am that mother.  I walk into a room and that's what I find, except there is no ghost to blame, only my children. I wish I could yell at a ghost because the ghost wouldn't be a smart ass. I simply don't understand why it's so difficult to close a door of any kind. It takes like a millisecond.

2.) Fight. I don't like to fight with people. This doesn't mean that I find peace in my life. It's always "Stop!!!" "Mom! He went in my room!" "Tell her to STOPPPP!" and "Get off my side!" Ok. You're 13. The crack in the car no longer counts as a real boundary. Get over it.

3.) Ask the same question over and over. When they do this to me, I look a lot like Rain Man when he doesn't get to watch Judge Wapner.  The only way to get them to stop asking the same question is to scare them and act crazy. They will go away eventually.

 4.) Rifle through your stuff like the Feds. You may as well lock up all sexual contraband with the guns because they WILL find it.  I will never forget the time I had to get off the phone with my friend, Kellie, because Logan had handcuffed Lindsey to a chair.

5.) Immediately have a crises or remember an important story.....as soon as you get on the phone. Mothers, you KNOW!  YOU KNOW!  Dads, bite me.  You just don't get it.  It's like a law of nature.
The phone is rings. 

Kids: Time to build that bomb and give Mom wedgies! 

6.) Get sticky stuff all over the door handles.  Kids are sticky in general. I love their little sticky fingers, but I don't like the doorknobs gooey.

7.) Make bizarre, loud, high-pitched noises while you're driving. This is much like the phone rule.  When in the car, it is mandatory to try as hard as possible to drive mom off the road by making squawking noises like a parrot.

8.) Publicly humiliate you. I am not talking about temper tantrums.  Those suck too.  What I mean though is that your kids will announce finding those handcuffs....errrrrr whatever you're into.

9.) Throw clean clothes in the hamper. Lindsey now does her own laundry.  She didn't believe me when I threatened her for 7 years, but now she does.  And it's amazing how many times she does this since washing her own clothes....zero!

10.) Say "Oh, I didn't hear you." How convenient that you didn't hear me tell you to take the trash out, but you heard me upstairs in my bathroom, whispering after answering my phone, which was on vibrate.  Very interesting.

7 Deadly Signs She Doesn't Like You Like That

A guy I know asked me to write "How to know if a girl likes you" two weeks ago.  I texted him a few days later and I said "I can't write this.  I don't know the answer."  He asked me again to write it.  I told him yet again that I am the absolute worst person to write about that because I am outgoing and friendly and everyone thinks that I like them. I am considered either friendly or flirtatious....the answer will be different depending on how well you know me.  If you don't know me, you'll probably think I am a flirt.  If you know me, you'll tell someone who thinks I am flirting, "that's just Britt."


Anyway.....


An outgoing girl will do one of two things....completely confuse you or be straight up.  Either they "flirt" with everything that moves, and in that situation you may have to redefine what a flirt is because she is just being herself, or they will straight up tell you they like you because they aren't afraid to be clear and communicate what their intentions are.

A shy girl will either show a huge contrast between how she treats you and someone else, or she will completely clam up and not know how to be around you and show you absolutely no sign of being interested even when she is. 

I can't write how to know if a girl likes you because that's not an easy answer because we are all different. However, I do know some things that a girl does when she doesn't like you like that though, and that's how I have decided to write this. 

