Flashback Friday-The Water Pitch

People get really mad at me when I say "I don't want to talk right now".  I mean, really mad.  I hear things like "You never want to talk about it" and "You always walk away" and "You always shut me out"  or "Oh, ok, walk away as always, Brittany".  I walk away for a reason....I don't like to fight.  I don't mind talking, but I don't like fighting and every time I have said "Leave me alone, I am done, I don't want to talk", and the person keeps going, I end up saying something mean and having to apologize later.  People say things they don't mean when they're emotional, or even worse, they say things they do.  It's always better to talk later after you've had a chance to analyze and think.   What's so bad about feeling this way?  If I don't want to talk, that means I don't want to talk.  If I am angry or irritated, shut up, please.  Otherwise you're provoking me.  On the flip side of this, when someone is mad at me, I tend to leave them alone. People probably think that I don't care, but it's not that...it's that I know how I am and I don't want to push someone until they're ready.  I guess that's why I write letters.  You can read it when you feel like it.  It's a passive approach, but I feel like it's respecting someone's boundaries.  

There is one girl on the planet who I have stayed in a room to fight with and that's my sister.  I adore my sister, Ashli, and because of this, she has made me absolutely crazy from time to time. I think I stay in the room to fight with her as opposed to others because I am actually willing to hear every word that comes out of her mouth.  Then I always decide it's a mistake because all I want to do is tape her mouth shut.  I actually want to take duct tape and close her mouth while she is talking because she rattles off so quickly in a fight that my brain actually feels like it's going to implode. I love you, Ash! 

So this one afternoon, like 10 years ago or so, we were fighting.  I kept calmly saying "Ash" "But" "that's not-" "I said" "Listen".  She still wouldn't be quiet.  She just kept going.  All of a sudden, I swear to God, my arm moved without my brain.  I had NO idea I was about to do it.  I had a glass of water in my right hand and without thinking, I splashed the entire glass of water in her face.   Both of our jaws dropped.  I was like "I didn't know I was going to do that!"  I waited for her to do something, but she didn't.  She just sat there, quiet, with droplets of water dripping off of her face as she stood in a puddle.  We both started laughing. It was awesome.  We learned something about me that day.....


I seriously don't like to fight. 

The Passive Aggressive LOL

LOL in its truest form means Laugh Out Loud.  It means that you truly find something ridiculously funny and you are in fact, amused.  LOL can mean that you are kidding, being playful, or being a smartass...

And then there is the Passive Aggressive LOL.

The Passive Aggressive LOL means that you're doing anything BUT laughing out loud. The Passive Aggressive LOL can mean many things, but one thing is true as it is true with all acts of passive aggressiveness....the Passive Aggressive LOL serves as a social command, without any actual command having been given.  The Passive Aggressive LOL'er is Lol'ing in hopes that something will stick without having to say what's really up. 


I'll give you some examples:

Sometimes Lol means  Please end this conversation because you are boring me and you have wasted enough of my time already with your parables and such.

Sometimes people mean what they are saying and then slap an LOL on the end to cushion the blow that they might encounter because they are in fact, being a prick.

Sometimes people respond to that with an lol because they aren't sure if the person was kidding or not. 

Sometimes Lol means "This has been a sufficiently awkward conversation and I will now end it with an Lol. 

Sometimes Lol means "I spent all my money stuffing ones down strippers' panties last night.  I didn't really lose my wallet, I am lying because I am bailing on you but I am hoping you'll find the fact that I am irresponsible cute and funny."

Sometimes Lol means that you're an idiot and you laugh at stupid things that no one else finds funny.  Or it means that the definition of or use of words holds no relevance with you.  No one with a brain can understand what the hell you're doing texting words in the first place since you have no clue how to use them.  You should just stick with Emojis. 

Sometimes Lol means "Actually, you aren't funny.  You're an asshole and I don't have the energy to tell you."

Sometimes Lol means that you totally are what you say you aren't....

Sometimes Lol means that you totally do what you say you don't.....

Sometimes Lol means that you are totally creepy.

Sometimes Lol means "I want to mind jack you in any way I can.  I may or may not care, but either way, I am laughing about it, so screw you and your new boyfriend."

Sometimes Lol means "I am an irresponsible idiot, as usual.  And by the way, I am really not on my way, I am just now taking a shower....oh and by the way, you're a nag."

Sometimes Lol means "I didn't study, can I have some answers?" 

Sometimes Lol means "I'm (Insert Verbage: working, sleeping, having sex, hibernating, going to the bathroom, cooking dinner, knitting). Bottom line: Shut up.  Can't you take a hint?" 

Under a Pillow

 

Do you ever wish you could just stuff yourself under a pillow and tell the world to F off? 

