The Click

There is a phenomenon I experience that I like to call "The Click."  It's basically occurs when all analyzing, emotions, events, and current circumstances have come together like a puzzle and feels like a lightening bolt when the last piece of the puzzle is finally connected to the rest in place. You wake up.  Something resonates.  You are done.  The Click feels sudden, heartless, and cold, but in reality, it isn't.  The Click is the exit strategy and result of someone who is entirely too patient in relationships or too stubborn to see what they should.  I am both patient and stubborn.  Bad mix.  

I have a love/hate relationship with The Click.  

I first experienced The Click in high school.  I put up with a bunch of crap from a boyfriend and then one day on the phone I said "No, I'm done."  Whatever he had done hadn't been different than anything prior, but for some reason, that one thing was enough for me to never feel an emotion again.  He cried on the phone and I hung up because I didn't care.  I never talked to him again.  My second boyfriend lost me at a train station.  He drove me to the station, cussing at me the entire time, and I sat there being quiet.  He had cussed many times before, but that was the last time I listened to it and I can't tell anyone what it was about that moment that was any different, except CLICK.  As soon as the car stopped, I unclicked my seatbelt as quickly as I unclicked my heart.  I walked over to the pay phone, calmly told my mom I was coming home to her after school, and I never came back to see him.  I went to school that day, I didn't cry, I felt absolutely nothing at all.  I went about my business, and that was that.  When I did go back for my stuff, he was on his knees crying, and I couldn't muster anything.  I looked cold, vacant, and I couldn't have cared about him if I had wanted to.  The pattern has continued....

The most frustrating thing about The Click is that I have experienced it enough to warn the people I love  that I am like this, and still no one has taken it seriously.  When you are a person who is just "done one day," it is very frustrating to see someone beg you once you're done and gone because then it's too late.  Nothing is worse than indifference because that means the love is dead.  Anais Nin says "Love never dies a natural death.  It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source."  And when my hope in someone is gone, I move on. 

The Click has become such a pattern for me that it has served as both a peaceful reminder when I am in tears and in love and miserable because I know one day it will save me, but it has also scared me because it seems to me to be inevitable and always feels so sudden.  It serves as peace for my family and friends  who are begging me to fall out of love because anyone who knows me knows that I seem to have to overplay something like a song that just has to become old and boring for me to finally turn it off. 

Why must I be like Scarlett O'Hara who finally gets it at the end?  I don't want to be someone who gets it too late, when I have given too much, lost too much, wasted too much time, shed too many tears, gambled too high and risked too much....

Am I a slow learner emotionally?  Unbelievably stubborn?  Too true to my heart and emotions?  Am I overly patient?  Do I actually think I can fix people?  Why does my puzzle have to have so many pieces?  And why can't I leave a puzzle until it's completed? 

I don't want to be always waiting for that last puzzle piece before I start seeing the big picture.  

CLICK.