1. She calls you a friend.  Girls who are into you do not call you a friend. Unless you are having sex with her and there is some grey Friends with Benefits thing happening and she is keeping her feelings on lock-down, NO.  Girls don't say this. Ohhhh baby you got what I neeeeed, but you say he's just a friend.....sorry. I had to sing. 
2. She takes her sweet ass time answering text messages or completely forgets to call you back. When you are into a guy, it is nearly impossible to hold off on that response text and not to answer when he calls because he is like crack.  As girls, we all tell each other to hold out and not immediately text and call.  We think it's better not to be so available, but we really don't listen.  If you feel out of breath from chasing her, she is probably not feeling it the same way you are. 
3. She pulls away when you touch her or kiss her. A guy once said to me "Why do you keep pulling away when I try to kiss you". Funny.  I thought I was pretty clear about how I was feeling when I did this.  Apparently scientists are correct when they say that women are better at reading body language.
4. She says "Awww, you're so sweet" when you compliment her. All girls do this.  They mean it.  You are sweet and she appreciates the compliment....from a friend. She probably even loves you as a friend, but she isn't dreaming of picking out her china pattern with you. The "awwww, thank you" text means "I don't know how he means this, this could be potentially awkward therefore I'd better handle this now."
5. She talks about the guy she is hooked on. I'm sure this is not only annoying to a man, but it's also like sniffing a bunch of Anthrax while talking to the girl you like.  Now I am not saying this is the kiss of death necessarily forever, because some guys can swoop in there and be the shoulder she turns to when she has finally had enough....but for now, you are most definitely hard-core friend-zoned.
6. She doesn't go out with you on what's presumably a date night. She is probably uncomfortable with doing things that may appear to be dates with you if she isn't into you.  She will be fine hanging out at weird times and doing non-romantic things because it's safer and nothing will be confused.
7.  She doesn't give you the Doe Eyes.  Mine were first pointed out to me by a guy that I WAS definitely in love with, so I know this is true.  Doe Eyes are reserved.  Only that guy you like knows the difference and he knows when you aren't in love anymore because they're gone. I can feel mine on my face. They're big and in love and they only come out sometimes.  Note: Good eye contact doesn't count, Horny eyes aren't the same. 

Say What You're Saying

“The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”

-Friedrich Nietzsche.

I recently had what you might call a "run-in" with a woman who is rude, bossy, and extremely condescending.  Basically, I was completely mute, a rude comment was directed out of the blue toward me, and I pretty much ignored it and looked bewildered.  It irritated me, but I brushed it off like everyone else must do where this person is concerned.  It's just how the person is and I knew I shouldn't take it personally because she's stupid.  However, I started to think more about that statement that was comfortably racing through my head....."it's just her personality, it's just how she is".  Why do a-holes get a pass for being a-holes just because their personality sucks more than 95% of the time?  I mean, how much sense does that make?  We come to expect it, so therefore, we accept it?  I do not!  It is NOT OK.  I realize that we accept it because there's nothing we can do about it, but what if we all started saying something rather than ignoring it?

What is so damn irritating about condescension is that it's just a coward's way of going as far as they can while trying not to get punched in the face. If you want to say something, just say it.  I can either ignore you, laugh at you, punch you, never speak to you again, or tell you why your opinion does or doesn't matter to me. But when you make a "joke" or a comment that you "don't mean" and you can conveniently take back and call me crazy when I confront you, it leaves me confused.  No, I am sorry, I won't be condescending.....what I mean is, I am not confused, I mean that you're smiling and I want to punch your face anyway. 

I want to tell someone next time they make a crappy joke or behave in a rude, condescending manner......."Just stop dancing around what you're 'not really saying' and just say it."  It would also be awesome if the person said WHY they are saying it, but women who are condescending are just jealous anyway and there's no way they'll ever admit to THAT, so it will never happen.  Can you imagine that though?

Straight-Up Beotch: I really don't like you because you're (Insert any adjective: smarter, skinnier, prettier, funnier, hotter, cuter, stronger)  than me.  So what do you have to say about that?

Me: I respect your opinion, now kiss my (Insert Adjective: smart, skinny, pretty, funny, hot, cute, strong) ass.


See how that works?  No condescension involved.  Just two girls, being upfront, and choosing to completely dismiss each other.

Even though you have been given free speech, it isn't okay to try to hurt people and make them feel bad.  You aren't allowed to just go around calling someone fat, too skinny, a bad mom, a bad cook, ugly, and so on, just because you feel like it.  However, you're saying it anyway with your condescension, so stop hiding behind your stupid smile and your ridiculous laugh and say it.

All of this is unrealistic though, so really, the problem for someone who treats you this way should really only be this: that you don't care about what they think or say.  You're fabulous and anyone who knows you understands everything about you.  Nothing says Screw You like indifference. So I guess we're back to the beginning-this is why a-holes get a pass....because we take the high road. 

They still suck. 

Just a Girl

No matter what logic I usually apply to my life and regardless of how much I analyze a situation and look at all of the possible outcomes, sometimes I remind myself that I do things simply because I am a girl and I don't care about logic....you know, like wearing high heels.