 

I took a break from writing because I needed to be quiet with my thoughts for a minute.  This isn't the first time I have done this and said this.  I feel like things get messy when I don't take a second to focus and think and be alone.  Most of the time, writing is the only way I CAN think...but when I get really cloudy and overwhelmed, I can't even write because I don't know what I am thinking or feeling.  When I get to that point, I have to be alone and I don't want to talk to anyone about anything important because I will not have anything to say that makes any sense.  When I say I need to be alone, my friends worry that I am depressed because I am such a talkative and social person, but it's not that I am depressed, it's that things have gotten too loud around me and I feel like I am reacting to things rather than doing things on purpose.  I think everyone needs to take time to get centered....so that's what I was doing.

 

I know that everyone has to feel this way from time to time.  This world is crazy and loud and I can't believe that we are meant to live this way.  Maybe I am more sensitive to everything around me, but I don't think that I am.  We are constantly bombarded with to do's and responsibilities and while trying to accomplish everything under time restrictions, we then throw in a little bit of self-loathing because we don't have time for our relationships or cleaning out that junk drawer.  We beat ourselves up for not being more sensitive to others, for not being perfect ourselves, and for all that we fail to complete in a day.  We are aware that time is whipping by and our children are growing, or that people are settling down and we are not (if that's where you are), and so we are torn between making the best of our time by getting things done, and sitting and just enjoying things.  I have a hard time doing nothing because I have a hard time sitting still, but often, I just feel guilty because I should be doing something productive.  If you only have so many days on earth, shouldn't you be doing as much as you can?  Or since you're going to die one day, should you chill and look around and tell everyone to bite you and that you'll either get to it or you won't? 

 

The picture above is a good illustration of how it feels to be an adult sometimes.  Upside-down, hiding under a pillow from the never-ending list of to-do's, while your childhood escapes you. 

 

Michelle, Kellie, Brea and I had a video call last night for almost 2 hours.  It was so much fun.  I told them some of the things I was planning on doing because I can't just sit here without a long term plan and Brea said "I feel like you already do so much though....".   She thinks I should get certified to be a yoga instructor rather than go back to school, so I said I would do both. 

 

It dawned on me that maybe I have a habit of overextending myself which means that I am actually my own worst enemy.  I have a motor that is making me go a million miles per hour and I don't know how to slow down because if I do, I am unhappy and bored.....but then like anything that becomes overwhelmed, I crash and feel like hiding from everyone and everything.  All I need is like 12 more hours in a day and then I think I could do everything.......

 

Sometimes I wish I could be happy in a recliner watching TV. 

 

 



Somewhere Left of the MIA Douche Bag

I went on a date and suggested that we go to brunch.  Why?  Because in my mind, date rape seems less likely to happen over pancakes and coffee.  Another reason I wanted to meet for brunch is to avoid the uncomfortable “I don’t want to kiss you because as it turns out, I am not attracted to you” moment and no one will fault anyone for not wanting to make out with a stranger after breakfast.   Right?  Maybe I should have felt awkward saying “Thanks for the French toast” and hauling ass to my car with my keys in hand and not giving the guy so much as a handshake, but saying goodbye after a date that will never happen again is awkward no matter how you end it.  Whether you’re eating eggs or cheeseburgers, it’s all the same.   It flat-out sucks. 

He sent me some texts, I responded, but it was pretty clear that I wasn’t interested (or like I was REALLY busy, which just so happens to be true 99% of the time) so I just figured it was one of those things that would work out on its own without me having to say anything, and it was. 

But three weeks later, I got a phone call from him.  He called to tell me that he had met someone and he just wanted to tell me.  

My Brain: Why are you telling me this?  We went to brunch once.  

My Mouth: Well, that’s really nice of you to let me know, but you totally didn’t have to call me to tell me that.  

My Brain: Why are you telling me this?  You could have decided you were gay or joined the circus and I wouldn’t have felt the need to know.  

Apparently, they were making it Facebook Official and he wanted to let me know.  

My Brain: Facebook Official!  Bwhahahaa.  And you met like three days ago?  BRILLIANT!

Crickets. Still awkward for me.  

My Mouth: Ok, well, that’s really polite of you, but you totally didn’t have to tell me that.  Good luck to you!

Then I wrote a blog about how lame going Facebook Official is.  Sometimes when things are happening in my life, my mind is writing a blog, just FYI. 

So here’s the issue: Where is the guy between this and the MIA Douche Bag?

