Top 10 Things You Should Know Before You Date a Single Mother

1. She doesn't have time to dick around, so take it as a compliment that she is sharing her time with you. My time is precious. Not just my life in general, but my time with and without my children.  I have to squeeze a lot of stuff in when I don't have the kids, whether it's running errands or having fun.  If I were to date, I would ask myself one simple question....."Is he Friday night worthy?" Because that's what it comes down to.  If you are co-parenting, you get every other weekend free to hang out with someone and if you're a new person, you have to compete with those she knows she already likes.  Be worthy or don't bother.  Some mothers get NO time to themselves.  Respect her free time and work around it or it won't work.  Single mothers have to jump through a lot of hoops to make time for a guy, so you should be willing to try and do the same for her.   Know which weekends she has the kids, doesn't have the kids, etc.  
2. If she's a good mom, accept that you won't be number one. Really think about this one.  Her kids should come first.  You don't want a woman who doesn't put her kids first.  Mothers who don't are flaky.   
3. She has a lot going on. Just because she isn't texting you every five seconds doesn't mean she doesn't like you.  It means she has more on her plate than she can even describe and she is trying to hold it together and be strong for more than just herself.  You can't get your feelings hurt.  And if she is actually good about getting back to you or texting you or checking in, you mean a lot to her because it isn't an easy thing to do and it takes a lot of effort. If a guy ever gets mad at me for that, he can just pretty much lose my number.  I don't have time for nor do I need another thing to handle and because I am fine alone; I have no problem freeing myself of nuisances. 
4. She has more to consider before even starting to date you, which means she's already committed more than you might realize. Before a mom goes on a date, she already has in her head what she SHOULD have in her life and obviously she is looking for something, or she wouldn't be going on the date in the first place.  Now sometimes she is looking for "the one" and sometimes she just wants something not complicated and to have fun. Contrary to popular belief, women don't all want marriage and sometimes they've been burned. One thing is for sure though, single moms have learned a lot, they know a lot, chances are they've been through a lot, they have analyzed and considered everything in their life before even meeting you.  Don't shake her world up without consideration if she likes you and continues to see you.  Don't screw around with something precious like a single mother.  She has other people needing her to be at her best.  I don't mean that you have to propose the first night you go out, but what I mean is that you need to understand that she is risking a lot by giving you a chance.  And then there are circumstances where you don't stand a chance to get into her life because she doesn't want anything serious.  It all depends.... 
5. Not all women who have children are looking to be supported and are not out looking for a daddy.  When I got divorced, everyone said to find someone rich who can afford four kids because a person like that won't care that I have four kids.  I was like "What?  NO! Screw that! I'll do it on my own!"  I don't want something like money to dictate who I love and it shouldn't dictate the way someone feels about me. I want to give myself options and take the load off whoever I end up loving. I'm not backing myself into a corner where I need or have to find someone.  Ok, now that isn't to say that some mothers don't want or need support or to find a daddy and I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this if they want to go that route, but don't assume you know what she wants.  I'm actually offended when a man assumes this. There are some women who are hellbent on doing things themselves, like me.  I always find it humorous when a guy is intimidated that I have four kids.  Sorry, but I do.  I feel like saying "Excuse me, who the hell are you and why are you assuming I would even LET you support me, my children or pay my bills?  Get the F out of here."  Like, way to put the cart before the horse, random person who just met me.  You don't even get to meet my kids, much less help me raise them. THIS, I've got. 
6. Some mothers have a guard up and it doesn't mean that we are bitches.  There are a lot of freaks out there.  We are protecting more than just ourselves.  Put the time in it takes for us to trust you or just go away.   
7. Understand her arrangement. For example, my children have a father.  That relationship must be respected and if it isn't, there is no way in hell I will be with you.  That isn't to say that you can't be involved in a mother's life, but you have to consider the situation and be respectful and it's probably going to take time, at least, I think it should.  However, there are a lot of situations where kids don't have fathers at all and if you are the only man present, you are more than likely going to be the dad.  Understand the circumstances.  I also think that people rush things too often.  When there are children involved, people should take their time and use their heads. 
8. Don't assume there will be drama/be ready to deal with drama. It depends on the situation.  Some parents get along and co-parent well, some don't, sometimes there are just occasions where you have issues.  If you are thinking about getting into a dramatic situation, well, you'd better love that person, that child, and you'd better be stronger or just as strong as the woman.  She's probably needing a break by now.   If you aren't, don't bother.  And if you have met a girl who has a pretty decent situation, well, that's awesome. It makes a world of difference.
9. Consider that she may or may not want to get married and have children again, or consider the fact that she does.  Don't neglect that conversation.  It's important to know where you both stand on that before anyone gets attached. 
10. Good mothers know about unconditional love. This is perhaps the single most awesome thing about being with a GOOD mother. Having a child changes you because you learn about patience and love.  We know how to love unconditionally.  If we weren't nurturing before, we are now.
    
     

Why Everyone Needs to Have Their Heart Broken

 
Before reading this, understand that I am not referring to my marriage and divorce here in this post.  Marriage and divorce are so much more complicated and going through a divorce no matter which side you are on just straight up sucks and the grieving process is not like a break-up when you are never married.  The death of a marriage is worse than you can imagine, even if you are polite about it. 