My contractors warned me about putting these delicate chandeliers in my bedroom, my bathroom, and Lindsey's room. They said it would be cooler and more efficient to put in ceiling fans. I told them I wanted the chandeliers and that was that. They're pretty. 

It's hot as hell in my bedroom now that it's spring. This choice was entirely a girl choice and there was absolutely no logic to this decision whatsoever. It was pure, ridiculous vanity. I now sleep with a fan next to my bed, blowing in my face. But if my contractors ever ask? I'm smiling and saying "Everything is great!!!! I love them!" Because I'm just a girl. 

The MIA Douchebag

I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the male population.  I fully understand and can usually identify the Players, the Whores, the Prudes, the Nice Guys, the Serial Monogamists, the Serial Singles, the Liars, the ADD Texters, the Stage 5 Clingers, the Confused, the Cheaters, the Brilliant and the Idiots.....but there is one man I don't understand at all.  This man is the MIA Douchebag and he disappears so suddenly that you have to assume one the following:

1. He has an STD and he is too afraid and guilt-ridden to take it any further with you.
2. He died.  OR.....
3. He was kidnapped by terrorists.

That's it.  There is no explanation, no bad ending, no conversation, no nothing with these ball-less men.  They leave you to assume that they died in a car crash and what's bizarre is that they are perfectly fine with that. I mean, what does your soul look like when you are just fine letting someone assume you died?  Black and crusty.  That's what it looks like.

Let me clarify a few things before I move on.   Just yesterday I got a text from a guy that said "You disappeared again"....I tend to do that, but only because I am busy and I have ADD.  There is the difference between me and the MIA Douchebag: I am a bad texter with almost everyone, even my mom, and everyone understands that about me.  Eventually I will answer you and especially if you ask me if I am dead.  I would make sure not to disappear though if I were A.) Sleeping with someone B.) Dating someone or C.) Wanted to sleep with or date someone.  Why not? Because the rules are just different when you are pursuing someone romantically or sexually, says me, and I am pretty sure everyone else on the planet who isn't a douchebag would say the same thing.  You don't have to be smothering, in fact, PLEASE DON'T CLING, but you also can't just evaporate without a reason when you are "talking" or dating.  I would have the courage to say any of the following to a guy I am not interested in: "I like someone else" or "I am too busy for a boyfriend" or "I just don't like you that way" and I would at the very least tell him that I am still alive.   Actually, I have said all of these things....but yet men with actual balls don't. 

This kind of man doesn't care if you think he's dead.  He also doesn't care what you think of him. In fact, he probably hopes you will assume he died so he has a good excuse for being a prick.

My friends have all experienced this.  My limited dating experience left me wondering if I have ever seen this before and then I realized, I have.  First of all, understand that these are not men who are having sex with the girl and leaving after that.  That's not what's going on.  These guys don't even get that far before faking their death.  Why?  I would understand it more if they "got what they wanted" but that would put them in the player and whore categories and these guys are not getting anything at all.  They just simply bail without a "Peace Out".

One of my friends recently experienced this (and she is NOT a clingy girl, just so you understand what we're dealing with here); this douchebag was texting her every day, hanging out with her, and the last thing he said was that he wanted to see her again.  Like a week or two later, she hadn't heard from him.  She texted him "I hope you're still alive" and he said nothing.  We like to say he fell off a cliff and died on impact.  Another one of my friends has been experiencing the same thing.  It's happened to her THREE TIMES. They are totally interested until the moment they disappear.  I think a serial killer got them one by one.....this serial killer was targeting douchebags. 

I might have told my friends that they were doing something wrong until I realized that I have seen this before.  This guy tried going out with me for about a year.  I finally said yes, we planned on going out, that night something came up, and now he's dead I assume.  I don't know how in the world you can go from damn near breaking down a girl's door to not even going out on that date you said you wanted so badly.  My last words to him were "I hope you're not dead".  I never heard back, so I guess he is.  The Douchebag Serial Killer got him too.