 

I was telling a girlfriend about the brunch date and she was laughing.  I told her that I felt so bad because if I said “This is weird, I don’t care, why are you calling me,” then I would make him feel like a jackass.  And not only that, what if he was the last guy on earth who isn’t an MIA douche bag and I should show some respect to this alien life form?  Then I said “Why is there nothing between the Stage 5 Clingers and the Emotionally Distant?  Why?? WHYYYYY?”  There should be a balance between ridiculous manners like these and stringing a girl along.

And then I realized after I hung up that there is.....

I think I have only experienced perfection when I have been on the same page as them and vice versa.  When it’s right, there aren’t issues like this.  You have to be with the person and they have to be with you, period.  

And this is why dating is stupid....

 

971

This is my 971th post and as I approach my thousandth, oddly enough,  I think I need a break.  The only reason I counted them up is because I was wondering if I could be burning out. I only wrote 12 days in May. The number of posts a month is steadily declining.  I love to write, I love this blog, but lately I really feel like I need a little time to marinate.  I am focusing on so many things right now and although I am happy I created a Daily and not a Weekly, I am just starting to feel like I need to give myself a second to do some other things and I can't with my head in the clouds. If you've read long enough, you probably know that balancing my creative whims and the drag of reality (every day) is a constant battle for me. It is for everyone, but I'm probably pretty vocal about it. Lol. Right now reality is winning. I haven't written but once in the last two weeks and that's very unusual for me. I have a few things I'm working on, I have a lot of drafts.....I'll be back. 

Please check back in a couple of weeks. I think that will be sufficient time for me to get my head on straight. :) Thank you for reading!! 

-Britt 

Where Have I Been, Where Am I Going?

I need a tree and some shrubbery, ASAP.

I have had a really rough week.  My baby boys have been sick since Sunday with a terrible stomach virus and I haven't been able to work, BUT I have to say that I am very blessed with a boss who wants me to be with my children when they need me.  I have so much to be thankful for and my job is one of those things.  The virus hit Carson the worst and there were moments when I thought I would wind up in the ER with him.  I was up at 3 am forcing him to drink and I pretty much stayed up while he slept.  He is 32 pounds, which for 5 years old, is very tiny.  He doesn't have the reserves that his brother has.  Dylan recovered quickly in comparison, but he weighs 11 pounds more than Carson.  There is nothing worse than watching your kids throw up over and over and beg you to make it better.  I couldn't do anything but hold them and attempt to hydrate them.


Anyway, I haven't written much for that reason.  Also, I am working on a few slightly larger projects. 

On the horizon:

• How To Become More Childlike in 14 Days-I am climbing trees and crimping my hair....doing all of those things I used to do as a little girl.  Being an adult sucks most of the time, so what will happen if I am intentionally childish?  (As opposed to accidentally, lol.)
• I am doing a study of some sort....how do men treat you when you do this versus this.  This will be my own little field experiment. (Muahahahahaha.)
• The Three Year Rule....One of my guy friends has a theory about relationships around the 3 year mark-I am looking closer into its validity. 
• Are You the Rebound?  This is by request.
• The Cruelest Cut-off....by this I mean sex. (Also by request)
• What I Learned in My Plaid Skirt. What did I learn in my plaid skirt, other than how to bang chalky erasers? 

Moving Thoughts

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.”-Friedrich Nietzsche

I love this quote because it has a couple of different meanings.  It can be taken literally.....Any time I go for a walk or a run (I hate running, by the way), I tend to have the clearest thoughts about my life and come up with the best writing ideas.  With every step, my thoughts are clear and I become more curious.  It can also be taken figuratively......If you are standing in the same place and not moving forward, you are staying the same person with the same routine; you are not exploring your future and your world.  If you don't constantly explore, what great thoughts are you going to have about anything? You have the same thoughts over and over and if you aren't careful, you will become stale, comfortable, and never change.  This isn't how human beings are supposed to be. 

 

I once heard a preacher say that we are finicky because we hate boredom and don't like something to be too easy but then we also tend to complain when something is complicated or difficult. The latter is the better way to be.  By nature, we are supposed to change and push ourselves.  Most of  the time, the most important things are the hardest, the most rewarding are the most challenging and doing exactly what you don't want to do is necessary.  It's true in the gym and throughout your life....no pain no gain. 

 

Just as soon as I master something, I am onto something more challenging.  I feel like it would be less exhausting not to have this appetite to conquer because there is a part of you that wonders as you're doing it if you will ever be happy or feel "settled".  For me, the answer is no.  The only way "feeling settled" is in the cards is just to accept this about myself.  I am always moving.  I am being the way God made me and I will probably change many many times before I die.  The day I die, I will be done growing.  I will be disappointed many more times, I will love many more, I will feel on top of the world, and low as scum. And this is fine with me. I am perfecting myself while fumbling, and it will never stop.