So now that I said this, I have to say something less than flattering about myself, but it is the truth and I may or may not be unique....not a single time that I ever broke up with anyone did I ever cry or feel an emotion of any kind except relief and the desire to celebrate my freedom.  I realize that it's because when I get to the point when I am done, what it really means is that I have been done for a while and I just didn't break up with the person until I was past the point that I cared anymore...but still, I felt nothing in what I guess was a delicate situation.  I would say a situation where a guy is crying and begging and pleading for you to love him again is delicate, right?  I have felt nothing when this has happened....not anger, not resentment, not guilt, not love, not sadness, not mercy, just absolute indifference.  I didn't even feel the urge to say "You should've listened to me" because even that would have taken too much effort or thought for a person who just simply didn't matter to me anymore.  My attitude was that they treated me badly, so oh well, they made their bed and they have to lay in it and watch me live my life, which will be more awesome without them in it.  I didn't ever feel like I should have to explain again why I was done because I had already said it 4,000 times during the relationship.  I couldn't understand why they seemed so surprised that I didn't love them anymore since I had warned them every time they hurt me that one day I would feel nothing and I would walk out with no expression on my face. And for how sweet I can be, I have to admit, that is creepy. 

The bad thing about indifference is that you come off as cold (but you aren't even that warm, honestly) and when you end something with someone, you need to be compassionate even if you really don't care.  Why?  Because they still do.   I broke up with one guy on the phone.  He sent me flowers with a bear in it, which I ended up running over with a car while my friends and I laughed.  I broke up with one person by walking over to a payphone and telling someone to pick me up....he didn't even get the two words he deserved.  In fact, the only thing he got was a U-Haul out front and getting dragged across the floor as he clung to my ankles, begging me to forgive him.  I never said one word and the only noise that was made over his crying was the door slamming behind my ass.

Why am I writing this?  For two reasons....

1.) It really doesn't matter who is at fault because in the end, we should all try to empathize and be more compassionate.

and

2.) To warn people to take care of the people they are in relationships with.  Love is a gift and you don't want to push someone to the point of indifference.  They can't help it when they go ignored that long.  


The truth is, I never understood how it felt to be on the losing end of a break-up.  I had never been left, broken up with and I had never had my heart broken.  Once I finally experienced my heart being broken, I finally understood how my ex-boyfriends felt, regardless of whether they deserved me leaving them or not.  What I told myself when I broke up with someone is "Why is he angry?  He is the one who screwed up. Why should I have to deal with his anger, after everything else???"  Now I understand that anger comes from the frustration that you love someone who refuses to love you back or who is incapable.  I told myself "He should have listened.  I warned him."  Yes, but people aren't perfect and unfortunately, knowing that they screwed up only makes them feel crappier because they realize that they could have stopped it from happening.  Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.  I told myself "He doesn't love me, if he did, he never would have treated me badly."  This is true and yes, I totally deserved better, but now I feel compassion for people who don't know how to love rather than completely disregarding the effed-up feelings they do have.  I am thankful that I know what love is and that I know how to love wholeheartedly.  How horrible would it be to be self-destructive and to destroy things you love?  

What I have learned is that the heart is delicate and I will forever be careful when I have one in my hands.  If I don't feel the same way, I will never let it go far.  If I need to end things, I will never do it over the phone, by text or by post-it. (Sex and the City reference, lol.)  I will always try to understand that regardless of my beliefs or reasons for ending something, another person is hurting, that it is a  delicate situation, and that it really does hurt like hell to be heart broken.

If you have been given the blessing of love, treat it with care.  Don't assume that it will always be there.  Once a person becomes indifferent, they can't come back to you even if they wish they could. Trust me.  I love with everything I have, and I have been there....cold, expressionless, without even the desire to say "Screw you."  

Mason Jars

Ok, so I am about to change your life.  I can't take credit for inventing this but I will take credit for being the bomb for telling you about it.  Ha ha.  I was on Pinterest all weekend and I finally got around to trying some of the things I had pinned.  I bought a bunch of Mason Jars and made three different things with them. 

First, I made porridge for my breakfast for the entire week.  I added flax seeds and I only did frozen raspberries.  I also stick mine in the microwave for about 40 seconds or so.  I think it tastes like cobbler.  It is SOOOO freaking good.  I eat it with a boiled egg (I boil an entire carton at the beginning of the week and stick them all in the fridge.)

Food Babe's Parfait Porridge

 

 

 

These are the ingredients for one serving:

• ¼ cup oat groats rinsed and drained (I used oats)
• ¼ cup ezekiel cereal, muesli, or ¼ cup steel or rolled oats (for texture) (I used muesli)
• 1 tsp of currants (I didn't use these at all)
• sprinkle of cinnamon
• 4 ounces unsweetened almond milk
• 1 tsp of chia seeds (optional) (I did use them)
• 1 cup fresh or frozen fruit of your choice (Like I said, I used raspberries.  SO good.)

