Do You Believe in Butterflies?

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom-Anais Nin

This past Saturday I was drinking coffee with my girlfriends and somehow the conversation led me to point out that I hadn’t seen a butterfly in ages and how sad that is to me. Butterflies are a metaphor for change and since I tend to think, learn, love and live through metaphors, the inevitable thought followed….what does that say about our society when butterflies are scarce? 

I am so sad when I lose hope in people and the things around me.  I am forced to concede and I really hate that. 

I have always truly believed that people and society can and will change or I wouldn’t have made a lot of the decisions I have made in my life and loved relentlessly the people I have loved and been passionate about things I have been passionate about.  What would be the point of trying so hard if I didn’t believe that change was possible?  And I also still believe that people are capable of change…the problem is that it’s usually when it’s too late.  I have been repeatedly brokenhearted because I have had no choice but to walk away, fall out of love, throw my hands up and shut up.  Then what seems to happen?  People change and care when I don’t anymore.  There is nothing sadder than seeing someone care when it's too late, love too late, change when you’re gone….and on the flipside, looking in someone else’s eyes and seeing that they have given up on you is gut-wrenching too.  Seeing someone who once believed in you become despairing...that’s what provokes the too-late change. 

Why so often do people have to lose someone to realize how much they loved them?  Why do we have to hit rock bottom to realize who would have caught us? Why do we gamble things instead of sacrificing our own fears, selfishness, and stubbornness?  Why in a society that is supposedly so connected does everyone feel so disconnected?  What I have realized about changing is that in order to be connected to your own soul, you have to be connected to others and your surroundings and respect it.  As long as someone is disconnected from others and themselves, they can’t and won’t change.  People are disconnected for different reasons, whether it’s because of selfishness, hopelessness, lack of direction, or simply being afraid of where it will lead them.  And no matter how much you try to connect with someone who is disconnected, you will always be disappointed. 

Any time I have greatly needed to change something about myself and resisted it, I know that the main reason has always been fear.  I am like anyone else who is afraid…I have slowly built walls, written lists, designed coping mechanisms, run from things that make me squirm, run toward the familiar and wrong, and denied denied denied and the only way I have challenged anything scary head on is when I have recognized where I am sensitive and sat with the uncomfortable.

People have to want to change and they usually only do it when the risk to NOT change is scarier than the change.  The cocoon becomes smothering, oppressive, and poisonous rather than safe, comforting, and nurturing.  

As for me, I think the universe wants me to stay a hopeful believer.   Saturday afternoon, the same day as the comment about not seeing butterflies anymore, my friends and I were leaving a movie and a butterfly flew right over my head, flapped its little wings and flew off right in front of me.  My face immediately lit up like a little girl and smiled when I pointed. 

Butterflies are still there.  You just have to believe in the ones who are brave enough to emerge from their cocoons.