If a person wants to pursue another girl or guy, gets scared, gets bored...whatever the reason, everyone deserves an answer, or at least the blow-off text that 99% of the population can understand.  The 1% who doesn't understand has friends who are going to tell him or her that he or she is being blown off if he or she doesn't get it.  If someone says "Are you alive?"  You should at least answer "Yes.  I'm alive, but I am too busy to talk to you."  How much less evasive can a text message be and exactly how small ARE your balls?  If you can't handle an explanation via TEXT, you are a gigantic coward.  Even if you don't want to give the truth, SOMETHING should be said.  I'm not about to sit here and say that I have always given an honest response as to why I didn't want to talk to a guy anymore.  I dated a guy when I was 22 and I felt that he might be gay.  Did I tell him that?  No.  I just said "I met someone else."  It would have been rude to just behave like I had died in a plane crash.  Plus, I wasn't looking for a debate about his sexuality.  If you can tell the truth, do so.

I end this with a note:


Dear all MIA Douchebags who have faked their deaths,

Grow a pair and give a girl an answer.  Any answer.  A text is the easiest way to communicate because it only requires your fingers to move up and down, typing letters, which make up words, which make up sentences, which make up.....A SET OF BALLS. 

Peace Out, 

All Girls

Signs You're Not In Love Anymore

I have been getting a lot of requested topics lately and I love that.  This was suggested by one of my cousins, so darling, thanks for the request! Unfortunately, this post isn't as simple as you had probably hoped.  Why?  Because when you are figuring out that you aren't in love anymore, you get your answers by asking yourself a million questions.....and listening to your heart.  And THAT is not simple. 

This topic cannot be simplified and I am not comfortable simplifying it, mainly because, well, what is love?  It is complicated.  What is being in love?  Is "being in love" just lust?  How do you know whether or not you are just experiencing a low point in your relationship?  When do you leave?  Should you leave?  Can real love die?  Can you get it back?  Can you damage it so badly that you can kill it forever?  And was it really love if it was capable of death? Like I said, complicated. 

I think that when it gets down to it, no matter what kind of situation you are in, you have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to listen to all of those nasty thoughts that we like to push away when we are unhappy because they are indicators of a problem.  We ignore them because we don't want to admit that we aren't happy.  But if you face them, you are either going to use them to fix it, or you are going to use them to be straight up with yourself and the other person and end the relationship. 

When you are not in love anymore, you may feel uninspired.  Bored.  Unhappy.  Irritable.  Antsy.  Trapped. You want to run.  And then you feel guilty for feeling these things.  The worst thing you can do, in any relationship, is ignore these feelings.  Plus, your partner sees it.  You aren't fooling anyone, so you may as well face it.

You have to consider some things before just saying "Ok, I am not in love anymore, that's that and I want out".  How much have you committed?  Are you married?  Because in a real relationship where you know the person, you are going to have down spots and not every day is going to be filled with butterflies.  Do you have children? Are you being realistic in your expectations or are you just wanting the high that occurs in the beginning of a relationship?  Are you trying?  Do you truly love the person?  Is the person right for you?  Has the person hurt you beyond repair?  Have you hurt the person beyond repair? 

Here's what my advice would be....

• To a young, single person, I would say to take these questions seriously and that it isn't a huge deal to move on.  I wasted 4 years of my life staying with a person because I was young and unable to see beyond the age of 23.  He mistreated me, he wasn't right for me, and I was absolutely miserable.  Then, when I tried to end it, he would beg me not to break up with him and cry. I mean, really, what was I doing?  I didn't know what real commitment and love was.  There is no reason to be so young and unhappy.  You have a long time to find out what you want and who you are and to be quite honest, you're going to change like 4 times before you're even ready for a relationship for good anyway, so listen to those thoughts and act accordingly.
• To a married person who has invested 14 years in a marriage, my answer would be completely different than it would be to a 21-year-old. Why?  Why would a married person waste a life that took years to build?  The reasons have to be pretty damn solid, or should be.  Relationships are hard, they change over time, and you have to consider all of the variables first before giving up.  And yet sometimes they should end. 
• If you are an older single person who can't seem to commit seriously, you should consider whether or not your expectations are too high. No one is going to be perfect.  I actually can identify with this category the most at this stage in my life.  Why?  Because when you are in your 30's, especially if you have already been through a marriage and divorce, you know what you want.  Before you know it, your list is like 207 lines long and you CAN stand to wait for it because you are older, wiser, and more capable of being on your own.  Part of you knows the person doesn't exist and then you realize that you really don't care.  You're happy alone and if the fairytale guy or girl doesn't exist, you aren't going to cry about it because you're smiling alone like a crazy person that no one understands. What this means is that it's harder to get into relationships and bond, and it's easier to cut people off.  You don't have to be unhappy and you know it. 