 

Instructions

1. In a "to go" glass container of your choice: Place oat groats, ezekiel cereal/oats, cinnamon, currants, chia seeds, and almond milk in the container and stir
2. Top mixture with fresh or frozen fruit
3. Let mixture sit in fridge overnight or up to three days in fridge

 

 

Ok, so then I made three snacks with the jars.  I put hummus at the bottom of some jars and stuffed carrots and celery in them.  Then I made some with peanut butter and apples and peanut butter and celery.  Honestly, it looked cute but I cut the stalks too short and the apple slices were hard to get out.  I probably won't do this again.  Instead, I will just pack them in baggies and little containers for the dip.

 

Are you ready for the best part?  First of all, the reason that Mason Jars are awesome is because they keep the salad fresher due to the fact that they are glass rather than plastic.  Also, when you pour them out, the ingredients are in order!  BRILLIANT!  Ok, so here is where I screwed up and had to go back to the store, so keep this in mind....the jars for my breakfast needed to be smaller, but my salad wouldn't fit in the smaller ones.  I needed the largest ones. Buy the biggest ones.

 

 

 

So the trick here is that the dressing is at the bottom. You don't have to cart around a bottle of dressing or leave it in the fridge at work.  You create a barrier of veggies on top of the dressing, then add cheese and protein and then the lettuce on top.  When you pour it out, it's all in order!  Right?  Coolest ever.  You can prep a few at a time. I am super picky about salad so just Google recipes or do whatever you want.  This week I did baby kale, pecans, grilled chicken, dried cranberries and a little goat cheese.  I only do olive oil with salt and pepper on my salad because when I eat salad dressing, I then have to eat like a bottle of Tums for the rest of the day and personally, I hate eating chalk.

I also made:

• Frozen Greek yogurt blueberries. Dip the blueberries in Greek yogurt, put them on parchment paper on a pan, stick in the freezer, throw in a giant Ziploc bag and done.  They're so good. 
• Mini turkey meatloaves (in muffin pans), fresh green beans and sweet potatoes....everything baked at the same time.   I put each dinner in a container for the next week for myself.
• I made black bean vegan brownies, which I know sound gross, but they are so delicious!  Totally dairy free (I am lactose intolerant, so this was awesome) AND they have protein in them.  I used dark chocolate cocoa powder and dark chocolate chips.  I will post that recipe later because I had to make adjustments to it. 
• Finally, I made a veggie spaghetti sauce in the crock pot for Lindsey.  She loves pasta but I hate how she completely rejects vegetables, so what I did was finely chop all of the veggies except the zucchini and yellow squash.  I put the squash and zucchini through the Veggetti.  If you don't have one, they are awesome...get one.  You wind the veggie through it and it makes it resemble spaghetti.  So anyway, my idea was that when Lindsey eats the pasta, she will eat the veggies pretty much unknowingly because they are mixed with the pasta.  She likes it and hasn't complained yet. One of my favorite meals is zucchini "pasta" with turkey meatballs and spaghetti sauce.  Of course, the tomatoes make me choke all night because I am probably bleeding from an ulcer but you know, maybe you won't have that issue.

Ta da!  That's it!

Bitches love Pinterest. 

Love, Whatever.

I'm at a point where I don't know what I'm more afraid of....loving madly again with the possibility of getting hurt again or never loving again and staying safe.  When I am alone, I am in control of my feelings for the most part and I'm balanced. When I'm in love I lose a part of myself, the part that loves myself....the smart side. At least that's what it seems like to me. 

Maybe when you're in love you shouldn't feel off balance. Maybe that's always the problem with the way I love. I get lost in a storm and I'm all alone when I land.  I really don't want someone to sweep me away in a whirlwind again if they aren't going to catch me.  But most of all, I don't want to hold an umbrella and fly away on purpose expecting not to fall on my ass. 

That's all. I realized today that I'm very confused. 

Throwback Thursday-Love Gwen

I was obsessed with this CD and what's weird is that it's about 10 years old.  I love Alice-inspired videos.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yWA4uJOXF-g

Creativity Creep

Last night the boys and I were in the driveway getting in the car and we saw an airplane in the sky. They asked me what it was, I told them an airplane, but they wanted it to be a space ship with aliens in it so I said ok.  While we were in the car, they talked about aliens and what they think they're like and asked me if I thought they were nice. I told them I thought they were nice if they exist. Then I asked them if they knew what it was to use their imagination. Dylan said "yes, it means that you pretend." I told them never to stop using their imagination. I told them that people who forget how to play and use their imagination are grouchy and unhappy.  They said they never want to be grouchy.

This article ties in.....

http://www.newyorker.com/books/joshua-rothman/creativity-creep

Labor Day Pics

I finally did something I've been meaning to do for about a year. I went to Sky Gym for an aerial silk class and I loved it. Sure, you feel like you've been assaulted the next day but flying on a ribbon is totally worth it. 

One of my best friends and I took my oldest twins to Six Flags yesterday. I hadn't been to Six Flags since '96 Olympics when I was VISITING Atlanta. I was 15. Sooooo needless to say, it has changed a lot. 

Great weekend!!!!