35

I turned 35 on the 5th and I was going to write about it, but I honestly didn't want it to be a thing. But it's a thing. I don't want it to be a thing, but waking up in the middle of the night thinking about your life and what you're doing and where you're going simply because you're a certain number, that's what I call a thing.

In some ways I would say I'm more childish now that I don't have to constantly pretend to be an adult like when I was younger. But then again, I'm so much wiser now than I ever was and that part really can't be faked because I had to live through a lot to get here.  That part makes me feel 35. 

I look at my kids, the ones in high school, the ones who are causing me all of these issues in the middle of the night, and I just don't understand how I'm here with them. I feel like I was such a child when I had them but at some point while I was pretending to be an adult, I actually became one. Now all of a sudden, I do know better than they know and they roll their eyes at me and curse my existence as an "old person." And my babies, Carson and Dylan, how can they be old enough that I can say "I don't have babies anymore?" How can that part of my life be over? And how can I be old enough to not be able to donate my eggs to someone else in need? That's f***ed up. 

I'm fine alone. I like being alone. Maybe it's because I have so many kids. But how could I have experienced so much chaos in my life already that I'm rejecting the idea of a man coming into it? How can I be old enough to be scarred in so many ways romantically, to the point that I know I'm better off by myself? And then know that the statement I just made is BS but kind of not? How can I be old enough to be that cynical and so stingy with my time? Did I really experience enough heartbreak and become annoyed enough over the years that I can never experience loneliness because being alone is the better option of the two? Apparently, because I don't. How can I be old enough to sit in a quiet space, alone, and not feel alone? I must have traveled quite a road....and I am old enough to have done it now. That's f***ed up. 

I was telling my younger cousin a couple of weeks ago that I feel like this is the first time in my life where I'm just maintaining and improving where I am and it's weird. I told her I was kind of feeling weird about turning 35 and how I knew at 45, I would say "why was I upset about being 35?" But that it doesn't matter because I am 35....she asked me why I would be upset about it since I have accomplished so much.  Well, I did ask myself that question. Do you always think about all of the other things you were going to do and didn't, regardless of what you've accomplished? I can say, I've never been at a place in my life where I feel like my milestones no longer have to do with me, but they're about my kids because I've never been this age and had children so old, which sounds so simplistic but doesn't feel it. And that's great. I will enjoy watching my kids experience life, but how am I not working toward those things myself now? How did this happen? You know, like I'm not earning a degree because I got mine. Or having babies, because I had 4. Or getting married, because that's another story. It's just an odd feeling knowing that the next time I visit a college campus, it'll be for my kids.....in 4 years. That's f***ed up. 

I still have a lot of child in me. The silly spirit that I'm not trying to hide by parading around as an adult is even more apparent to me now....so again, why am I waking up thinking about this number? That's f***ed up.