It's just a decision.  Are you going to stay or leave?  No one can tell you what to do. You have to balance being methodical and logical and listening to your heart and going with your gut.  It sucks. I have loved before and I have lost it.  I have felt when it was slipping, and although it always took me a while to accept that it was gone, I have always eventually accepted that it is never coming back. It's then that I have made decisions about my life.

It's sad once you reach the point that you can't make yourself be the same person you were.  It's devastating realizing that you can't make your heart feel things it doesn't because you know then that no matter what you do from that point on, you are robbing the other person if you aren't honest.  It is no longer really just your decision anymore and just about you.  You have to consider the other person's life and time.

If Men Thought Like Target....

 If men thought like Target, no one would ever get divorced. Target satisfies every woman on the planet, therefore there is no way a woman can say no to Target, leaving Target a rich and powerful man.  Target satisfies needs you didn't know were there and for that, women are eternally grateful and they never stray.  A woman may leave Target broke, but she has a cart full of  things that make her happy, so we keep coming back for more.


If men thought like Target, they would realize that.....

1. We have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.  Anything you can do to make a our lives easier, especially when children come along, we appreciate.  Target made it possible to buy underwear, electronics, home goods and a month's worth of groceries all in one stop. 
2.  We like cleanliness. Walmart is gross.  Going to Walmart is almost always a mistake. If Walmart were a man, he would be a dirty frat boy.  If Target were a man, he would be George Clooney.  We like a clean, organized nest and a clean man and we always regret when we stray from that. My thought in Walmart? "I should've gone to Target."
3. We love Starbucks.  Yes, we will pay a million dollars for a coffee no matter how stupid you think it is.   We'll do anything for coffee.  You bring us coffee, especially in bed, we love you looong time.
4. We like thoughtfulness. We find all kinds of useful items in Target.  Much to our chagrin, they wind up completely useless.  We don't care.  It's the thought that counts.
5. We like to turn useless items into something great. Piggybacking on Number 4, we always think we can use it and we will try our damnedest to turn it into something.  It's in our nature to see promise in little things.  When you think we're mothering or being pushy with you, we probably just see more potential in you than you see in yourself.
6. We like to feel secure.  I have so many mini-products in my purse.  If I were ever in a plane crash, I would make sure to befriend the woman with the ginormous hobo bag.  She's got it goin' on in there....promise. Actually, I would BE the woman with the hobo bag, so sit next to me.
7. Again, We like to feel secure. We always know Target has our back.  Target will always have something that will suffice. I know that if I only want to make one stop with the kids (because shopping SUCKS most of the time with children), Target is my safest bet.  Otherwise, I have to get them in and out of the car, walk them through several parking lots safely, and then make them behave in like 5 or 6 stores, the WHOLE TIME, battling boredom, fighting, blood sugar drops and temper tantrums.  We really like knowing where our safest bet is and whoever can provide that security, we love.
8. Sometimes we like someone to cook for us. Target has a restaurant for those screaming children.  It's as if a man got up and made them pizza and grilled cheese so we could get some chores done around the house. That dude's getting some later.....

By the way, the founder of Target was a man.

Flashback Friday-Before Smart Phones

I didn't have a Smart Phone until probably 3 years ago and the cell phone I had before that was very basic and I didn't care about it.  I cared so little about my phone that most of the arguments I had with my husband were about how I never answered my phone.  I was irritated by having to carry it and I never seemed to remember to charge it.  In fact, my phone was almost always dead and somewhere at the bottom of my purse. I liked it that way.  Can you imagine that?  I have ADHD and I knew without a doubt that the cell phone was bad for me.  It made it very hard for me to pay attention and accomplish anything and because I rarely carried it, I could most definitely tell the difference in my ability to focus when I had it.

With the exception of a brief run-in with My Space a million years ago, ha, I wasn't on social media until a year and a half ago.  People used to look at me like I was a freak when I said "No, I am not on Facebook" and it didn't bother me at all....but then after a few years, it began to upset me.  I went to my 10 year reunion and had to say "I'm not on Facebook" about 37 times.  I remember feeling frustrated with myself for not just giving in and joining. More time passed and I  really started to resent Facebook, yes, I realize that this was irrational.  I would give someone I'd just met my email address or phone number and I knew as soon as I handed them over that I would more than likely never hear from them again because I wasn't able to "add" them.  I started writing blogs about hating Mark Zuckerberg and the whole lame ass society called Facebook.  I swore I would never give in.  Why did I have issues with Facebook?  I felt that it wasn't real and that this kind of socialization was unnatural.  My major was Journalism and I had taken a lot of Mass Communication and New Media classes and therefore had read a lot of studies about where we as a society were headed and how the human psyche might be affected, and honestly, I didn't want any part of it.  So what changed for me since I felt so strongly about it?

It's pretty simple, really.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  And by the way, before I go further, I'm like the most chatty Facebook person ever. I love it. But continuing.....I was tired of not knowing what was going on with the people in my life.  I remember emailing pictures of my kids (there would usually never be a response because it was just one more place someone had to go for information) and calling people.  When I finally did talk to someone, they would always know 52 new things about something going on in the family that I didn't know about.  My grandpa could've had a heart attack and I felt like no one would think to inform me.  What was worse is that in the midst of my frustration and feelings of loneliness, they would say "Oh, sorry, I forgot.  You aren't on Facebook."  F U, Zuckerberg, I would think to myself.  I was completely out of the loop with my own flesh and blood.  I had become so incredibly clueless and isolated that I had no choice but to get on the bandwagon.  See, I am a social butterfly.  I love people, I love stories, I love talking, I love eye contact and chemistry.  I have always been this way and so this was really hard for me to feel like I had no clue about anything or anyone. 

I am not here to shred social media.  I think it has many benefits and I really can't attack Facebook now because I am a person who posts a lot, and I won't attack it because I appreciate the benefits of it.  I love talking to the people I had lost touch with, making new friends, and getting to know acquaintances better. Technology got me, a hundred percent.  But, it has changed me too in a lot of ways, and not for the better.  We are talking about a girl who felt so disconnected because she used to complain about her friends coming over and staring at their phones, but now maybe doesn't mind so much because she just stares at hers.  We are talking about a girl who used to cry because she never knew what was going on with her family and now slaps something on Facebook so they know she's alive and ignores incoming calls so she can be alone for 20 minutes and not have to think.  And here is the most heart breaking thing of all....At one point, I used to look my kids dead in the eye and not look away when they told me a story.  Now they sometimes grab my face with both hands, turn my head toward them, search for eye contact and say "Look, Mama.  Don't look at your phone, look at me."  I know it isn't all the time, but I am a good mother who adores her children and I absolutely cannot stand the reality that they have ever felt less important to me than anything....especially a machine. 

We are becoming antisocial, isolated, lonely, and we are getting more depressed.  No one posts about the stuff that sucks in their lives and if they do, you can't stand their drama and hide them from your Newsfeed.  Break-ups are harder because you can't get over the person due to the fact that you can't disconnect without deleting them or blocking them (which is really quite painful), work is less productive, and while we have more shallow relationships, we are taking time away from the ones that should be getting deeper.

We can most definitely enjoy technology; I am while I post this blog, and then post it to Facebook.  However, we also have to be present with the people who show up, we have to look at the world around us, and we all just need to really watch how we are choosing to spend the moments in which we are given.  They're precious and they are passing us by.  

I have already decided that I am going to start enforcing "Technology Free Sunday" in my house.  I am going to check my social media only three times a day, and anything that happens, pictures that are taken....it's all going to be posted later so I can be IN the moment rather than be distracted from what I am experiencing. I have needed to do these things for a while, but hey....I have ADHD.  I love distractions while loathing the fact that I love them.

Take a second to watch this video.  I know I have taken up enough of your time, but I promise it's worth it.  I basically gave you MY take on it, now listen to it from this English dude.  Who doesn't like a British accent?  It's moving.